i think my au pair smacked my son

You say she is nice but she doesn't sound nice to me.

Smacking a charge is surely instant dismissal and it is her problem how she gets home.

Maybe you're not the only one having 'a rough time.'

I note that while your son is 'a superstar and lots of fun to hang out with' he comes after the husband, the college course and the dogs in the list.

While the au pair/employer relationship one can often be difficult you don't seem to have put a lot of advanced, detailed thought as an employer into how to get a set up a legal reasonable and mutually agreeable arrangement in place.

So while things can - and do - go wrong for all sorts of reasons at all sorts of stages, it's hardly surprising that your au pair is not happy.

Perhaps she, quite literally, has been given a shit job?

I also think there are different issue at play here.

1 - you do not like/trust her and suspect her of harming your child. Therefore, you cannot continue to leave him in her care, therefore she needs to go. Decency would suggest you give her fair notice and pay but you do not have to keep her.

2 - au pairs are not nannies. There is a real difference in what you can expect from them and what they can expect from you. 25 hours is a lot - do you pay nmw? Do you pay tax and insurance? Are you sponsoring her or paying for her study etc. there is absolutely no way I would employ a young, non qualified or Ofsted registered, non contracted au pair to take sole care of my toddler. I would think that you would be better off in many ways to use a nursery/cm/nanny an then you can use tax credits or vouchers etc as they will be Ofsted registered and you will be able to trust them.

I can't imagine how hard it is having the worry of DH being away and this, but maintains the status quo will nt help. Good luck.

Dear Tori, please don't get involved in defending yourself against other posters' opinions or, indeed, against your au pair. You hired her. It's not working for you, so you fire her. If the visa exception is true, you've a ready-made excuse but, come what may, you don't need an excuse. It's not working out for you. Simple.

As a decent human being, you would try to find her another place or facilitate her early return. You do not have to do this and you certainly don't have to leave your son in the care of a person whose disciplinary ideas are different from your own.

I was an au pair and then a nanny for several years before I ended working at a childcare center (years and years ago before changing careers). I've met a lot of different au pairs, nannies, and families. There's lots of different types of au pair jobs out there, some are appropriate and some are not. From what OP tells us I don't think her expectations are unreasonable, 2 1/2 days work and some dog walking.

OP there's two separate issues here. First of all you need to establish did she smack your son or not. If she did it's a no-brainer, she needs to leave. The second issue is that there seems to be a lack of communication. If she's a US citizen (presuming she doesn't have dual citizenship) she's working illegally. I know that you have had au pairs in the past but moving forward you need to be really clear what the work involves and what your expectations are. I also think that if you have an au pair or nanny if you take them out with the family you pay for their expenses, and chalk it down to just another au pair related expense . It's not reasonable to expect someone to work extra because you took them out for lunch etc. I would suggest being clear about working hours and if you need an au pair to be flexible repay them with time off. Most au pairs are expected to babysit a couple of times a week and I would write that in your next contract. That way you can go shopping/for a run/out on a night the au pair's babysitting.

Next time make sure you do your research about car insurance- this is something you should have been aware of before even offering her the job.

If it was me at this point I would cut my losses and ask her to leave. Hope it works out for you.

I had a lovely 22 year old au pair who spoke good English and I felt entirely confident leaving her with my 2 and 4 year old for a few hours here and there, or for an evening. She was kind, sweet and very competent and my children adored her. Somebody else I know had a fully-qualified nanny who they ditched after their housekeeper saw the nanny smacking their three-year-old daughter. It seems that it's just about finding the right person at the right time.

You'd be surprised how many aupairs have very good English. I only hire those that do. You can also find those with some childcare experience, either in a previous aupair stint or with extended family.

I agree with Agony that the quality of nannies can vary as much as that of aupairs. You would have thought that if you paid top whack for a nanny you would get bang for your buck. Sadly, like aupairs, nannies come in different shapes and sizes.

I keep quite a close watch on my new aupairs. Because they live with you, you can generally get a feel for whether it will work out within the first week. By the 3rd week, you would have a good idea. I would start performance managing at that point, with a view to moving on if there is no immediate improvement. I do this until I am reasonably happy with the aupair, be it the current or a new one. There is no reason to stick it out with a sub-par aupair and certainly not one who you think has physically struck your son. They can easily find another family.

Who said anything about a foreign-speaking, inexperienced teenager?

