Family time with au-pair

MrsFogi, I agree about finding the right fit and being upfront with the aupair about how it is likely to work. Not every aupair wants a full on family experience.

I consider it somewhat of a failure if the aupair does not end finding her own social network and hobbies during her time with us. I actually question an aupair who wants to spend time with two middle aged people on the sofa in the evening. What sort of young person is that?

I say it up front in the job spec - that DH and I work full time and want to have time with each other in the evening. APs may be part of the family but just as with any other adults or dcs there need to be boundaries - the dcs are allowed to get into our bed on occasions but I wouldn't expect the ap to do so. And it can't be a one way street just as she as a young adult will expect to be able to go out with her friends without you you need to be able to decide to do things as a couple without her joining in and in the case of parents a lot of that "as a couple" time will be at home. This time you'll have to have a gentle chat, next time you'll need to be very up front about it so you get an au pair that isn't of the "sitting between you on the sofa" variety.

I lost a very long post.

In any case, OP, is she your first au pair? They do need time to settle in but they are not permanent house guests whose needs always come first, no matter what. Part of the trick is in the vetting process - being open about what works for you and finding out what the AP needs to be happy. Some want to settle right in to a family situation like they have at home, if they are coming right from their parents' house, with dinner around the table every night. Others are looking for their first taste of independence, but in a safe environment (i.e. want to party...at least a bit!) It's really, really important to try to find out which one you have before you offer the role to someone.

We had an AP that nearly broke us a few years back; up with us until midnight for half the year (my mother even resorted to trying to give her the hint we needed some alone time) but then by the end of the year seemed to have forgotten we existed. Our DCs said goodbye to her at our front door (we normally go to the airport with them, have a big goodbye dinner etc) cause she was too busy with her boyfriend and her mates to say goodbye properly. Both situations were very far from ideal.

I think you need to give it a few more weeks and also make sure she is making the effort to do language classes and find some other hobbies, friends. At the end of the day, this is key to getting something out of the year that is worthwhile. You can approach it from this angle; it's not all about you carving out your own free time.

Is she very young?

I wouldn't hesitate to tell my own teenager to bugger off because her Dad and I want some time together! So same should apply for an au pair, though I would try to phrase it nicely

I don't have an issue with people disagreeing with me, it's just posters who haven't a clue about au pairs posting on au pair threads that riles me as they generally are talking utter rubbish. Again as I've said before it's like me posting on the chicken keepers thread, just because I eat chicken!

Even au pair agencies make it clear to their placings that it's very important to allow the parents to have their own space. Family units work best on compromise. The host parents shouldn't have to completely give up their own space just to keep one family member happy.

If your DS is working in the kitchen, you're not spending time alone with him are you?

I think you need to give her a tv in her room and tell her to invite friends over.

Pico - Karoleann thinks people have had no experience of APs if they disagree with her from what I can tell

If you want time alone with your hubby, why don't you just go in your own bedroom to watch tv and slob there?

I completely understand you need your own time, but I can't see how you can tell the poor au-pair to go away! Studying, babysitting, meeting friends are good options. Are you happy to have her friends around so they all hang around in the playroom?

It's so hard to be an au-pair. If you go out every night, parents resent you. If you are happy at home, some parents are not happy either. It's not a nice family relationship if you are expected to disappear in your room as soon as you have done your hours.

" on't know how to say when she finishes work she goes to her room or the second sitting room."

'Au pair' means she is treated like one of you. 'On a par'?
Otherwise, ,pay for a nanny.

How would you know whether those posters have had au pairs or not Karoleann?

The comments from lots of posters who have never had au pairs befoe are ridiculous as usual - of course you need time alone with your husband in the evenings.
If you had an adult DC you wouldn't be spending all evening, every evening with them either, especially when your husband is trying to work.

We do have a room that's just for me and DH in the evening and we make it clear when we recruit that we want someone independent.

I would second the little chat idea, explain that you and your DH need a bit of time together in the evening, but empathise that you really value her etc.

Could you get her a gym pass/swimming pass to the local council gym or an evening exercise class, which may get her out more in the evening?

I can see how you feel but agree with those who have said au pairs need to be part of the family.

