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Original poster

New nanny - am I being too harsh?

41 replies

Halojones2014 · 08/03/2015 15:14

Hello,

I need some advice on some issues with our new nanny.

DD1 has been in a nanny share with a good friend's daughter (both 3 in May) for the last year. The nanny is wonderful. I couldn't fault her and trust her completely with my daughter. However the share has sadly come to an end as both my friend and I now have 2 children each and this would be too much for our nanny. The nanny is staying with my friends family (very disappointing but I understand - she is very attached to my friends youngest who's just turned one and she's been with him since he was 4 weeks).

So I am one week into employing our own nanny for DD1 and DD2 (3 months). I am around most of the day (until she has settled in and I go back to work) but she has taken DD1 out to her usual playgroups in the morning and out on their own to the park in the afternoons. She is experienced, punctual and hard working. However, I'm not sure her approach to childcare fits with our family. She seems to easily lose patience with DD1, eg. over getting out of the door, meal times etc. and says things like "For goodness sake" and "just cheer up" in quite an exasperated/annoyed tone. She also doesn't sing / play games or seem to like DD1 that much. I'm thinking of letting her go but do you think this is too harsh? Can approach be learnt? Should I give it more time or cut my losses and start with the agency again?

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Blondeshavemorefun · 12/03/2015 21:36

sounds like she knew things werent right as well

sure the right nanny will appear x

Original poster
Halojones2014 · 12/03/2015 20:37

Thanks for all the responses. I let our nanny go this evening which was difficult but I think the right thing to do. I explained that our approaches are different and she immediately said, "I'm stricter and more old school," which sums things up really.

Fingers crossed my search for a replacement goes well...

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OVienna · 10/03/2015 22:43

She sounds jaded to me. Smacking comment would worry me.

Blondeshavemorefun · 10/03/2015 21:07

bunny so many couples move out of London once think about a family or start one. As I said green fields and walks to the pub in the country :) and fab train links

Weirdly enough it took my last perm family less time to travel to work from kent then when they lived in London - taxi to station and 22mins on fast train - tho most are 35 mins to CX - door to door in an hour compared to 1.5hrs + when they lived there

Original poster
Halojones2014 · 10/03/2015 21:00

This was in the early 80's Bunny so legal then. Pleased your outraged though, thank god things have changed...

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bunnyhipsdontlie · 10/03/2015 20:22

Are nurseries allowed to slap? Is it legal? I would be more than uncomfortable to work in a nursery where children are smacked and where staff is "cruel". I would report it to OFSTED I think to be honnest (although, I realise, you never know how you will react before you are in a situation).

Blonde, you are selling Kent so well, you make me want to move there Grin

Blondeshavemorefun · 10/03/2015 17:10

and agree sounds like sge used to slap kids at nursery with permission which is a def no no

also wonder why her last family didnt take her on after her probation ...... maybe worth a call to them you could be a new employer asking

Blondeshavemorefun · 10/03/2015 17:09

i would love someone to worship the ground i walk on sure you dont want to move to kent????

i know of a lovely nanny who may be seeking work maybe may time as her employers are moving up the road from me actually ................. tho she does have lots of tats and as noted on this thread some employers dont want that - mess me if you want to know more

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 10/03/2015 16:10

I think I have also interviewed your bouncer/nanny. How many people could fit that profile Grin She was great but didn't fit with us at the time. She pointed out that her training meant that she could spot someone dodgy in a public park a mile off which was an interesting point of the interview.

Your current nanny doesn't sound like an amazingly good fit. I suspect that she is a) quite task driven and routine focused and b) is finding it difficult to have you around, hence all the outings. If she's used to dealing with older children there's quite an adjustment heading back to the gruesome two's and terribly frustrating as to how long everything can take.

Personally, as a parent rather than a nanny 2yrs was a key point at which there needed to be plenty of fresh air for general good humour, eating and regular bedtimes. Roughness or brusque impatience would concern me though.

Original poster
Halojones2014 · 10/03/2015 15:30

You're right, GettingFiggy, the bouncer could have been a great choice! Grin

The smacking conversation was strange. The day before I had wondered if she would smack DD1 if things were going a bit wrong. It was the lack of patience which made me wonder. The next day, without prompting, she said that the first nursery she worked you were allowed to smack the children. I asked if she was expected to do it. She didn't give me a straight answer but did say that the nursery was quite cruel...

Eastmids- I can be flexible with hours 8 til 5 or shorter days could also work. Basically, I will bend over backwards for the right person and worship the ground they walk on until DD2 goes to school.

I think she does have to go. Ultimately, I'm just not feeling right about it. I am going to find a kind, loving, fun nanny who isn't sick every month and turns up on time aren't I? She also needs to be tidy and not let DD1, or DD2 for that matter, walk round covered in snot....

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GettingFiggyWithIt · 10/03/2015 03:23

I would also get a new one, sorry.
As an aside, a bouncer's set of skills in keeping calm, negotiating, firm but fair, conflict resolution and confrontation avoidance would make them a perfect candidate for dealing with kidsGrin

eastmidswarwicknightnanny · 10/03/2015 02:59

That salary is great and no wonder many newly qualified children nurse choose to nanny and not nurse :)

Perhaps have a longer recruitment period waiting out for better candidates, cannot believe agency isn't coming up with the "right" people for a job that's basics Mon-fri and pretty much"office hours".

