The au pair 'employers' thread

Interesting views on Aupair?s- never really thought about a male Au pair. Our Au pair is leaving at the end of the week, and is being arkward and rude. I have managed to find an Au pair locally who needs a new family because her old one is moving out of the area. She was very highly recommended by her current family, and hopefully will start on a trial basis. At the moment she is lodging with a friend and very keen to spend time with my children after school for a few hours, BUT I am reluctant until current AP has gone, as she is deliberately causing an atmosphere and hanging around the house. I think this new AP is worth a try

I've had 7 au pairs, of whom only 1 was a disaster although one drove me nuts. After the first two (one good and the one who drove me nuts) I switched to male au pairs with great success. I have a ds and a dd, and the au pair's duties include lots of school runs and housework but the kids were older (dd 8 when we got our first boy) so needed less childcare.

I found the boys much easier to live with than the girls - didn't want to chat all the time, no pmt, no boyfriend troubles, didn't want to borrow my clothes, happy to go out and make their own social life. I think I handled them better too - found it easier to be direct with them, less pussy footing around.

All mine came from Eastern Europe, I was happiest with the ones from the Czeck Republic and Hungary.

Hi, reading this I just want to add that I've only had 1 bad experience and about 8 au pairs. I also find the process of finding one v. stressfull. The number of times they seem to disappear of the face of the earth is amazing.
Because I raise my 2 bilingually I always have Dutch or Belgian au pairs and I think they have a more realistic view of what life as an au pair entails. I have this feeling that girls from Eastern Europe often see au pairing as an easy way into the country.
Being an ex au pair myself, though, I would also like to say that I feel that maybe, just maybe, some of you are a bit too harsh on au pairs.

Have had four au pairs and liked only one of them - not very good odds is it?

Can't bear to go there again, so have given up my job to stay at home and do it all myself!

Think having au pairs is a minefield.

Hi cloudberry I?m quite relieved AP is leaving and having had two bad experiences in less than 4 months I?m reluctant to got though the whole process again. Although I have been trying to rationalize what has happened, in short, AP had started to display some odd behaviour and is in my opinion quite unstable and very manipulative ?but she has not gone yet !! I?m worried that she has not accepted that she is leaving, as I have seen no evidence of her looking for another job or making travel arrangements I have given her a deadline of the end of next week.
Having Au pairs is perfect of us ? when we had the right AP. I will only consider another AP if she comes highly recommended (verbal reference from UK family)and now just looking at alternative options

Oh artist, how awful for you, but what a relief for you to give her the boot at last . Your poor ds and what a nasty piece of work she sounds. Will you look for another ap? i seem to remember you really do need the help. Our new one is just incredible in comparison to the last one, a real diamond and very genuine with the children and in her whole attitude. I can't imagine why I put up with the last one for as long as I did as her attitude was appalling now I've got our new ap to compare her to. She is German and incredibly competent, efficient and absolutely able to use her initiative. I was told by my sister-in-law that she'd had very good experiences with German girls so am just passing it on to you. Good luck xx

I now take back every thing I said on Monday and I really regret on sticking to my decision and getting rid of AP ( my own fault). Au pair grabbed DS by the arm and dragged him down the hall way in a fit of anger, screaming at him yesterday. She never mentioned it until I asked her what DS had told me, and she said she was stressed and felt ill and DS was being difficult. I am soooo furious I knew she was irritation but shock at this. AP has also been discussing our personal business to our neighbours?..so she?s leaving by the end of next week.

