The au pair 'employers' thread

Is AuPair world really so bare??? There is usually somebody already in the UK who is fed up with their current family.

A nanny is a fair bit more expensive (c 17 000 pa outside London? or am I out of date?), but you can ask her to do childrens laundry and take them swimming, without fear or guilt.

Oh and by the way, she attends English classes twice a week. Her tutor said she is not any further forward and feels that she maybe here to be close to boy friend.

All I want is for my daughter to be safe while I am at work.

Yes you are right, really I need to be stronger with her, but don't want all the tears.
Wish I could replace her now, but not pratical at this time of year.
Do you know how much a nanny costs ?
This maybe another option, as long as not too expensive. Also not sure what a nanny would do that is different from an au pair.

hmm. read, she's scared of not being able to find another job because her English is crap, perhaps. (Have you checked to see if she is looking on Au Pair world?)

boyfriends washing is well out of order. Also is refusal to cook beans on toast. Also is sloping off during duty hours.

I would be looking for another one, at this point, I think. It is beginning to look as though she is "winning" the power struggle.

hello again

I have tried talking with AP who says she loves living with us and finds us very kind. This was at 9am this morning, Ap then got her coat on and went Christmas shopping, I didn't know what to say as I was going to my office and didn't have the time or to be honest the confidence to say that I pay her to help out with some light chores. In case I upset her!!! as for cooking, normally our previous ap's would prepare something as simple as beans on toast due to our daughter being on school dinners. Ap said she didn't feel comfortable with this idea. The other thing is, she has been bringing her boyfriends washing home to do...........I know I sound picky, but I really can't afford to employ someone who basicaly treats us so strangely.
I can't afford to let her go either..

hi artist, well, I confronted AP about what happened with DS2 and she turned bright red, denied that there had been any moving cars in the vicinity, and said she hadn't told me because "nothing happened". Uh huh. DS1 does not tend to be untruthful about these things, but I think just the fact that I'm not sure whether to believe my 4-year-old son or my 23-year-old au pair pretty much says it all.

Anyway, I've now arranged alternative (and hopefully more responsible...) childcare cover for the last two days of this week, when I have to work/will be taking DS1 to London to see the Nutcracker, and otherwise she's only going to be doing bits and pieces of helping out in the mornings, and then she's leaving next week (and I've now told her we don't need her after the weekend so she can leave earlier if she wants, and she's said she'll go to a friend's house).

So we are not going to be leaving on the best of terms, but at least I feel the DSs are safe. Clearly she was never going to tell me what had happened, and that just scares me, because what if DS2 (into everything at the moment) fell or got dropped on his head or something - I have no confidence she would even tell me.

Still thinking on what to do next, as far as childcare. Have interviewed some part-time nannies, but along with the cost, our issue seems to be that no one really wants to do part-time, and so we either have to find a share, which has its own issues, or risk having someone leave as soon as they find a full-time job instead. We need more than just school runs - at the moment I work 2 full days and 2 half days a week. We've been using nursery for DS2 in the afternoons on the days I work a full day, but the nursery isn't open the same hours in school hols, so it's always a palaver trying to arrange things. Also DS2 doesn't like it, but that's another story. Am also talking to a local student who could do one full day a week and seems great, and experienced...may try to combine that with au pair if all else fails.

hope you get things worked out a bit better with yours - have you considered trying to get a new one? Must say I don't think I could be doing with an AP bursting into tears on me or calling up my friends, but then, if she has a boyfriend now, maybe things will take a turn for the better?

BTW Mizzan - how did you get on with AP ?

With regards to Part time nanny Vs Au Pair I guess it depends on what you need help with. I have had both in the past, but for dropping off at play group and doing school picks up, with the odd hour sole charge I find AP usually the best solution. I have had more good experiences than bad! I was spoiled by a last long term AP, she wasn?t the most outgoing and naturally smiley, but she was 100% reliable very kind, capable and loads of common sense.

Our current AP, I would just describe as generally o.k., but very odd and not easy to talk to - a lot of things don?t come very natural to her, useless with the toddlers but o.k. with older children. Housework and Ironing no problems, but she still very slow and last week she suggested that she works too many hours. I gently explained to her that if she did far less than any other of our AP?s, and if she actually did anything less, then she wouldn?t be much help to me, and I wouldn?t feel the benefit of having an AP. AP then burst into tears (I felt really bad) saying it was her natural speed and doesn?t like to feel rushed, everything was resolved, I think!! DH finds her very irritating and a bit pathetic and believes the tears were just another manipulative tact to get her own way.

AP seems happier, she now has a BF!! and some friends of her own. BUT, she has still been ringing up some of my friends and neighbours (she has only meet on the odd occasion) inviting herself round for coffee and not really sure what I should think about this?? I suppose as long she is not inviting her self out with me or turning up on my evenings out ? which I couldn?t cope with, as I see too much of her as it is?.

