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Original poster

Sulky au pair

35 replies

pjsgalore · 15/07/2015 13:50

Hi, I'm feeling depressed about our au pair and I wonder if any of you lovely mums or dads have been in a similar position.

She's really lovely in many respects, and I'm very fond of her (well I was…)

But lately, particularly in the mornings, she's had a very VERY long face. We are a very cheerful happy family - and I feel she's really bringing the atmosphere down. This morning when she came downstairs she didn't even reply when my little boy said good morning to her. And barely replied to me when I said good morning.

Only two days ago I spoke to her about how she was - as she burst into tears at my son's birthday party…saying she missed Spain and her boyfriend etc. I said that if she missed Spain I would totally understand if she went back. She has already had three weeks paid holiday in Spain since she arrived with us in March (we said she could have four weeks' paid holiday a year). She's literally only just got back!

I'm not very good at confrontations, but I took her aside and said that if she needs to go back she must, life is too short to be miserable and homesick, that we would all understand, and also I really need someone happy in my house. She said she WAS happy - we were a 'fantastic family' and she was just feeling unsettled. Her mum and dad (who've I spoken to over Skype) really want her to stay here to learn English. And she SAYS she wants to be here, but her mood doesn't quite tally.

I asked her if there was anything I could do here to make her life better. She said she'd like a bike so I said of course I'd get her one. We are very kind to her - never ever works more hours than we agreed, does virtually no housework as we have a cleaner, just been on a wonderful holiday to France with us (where she also often had a long face in the mornings), I buy her flowers and really have embraced her as a little sister. I help her with her English, found her an English teacher and paid for 10 lessons, my mum has given her some lessons etc etc.

Then yet again today she can barely muster a smile. It's AWFUL. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells in my own normally bright and happy home. She's downstairs right now crashing around in the kitchen with a face like thunder. I don't know whether I should just take it, whether I should mention it to her AGAIN or what. This morning I bought her some flowers for her room today to try and lift her mood and she barely said thank you.

Please help!!!

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DrinkFeckArseGirls · 18/07/2015 21:51

Grin Shock pot!

PotOfYoghurt · 18/07/2015 21:26

Quilt-tripped, Drink?! That sounds painful! Grin

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 18/07/2015 09:29

Not surprised her parents are pissed off! I suspect he quilt-tripped her into coming back Shock

Blondeshavemorefun · 18/07/2015 08:49

Glad she is leaving - sounds the best solution

It is hard for someone to leave their partner for a year - maybe try for a single one next time - or even a male one

You sound lovely and very understanding - sure you will find a nice ap

VerityWaves · 18/07/2015 08:07

God you sound like a nice person !
She sounds very spoilt actually. Very silly girl to behave like that.
One day she may look back and cringe at this. Missing her bf wtf?!!
She should have said a big thank you to you !!

Original poster
pjsgalore · 18/07/2015 07:55

Haha - thanks everyone! Yes please to offers to be my au pair - husbands and children welcome!

We both had a weep yesterday - I will miss her, but I am relieved. She sort of jokingly asked if she could go home then come back in September once she's recovered... I think not...But I'd be happy for her to come and visit us - the children will miss her (well, who she was before she became so miserable!).

She is a good person, just in an unsettled place. It's absolutely none of my business and I've never said anything negative to her about it... but a bit of background - her boyfriend is 14 years older than her, has never left Spain, and says he will never leave Spain. He's terrified of flying and has no desire to travel and wants children now.

Up until recently he lived with his Mum, who used to wake up at 4am in the morning just to prepare him breakfast and a packed lunch before he went to work at the local shoe factory. The mum has five sons, she does all their housework (my au pair used to say she was worried she'd have to do the same once she married him).

My au pair is only 23, has a degree in electrical engineering and is desperate to travel the world...ANYWAY. It's her life, and I genuinely hope whatever she chooses it's a happy one.

Turquoise and Greenhills - how did you advertise for/find those coming from those areas - ie health profession and university? Sounds like a lovely idea, thank you. I've also asked on my local facebook mums group in the hopes of finding someone already here.

I've had quite a few responses on Aupairworld - but going to try and hold out for someone already here or at least as some kind poster already said - someone who's lived away from home before.

OP posts:
Turquoiseblue · 18/07/2015 07:04

You sound like an incredibly kind and tolerant employer.
Your au pair sounds a little immature and possibly indulged and I bet she will regret leaving.
Good luck with your new hunt! I ve was about to post that I have had similar success with more local university or school leavers (and YY to those training in healthcare or teaching professions)

chasingtherainbow · 18/07/2015 06:54

Can I move in with you? You sound lovely!

