The au pair 'employers' thread

Hi Bienchen, kind of sorted...AP came for an overnight stay so we could size each other up. Would still like to talk to you...re cat, apologies as have been not firing on all cylinders this week and doing the minimum. Her present family don't sound too nice, she's contracted to do 25 hours and host mum happily admitted to me that the AP does double that for no more pay. They've given her three days off (xmas eve, xmas day and boxing day) and made it clear she's not invited to stay for xmas but not enough time for her to go home to germany. Any tips on what to put in the agreement before I finalise it? Do you have any sample agreements I could crib?

I had a male AP for a while,he was very sweet and great when the computer crashed etc but not very gd with my DDs,but i think if you have boys they are pretty handy

sashycat - we last had a brilliant male au pair to look after my then 10 yr DS. I had to sack the previous au pair as she was just totally unsuitable... It completely depends un your circumstances but I found that a male au pair was more in tune with a 10 year old boy (AP had younger stepsiblings). He happily played football, took DS swimming, was happy to cook the odd meal and never complained about the mile walk for the school run!

Does anyone have any advice on male aupairs? I have been asked by the agencies if I would consider a man and, to be frank, can't really think of a reason (rather than an excuse)as to why I would not - at least one would not have to put up with PMT!

Happynappy - are you sorted yet?

hi bluebear, we use our AP for some sole charge care of both baby and 5-year-old and it is absolutely fine (she is leaving, but that is nothing to do with her childcare abilities). I think you have to be quite confident in the person though, make sure they have some experience, train and observe them for a while before leaving on their own with kids, and also make sure their level of English is reasonable enough that if anything goes wrong, they will be able to cope in your (temporary) absence.

With our previous au pair, she was lovely but her level of English was initially poor, so I did not feel confident leaving her in charge of the baby while I was out until she'd been with us for 6 months, knew the kids and their routines very well, and I felt she would be ok in case of emergency. With current AP, level of English (and her own confidence) were both much better, and I felt comfortable leaving her after a much shorter time.

I'd think doing school pick-ups for a pre-schooler would be well within the scope of most au pairs' duties. Just don't expect them to be the same as a nanny - they generally will need much more explicit instructions, and to have things explained/shown several times, and are unlikely to be as familiar with things like what kids like to eat, to do, etc. They certainly cannot, as a rule, hit the ground running the way a nanny would (or should). They generally stick around for less time too, though nannies don't always hang around for the long term either, so no guarantee there.

Thanks Artist - I am gathering as much info as I can before I make the leap! Very sorry that you are having such a battle with your AP at the moment, hope it gets better soon.

Blue bear I don?t think that beyond the capabilities of an AP. Our last long term AP could do this no problem (even the one I sent home!!), and be 100% reliable. I would be inclined to look for an AP with at least 1 year?s pervious experience living with a family and looking after a toddler, as I wish I have done.
We had a long stay AP who has been with a family with children similar ages to ours, so the transition was very smooth.

Our new AP and toddler are not doing very well, even after 4 weeks. Pollyanna ? I?m in the same position and need her to pick 3 yr old at 1pm, and deliver home safely, and she CAN over come this if she would bother to listen to me, and follow a few simple techniques and bit of diversion instead of giving up instantly. I think the truth is AP doesn?t want to but we are also having conflicts with discipline and levels of what?s acceptable with AP.

DS bought a new DVD (star wars) which I thinks is age appropriate (7rys) and he was sooo thrilled he couldn?t wait to show her and he started to talk about it and AP. replies
?I don?t approve of this and I don?t think you should be watching such violence?
DS asks ? very disappointed
?Have you seen it??
AP ? ?well actually no, but we have similar things in my country?
AP then refused to play card games because it had characters similar star wars in it.

So then I have to end the day by asking AP not to undermine my decisions, and think carefully before making such remarks and explain how she possibly made DS feel, and have gently reminded her of our last conversation on following our example, and how I didn?t want to hear anymore about AP?s ?ideal world? or it won?t work out. It was such a pity as there have been vast improvements, in other areas.

Sorry for long post

artist67, my ap is the same with my 3 year old. To be fair to her, the 3 year old is pretty difficult with her, but she has just given up on her (face like thunder everytime she has to do anything with her).

I have got a job outside the home for 2 days a week and am trying to work out whether the ap can look after the children (including my 3 yo!) from school pick up time to the time I am back again. The baby will go to a nursery.

