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Original poster

3 sets of grandparents with each doing a day a week's childcare - too much??

32 replies

MATB1 · 19/10/2014 06:49

My parents are divorced/remarried and live close by, and PIL are a very short drive away.

I'm on mat leave with DD2 and already overthinking childcare for when I return to work.

With DD1 I did 4 days pw with her in nursery two days and then with one set of GPs the other two days on a three week rotation. I think this worked ok but I it took DD1 a long time before she comfortably went to her GPs because I think there was quite a long break in between seeing each one (we didn't always manage to see them socially in between their week of having her). I also think they spoiled her a bit too much for the same reason.

I don't yet know what work will want me to do but I suspect it will be four days pw (I would prefer three). If I have to do four then it's likely DH will also do four days and so either way we'd need 3 days childcare for the two DDs who will then be 3.6 and 12 months. The GPs have all intimated they would be happy to do a day a week each. I'm not convinced it's ideal though - here's my pros and cons

Pros

  • time with people they love/love them
  • gives DD1 the opportunity to move on to preschool because the GPs could do the drop-offs and pick ups (whereas DH and I won't be able to due to our working hours/commute).
  • eliminates our childcare costs
  • potentially less 'spoiling' of DDs as they would see them more

Cons

  • I worry it would be too confusing and inconsistent to have a different care provider every day
  • it's a big commitment for the GPs who are all in their 60s and I worry about it being too much for them as well as the logistical issues of finding alternate childcare if one is ill.
  • DD2 'missing out' on nursery. I really think DD1 has learnt a lot from being at nursery and as DD2 is a July baby I'm keen for her to do the same in an attempt to minimize the supposed disadvantages of being a summer-born.
  • selfishly, I think we'd have less willing weekend babysitters if the GPs were doing a day a week rather than the two days every three weeks as before (not that we go out a lot!!!)

Anyway I know I'm at risk of overthinking this but it's woken me up at 6am in the morning needing to get this off my chest. If anyone has been in a similar situation I'd be keen to hear...

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Original poster
MATB1 · 22/10/2014 12:10

Thanks all. Some really good perspectives here.

As I say, they wouldn't have to stay put indoors at mine the whole day.

Overall it would be much cleaner to have a nanny/childminder/nursery... I found nursery the least stressful part of going back to work tbh.

But the GPs are very keen and we find having 3 sets difficult to juggle in our somewhat limited free time. So in a way, having them look after the DDs during the week means we are less obligated to see them of a weekend. I'm sure that sounds more callous than I mean it to be but it's hard seeing all of them equally and having time for ourselves.

I guess I need to see what work want me to do and go from there really.

If only I could stay home with my babies AND have a decent career.........

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Picklewickle · 21/10/2014 23:10

It depends very much on your parents, but we found having them come to us was just as stressful as us dropping at theirs. It was just a different set of stresses. I had to tidy up loads, buy food in for everyone's lunch, tea and snacks, check bread was 'nice' and fresh, everything had to be in the right place - bibs in the kitchen not the airing cupboard, pram in the hall not my car, enough nappies out because they didn't know the spare pack lived at the back of our wardrobe. They needed to know how to operate the heating - one day I found my mum sitting in her coat, but of course they didn't ring me or find the heating controller! So after that I had to remember to turn up the heating on days they were coming. It sounds petty written down but it added up and that was just with my mum!

Of course it's doable x3, and yours might well be easier than I found it, but it's not necessarily easy or convenient.

OutragedFromLeeds · 21/10/2014 21:03

I think the DC would probably be fine. I think it will be a complete nightmare from a logistical point of view though. It's just too many people. If the grandparents are all in couples then that's 8 different adults dealing with them each week, plus any nursery/pre-school staff.

If you can afford it I would just use a childminder or a nanny/nannyshare. DD1 can go to preschool, DD2 can get the head start with whatever it is you think she needs. It's one consistent caregiver. They can be looked after together (which I think is an advantage of having one at nursery and one somewhere else) and in a home environment. You've got the grandparents as back-up if the nanny/childminder is sick/on holiday. It would just be so much easier.

BackforGood · 20/10/2014 23:49

I think that them coming to your house, is a whole different kettle of fish from them looking after your dc in their houses.