Basbury ? Try and have a chat with your AP to find out the reasons why she not happy and see if you can work it, sometimes APs need a bit boost, ( or has she always been like this) tell her what she?s good at and then say ? I really need you to TRY and cook something for DD dinner and you can suggest something very simple, that she could hardly refuse to do it without sounding totally incapable and useless.

With regards to storing food in her room ? I would find that unacceptable, one of our AP use to do this, as soon as the weekly shop arrived, she would take a weeks supply of fruit and breakfast cereals, un open cartons of orange juice, and cream cheese.. I explained that all these items were not just for her but for the family and not to take to her room in future.

thanks - she will be able to go to English classes. I need to find out about costs, times etc.

oh, and does she go to English classes? Do you have free ones in your town?

hi,
just to give an outsiders perspective on what you posted:
ime, its great when APs clear off at weekends and leave you in privacy! Is she bankrupting herself with the fare to be with her bf though?
She has right to as much food as she can eat, within reason - Id only be concerned if she was smuggling food out to her bf wholesale. And even then, I would probably turn a blind eye for a bit if she is absent at weekends.

From the sound of it, she isnt v happy in your family either. Does she suspect that you arent happy with her?

I recently had an ap that was sulky. She wasnt actually v good with children, and it turned out that she thought I was judging her badly. Things improved a lot when I made it clear that I was happy and wanted her to stay (desperation, actually, but fortunately she didnt realise!)

What sort of things does she have to cook? Can she not even manage spag bog? fish fingers, oven chips and frozen peas? heating up something that you leave for her?

Hello

I am having a terrible time with my au pair. She spends her weekends at her boyfriend's place in Norwich and comes home and sulks all week until she sees him again. She is from Hungary and so is her boyfriend. She has been with us since July 06 and her English is really bad. She will not cook for our daughter and says she can not understand us when we try and talk to her. She steals food from the kitchen and hides it in her bedroom.
Has anyone else experienced similar problems ? We have au pairs for many years but not like this one.

1. how do I know if she is ok - ie safe & my girls will be safe with her
   Your personal instinct. Its a good idea to agree a fortnight's trial period, and that gives you an excuse to get rid of her if you dont like her.

2. do I have to pay a fee to aupair world (yes should have read the t&c's, but too much to take in)
   No, you just pay the membership fee.

3. do I have to pay for her English classes ?
   English classes are free in our area, so you shouldnt have to pay.

4. do we agree how much to pay ? She is 28, says she has the english of a 2-3 year old & has little experience with children. But is hardworking & keen to learn.
   Pay the minimum for the job you are describing, which is about 250 a month in UK, I think? It is a good deal, with board and lodging thrown in.

Hi, can I join please ? I have signed up with aupair-world & am currently talking to an aupair from Spain.

We are both new to this & wondered if I could get some advice.

1. how do I know if she is ok - ie safe & my girls will be safe with her

2. do I have to pay a fee to aupair world (yes should have read the t&c's, but too much to take in)

3. do I have to pay for her English classes ?

4. do we agree how much to pay ? She is 28, says she has the english of a 2-3 year old & has little experience with children. But is hardworking & keen to learn.

I like the look/sound of her, & I am a SAHM so just want an extra pair of hands whilst hubby is working away. Also want my 3.5 year old to get a grasp of the language.

Thanks !

How terrible for you MizZan. If I were you I would definitely not trust this au pair to do anything for the children. It's an unforgiveable error that simply should not have ever occurred as it was totally forseeable. Your DH is being very reasonable considering, I am with you on this one.

hi artist, thanks for the sympathy! sounds like your situation there with DS was bad too, I am sorry. I hope he'll recover quickly.

DH just came home and we had a big powwow about what to do. He informed me I could not just put her out on the street. His view is that accidents happen (!) but that it's inexcusable that she didn't tell us. My view is that, like you, there's no way I can trust her now with the kids. I'm in the midst of trying to arrange alternate childcare cover for some of next week and I'm basically going to make sure that I'm around and keeping a very close eye on things, and giving extremely explicit instructions, for those times when I have to work and need to use her for a few hours here and there.

And, I will confront her about it, as DH suggests, by just saying "Can you tell me what happened with DS2 outside the house yesterday when you were coming home." But since I think her primary interest is covering her own back, I doubt I'm going to hear the truth. Sadly, as long as she's living under our roof, we're only going to hurt ourselves and potentially put the kids at risk by having a huge confrontation with her. I'm going to try to encourage her to leave earlier than planned.

I'm now wondering if we should go with a part-time nanny rather than another au pair - I suspect we just got very very lucky with our first, wonderful AP, and maybe this girl is more the norm?

Oh no you must feel terrible, angry and very disappointed that she didn't tell you herself !!

As hard as it may seem, try to stay calm and ask about the incident as soon as you get the opportunit.

I would listen carefully and see what she has to say, I would ask her why ( the bloody hell) I she didn't tell you immediatley did not occur to her your poor children may be traumatised. I guess she didn't tell you because a) Selfish fear of being told off and not taking responsibility for her actions or b) She has little insight into the seriousness of the situation. Then tell her how irresponsible, dangerous how annoyed....