I was thinking about moving from a nanny to an au pair next year but am getting worried reading your thread! Do any of you use the au pair to provide childcare cover whilst you work outside the home ( I will need someone to pick 3 and a half year old dd up from nursery at 1pm and keep her safe until 3pm ) or would I be asking too much in terms of reliability etc. Am I more likely to end up with big gaps between au pairs with no childcare cover than if I employ another nanny?

hi - thanks for advice everyone. Actually the au pair called me herself and said she'd now told her family she wanted to leave and they were happy to talk with me. The mom actually called me on her own today and gave some useful information. Basically the AP is nice and honest, but it sounds like she's been mainly doing housework for them - AP has been helping look after 15 month old but mum does not even ask her to change nappies ?! And she has never once, in 6 months, had to look after the two kids together. Not sure how that would work, really. Family were planning to change childcare arrangements anyway as their work patterns are changing and they felt they couldn't leave the AP at home with the baby for extended periods, so at least they aren't too unhappy.

So now we've made a tentative offer to this au pair, but it seems like her childcare experience is not as much as she claims - either she or the mum is exaggerating. I'm looking into some other options too, but the cost of a nanny is crippling (and I don't feel we really need one as I'm around most of the time, though working), and childminder and nursery can't take my older child during holidays which makes them pretty well useless for us. Hmm.

Coudberry -thanks for advice. I would love to have live out help but I have some early morning starts 6.30am and DH is sometimes for a few nights in the week. So the hours are sometimes varied. Before I agreed to new AP, I did advertise locally for a live out early morning help but not much luck!!

However another AP ( with English AP experience in the UK not too far away and sound fab in a e-mails) has applied to one of my old Ad?s and available from end of Jan. I have not took it much further as yet, but not sure if its better the devil you know rather than start the process again ??

AP was undecided about going home for Christmas and kept hinting at the expense of travelling, but I didn?t feel like forking out £300 for air ticket for someone that?s only been here for a 4 weeks( and not that good, either) To my relief AP is going home for Christmas by cheaper option of coach?Yippee I get a break and she not invading my social life for example I was going to a new restaurant with a few of my friends that AP has met, and she asked If I minded if she came too, because AP friend was busy. so I was put on the spot so I lied, and said BF?s treating us as special occasion.

She?s has now given up even trying to bath 3 year old, or doing anything for him? she find it all too much. She told me it was a shame 3 year old DS didn?t like her and that?s end of that. I have asked her to try to divert him and make it a bit more fun. It took her 15mins to get him dressed and a further 10mins to put his shoes on. Yesterday after several feeble attempts by AP, I ended up asking 5year old DD to help 3 year old to get dressed, then AP asked DD is she would mind putting his shoes and coat on as well !!!!

I would certainly try to speak to her current family. Last year i interviewed an AP who wanted to change families for location reasons and to go to another college. However, it turns out she had changed families 3 times in one year, and always seemed to be looking for the best deal!!

Mzzan - family might be a bit miffed but hopefully, you might get the relevant info about good and bad points.

Bienchen - am going to CAT you but have to sign up to it first!! But would love you to give me some hot tips on interviewing. I've got a pretty good feeling about AP already but would like some tips on how to bring out the best and find out the not so good. She arrives tomorrow for an overnight stay.

MizZan - if the potential AP goes behind her current host family's back to secure a better position then how do you know she won't do it to you and leave you in the lurch? I wouldn't hire AP who was going behind present family's back. It would make me think her comms skills, ie social skills rather than language, weren't too good. Could make things pretty awkward at school for you son and you too.

MizZan

If you go with your gut feeling and offer AP job before contacting her current employer, you could insert wording the the effect 'subject to satisfactory reference' then you are covered aren't you?

advice needed ladies. we just met tonight with a new potential ap who has spent the last 6 months working for a family in a small village near the university town where we live. She's looking to change families because she wants to live right in the town, where all her friends and her language school are, and also because her current family don't have her on a fixed schedule, which she'd prefer. She seems very nice though English is limited, and the kids she looks after are the same age as ours, so so far, so good.

the problem is getting a reference from the current family. She hasn't told them yet that she wants to leave them, and they were apparently expecting her to stay a year. She does not want to tell them until she has a firm new job offer, but on my side, I am not sure about making a job offer before getting a reference from them. Am I being overly finicky? Should I just go with my gut instinct (to hire her) and hope for the best? Will the mum of the current family be likely to give me an honest reference anyway, if she's mad that the ap is leaving?