Can you be more flexible with hours so could be 8-4 or 10-6 or is it fixed 9-5, would you consider nanny with own child for slightly lower rate.

Hope you find someone more suitable for your family

expatinscotland · 09/03/2015 22:51

Get rid.

Blondeshavemorefun · 09/03/2015 22:47

The fact you can be flexible whether 4/5 days and paying a good salary with lovely ages (baby and toddler) I honestly Can't see why you Havnt got lots of nannies applying via agencies :(

Least you have a quick exit from current nanny if you need IT - so maybe still search for nannies but see how the next few weeks go

What did she say about smacking? That's the bit that worries me :(

bunnyhipsdontlie · 09/03/2015 22:34

No, it's the going rate... Well. That is a mystery.Maybe you were just unlucky last time you were looking.

Original poster
Halojones2014 · 09/03/2015 21:49

Maybe? £10ph net. My previous nanny (the wonderful one) was on £10ph net and she felt that was the going rate. Just over £30k a year.

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bunnyhipsdontlie · 09/03/2015 21:41

Your first nanny sound horrid... Poor you.

I don't know why you don't have more good applicants, that sound like the job 90% of the nannies in London are looking for. Isn't the pay too low?

Karoleann · 09/03/2015 20:52

Any smacking conversation would ring alarm bells with me. I think its really important for a nanny to have similar ideals as you and your DH especially when it comes to things like discipline.

Original poster
Halojones2014 · 09/03/2015 20:08

She has a 6 week notice probation period and 1 week notice during this time so it's relatively easy for either of us to terminate the agreement at the moment.

Her references were great eg. "I'd employ her again in a heartbeat." Although her last job only lasted 3 months - the family didn't taken her on after her probation - the rest were all 3 years or longer.

My ideal candidate would work 5 days a week 9am until 6pm although we would be prepared to accept 4 days for the right person. I can also wait until June for the right person. I would like a kind, gentle, patient nanny with a good sense of fun and genuine love/like of young children. We need general nanny duties, eg, tidying up after DD's and keeping the kitchen tidy after cooking. I am rarely late and I think supportive and respectful of a nanny. Probably my worst aspect is that I'm very tidy and like my house left as found in the morning. Obviously sometimes this won't happen but I need someone who's naturally tidy. I had to clean up after my first nanny which drove me crazy. I also had to give her a pregnancy testing kit and she told me about the amount of drugs she'd taken on the weekend...

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Blondeshavemorefun · 09/03/2015 18:10

not sure what you think you wont get better

what are you looking for hours/days etc - just surprised more nannies in london arent jumping at your job

Blondeshavemorefun · 09/03/2015 18:09

what does it say in your contract about probation and notice - some have 4 weeks and a weeks notice - personallly ive never had probabtion in my contract but maybe you have

you dont sound convinced :( assume you checked refs, were they good/positive?

Original poster
Halojones2014 · 09/03/2015 15:54

Point taken bunny but she's only 2 and is pretty affectionate. There's not that much not to like at 2 surely?! But I agree a true bond obviously takes time.

The nanny does like to colour in at the table with DD and DD does like to focus on one thing for a while so that works. She hasn't come up with many other games, physical or otherwise, although she does like to go out as she says it seems like a long day if they are in the house all the time which I understand.

I think it could work but I don't think it will be great. I also worry how she will cope with both girls when I start working again. So she's certainly not terrible but the lack of energy and patience makes me worry in the longer term. But at the same time I'm not convinced that I will get anyone better.

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bunnyhipsdontlie · 09/03/2015 14:55

Hello, I don't know if that will help but here is my opinion Wink. You don't always LOVE the children from week one of work (or even just like them). Especially with older children who are used to another nanny. And the child doesn't always like us from the start. Sometimes the bond takes some weeks/months to be created.

regarding the smacking/not playing on the floor, that is another issue. She obviously can't smack your child and she might not be a good fit for you if physical playing is important to you. Does she read a lot/ make a lot of crafty things at the table instead?

If you really feel that it's not going to work, listen to yourself and find a new nanny Asap so your daughter doesn't get too attached

Original poster
Halojones2014 · 09/03/2015 14:44

Hello Florence - thanks for your message. I'm very pro older nannies. My last nanny was in her late forties and she was excellent.

I'm still confused about what to do. I thought I had decided but I'm still going around in circles. DD1 seems happy to go out alone with her and she is good at getting all the practicalities right but I can't quite shift this niggle. Arghh...

If I do decide to try again, I'll certainly try posting the wording of my ad on here and maybe Florence and Blondes can highlight where I'm going wrong...

OP posts:
FlorenceMattell · 09/03/2015 12:41

Hi
I'm a nanny in my 50s and I get down on the floor to play, sing silly songs etc. Part of the reason I choose to be a nanny is so I get to have fun playing I'm just as fit as in my 20s , cycle , swim and walk regularly.
So please don't discount all older nannies.
I agree with other posters a nanny who is similar to you in views, is the best fit.
I would worry re you mentioning smacking ?? physical punishment is never acceptable as a nanny.
Would it help to post the wording of your ad on here so others can help find out why you are getting so few applicants?
What a nuisance having to search again , but I think you are right to trust your instinct.