Hi thanks for the wake up. Glad you both have new AP and going well. As you may be aware I asked AP to leave at Christmas as I couldn?t be arsed with confrontations and constant whinging and didn?t want to put up with an atmosphere in my home. After things had cooled down, a few days later, AP asked if we could have a chat she was very apologetic and said that perhaps she had been too quick to make remarks and now realizes that being and AP is best suited to someone younger and not someone like herself - as she put it ?higher maintenance? but now accepts this is how it is, and she likes the children very much?? and is really willing to make a bigger effort and would I reconsider letting her stay on after the New Year?
She really caught me at a weak festive moment, and I just interviewed what seemed like a very ?hyper, opinionated and you?re lucky to have me? sort girl? I relented and have agreed AP could stay until the first week in Feb and will see how it goes!!!( DH not happy about this)
So far, so good, massive effort with housework and children. This morning I never had to ask her to do anything, this is only day one, but at least I know she is capable and can do it.

hi cloudberry - thanks for waking us all up! glad things are going better with the new AP. We too have a new one who started two days ago. Very early days, but for the moment I can say she's far more pleasant and sociable than the last one, and at least offers to help from time to time, and seems into both the kids. On the less good side, she seems to expect to eat every meal with our family, even on weekends - I know she has a right to do this and I'd never say she couldn't, but our family time is so limited (DH works looooong hours and is never around during the week) that I can't say I'm thrilled. Our last two APs both disappeared the minute they were "off duty" from the very beginning, so this never even came up as an issue before. Still, early days. It was such a relief to see the back of the last one that I can only assume this one will be better. I am going to be drumming safety procedures into her head though...

Hi everyone. This thread seems to have gone to sleep so am giving it a wakeup nudge. I've been dropping in to read how everyone's getting on since we got rid of our last hopeless au pair about 7 weeks ago. Artist, longing to know how you're getting on. And Mizan too - I read about the pushchair incident absolutely aghast. Our new ap arrived on wednesday and oh my god what a difference from the last one. She's mature, interesting to have around, has struck up a great rapport with both dd and ds, is helpful, is just a pleasure to have around and most importantly dh thinks so too. He dislked the last one from the moment he picked her up from the bus station. I know it is early days but she's clearly in a different league. So that's me, and I'll keep you posted.

Hi. Surrey au apir wanted asap. Not sure if I'm posting in the right place. I am looking for an au pair to start January sometime. We are in Surrey. Have had au pairs before and know the drill! - Anyone know any who might be interested?

As a veteran au pair employer (8 au pairs in 2+ years)...

I pay my current au pair £97 a week (to stay below the NI parapet). We are just outside London, and the au pair travels in every wekekend and often during the week as well.

We think that she realises that she is very well paid. Our first aupair, we paid £60 a week (recommended by an agency) and this was a source of great resentment. I think most au pairs try to save a little money, and this is impossible on £60 a week in our area. Yes, they can do it if they never go out, but that's not the kind of au pair we want.

Right now, we are paying for an au pair plus, but DD is going to school full time in January. Technically, we need only an au pair classique, but we don't feel that we can cut our current au pair's hours, so we will run with it for as long as she is with us. We just need to decide how to reorganise her duties.

Hi mojo - glad I could help. Just to warn you (been bitten before) always, always follow up her references (by phone if possible). I always paid weekly in arrears.

oh good, I was worried in case she was a club stewardess

I have asked her for 2 x references.

What else do I need to do ? Oh I am terrified ...but excited at the prospect of order in my house !

mojomummy stewardess is the word used for flight attendant in some countries

OK, so weekly/monthly in arrears. (do you calculate it by paying £55 x 52 + 12?)

Our au-pair will have a bathroom, which will be used by DD1 & maybe guests.

How do I do the contract - do I give a months trial ? I have asked for a reference from the previous place she au-paired at & should I ask for a reference from her employers ? she is a stewardess (not sure what she stewards [hmmm] something for me to ask.

Thanks !

Another one here who does not pay in advance - why would you do this? If AP were demanding to be paid in advance, I'd be concerned. We pay weekly in arrears.

AP has shared use of bathroom with our DS1 (who is 5) and any guests who happen to be staying.

do not pay in advance! you are asking to get robbed.

I pay monthly, in arrears, but will advance a week at the end of the first week.

My au pairs do not have sole use of a bathroom. We only have one bathroom.

Hi, have been getting great advice from Mrs Recycle (thanks ) & have now got my eye on a couple of spanish au-pairs. Haven't quite worked out how many hours she should work or how much to pay.