I'm glad she's going back home. I've been keeping an eye on your thread and It was rubbish for you and clearly she needed to go. I hope her bf is worth it!

msgrinch · 18/07/2015 00:30

I'll be you're au pair if you'll take me and ds and the cat Grin

Ebb · 17/07/2015 09:24

I'm glad she's decided to be honest with you and go home. It's sad that her parents aren't supporting her when she's obviously not happy living away from home. I'm sure you'll find a nice au pair soon.

Greenrememberedhills · 17/07/2015 07:00

I think it depends what you need from an aupair. I got sick of them, and had more success through our local university. Especially health related courses.

Purplepumpkins · 17/07/2015 06:38

Hey, just to say I think you sound lovely! I'm a nanny so believe me it makes a ton of difference having a nice understanding employer. Second don't let this experience or you off, I would recommend maybe an au pair plus who is slightly older and more experienced I think that way you will hopefully avoid this situation again.

Original poster
pjsgalore · 16/07/2015 20:54

Hi everyone! My lovely online supporters during this horrible little period!! THANK YOU ALL. Well, amidst a lot of tears this morning, I asked her if she'd made a decision, and she said she is missing her boyfriend too much and is going to go home. I told her I totally understood and we had a hug. I felt quite relieved….well really relieved actually.

I think she feels very guilty and conflicted about it, and for the first time in ages has tried really hard to be cheerful and nice today. So that's nice… she leaves in two weeks. What a wasted opportunity - apparently her parents are furious about it. Anyway, she's not ready, and you have to make your own mistakes and decisions. I hope she's happy and doesn't it regret it when she gets back to Spain.

I'm now feeling a bit gun-shy about trying for another one. But she was here for five months, so not too bad. I'm hoping maybe I can find a girl who already lives here, so I can meet her face to face - and so she's also used to living away from home. we'll see! I think for tonight I'm just going to relax in front of Netflix with some popcorn and not think about it.

Thank you all again! And any further tips on how to find lovely au pairs would be much appreciated.

OP posts:
Jen1610 · 16/07/2015 18:36

wow where do you live? I want to be your au pair. She actually doesn't sound like she does much work and seems to be getting a pretty good deal out of it in return?

HuckleberryMishMash · 16/07/2015 18:29

If only I'd worked for you when I was an au pair OP.

You sound like a brilliant employer and you have made so much effort to help her settle in.

I hope things resolve well whatever the au pair decides to do.

mrsmeerkat · 16/07/2015 18:25

Did you do anything more about her op?

msgrinch · 16/07/2015 16:16

Oh op you really do sound like a lovely employer. I really hope you get this sorted as you've been wonderful to her.

HeyDuggee · 16/07/2015 15:50

You're way too nice and she's behaving like a sulky teenager, not a 23 year old adult.

Perfectly ok to say tomorrow morning ..I've slept on it as well, and thinking about it more... I have to put my young children's best interest first. I understand you might be homesick, but it is not acceptable to ignore my children because you are in a mood. This is not the first time I'm having this conversation with you and if you stay, it won't be the last time....

Nannylookingforafamily · 16/07/2015 15:32

I think she's rude actually!

Rugbycomet · 15/07/2015 19:04

I agree. You've bent over backwards to make her feel at home and the smirking would really get my back up. You will feel so relieved when she's gone. Good luck.

saturnvista · 15/07/2015 18:56

I have just dismissed a mother's help for attitude problems, among other things. The thought of her leaving quite soon is such a relief - when you home is your own again you will dance through it.

couldoutme · 15/07/2015 18:50

Well done pjs, you've done exactly the right thing.

selly24 · 15/07/2015 18:47

Me too! You sound great people to work for. But maybe too nice for this girl. It seems the stick would be better than the carrot for her! ( And you've even turned the carrot into carrot CAKE!)

Original poster
pjsgalore · 15/07/2015 18:44

Soooo, we just had a chat…I got back from picking my DS up from nursery and she barely acknowledged our return. So I felt I actually HAD to say something right there and then.

I basically said 'what's wrong? I can see you're not feeling happy today. And she sort of smirked and said, well, we can't all be happy every single day. Not everyone is always happy like you!! Everybody has bad days. So I said, I'm not happy every day, but I just don't SHOW my irritation to everyone.

Sometimes I don't FEEL like waking up at 6am on a Saturday, but despite that I still enter my children's room with a big smile and say GOOD MORNING and look happy - for them.

I said I need someone who is happy and cheerful. If you're not happy, please, you must go back to Spain. I think you should talk to your mum tonight. I need you be cheerful. I said all day long I"ve felt uncomfortable in my own home. Please, have a good think tonight and be honest about whether you are actually happy here and enjoying it and enjoying being an au pair - for both of our sakes - and we'll talk again in the morning. So we'll see…I kind of wish I'd just told her I don't want her to stay at all. I feel I've lost confidence in her totally.

OP posts:
MrsHende · 15/07/2015 15:00

I've not really got any advice but can I be your au pair?! You sound lovely!

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