just to complicate matters the kid of the current family goes to the same, very small private school as our son...not that we knew this when we contacted her for an interview!

h.appynappy - where do you want to start. We have had au pairs for seven years! Just finished this summer as DS is now at senior school, I was made redundant a few weeks ago and am pg with DC2 due Feb so no need for au pairs. We had everything the good, bad and indifferent. If you like you can CAT me and have a chat over the phone

have to say bienchen you've been really helpful, some great solutions - any more pearls of wisdom would be gratefully accepted

I'd arrange for au pair to attend a trial lesson or two with either option. I found that really usefule - it also helps to make sure class is pitched at correct level for au pair (not too difficult or easy = boring).

Is it there any value to paying for langugage school for our AP rather than the local college which offers free ESOL for EU nationals? Wondered if there was more chance of social network in college or language school? Can anyone give benefit of their experience?

Happynappy - not true that only agency can request this. As a matter of fact, au pair can organise this herself. I know as I did so when I needed paperwork for Australia (am German national). Wasn't expensive but took a few weeks.

Haven't read all of the thread so if there's anything else you want to ask, feel free.

Artist, God it sounds like quite a nightmare for you. Much harder if there are some things which are OK and improving but with that whole negative area too. It's such an awful situation to find yourself in particularly when you REALLY need the help. I know what you mean about criticism being personal. That's what I found the worst about ex ap. The stuff that irritated me I could cope with, it was the implication that we were over-working her and that she'd clearly been discussing it with her friends and then the subsequent details that really nailed it for me. Very very hard when you feel it becomes personal. Have you got friends locally or know other mothers who might know of someone who could help out? I had a fantastic girl who helped us for 10 weeks just before and then after the birth of ds. She lives locally, had worked for years for someone I've known for ages and now works for loads of different families here and there, one day a week for one family, two days a week or a fortnight for someone else etc etc. She's not a nanny as such as she has no formal training, but is brilliant with children and just getting on with things and using her initiative, Only thing is she costs rather more than an ap!! A friend of mine who's asking her ap to leave at christmas, doesn't want to have an ap again for a while but would like some help is going to ring this girl. Sorry - long-winded explanation but just wondered if you know of anyone similiar round you, or could ask if anyone you know knows of someone. Christmas is a problem too because now unless you're really lucky and could find someone immediately, there's not much point in starting with someone new till the New Year. Anyway I've jumped several guns here and should shut up. Just feel for you hugely and wish I could offer words of wisdom that would make a difference. Ramble ramble .......!!

Thanks Bienchen, I'll pass that info right along to hear, any thoughts on my other postings?

Cloudberry ? Syrup, It is so frustrating because there has been a vast improvement with the Ironing and she is actually achieved some housework, she is extremely willing to help and is very appreciative and considerate, for example she will eat with us at weekends and help clear up?and more besides

This criticism is a real blow and I find it very personal and unwanted. Basically DH hit the roof, then laughed at the thought of our unorganised very passive AP, who has not yet (or ever attempted) to put into practice her discipline or communication techniques. Syrup, I couldn?t think of the right word but it is the lack of ?homeliness? and ?warmth? that IS missing.

AP was certainly not mis-lead by us, as I always stress the worse parts. In AP?s original profile she was pitching herself as a ?nanny? when she approached us. I did make it very clear that I didn?t need a nanny. If I did, at the very least I would expect her to have childcare qualifications and to have worked within a nursery or home setting, and an understanding of family life. This was eventually resolved, and it was very clear from the onset that we are very different; AP very quiet and I?m generally not but i can accept this.

I think she finds the whole AP thing beneath her skills, and her expectations, in my view are unrealistic, as each day passes she interferes or makes very patronising suggestions. It usually starts off about the noise levels of the children, but if she tried to bloody entertain them whilst I?m cooking she might not be reaching for the headache pills at the end of the day.
Although she has made her own friends she has started highjacking our evenings. Last weekend we had friends round and I didn?t mind her staying for a chat, then I expected her to go off doing her own thing, (which she would normally do) but she stayed for virtually the whole evening not really saying very much and got quietly drunk on red wine.

So, yes I am finding the whole thing very difficult to handle, but I desperately need some help until the end of Jan and trying to be very calm.