What are the average hours au-pairs work ?( I am currently a SAHM on maternity leave with DD1 who is 3.5yrs & DD2 almost 5 months) and how much should I pay ? Do I pay monthly in advance or weekly ?

Thanks !

artist, oh my goodness. please, get a new one! this kind of attitude is not what you need from someone who's supposed to be living in your house and helping you out.

if it gives you any hope, our new one came to stay with us last night (she's now en route home to the Czech republic for 3 weeks), and while her English is bad, she seems lovely. The kids really liked her and it was such a pleasure for me to see a smiling happy face this morning and hear "Is there something I can do to help you?", in contrast with outgoing AP who is sullen, sulky and really can't be arsed to do anything unless I stand over her and demand it (not to mention the wee child safety issue that came up last week...).

So - there is hope! Find a new one. There are plenty of people looking at this time of year. It's a pain, but you can't go on like this. And for heaven's sake don't feel bad just because she has a boyfriend, if she's so keen on him she can go stay with him while she finds herself a new job that pays more in line with her expectations - certainly what you're offering her is absolutely standard for an AP, as she'll find out soon enough.

Artist67, she is being terribly unreasonable!! Get a new one.

I have finally reached the end of the road with AP.
I have paid her today for the week just gone, then AP remarked that I still owe her for evening babysitting!!!! (This is the first time ever that she has babysat for us).
I said ? we don?t pay extra for babysitting as per agreement, did you not read it? AP- said yes and fully understood it? and is outraged that she should not be paid for babysitting on a Saturday evening. I explained that it is clearly stated in our agreement two evenings babysitting ONE of which is a Saturday.
We pay her £60 a week for less than 25 hours a week, and TBH some weeks its 16 hours a week. We are also outside London, and it is the going rate in this area. We agreed prior to her arrival that we would pay her and extra £25 a week for looking after a toddler in the afternoons from 13.30 ? 17.00 twice a week and ONLY IF I think she is capable. After the first 5 weeks it was apparent she was not capable, she can?t even bath DS let alone have sole charge. It has not been an essential requirement so I have made alternative arrangements and now she wants to look after DS.

AP has said she can?t survive on £60 a week and has ran-out of her reserve fund and not using her credit cards any longer. AP said she needs to buy winter clothes and do some sight seeing. I said it?s not my problem and she should have thought about that before she arrived or perhaps get a part time job babysitting or cleaning, but her first loyalties is to us. AP is outraged at this (P- T jobs should come first) and has given me a list of her expenditures. I have said that from my observations she is very extravagant, spends loads is café?s, organic health shop (which I can?t afford) she didn?t like the mobile phone we gave her, so she bought a better one?..

I was so pissed off, I told AP that I can?t be arsed with all this hassle, and its better that she does not come back after Xmas and find another family AP is now DEVESTATED ( as she now as a BF) and has suggested that we try and works this out as she pointed out that she feels there has been a vast improvement with older kids and housework. not sure I even want to hear her out.

Am I missing something here??? Is this not a fair agreement ? BTW we pay her bus travel. Phone cards and fill the fridge with food specially for her

Basbury - There are loads of really nice AP girls/boys out there, plenty of choice. TBH I would be putting out feelers for another au-pair ASAP. I bet you she is looking for another job - 'Christmas shopping?' - or signing up with agencies for a new job? Bet you she dumps your family like a hot brick as soon as she finds another family.

In the meantime sit down with current AP and work out a timetable - she is paid for 5 hours a day (or whatever you have agreed), so you should write down when her 'work' starts and ends and what tasks she is expected to do on a daily basis.

You should also clarify house rules, i.e. no hoarding food in room and no boyfriends washing.

Good luck

Basbury, your AP is taking the piss. Ask her what she thinks her chores should be as an au pair - ie if she doesn't think she should make beans on toast, what might she do instead? Boyfriend's washing is way out of order, as is going out when she should be on duty.

There must be someone more suitable out there...