Au Pair ok with kids but driving me insane

I think you are not really cut out to have another adult in your home really. You see her as a child and that really isn't going to work out.

No, the OP is not cut out to have this adult living in her home. She has had previous au pairs, and it's been fine.

It's a basic incompatibility issue, which is perfectly OK. We don't all get on with everyone, let alone tolerate every personality in our own home.

Great news. No not we are not all compatible and as you had said that this was the first au pair that you had felt this way about, I was sure a change would be good for everyone.

When living and working in someone's home it is a strange situation as you're not technically family but neither are you a guest. An au pair shouldn't have to be on her best behaviour all the time but she should be respectful towards her hosts, courteous and abide by house rules (regardless of whether or not some MNers find them odd!)

The things the OP has qualms with should be common sense, IMO but there may be cultural differences that mean they're not so obvious to the AP. She either needs to be explicitly told to stop or perhaps helped find another family.

I find some of your list a bit weird tbh. She isn't one of your children so you cannot expect her to know what you think is good manners. I also don't think you can expect her to behave like one of your kids. She is essentially living with you and working to earn her keep. Yes, she is meant to take part in meal times and general family life but she shouldn't have to feel she must be on her best behaviour when around the family. The head phones thing is simply bizarre. How can it hurt you that she listens to music downstairs?? I think you are not really cut out to have another adult in your home really. You see her as a child and that really isn't going to work out.

Could she transfer to another family in the UK? I think it is perfectly reasonable to say that as people living in the same house, you are incompatible, but you can recommend her skills looking after the children.

My first au pair used to skype or watch films in our kitchen and shut the door! She was otherwise very good but I stupidly got past the point when I felt I could tell her this was not on. I obviously used to go and do whatever I would otherwise do, propping the door open as I went but she carried on doing it.

With the next one I mentioned at the beginning that if she wanted to be downstairs and skype or similar that she could do it in the front room which we don't use a lot. She never did though.

Re the front seat, I'm glad this has been clarified as I have felt guilty about not inviting au pairs to sit in the front. DH usually drives and I am really carsick so it is a big deal for me to invite someone else to go in front. But it is not that much fun sitting in between the baby seat and DD's booster so I wasn't sure if I was being mean. However I am talking about family days out when au pair is invited but not obliged to come so I hoped this was OK.

:) :) have you got my last AP?

We terminated her contract - since then, I can breath again. My heartburn is getting better, and I don't dread the time spent at home anymore...

We did have a chat last Dec, and things did not improve, so I simply told her that things were not working out, and that her contract would terminate 2 weeks on. Followed 2 very odd weeks, but still worth going through the trauma.

good luck

'Senior adults sit in the front of cars. Unless it isn't their car, then they sit in the back. Unless they're elderly, disabled or in any other way in higher need. But they need to wait until the front seat is offered'.

That will never fit on a bumper sticker . You need something more catchy.

See annie in that case I'd say the owners of the car are senior in priority but if you are elderly or disabled or in any other way in higher need then the car owners should offer. But you wait to have the front offered, you don't presume.

I'm an adult, and quite an old one, but if I'm in someone else's car, will give the people who own the car (inc the driver's spouse) priority for the front seat unless I am invited otherwise. It's basic manners.

So it's 'senior adults sit in the front of cars' that is the social convention.

Wonder if you can get that on a bumper sticker?

sounds like you've got someone else's spoiled teen there. All these things are 'treat house like hotel'.

tell it like it is, and if she won't change, she's going home.

Sure they are, but they aren't the senior adults.

'Adults sit in the front of cars! That's a fairly basic social convention'

Au pairs are generally adults.

Adults sit in the front of cars! That's a fairly basic social convention. Maybe not in the country she is from however.
I can see why you are being driven crazy. It's not a problem to ask her nicely to do this or that - but when it's constant and such bleeding obvious stuff it can drive you crazy.

I can understand why she is driving you nuts but both you and your DH seriously need to think about why you can't have a difficult conversation with her about her lack of consideration and most importantly, giving good example to your kids.

Ultimately she is good with the kids and presumably then a good au pair. How are old are they - chopping and changing au pairs to simply avoid an awkward conversation seems bonkers to me.

Personally, I'd have bathed the kids in "her" bathroom which would have made the point though a bit childish

Some people get car sick in the back btw

I'm confused as to why she should know she should sit in the back of the car? OP, most of the things you are complaining about are failry minor personality differences. DO what your husband says if you are sure you can't make it work. BUt I'd try a little longer to gently change things. You have someone your children like and that should be worth quite a bit.

You're supposed to treat the aupair like family col12345. Maybe one day if your children go away to another country when young you will understand and hope the family aren't so shitty about them.

God forbid anyone want to spend time with you.

I agree that the best policy is to let her go, especially if there's even more you're trying to ignore! I think your idea is the kindest way to do it.

She does sound like a typical teenager, though

Your house your rule. But no headphones in family rooms is unreasonable I think.

It's your home, you don't have to apologise for how you feel. I would find this very difficult. What's important is that you and your family are happy and comfortable in your own house. Either try to fix it or execute your plan to send her (kindly) off.

If you can hear what she's listening to then yes, it's unreasonable. If she's keeping it quiet and personal, then it's fine. IMO.