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Original poster

a little uncomfortable with AP walking around in boxers

39 replies

finefatmama · 12/09/2015 20:49

AP (32) has been here for almost 2 weeks. DH says he's impressed with him and one of the boys has given positive feedback so far. I haven't been as comfortable with his age and motives and decided to give it time.

This morning he came and greeted me in the sitting room with a bit of a superman pose and a 5 second pause in his boxers before proceeding to the kitchen to make himself some breakfast. Then he proceeded to join the boys in the bathroom to brush his teeth while they were taking a bath. DH was supervising the boys and doesn't think anything of it. No one in the house walks around like that and I don't want grown ups thinking it ok to be that cosy with other people's children around or encouraging a 'lets get comfy together in our boxers' atmosphere with my kids. Am I overreacting?

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Original poster
finefatmama · 14/09/2015 17:19

Au pair is value for money for 25 hours a week and I can't see what a nanny would differently or better at this stage in the kids lives especially given that I have three days a week of therapists, 1 day of tutors and DH works from home in the afternoons while I don't leave for work till the school bus gets here. It's not cheaper overall but a live in role for 25 hours a week works for us.

I can be persuaded but i don't see it. Of course if you send me the cheque for the difference Grin I will hire a nanny and beg him/her to ignore how bored and underemployed he/she will be and stay with us. But seriously, we had spoken to a special needs agency in the past and they agreed that part time live in role with split shifts doesn't quite work for nannies.

One has to see the value in paying 4 to 5 times as much to go for it when the kids are of school age and some of us don't boxer or no boxer. Don't mean to sound antagonistic.

OP posts:
RachelZoe · 13/09/2015 22:24

That's why I said "could you" look into getting a proper nanny. I have unfortunately met lots of people who hire an ap purely because they're cheaper when they could afford/need an actual nanny.

Blondeshavemorefun · 13/09/2015 22:16

Plus cost

An ap is about 1/5th of a price of a 5 day daily nanny

TheDowagerCuntess · 13/09/2015 20:32

OK fair enough, it was just one example. The point remains that they perform different functions and people need to use what works for them.

RachelZoe · 13/09/2015 20:01

There are actually many different nanny combinations, live out, part time, weekend only, nanny-pa hybrid, nanny-housekeeper hybrid. I have a traditional live in nanny set up, I know other people with a 3 day a week nanny/personal assistant, huge variety. It's also not unusual at all for a nanny to live in, most of the nannies I know do.

NuffSaidSam · 13/09/2015 19:38

Dowager I absolutely agree about the different roles of a nanny and an au pair, but nannies can and do live-in. Not always, but there are many live-in nannies and live-in nanny roles. It's not one of the differences between nannies and au pairs.

OP I don't think there is any reason to believe the au pair is dodgy. Lots of people walk round at home in undies only, a bit odd to do it in someone else's home admittedly, but it's being done so openly and casually that it doesn't seem 'dodgy'. Just ask him not to. If he carries on then definitely a weirdo. If he stops then just a different culture/attitude/approach.

TheDowagerCuntess · 13/09/2015 19:06

In all honesty, suggesting a nanny to someone who wants an au pair - although clearly meant well - isn't actually that helpful, as they're such different things.

People love to deride the au pair set-up on Mumsnet, but it performs quite a different function to that of a nanny, and suits many families perfectly, in a way that a nanny would not. Au pairs live-in, for a start.

littleducks · 13/09/2015 19:02

One the one hand I would hate it in my house.

On the other hand a more mature male carer with a background in care rather than childcare sounds possible good for a SN child receiving therapy interventions and with some challenging behaviours.

It's about balance, you want that one of the boys atmosphere at times but not to the extent that it makes you uncomfortable in your home. Have a chat with him out might be cultural mismatch and he might be surprised you are unhappy.

I would prob say the bathroom can't be shared. To me that is normal, but maybe not to others?

Original poster
finefatmama · 13/09/2015 18:52

Rachel, the recruitment wasn't haphazard. We check their ids, carry out Skype and face to face interviews, get 2 references in addition to police checks, follow up on references. I'm not sure what thorough checks we didn't do.
SS were happy with the process we underwent as the abusive on came to us from a family in London who gave good written and verbal references which they also confirmed to SS. Looking at pictures etc is a follow up which I do to establish consistency with the story I'm told at interview and not a screening method.

My kids are 10 and 9 so I don't think they need a trained nanny. Ds1has SN and didnt cope at childminders. We also have therapists in the home 3 afternoons a week. Our au pairs get trained by the school, home therapist and me. We are certain we need an au pair with the right attitude and disposition. Our last one came for 4 months and stayed for 15months and we've had time to assess that it's what we need.