We have au pairs, but we tend to eat together and then go our separate ways after dinner - me putting kids to bed and au pairs tend to want to go to their room. The room is on a separate floor with it's own telly and wifi - if you haven't got a telly in the au pair's room you might want to get one to make it a more attractive option.

On the other hand, I wouldn't want to tell my au pairs to keep out of any part of their house because they are at home and they are part of the family.

I would go to my room if I wanted privacy, or sit and talk in the bedroom with dh if you want to guarantee alone time.

Blueshoes' advice is good!

OP I thi k you probably need to have a chat... All very positive, and say its nice that you like spending time with us... But not every night. Why not say that on eg 2 nights a week you and DH need to talk through stuff / watch dull BBC4 drama. Hopefully she'll get the hint without hurting her feelings.

I feel your pain...we had one lovely girl who used to sit in the middle of the sofa when we wanted to watch TV. Was a tad awkward.

Most of my aupairs don't want to hang out with the family. How very dull for them. It is in my house rules that my dh and I want quiet time together after 9pm when the children have gone to bed. Our aupairs are in their room well before this time, on their phones, computers, studying, happy as clams. We make sure they have wifi in their rooms.

OP, just write it into your house rules for your next aupair. For this one, just tell her kindly. I am sure she can understand your need for down time with your dh. She might in fact be relieved. Some aupairs feel they should hang out with the family out of politeness.

Encourage her to make friends. That way, she will be on her phone 24/7 or out socialising.

I think people are being a bit mean OP; there's a bit of an anti-aupair-employer brigade here sometimes. I was an au pair like you when I was young and I would never have wanted to hang out with the DEAD OLD 40something bosses of an evening . I think it is hard, as after work and the kids have gone to bed, I just want to splodge around in my pyjamas eating cheese on toast and watching random stuff on BBC4...and I therefore resisted getting someone to 'houseshare' with until I absolutely had to.

We're muddling through, but with a bit of balance and compromise. Basically, when I'm with her, I'm really with her, if that makes sense. But try to have healthy separation too. Like any relationship! We go through the weekly planner each Sunday and I say when I'm cooking for both of us (DP is away during the week), when she could cook for both of us, and when we'll just do our own thing. On the evenings we are together I'll make an effort and try to treat her like my own eldest DD (21) who's off at uni. Same at the weekends when we all go out together with the DC on outings, showing her the area. I'm facilitating her making friends and getting a social life. I asked her if she wanted to earn some extra cash, which she does, so she babysits/does language lessons some evenings, which she's very happy about. And then I make sure DP and I go out. In fact much more frequently than we used to, and have much better, deeper chats than the snatched kitchen conversations that we're missing, IYKWIM.

In terms of working, is there somewhere else DH could do that than in the kitchen? Most people would gravitate there as the social heart of the house; can he use somewhere else as a study? I'm lucky in that I have a separate one so can just retreat there.

We hang out with our APs in the evenings if they are at home. I have found its the best way to work the relationship and build mutual trust. However I deliberately recruit very social, almost "party", girls. That way I know they will be out quite a bit. And we use one of the twice weekly babysitting as a date night so we do get nice alone time that is just me and DH. Could you try that?

I was an au pair. The family included me in everything. I was a bit naive about space and wouldn't have got the idea that I should have known my place as such. They treated me so well that we are still great friends 25 years on and we see each other every few years. I'm afraid I think if you value her that much then you might need to adjust your thinking. (I too would find it hard in your position admittedly)

This is why I don't have an au pair - because I don't want someone hanging round my house the whole time.

Tough, frankly

She's another adult in your house. Not one of your DC.

She's not one of your DCs though is she? She's a third adult that's joined the household.

You can still have flexible childcare that's not an AP. You just have to pay for it. Au pairs are cheap because part of their salary is the provision of food and a home.

If you're only prepared to provide a room, and not a home, don't have an au pair.

We had many au pairs when DCs were young. Trust me that it works best when the AP is treated equally to the other adults in the home.

If you want some time with DH, go out, or you two go to your bedroom.

Au-pairs are meant to be party of the family not banished. Maybe you need a different form of child care