Childminder wanting to put baby DD down for naps and let her cry if need be - not happy

I was thinking about this post last night and actually I really think it will be hard for LO to bond with C.minder while you are there so much of the time..

My mindee's behaviour always changes when parents come in...frequently behaviour goes down hill..For this reason alone I try and make handover as quick as possible.

I have 3 under 3's most days and the youngest who started 6 months ago age 16 mths didn't sleep at home without boob & then only short naps on mum.
She realised this wouldn't work and agreed I could try & get him sleeping in a cot as long as he wasn't left to cry for more than a minute or 2.

First week, I put the other 2 down to sleep in another room then quiet cuddles, lay him down in the cot when he would cry so if sit with him doing shush/pat until he nodded off exhausted. He'd wake after 20/30 mins and we'd repeat until he went off again. After a couple of weeks of this I stopped the patting and just laid my hand on his back shushing, next week no shushing, next just sat in sight of him (by this stage he'd nod off in 5/10 mins of just low level moaning) and finally started popping out saying I was just going to the loo/to check on others. I think it took about 5 weeks of gradual withdrawal but I can now lay him down in the cot, say goodnight & won't hear a peep until I wake him 1.5hrs later.

So perfectly possible if cm has only one other lo who self-settles. I do think your settling-in period is crackers and will actually make it harder not easier to get into CM's routine.

Im a CM. Im settling in a new mindee this week. Mum stayed for coffee day one and then left. Were on day 3 today and baby has been great. 10 m old attatchment bf baby. Baby fell asleep in my arms day one, day two we did one nap in pram, today morning nap in my arms afternoon nap self settled in pram. Its not easy but baby is bonding with me and now is content and settled when being held, crawls off and explores, comes back for cuddles. If mum was here all the time it would not have worked.
Trust your CM we do know what we are doing, and as long as we are given a chance to bond with the baby all will be well.

I'm a cm. I work really hard when a new child starts to get them to be able to fall asleep on their own. When a new parent informs me that a child has always been breastfed to sleep or cuddled to sleep and then refuses to be put down, my heart sinks a little bit as I know it's going to be hard work to get them to nap (this is the majority of families who I seem to have had recently, so you aren't alone). There would be no way I can rock, back rub, hold/cuddle three children to sleep all at the same time (and I aim for all naps to be at the same time if possible, parents know this) and if I have an older one who doesn't nap, what would I do with them? I'm not paid to put children in front of cbeebies for two hours while the babies sleep in my arms.
Op, you have to decide if this is a deal breaker for you. If you can't have your child fussing for a short time while they learn to go to sleep by themselves you need to rethink your options, I suggest a nanny. If you genuinely like the cm, give it a go. I've had a few babies, who once they mastered going to sleep on their own in the day, slept much better in the night and started napping much better at home too. if I were you, I would work on getting baby to sleep with out bf in the day. It will make your baby's life. Much easier in a couple of months.

And the settling in sessions, a couple of hours two or three times is normally enough in the week or two leading up to the start date. Try not to make it too complicated or over think it. Babies usually adapt to different situations quite quickly.

Cut the settling in time down to one week maximum, a child,under who would agree to a month of settling in is most likely worth her weight in gold so I'd stick with her but you need to trust her which it sounds like you're not doing. Chances are, a couple of weeks in and your child will settle for naps beautifully- she is a professional who has no doubt cared for more children than you've had hot dinners.

You either trust her or you don't, there is no way you will agree 100% with her, there are lots of things you'll need to compromise on.

YABnuts.
You have to unlink boob and snooze in fairness to your child.
Your CM sounds lovely.
I can't believe you are planning to haunt her for so long.

My daughter didn't need to nap at CM but she had lots of other kids that did need to (was a team of 2 cm so lots of kids). She was very no nonsense about all other stuff but would do naps as close to the parents routine as possible- eg one in a pram, one in a pile of cushions in the main room, she was amazed and delighted when a new mindee just went to sleep in the cot! It doesn't sound like that's the norm from this thread but I'd feel the same as you. When I had a toddler and a baby I didn't leave the baby to cry for naps even though she's never self settled so I don't see why anyone else would have to.

Ok, the settling in plan sounds nuts. I'd cut it down to a week, maybe two, with DD going for longer and longer periods - but you have to leave DD alone there not stick around. If you are there then DD will not form a bond with the CM she will just come to you.

As regards naps: There is a large spectrum of "helping to sleep" from BF to sleep at one end to CIO at the other. It's not clear exactly how much help you are expecting CM to give. Somewhere in the middle is reasonable - perhaps 5 min of back rubbing and then left with a familiar song playing? And then CM goes back in if DD is really crying? You can't expect her to stay and rub back until DD is asleep, every naptime, no matter how long that takes. If that's what you want, you need a sole charge nanny.

No one I know ever did more than 2-3 short settles with CM or nursery before leaving them to it. They are professionals and the children adapt. All the professionals say find some one you trust and them trust them to do a great job.

I hope you are paying her for the settling in period.

The toddler she looks after might not sleep at the same time as your dd. So let's say your dad takes 15 minutes to settle, what will the toddler do in that time? Will your dd be in a seperate room and you expect the cm to leave a toddler on his own for that time?

As others have said children adapt quickly to how a childminder or nursery settles them to sleep. If you had a nanny, which costs. Lot more than a childminder, you would be right to expect that. But not a childminder sorry they have responsibility for more than one child and have to keep all of them safe.