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Loki012 · 13/09/2015 18:43

I just want to calm all the worriers down, I am from Czech and its very normal that guys walk around in their boxers. Its just very normal in Czech.
So dont worry, it doesnt mean he is dogdy.
Just talk to him and tell him it makes you uncomfortable.
Just a different culture, thats all.

RachelZoe · 13/09/2015 15:12

So you had an AP who beat your children, and then got another one who hasn't been thoroughly checked out/seems really shady and you don't know what you should do? Seriously?? Get rid of him, if you've already had SS involved because of your choice of childcare, then surely any doubt isn't worth ignoring? Meeting their family/looking at pictures is also not a very good screening method Confused

I really think you need to reassess your attitude towards hiring people who look after your kids, this all sounds a bit haphazard and chaotic.

Could you look into getting a proper nanny if you require that level of care and home help? A properly trained nanny, found through an agency would be a much safer bet.

Original poster
finefatmama · 13/09/2015 14:56

I almost always worry when we get au pairs as we got one 4 years ago who was hitting the kids behind our backs and ds2 was too scared to tell until he disclosed at school and it became a social services matter. but the feeling tends to settle when I meet them. I just thought it was me adjusting to having a male au pair causing the discomfort.

Savoy , I say so because I have no evidence that he was a builder or has a Disabled brother. Those were his responses to my questions bout his background and why he wanted to be an AP and why UK. The reference from his home carer role for a physically disabled person checked out as did his 3 month job as a baggage handler at the airport.

With our previous APs, we usually spend time getting to know them and looking at family pictures and for the last 2 we eventually met the family members.

It was the Superman/Wonder Woman hands on hips pose but not worth the first glance which is probably why DH thought it amusing when I told him.

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EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 13/09/2015 11:05

It seems from what you're saying that you weren't comfortable with this AP from the start, but your DH talked you into it. That's not a good dynamic for choosing someone to live in your home and be part of your family. There are literally hundreds of people on Au Pair World and one of the questions is about willingness to work with DCs with disabilities. Why choose someone you distrust?

BoboChic · 13/09/2015 10:56

At the very least, your AP is stunningly immature.

Blondeshavemorefun · 13/09/2015 10:55

I thought ap's had to be between a certain age

Tbh I wasn't sure if you were joking about the superman pose and boxers - let alone stocking fridge with beer and drinking it - I assume he was off duty then?

You are not comfortable with the situation and seems dh isn't bothered - would be like a female to walk around in underwear / lets lone barge in when kids in bath

Seems very unprofessional and a stern chat /house rules are needed with both you and dh present

Ap sounds jack the lad and not who I would want looking after my children

  • disabled or not
SavoyCabbage · 12/09/2015 22:45

How come you are saying things like 'he says he was a builder' and 'he said he had a disabled brother' rather than 'he has a disabled brother'?

SansaryaAgain · 12/09/2015 22:37

OP if he looks like this then I really wouldn't complain...

a little uncomfortable with AP walking around in boxers
RachelZoe · 12/09/2015 22:31

This all sounds very strange.

I have a male nanny and he wouldn't be acting like that, when they're all getting ready in the morning he might be out of the shower in towel/undies mithering them to hurry the fuck up/getting them dressed or whatever but he wouldn't be striking poses or anything, the superman pose thing is bizarre, and why do you need someone to handle your ds being "physically demanding"? What does that mean?

All very odd.

TheDowagerCuntess · 12/09/2015 22:24

But even so.

You only bring someone into your house to live, and look after your DC, if you both feel really sure about them.

Having an au pair is unique - you really have to feel sure about the person, because you're sharing your home with them.

Cerseirys · 12/09/2015 22:07

Well I think the question in everyone's mind is does he work out at the gym and if so, where can they get a similar au pair?? Grin

Fatrascals · 12/09/2015 22:04

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ImperialBlether · 12/09/2015 22:04

Not that I think you need to worry about police checks, necessarily, but do you have police checks for the Czech Republic, Spain and the UK?

Original poster
finefatmama · 12/09/2015 22:03

TheDower, I am known to be a little paranoid at the best of times and we have no plans to allow sole charge for extended periods in the first 3 months. I leave home after they've gone to school and DH gets back within 30 minutes of their return from school and works from home

He explained that his firs caring role was one of necessity but he found it more satisfying. He also said he had a disabled brother and wanted to move into care or nursing in the UK. Making the move now cause his girlfriend dumped him.

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Original poster
finefatmama · 12/09/2015 21:58

He has references and a police check. We interviewed him in Prague and our outgoing AP checked one of them.

I will let him know to stop it. Coming to think of it I should have been firmer when he stocked the fridge with Stella and settled down to drink a couple on his first day. He's probably making himself at home.

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ImperialBlether · 12/09/2015 21:57

Nor me. No way at all.