I can see it would be easier for you, but ultimately it's each of them doing you the favour, not the other way round. It's more of a commitment for them to be at yours all day - can't put their meal on to cook or hang the washing out, etc., when they get the opportunity. I think that's a really big ask.
The more you say, the more I'd get the bulk of the week paid for and sorted at Nursery, and keep your family for the other things - like when you need to go to the dentist, and when you want to go out, or if they are off Nursery 'sick', or even if you aren't feeling well and want a break. They will all be chomping at the bit then, and really keen to help you out.

Original poster
MATB1 · 20/10/2014 19:12

I haven't discussed that with them yet so we'll see.

It's more that it was never a clean pick up or drop off. They'd always forget something at their houses or ask for DD1 to wear a particular pair of socks I shit you not or bring a particular book or DD1 would want to take her trike etc etc. Two sets of GPs were happy to buy nappies, one set wasn't. One set wanted snacks taken round there. One set drives a mini so getting the buggy in their car was a nightmare. So with two children I just think it would be easier all round if they are based out of our home. Sure the GPs can pop back to their houses with DDs if they want but I'd like them to primarily be at ours. The onus isn't then on me to remember the various combinations of equipment/food at each GPs house etc on top of everything else.

My childcare arrangements need to make my day easier, not harder and I'd like as much consistency as possible - which, with 3 sets of GPs is tricky in the first place. Ultimately I'll go with what we need rather than what does and doesn't suit them tbh. I know that sounds harsh and I'm very grateful for any help they can offer but it's only help if it helps if that makes sense. Would be great to eliminate childcare fees yes, but equally we are happy and able to pay for it if necessary.

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BobPatandIgglePiggle · 20/10/2014 18:32

Shit wording, sorry - are you sure your parents etc will want to be based at your house?

Just think - they raised you / your dp presumably without problems so they'll be fine. Ds is 2 and knows where he's going each day and goes to each happily

BobPatandIgglePiggle · 20/10/2014 18:29

My mum / mil definitely wouldn't want to have to be based at my house - are you sure yours are?

Original poster
MATB1 · 20/10/2014 17:50

There isn't a preschool room at nursery.

We went for a visit to preschool today and their view on multiple caregivers was that of they have good relationships with the grandparents anyway they shouldn't be phased.

So bloody hard knowing what's best to do...

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Notagainmun · 20/10/2014 16:09

I am a childminder and several of the children I have cared for come to me for two days a week and both grannies do one day each as mum only works four days. I see some of them on granny day at playground and they seem fine. They come over to me for a cuddle or say hello but understand from very little who is caregiver that particular day.

Picklewickle · 20/10/2014 11:49

Why would she prefer preschool to the preschool room of nursery? Mine went to both and they were just the same with different hours (and approaches, but that was down to the individual settings).

Original poster
MATB1 · 20/10/2014 09:02

I wonder if GPs doing Monday/Wednesday/Friday would be better, with either me or DH doing the Tuesday and Thursdays.

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Original poster
MATB1 · 20/10/2014 08:54

Wow thanks for all the replies.

I'd want them to be at our house yes, so that might help with consistency.

I'm not sure the three sets on rotation would work on a three day pw basis. DM still works part time (though for her own company so has flexibility) and MIL still works full time with Mondays and Tuesdays off plus every other weekend.

It is confusing and I spent much of the 18 months I was back at work doing spreadsheets for who had DD1 on what days and faffing around with them collecting and dropping off (often not on time Angry) so that's why with the two DDs I'd want it to be at my house.

I had considered childcare for the mornings and GPs for the afternoons... An extra complication is that if DD1 goes to preschool that starts at 9am and finishes at 12pm. Nursery for DD2 would start at 8am and finish at 1pm for a morning session. They are both only 5 mins walk from our house but in opposite directions. Plus, I think all three sets of GPs see looking after the DDs as a treat rather than as for childcare/help for us so I think I'll get some cats bum mouths and rolled eyes if they have to do all that running around.

The alternative to that would be for dd1 to stay at nursery and do 8-1 with DD2 and we just pay for the extra hours outside her funding. But - I think she'll prefer preschool over nursery at that point...

Gah. Such a palaver. Wish we could win the lottery!!

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Patienceisapparentlyavirtue · 20/10/2014 02:50

Will they all be at your place? That could be nice continuity. Like others here, I don't see it as such an issue especially if the pattern stays similar and as the care will be so one on one (vs the same turnover at a nursery).

