Sour times with childminder

By the way, I've had complete strangers in a restaurant telling me that my DS was autistic. I've had an Audiologist telling me DS could be autistic, as well as a nursery manager. It was upsetting, to the point of crying, but it meant that I had him checked early and he doesn't have autism, he has developmental Dyspraxia. You are not in a unique situation.

Can I just ask the op a question? Have you been talking about the child-minder to other people, ie friends, people that you both may know?

I am asking this because I am a child-minder, and once had to discuss something specific about a child to the parents, a not too serious developmental issue. I though and thought and thought about how I was going to approach the subject, discuss it with them, offer support. THIS is part of my job, of what I have to do and I don't like it. The parents are nice and intelligent people but took it badly and started spreading rumours about me, and common friends told me about it.

If you have been spreading rumours about your CM, maybe she heard about it.

I suspect in this case that the OP is not telling the whole story, that the child-minder might have been tactful about it, but the OP interpreted it in a different way. It is sometimes hurtful to hear but it's part of our job. And yes, psychologists get it wrong sometimes, teachers get it wrong, child-minder and HVs get it wrong. Some children are diagnosed with autism in their teens!

She didn't say she didn't like him, just that she had noticed he wasn't looking at her in the eye. It could be she noticed other things too. Maybe once it's sunk in you could give it some more thought and consider what she said. Don't be worried/offended by it - she didn't tell you to worry or offend you. It's just that if a child is autisitic, the earlier it is caught the more strategies you can teach them to cope with aspects of life they might find tricky. Why do you think your son didn't like her?

I completely agree with HSMM - if you suspect a child has some kind of SEN then it should be raised. This should be done professionally however.

Your cm did the right thing by bringing it up but maybe could have been more tackful

Seems wrong that you've used her for several years but your son didn't like her. Why stay with the cm?

And yes if what she is saying is true then it's the truth going on to what you said in op

She told you something. You didn't like it. You gave her notice

If your son didn't like her to the point where he would not look at her, why did you place him with her for "a few years"?

I think it depends on how she said it. It's not just miscommunication - the way someone raises this tells you a lot about them and their attitude.

As a parent, what I would expect is:

• a serious discussion (ie plan for it and allow enough time)
• explain concerns in detail, with examples, and also what strategies you've tried already
• if the parents aren't too bowled over by it all, a 2-way discussion about whether the parents have also seen these behaviours, and how they deal with them
• VERY cautious wording around diagnosis, eg that certain behaviours are a red flag for xyz, and that it would be worth getting a professional opinion
• compassion and obvious care about the child

If my child's carer spoke about it in a dismissive, 'there's something wrong with your child' way, then I'd change childcare immediately too. Not because raising the possibility of SN is an insult, but because I wouldn't want my child being cared for by someone who didn't seem to like him, and didn't try to adjust things to find a positive way to work with him.

BUT, I also wouldn't leave my child with a carer he disliked so much he avoided eye contact with her.

Avoiding eye contact with her for a prolonged period of time sounds very, very unusual. I wouldn't know what was a marker of what medically, but it does sound like something that a medical professional should look into. It definitely doesn't sound like typical childhood behaviour.

Even if it's fine medically, she was right to raise it with you, as it is a sign something is wrong - and it's her job to bring issues like this (that she sees while he's in her care) to your attention. It might be, as you say, he just hates her (but that's some bloody strong will and good concentration he's got, expressing it in that particular way over multiple childminding sessions, if that's all it is). But in any case, that is a problem, and she was right to raise that as an issue, wasn't she?!

Anyway, she told the truth, and you fired her for it. Now she has not much choice but to tell people what happened. Parents of prospective mindees will want to know why her last childminding job ended, and she'd be putting her job at risk if she lied and got found out later - she has to tell the truth. It's not rumours, it's facts. If you don't like people knowing that's what happened, you shouldn't have done it, but it's too late now. You've got a cheek being pissed off with her about it though imo, based on what you've written here.

