Nanny quit before starting because questions I asked her referee

Erm - I was just trying to be supportive to the person posting...

But since you mention it, said contract is something Au pair says she has signed with her agency. We haven't signed anything like this. This is why I asked for advice.

Wow. 2010 was two children, starting my own company, my husband nearly dying, taking over his company and moving house several times ago. No wonder I had forgotten. Not sure what you've been up to JubJubBird but you obviously have time to cross-reference ancient posts to knock people down. Hope that makes you happy!

Anal sex question was a joke. The asterisk links it (like a footnote) to a comment at the bottom saying it's a joke.

I don't understand the op's reference to anal sex or why the asterisk. Just seems bizarre to me.

Cat111 is this not you posting in 2010 then? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/959196-to-want-a-bit-of-space-before-my-mother-turns/AllOnOnePage

And is the bad response you're referring to the fact that PPs suggested you let your au pair serve her 2 weeks notice as stated in her contract?

No need to derail OPs thread with your flounce Cat, theres a specific place on MN where you can go to do that and br happily recieved. Best of luck

I agree with OutragedFromLeeds Cat111

Plus, you've been here since February and posted a few threads.

Checking an employees references is not an informal chat. That must be understood.

The rest of your post would be better suited to 'flouncer's corner' rather than nannies etc. You could repost or asked for it to be moved if you want to.

I think that as part of an informal chat all of this is pretty reasonable - whatever the legal side of things might be.

Off on a slight tangent... I had never used Mumsnet before. I then posted a question myself, then read this post. On the basis of the judgmental lambasting both this lady and I have received - and others for other posts -I won't be using it again.

Maybe the truth hurts but from what I have observed Mumsnet is populated by some very negative people who seem to take consistent pleasure in telling other people how dreadful and out of order they are. The same culprits are at it all the time. Maybe they are perfect but maybe they are just miserable people with nothing better to do.

No wonder women have such a tough time when there are some out there so keen to damn everybody else. In my experience Babycentre - which I have used before - is much nicer and more positive. Support each other ladies!

Sorry, OP, I think that you have been naïve and over informal, and in doing so strayed into some areas that really should not be asked in an employment context.

I think you could text her back and say you have thought about it and realise you did go over the line, and indeed into areas that legally you shouldn't have asked about, but that was because you saw her as becoming like part of the family, and having spoken to her referee you were still looking forward to working with her, and you are sorry you have upset her.

Sorry this has left you in a difficult position, OP - lesson hard learned!

No spotted the * bit but found the whole answer strange. Surely no one would be that insensitive.

It may be that Florence also didn't spot the * - the OP did not ask if the prospective nanny liked anal, but was making a joke.

Which part cant you believe to be genuine Florence?

Sorry can't believe this is a genuine reply from the OP. ??
OP has some one hacked your account.

The thing is, those are things you might discuss with a colleague or employee as you get to know them. They are not related to someone's employability.

By discussing them with a referee, you are highlighting them as aspects that YOU consider key to suitability. Sorry to say this, but if you think they are then you are not going to be a good employer and need to rethink your expectations.

I don't think the OP sounds strange, she has just misunderstood the boundaries of the nanny/boss relationship.

You are still hiring an employee to do a job, even though the job is childcare. You aren't adding someone to your family, so you don't need to know about their private life.

Oh dear, lessons learnt for next time. Think it's too late to build bridges with your intended nanny as the relationship will have been soured by the intrusive questioning

I was just about to post what LittleBairn has said.

OP, what questions were you asked at your interview for your job? Did your boss ask if you had a husband? What your religion was? How much wine did you drink?

This girl had a lucky escape I think. You sound rather strange

As a nanny my I would often take the advice of my references/ex bosses when choosing a new job. They knew me well and I often found their opinions insightful.
Once I was offered 3 jobs on the same day my ex boss, who was also a recruitment consultant, heavily favoured one family I took her advice and she was right it was the perfect family for me.

If a prospective employer were to ask questions about my private life then yes it would put me off. After all why would her BF ever come into contact with your DC, why would you need to know about him?
Think about how you would feel about if your boss was to ask personal questions about your DH and what you do outside of work?

Don't blame your nanny at all.. Glad for her that she found out how inappropriate you were

I would have done exactly the same in the nanny's position. I'm sure you didn't mean to be offensive but you really really were. Perhaps it's ignorance? Either way, you need to remember that as an employer you need to be professional in the questions you ask of a potential employee.

Asking what someone's boyfriend is is also making huge assumptions on them. What is she were gay, for example?

Oh dear. Yes you were massively out of order. I wouldn't work for you either if you'd asked those questions.

Also baffled that you'd ask 'whatever I like' because you are leaving your child with her- but presumably happy to invite her boyfriend in 'as part of the family' based on her current employers opinion on him.

as others have said, asking about her private life was something you should have asked nanny

i normally get asked if i have a partner/ married etc - apart from when dh died and agencies pre warned famillies as if they had asked in general chit chat about my husband i would have burst into tears!!

many nannies i know wouldnt dream of bf/hubby meeting the kids, so no need to know about him iyswim - unless pre arranged with mb/db

so yes you were out or order, and tbh the 'anal' sex joke wasnt funny

Oh dear. You way overstepped the mark, and some of what you asked is definitely borderline illegal, if not actually illegal.

This person is an employee, they're a nanny, you have to treat them as such, and that includes being professional when asking for references.

I wouldn't work for you if you'd asked those sort of questions.

What would you have done if the referee had said she was in a same sex relationship and didn't have a boyfriend, or had a boyfriend was planning to get married (and therefore have babies of her own, perhaps?) - way beyond what was acceptable questions.

You need to have a rethink before you interview anyone else and make sure you don't overstep the mark again, and the same when you ask for references.

Protected Characteristics are: age, disability, gender, gender reassignment; marriage or civil partnership status, pregnancy, maternity or parenthood status, race, religion/belief or lack thereof and sexual orientation.

No employment decision either before or during employment should be affected by any of these things except at the employees own request (e.g. an employee or potential employee might say "I'm a muslim and would prefer to have Fridays rather than Sundays off if that is possible") and so it is entirely inappropriate to ask any question probing what a potential employee's status is regarding any of these characteristics.

Oops sorry, just saw asterisk