ChippingInLatteLover · 20/10/2014 01:57

The thing with family childcare is that they can't just take a day off if they don't feel like doing it/want to visit friends/go on a holiday etc

Of course they can, they simply need to ring one of the other grandparents to see if they can cover - it's idea from that pov.

ChippingInLatteLover · 20/10/2014 01:55

There's no harm in giving it a go is there?

It's not uncommon for children to have a day with each set of granparents and a couple in nursery, so I don't see it's any different for the children.

It's your sanity I'd be most concerned about Grin

mimishimmi · 20/10/2014 01:27

It sounds complicated and confusing just reading it. The thing with family childcare is that they can't just take a day off if they don't feel like doing it/want to visit friends/go on a holiday etc. in essence, they become tied down by your work schedule and resentments can tend to build up, although in this case it's good that they have offered.

BackforGood · 20/10/2014 00:26

No - I'd agree with that - am AMAZED at so many of the over reactions to 'nothing' I read about on here, but that doesn't mean that 3 sets of Grandparents are all going to have the same 'boundaries' as each other. Now, that's fine when it's the odd 'treat day' with Grandparent ~ we all know it's part of a Grandparents job to spoil their grandchildren Smile but when they are doing a regular full day of childcare, then it's a slightly different thing.

We all obviously post from our own experiences - it works well in your family so you would therefore expect it to work in a lot of families.

I get called in to support when dc aren't coping, and I come across quite a few children that seem totally confused by just 3 different care givers, with different styles and expectations on 'their' days. It gives my my perspective - I don't see those scenarios that all work out well, as they don't call me in when everything is hunky-dory. Smile

BobPatandIgglePiggle · 20/10/2014 00:09

Tbh back although I see where you're coming from I think that in real life more people get on with their families and are able to just say 'don't give him chocolate today please and make sure he doesn't kick the dog' than on here.

My real life friends have good relationships with their families, see each other regularly and go on holiday together etc.

Only on mn do people hate their in laws and eestrict visits with relatives.

Sorry - turned in to a bit of a rant!

BackforGood · 20/10/2014 00:03

I'm glad it works for you Bob, but I think the differences in 'rules' or expectations could turn out to be very confusing, as a general rule.

Viviennemary · 20/10/2014 00:03

Quite a lot of people use a childminder or nursery in combination with a grandparent. So you have one extra change of carer compared to them. It's not ideal but since it is family I think it should be OK. And a variety of activities and carers might even be good for your DC's.

BobPatandIgglePiggle · 19/10/2014 23:56

Oops, and Fridays with me.

So 4 caregivers if you want to call us that but it's mainly family - they love him and love having him.

BobPatandIgglePiggle · 19/10/2014 23:54

Ds does 1 day with my parents, one with dp's parents and 2 days in nursery.

He loves it and it works really well forr us. If one set of gp are on holiday the other set double up.

I think your arrangement will be fine.

BackforGood · 19/10/2014 23:54

I think 5 different 'caregivers' over 5 days would be incredibly confusing for a child.
Obviously, don't know your financial situation - maybe 'needs must' - but I think that's a big 'ask' of the dc.

Starsaboveyou · 19/10/2014 23:50

My DS has 4 in a week (me 1 day, DH 1 day, his GM 2 days & his CM 1 day). He copes fine & has really flourished.

He is 2.6 now and can tell you which days of the week different people are looking after him. Apart from the day with his CM he is always at home which may help.

Why not set a trial period to try it for then change it later if it's not working? You will never know unless you try.

Picklewickle · 19/10/2014 23:36

DD was looked after by me, nursery, DH and my parents on weekdays, and me and DH jointly at the weekend. I had a big calendar on the wall with pics of each set with DD. From 11 months old, every night we would talk about who would look after her the next day, and move a marker to the next day's picture. Then we would look at the pic again in the morning and remind her. I think it helped. All in all it seemed to work. DH and my parents took it in turns so she never had all 4 of us in a week.

I think 3 sets of grandparents would be harder though, and the logistics could be a nightmare depending on their approach (and yours).

I disagree with them not spoiling them so much if they see them regularly. It'll mean 3 days a week of far too much chocolate and ice-cream IME! But that kind of thing is something you put aside or deal with, not a driver.

I think in your position I'd be considering 2 days of nursery and 1 day with grandparents, on rotation.