And I'd have my lovely, experienced, qualified nanny over a teenager, who (generally) doesn't speak fluent English and has absolutely no experience if being responsible for a small child in a foreign country. Horses for courses and all

Hunch. Not bunch ;)

Maybe, maybe not. Unless we know the exact details of every set up, it's impossible to make assumptions and judge.
I've known friends who have had qualified, experienced nannies who have glowing references who've heard from neighbours that their young child has been left outside in their buggy for over half an hour, crying, a nanny who smacked, multiple nannies who are lazy and who only take their charge to groups where their nanny friend go, who take their charge to their house to feed their dogs without asking parents (Rottweilers). You couldn't make this stuff up! I've had a number of nightmares with au pairs. Just saying that nannies aren't always ideal alternative. It takes luck and perseverance to find the right and lovely person, whether they're an ap or a nanny.
But, and sorry to have digressed OP, if I had a hunch that my ap had smacked my child (whether in sole charge or not), I'd be looking for a new ap. Some things are just a big fat NO. Trust your bunch or you'll never be able to relax knowing she's with him.

A lovely cheap au pair to "help" with very young children is a little different to 2.5 days of sole charge.

There are hundreds of families with very young children who have lovely au pairs to help with looking after their under 4s. Every set up is different.
I'd have the few wonderful au pairs I've had any day over some of the expensive nannies friends of mine have employed and been unhappy with.

There's no law, but generally people with 2-4 year olds don't choose young unqualified, inexperienced foreigners on short term contracts to look after them.

Obviously some au pairs might be 25 year old kindergarten teachers with loads of experience and more than capable, but most are suited to wraparound for school age children who require little care.

My experience and view is similar to Blueshoes.

... and if aupairs weren't suitable to help when a child is potty training, then no one with children aged 2-4 would have them. Oh, I forget... there's also the 'law' that states that no one's allowed an au pair to care for an under two year old.
Tripe.
And please don't quote Real Laws at me.

I hear you OP. Sorry to post and run but life is busy. I just wanted to offer support though. Why do some people insist on hammering anybody who has an au pair

From one navy wife to another I can see why AP's are a good solution but you have to get the right person and 2.5 days really is too much for most to cope with, especially when it's a frustrating stage like potty training. Either way you do need to get rid and I think you know that. I hope your new AP works out better but in the interim a childminder might be a better solution.

I learned the hard way in the past that keeping the wrong au pair is a mistake. I did so.

Looking back, I was trying too hard to be fair as I saw it. But your child only has one mum.

If your instinct is that it isn't working out, and it does look that way, get rid.

Also, I think it is a bad sign that you were persuaded to change your mind.

I've worked as an au pair and been treated like shit, but putting a child on the potty wouldn't bother me at all.

Being expected to walk two dogs and look after a toddler would have bothered me because, at the time, I wasn't experienced enough.

If you are in the UK, then the legal situation re American au pairs might get you off the hook as per getting rid of her.

It sounds as though the arrangement just hasn't worked - you have a lot on your plate and a nanny / CM might be more suitable.

As far as the possible smacking is concerned - I would be suspicious too, but it seems you can't prove anything.

Hope you get it sorted.

"She already has her flights book (she's from the States)"

As I understand it, USA citizens are not currently eligible to be an Au Pair in the UK.

Is she here as a tourist (no visa)? If so, she is working illegally (the USA is not part of the Youth Mobility Scheme) so I don't think you are going to need to discuss anything very much with her.

Just point out that it has come to your attention that, as a US citizen, she is not eligible to be an Au Pair in the UK and so your contract with her must end immediately, without notice.

Did she come to you via an agency? I can't imagine how they failed to pick up on this.

You are wrong, sorry. Unless she has previous experience with toddlers, potty training is stressful. As a parent, you do many things for your children that you cannot expect an unqualified young stranger to do. And btw, you have mentioned your son's name

Does she have much experience in looking after very young children? It's a lot to expect someone to do. If your finances aren't stretched I would look for a nanny or someone moving on from nursery work who has some experience and training in this area.

My aupair did wraparound care for ds when he was one. He was in ft nursery but she looked after him sole charge for one hour before he went to nursery and one hour after he came home. Should I be shot?

She was 19 and brilliant and I would absolutely trust her to potty train a nearly 3 year old boy.

I have had a 22 year old aupair who I had to ask to leave because she left the gas on and did not know the smell. I would not leave her with a dog.

It all depends on the girl. There are no hard or fast rules. Anyone can be shown how to potty train, even a first time mother, yes? I am surprised by these flowers that become aupairs who can do some things and apparently not others.

OP, I feel your pain. You do not have to justify her duties. You will be well rid of her. My philosophy with aupairs is if they are not working out, move them on quickly because it is so dependent on the girl and they rarely improve enough to turn into a keeper. Hopefully the next one will be better.

Also, I am not sure if you want an Au pair or a friend. Why taking her out so much, not firing her (when clearly, you think she smacks your son and the only way to keep her is to put in place a crazy system when you go back and forth to be her driver).

It's like you absolutelly need to be the nice one. Yes, you are very nice. But she is not good for your son and this is not a job for an au pair. Just tell her "Sorry, I don't need an Au pair anymore".

How long do you plan to keep her without needing/wanting her just because she might think you are not nice?