I have heard of parents do this before moving child in some cases repeatedly because it was suggested that child was referred and they just didn't want to hear it. Very sad for the child as the earlier a problem is diagnosed the better the outcome especially as it can take years. I had suspicions that there were issues with one child who then went to a nursery and was asked to leave then 2 school nurseries and is now in a special school unit, I really wished I had brought it up at the time. Since then I have done additional training and learned a lot more and actively get involved with children thought to be on the spectrum and have prepared reports and gone to meetings to support the child in diagnosis. Unfortunately many parents feel we are only mums at home with no qualifications but prefer to go by a HV appointment that lasts a few minutes.
I think its doubtful that the child hates a cm so much after a few years they wont look at her yet mum was happy even after using temporary care to return. Especially when you consider these issues often get more pronounced as a child fails to develop socially in the normal pattern. Im guessing the Lo is around 2 or 3 which would not be an unusual time to raise concerns as earlier especially with a break can appear to be normal development. I would also expect that other issues were discussed but this is the one that has hit a nerve as more visible and an explanation is possible.
Should she discuss it no, but is it possible more is being attributed by others who have observed behaviour and made assumptions?

That must have been a shock to hear and it may have been clumsily delivered -if the current rate of ASD diagnosis is 1%, then a typical childminder may only come across 1 or two children with ASD in their whole career. Added to this, that the diagnosis of ASD is considered so complex that 3 professionals are often involved.

However, she did the right thing to raise it. My DD1 now attends special school. I had concerns about her from an early age but not one professional could see it. Then, she started attending preschool and two workers took the courageous decision to approach me with their concerns. Thanks to their observations, people started listening and she was finally given an appointment with the Paediatrician who diagnosed her condition.

With regard to the rumours bit....I'm not sure that telling people factually what happened actually counts as 'rumours'. You say she's telling people 'that I sacked her, that she lost her job for being honest'. Maybe read your OP back because based on what you've said...'She recently chose to tell me she thinks one of them is autistic and that I should "get him checked" 'we were so upset that we terminated her contract' that seems to be exactly what happened?!

I agree with this!

I feel very sorry for your DS - to be i the care of someone for over a year that he disliked so much he couldn't look at her must have made him just miserable. It is good that the situation transpired this way and that he has another carer. Is he happy now?

She should not be discussing you with others.
However, if she has concerns about your childs behaviour then it is her duty to raise it with you. She may be wrong but she would be failing your son if she said nothing.
Your reaction seems rather extreme and defensive.

Sorry op by yabvvvu. If your childminder was concerned about your child she was 100% right to say something to you. You have been very unfair.

She gave an honest opinion & you sacked her. How is her saying that false rumour?

Your son didn't like his childminder to the point he wouldn't make eye contact with her and you left her to care for him for 'years'. Poor child!
But if she told you to 'get him checked' - in those words, then I would have fired her too. Sounds like he's lucky she finally crossed you. Now he can perhaps be cared for by someone he has better rapport with.

If my childminder thought my child had autism and didn't tell me I would be very angry. It's her job. She raised concerns.

It is (or was) her job to raise concerns.

Well... She was sacked for being honest, wasn't she?
No rumour there.

What Nuffsaidsam said. OP what the devil were you playing at sacking your childminder of several years because she hit a raw nerve - and may possibly have been correct?

You sound like a horrid person!!!! She didn't do anything bad. I think she had a lucky escape.

You have been very unreasonable. Yes, a childminder can say things like that. Actually it's her duty to tell you if she has concerns. And actually I can tell you from my own experience that starting a conversation like that is not easy...it's easier not to say anything.
What she is telling her/your friends is not a rumor ... she's telling the truth. It's ok and vague enough as long as she doesn't go into details.

Surely you did sack her for being honest though? Rightly or wrongly she suspected ASD, she told you that and you sacked her. How is that not being sacked for being honest?

And yes, children only ever get ASD diagnoses because unqualified people with a bit of knowledge say "I think something's a bit unusual, maybe ASD? You should maybe talk to a professional." That's exactly how the system works.

If she said, "I have some concerns about your son" and then discussed them and said that they could be an indicator of something like autism, then that would be professional.

If she said, "I think you son has autism", then (unless she's a qualified person), this is pure speculation and unprofessional.

Either way, hopefully she was trying to help your family.

If she has told people when out and about that she has lost some income, due to a family giving notice, then this is simply the truth. If she has told people that she told you your son has autism and you refused to believe her and walked out, then she should not have done that.

Your son wouldn't make eye contact with her and it got worse over the year?
That is unusual you know and its certainly a situation that warrants some attention, were you not concerned ?
Even if it wasn't a marker for SN , which as others have pointed out is not an insult , it is likely to indicate that he was unhappy.
So she should have said nothing then. A more unprofessional CM would have said nothing and just took your money.
You have treated her badly OP but she is better off without you, so I guess its all for the best.