Do you still need her to pick up your children? Honestly, If it was me, I would have lost all confidence and trust in her. Not putting the brakes on the pushchair? and leaving a young child unattended?

Although this is not as serious our AP got a phone call from school yesterday requesting for someone to pick DS up as he was unwell. AP took him home, left him on the sofa watching a DVD shivering and drifting in and out of sleep no water, never thought to even called me. I got home 3 1/2 hours later to find him really unwell with a temp of 41c and eventually needing a doctor as he had developed an infection. I was also annoyed that the school did not call me and AP is not on their contact list.

Our AP is 30 and works with children.. no excuse

Lets us know how you get on,

Hi all - I need some impartial advice. We've had a major incident here with our au pair (who's due to leave in a week and a half anyway, by mutual agreement). Apparently on bringing DS1 home from school, she left DS2 in his pushchair at the bottom of our front steps, without the brake on, so she could go up the steps to unlock the front door. Our house fronts onto a small road and the steps are fairly high, so it's not like you can reach the pushchair from the top of the steps (where the front door is), to hold on to it.

She went up the steps with DS1 to unlock the door, and the pushchair, with DS2 in it, rolled off the pavement, into the road, and fell over, just as a car was reversing down the street. Thank GOD the car stopped and the woman got out to make sure he was ok, and he was.

The worst part of all this, is that the AP didn't even tell me. I just heard all of this from DS1. AP is out at her English course right now. DS1 said he was the one who alerted AP to what was happening - she wasn't even watching DS2. He also said the car was right next to where ds2 was, so it's not like it was halfway down the street or something. I feel sick just thinking about this.

I don't know what to do. Half of me wants to put her out on the street tonight.

MizZan - also totally agree about the laborious process of hunting for a suitable au pair...it's not easy. did you go for the girl that you wrote about in late November or did you find someone else?

Wow, the power of the internet or should i say mumsnet. yes her name is Olya! thanks for the good wishes, we're hoping all goes well between us too. am starting out with the view that we will treat her as i would hope someone would treat my DDs in the distant future if they decide to similar.

happynappy, I think you may have hired an AP we were talking to as well (the thing about Manchester at Christmas rang a bell...) - is her name Olya? She sounded very nice and competent, I really hope it works out for you. We've found a new one ourselves who we got to meet since she lives locally (with another family who she's leaving because she doesn't want to live in a small village any more), so we're keeping our fingers crossed. She got a rather lukewarm recommendation from the current host mum, but I'm hoping that's just down to a different set of expectations - time will tell. I could live without having to go hunt down another one three months from now, again.

I see both of your points, Sashycat and Bienchen, but I think on this occasion it's the host family. They've told me that they need her around in the festive period but don't want her there during those three days. She's had no choice about those days off. We've invited her to spend Christmas with us, which she's accepted and seemed incredibly surprised that we've asked her. Her room isn't ready yet otherwise we'd have asked her to start sooner, but it's being decorated at present. The guest room is a bit of multi function space so unsuited to use as an au pair's room. Anyway, we couldn't bear the thought of her being alone at Christmas (she said she was going to go to Manchester to have 'a look' by herself during those three days & doesn't know anyone there) but jumped at the chance to stay with us over Christmas.

Sashycat - or maybe I misunderstood something. What I meant to say is that I recommend a family discusses holidays early with the au pair, so that both sides can plan. What Happynappy wrote was "They've given her three days off (xmas eve, xmas day and boxing day) and made it clear she's not invited to stay for xmas but not enough time for her to go home to germany" - that's how I came to my conclusion.

I think I must have misunderstood something - I thought that aupairs got to choose their holiday too - I hear what you say about the family being less than charitable in not inviting the aupair to Christmas with them, but what about the other side of the story? Surely she had the choice to take more time and go home if she wished? Having just parted with a very manipulative young lady, I now find myself very cynical and always trying to see the story from both sides.

Happynappy - feel really sorry for this au pair. I think her current family is really mean. She is expected to be treated as a member of the member so should either be given off a week over Christmas (with plenty of time notice so that she can plan her trip) or be included in all Xmas activities of her family (dinners/presents/panto).

I never did a proper agreement with AP, just a list of terms and conditions, a schedule of work and a general description of life with our family. The t&c would have covered that she has to have medical certificate and police check, her wage, notice period and hours contracted to work. The schedule of work would describe her duties such as school run, clearing up DS room with his help (she is no servant!!), general tidying, cleaning bathrooms and ironing as and when needed. I also agreed two nights babysitting a week but did not always need them. Make sure you cover items such as use of phone (I got mine to ask for long distance calls and calls abroad but you can get cheap phone cards as well), use of internet, and who she can bring to the house (I generally liked to meet her friends). Only had problems with one girl in that department. The key is to have someone whose general philosophy is close to yours, ie if you love junk food and she's a health nut then you are not a good match even if she looks fab on paper! Unfortunately many families see AP's as cheap labour. I never saw it as such more like a grown up daughter or younger sister who happens to live with us for a while and on the whole we had lots of positive experiences.