And enjoy the last 3 months of your maternity leave! Do something more fun than going to a childminder.

My 16 month old has been at nursery for about 4 months. She is a pain in the bum for me to get her to sleep but goes down with no bother there. I think 3 months is too long settling her, she will end up getting too use to you being there and it will be a nightmare when you go back to work.

I always say to parents that their child will not settle until the parent has gone. The time you spend there is for you not for your child. I start with parent and child coming for a short visit (maybe an hour) and then the child comes alone for a couple of hours and gradually extends their time as they are ready. Generally 4 sessions. 1 with parent, 1 for quick visit, 1 morning, one lunch and afternoon and then we're good to go. This is flexible as it suits the parents and children, but the other children would be really unsettled by an extra adult in the house.

I have children who will self settle with me (no screaming, regular returns for pats, or music if needed) and are still fed and cuddled to sleep at home.

Just talk to your cm and remember she has other children to care for and might appreciate a cup of tea at some point during the day.

DS went to a childminding team so when he started they did rock/cuddle him to sleep but slowly they managed to get him to put himself to sleep. He doesn't do this at home for nap times but he will at CM. I would have a bit more faith in your CM personally - they have seen it all before, she'll be settling in no time.

I agree with PP about settling in period - 3 month is too long and a major faff.

Your childminder sounds lovely, however I cannot believe she is going to put up with you being there for extended periods and then popping out for 20, 30 mins. That will totally disrupt her day and be very confusing for your baby and the other toddler. How can she get on and look after her mindless if you are there hovering in the background.

I think it you are basically happy with the childminder you need to spend the next few months helping your baby to settle for a nap without being fed so that when you do leave her, you can be confident that she will settle and you won't spend your time at work worrying about her.

My child still can't put themselves to sleep bar at nursery where they worked with him which I presume your cm will do it took them a while but now he takes himself off lol

(She's 3 btw!)

As others have said 3mths is far too long To settle in esp with the time Intervals you said

A cm isn't going to leave your child to scream self to sleep but neither will she do what you do and BF her to sleep

You need to work on how to get your dd asleep at home without the boob as if you can't do that - how on earth do you expect a cm to get them to sleep without crying hysterically

Yes all children seem to do things for cm and nannies that they don't for parents - but if you dd relies on you to BF to settle then that's not fair

You could try arranging time at cm to concur with dd sleep and see if you can settle dd there with pats

Yes cm has one child now but can have another under 5 so she can't not be expected to spend 100% getting your dd to sleep upstairs - while leave other minded alone for maybe 15 mins

When I started looking for DS's nursery, he needed rocking to sleep in the pram. I had two months between finding it and him starting. They told me that they would not leave him to cry but would pay his back etc to settle him... Whilst I think that is a reasonable expectation I spent the next two months working really hard to get him to settle to sleep in his cot.

It worked, and by the time he went to nursery, he was fine.

I think expecting the childminder to pat or rub her back or whatever is not unreasonable, and I'm sure the CM isn't suggesting just leaving her to CIO. I think that is unusual for a childcare provider and wonder if there is some simple miscommunication here.

Equally I think you need to understand that leaving a child to grumble for a few minutes to get to sleep is not unreasonable and very different to leaving her screaming histerical.

I agree that your settling in period sounds totally excessive and I think you should reconsider.

Pid

Why is it sad that others don't share your view? Yours isn't the only right way.

Oh yeah - and my son doesn't fall asleep on me on the sofa...only on the CM! They go to sleep different ways with different people :) So you might be surprised and she just goes easily to sleep for someone else. My OH can put our son down to go to sleep by himself, but when I do it he won't have any of it!

Yanbu. I think it's dreadful that a CM would leave a child to cry themselves to sleep. My CM lets my 22month old either sleep in the car on the way back from trips out, or fall asleep on her on the sofa, or in the pushchair. It's perfectly possible, even whilst looking after other children. It is their job afterall. However - I'm not sure it is possible to tell a CM how to do their job, and you might be better off finding a different CM. I would also get your little one used to falling asleep through other ways, like sling or in a pushchair, so that she doesn't miss boob to go to sleep. My little one only boobs to sleep in the evening, so daytime naps are not so different at CM to when at home (sleeps in pram at home). I know I'm seeing it differently to the others here, which I find a bit sad. But I don't think I would trust a CM with such different views to myself, to not do what she wants. I would find someone else.

The other mindee is a toddler who falls asleep on his own ! Now how did that come about, I wonder ? Stick with this CM, she sounds lovely, and knows her job.

Fwiw, my two never self settled for naps at home but always did it fine at nursery. Nursery is a bit different as there are lots of toddlers all going off to sleep, but you will probably find with kids that they behave differently in a different setting.

Like others I would reduce your settling in period dramatically.

Get out now!!

Are you always so over dramatic

Hi
I'm in a similar situation op as my ds is 7m and I return to work in May. My ds too is awkward to settle but I'm just using this time now to try and gently "train" him- i'm mostly doing the pick up put down method which is improving things slowly and although there has been a bit of grumpiness, he's never been that upset. He will be going to nursery in april and I don't expect staff there to much more than put him in a cot, rub his back and leave him to it.
I think you should use the next few weeks to gently train your dd to fall asleep by herself with yourself in control of how she does it.
Things will then become much easier for you, your dd and your cm.