Au pair claiming child had tantrum

Still waiting age op :)

karoleann I completely agree apparently some people giving advice about au pairs don't have them! Back in the real world, people use au pairs for sole care for children over the age of 2. Easy to call someone a cheapskate when you're speaking from a privileged position.

We do 'up' the pay a bit during the holidays to reflect extra hours, and also give either cash or a credit card with a daily limit for planned activities to encourage greater autonomy. Also some kind of activity camp a couple of times a week is great too, and lots of their friends are often there.

Cultural exchange, absolutely. But the girls I've had have all wanted the job experience as they've all (bar one) gone into caring professions; nanny, nurse, and the time spent here has looked great on their CV's. Also, we've picked girls who have come from families with siblings of a similar age, or extended families, or girls who have worked in a kindergarten before. I've found it's helped them have the techniques already in place for dealing with a tantrum/issues that crop up.

How old is your son? it is quite difficult for us to form an opinion based on the facts you have given. A 2 year old having a tantrum compared to a 5 year old is very different.

how old is your son? and yes i see it like hsm, both are telling the truth in their eyes

but if the ap is calling you, means she feels she cant cope

You should not be using an Au pair for sole care of an under 5 year old! Does she have first aid training? Is she insured? If anything happened whilst in her care you could be in big trouble with the police.
Stop being a cheapskate and employ a trained nanny!

OP you need to ignore a lot of the advise given already as there seems to be a lot of people posting about au pairs recently who have absolutely no experience with au pairs.

I live in aupairville. Lots of big houses with rooms for an au pair. Our local pub regularly has 40+ au pairs for au pair night. They usually look after school aged children, 25-30 hers during term time. School holidays its 2-3 full days and the rest camp. It's not good to put children in full-time camp especially if they have an au pair. Language course do not run in school holidays anyway. Your hours are absolutely fine, au pairs do full days in school holidays.

Personally, From what you said I think its probably 50/50, your au pair was tired and your son was naughty. It's best forgotten.

Going forward you need to make sure your au pair isn't too tired to work. When you give her the weekly schedule just re-iterate that this day is busy and she doesn't want to be too tired. Buy her a very noisy alarm clock if its a problem.
If its not working ask her not to go out that evening.
Our au pairs have always been very concientious....I don't think turning up on time and not being to tired is asking too much.

Luky it sounds like two things are happening your son exploring boundaries but also that you need a proper chat with ap about her attitude in terms of her hours, timing.
This can be very hard especially as ap are usually young and doing a lot socialising whether it be going out or social media. Especially as she has not been with you for very long. From experience it is best to get the bottom of issues fairly quickly.
We had a very lovely au pair who was terrible at mornings so we minimised these and her day really started from school pick up time to early evening.
I hope things improve for you.

Our au pairs also do longer days less often. Works for us. No I don't think you need a nanny.
I think your son has hit a developmental milestone. The one of.. I can manipulate the situation and undermine my carer. So far I have seen 2 of my 4 kids get to that point. Are they horrid lying kids. No. It's about boundaries and respect. I have a number of agreed ways of enforcing behaviour that ap's can use too. Maybe look at agreed interventions so ap knows how to intervene?
I always take ap's version as gospel. They are the adult.

Child must be school age to be asked to write a letter. So I suggest you book him into holiday clubs in future. Au pair does drop off and pick ups.
She rang you at 9 am because she couldn't cope.
You say she agreed to less days more hours, but the rules suggesting au pairs do a maximum 5 hours a day are there for a reason.
They are young girls on a cultural visit to UK , not professional nannies.
And agree you shouldn't have issued punishments over the phone. A child having a tantrum is normal. It should be dealt with at the time by adult who is present.
Agree with other posters that both au pair and child are not lying just different perspectives.

This isn't a situation where there was an atmosphere, you asked what had happened, and she told you a version of events and you now disbelieve her.

She phoned you at 9am, while you were at work to tell you this had happened. Why would she go to all that trouble to phone you if it wasn't true? She was obviously quite upset about it.

Your DS denied it? Well duh! To quote Mandy Rice-Davies: "Well he would, wouldn't he?"

I know someone who is a HOY who always laughs about the number of parents who earnestly assert "My child doesn't tell lies." Unfortunately, it doesn't matter how lovely the child, if they think they can get out of a punishment/telling off, they will all lie their socks off.

And I don't understand the following about your OP: I called home at 5pm . . . and told my son to apologise and to write a sorry letter. I also cancelled time in the garden as a result. Later you write I spoke to him this morning (without telling him her version) and it's entirely different. WTF? So you phone up from work, dispense two [frankly OTT, in my view but that's neither here nor there] punishments from afar without actually talking to your son about what he had done. If you told him to apologise didn't you tell him what for?? Makes no sense whatsoever.

I honestly think au pairs are going to become a thing of the past. It just doesn't really work with today's standards of child care.

You cannot expect nanny-quality child care from a young woman with little to no experience.

I agree, you ought to try to find a nanny.

I also think she did everything she could, she called you and it doesn't sound like there would be any reason for her to lie. She is not a parent, she is not a trained child care practitioner. She is a young kid who is babysitting your child for a few hours a day.

I don't think either of them us lying, just giving their version if events.

If the au pair called you at work it was a cry for help that she couldn't cope with the situation. As others have said she's an au pair, so there is only so much you can expect from her as she's not a nanny.

I remember an au pair friend saying to me "I was at school three months ago being told what to do by everyone, and now I'm supposed to know how to deal with a 7yo having a tantrum in the street because he doesn't want to go to tennis."

I agree with HSM. I also think that this isn't a big deal and you should help your au pair with a few coping mechanisms, but also just tell her that kids are a pain sometimes, and you just muddle along.

I think it is too late to make a big fuss with your son; I am assuming he is still fairly young.

I am worried about where you say they have arguments in front of you. That sounds like two kids winding each other up. Not an adult in charge of the situation. Worrying.

Sounds like you don't think the AuPair is very good, bit the. As PPs have said, she is not a Nanny.

Hire a proper nanny for child care

I can see it from a point of view that they are both telling the truth. He was grumpy about being told to get his hat. He saw himself as putting the coats on the floor so he could get it, she saw him throwing the coats on the floor. Two stories, same event, no one lying.

If you want quality childcare from someone trained in child behaviour you have to pay for it. An au pair is part of a cultural exchange, should be part of the family- poor time keeping is not something that you can honestly complain about if you are making her work longer days (even if she said that's ok) because it has obviously tired her out.

I think your expectations are too high.

How old is your DS?

This isn't the kind of situation you should be in with an au pair, you do realise that don't you?

I have a mother's help (paid by the hour) and personally, if she lied about anything, that would be it. Knowing she's telling me the truth about my DD is everything to me.

My concern wouldn't be this incident, but the bit where you said she lies about other, small stuff.

A lie is a lie is a lie-small or large I'd not be able to leave my child with someone I knew or thought was capable of lying. To me that's a bigger concern.

If you want the truth, put them both in front of you in the same room and discuss. You will soon see who the liar is

She isn't a trained nanny. You can't expect her to act as though she knows about childcare and how to manage poor behaviour. She's just a young woman with little experience.

Maybe you should think about getting a nanny.