Nanny quit before starting because questions I asked her referee

Realise that sounded sharp

With my first he went to nursery because I couldn't cope with the idea of a nanny. Once my second came along a nanny was the only practical solution. I used a reputable agency and they were very good at sending candidates they thought would fit. Yes it cost me but it gave me peace of mind that they had gone through a formal process and someone else was checking crb/references as well as me.

The solution is not to 'just find your nanny from googling a bit'. Go through an agency, FGS! That's how you know your nanny has been more thoroughly vetted, not by asking her referees totally inappropriate and illegal questions.

Yes, I second snowman's suggestion. Could a nursery or childminder be an option? Then you won't need to go through the recruitment process. Or use an agency?

I think you should look for alternative childcare - perhaps a nursery or childminder would suit you better.

machinemum I can guarantee you after that post that you'll never have a nanny for long most will leave you sharpish when to realise your attitude.
I had the misfortune of working for a woman like you, in 5 years she went through 16 nannies, due to insecurity her DC had server behavioural problems.

That's a really stupid post. You need to grow up a bit.

I'm speechless at that post.

Well, now you just look stupid.

Machine you're being ridiculous. None of your little joke (which I hilarious by the way ) would be uncovered by asking a former employer her religion and all about her boyfriend as part of getting references.

You need to look into how being employer actually works. I thin personally you'd be better of with nursery childcare rather than an employer/nanny relationship!

Can't scroll up - but I understood the context to be

Q: does she socialise
A: no - she's very religious

(So brought up by ex-employer).

It is ambiguous if 'socialise' referred to the nanny nightclubbing or to playdates with other DC.

I'm an accountant. My office has genuinely never met DH in 5 years. However, my DC know their nannys husband relatively well. He's sometimes joined them on trips out - and once gave them all a lift home when they got caught in he rain. In the case of a CM - their partner and any other children living with them would get vetted as part of registration.

'the interviewee mentioned she was religious first'

No, the referee said that. As an employer you need to remain within the law regardless of what the referee might say. Her religion isn't relevant. The correct response was to move on when the referee mentioned religion, not ask which religion she is.

If her referee heard you mentioning that you might need the nanny to stay over some nights, I can see how that might raise some alarm bells especially if they are religiously conservative (from whatever religion - not just Muslims). To be fair to the OP, the interviewee mentioned she was religious first and the OP just asked what religion in response to that, I don't see how that is offensive or inappropriate.

Oh good grief, was one flounce not enough for you?

MN is actually an amazingly supportive place for those who ask for it. I could weep over some of the touching threads that are happening on here tonight, honestly. But when you post asking for an opinion that's exsctly what you're going to get; an opinion. And no, cats, they're not all going to be the same opinions as yours.

I have no problem with the fact you suggested that OP was being 'pretty reasonable', but I do have a problem with the fact you derailled someone else's thread to whine about the fact people disagreed with you on yours.

Offer your 'support' all you want, but what you did was unnecessary.

Ah JubJub, I think you misunderstand. I wasn't asking for support. I was trying to support the lady posting in the first place - although obviously I was misguided

I would hang around on Mn more but I'm afraid I have limited time to listen to catty sniping and character assassination...

OP, look what's done is done and I'm sure you know now that employing someone is actually a fairly formal process in many ways. There are some rules that should be observed even if you would like to know various things.

If you're still reading, I'd like to make an off topic point which is that when you find your new nanny, it may help if you try to see yourself as an employer. You are not friends and you may sometimes need to ask them to do things differently or even have differences of opinion with them. That can be awkward if you're treating them like a mate.

This is not to say that a friendship can't develop over time and a real fondness with a nanny. But it's also the case that you can be completely different people and not personally hugely close but still think they're a fantastic nanny whom your children really love having around. I hope you don't think this is patronising - I'm just trying to say a little personal distance can make like easier for all concerned.

Love that I'm apparently a spy now .Anyway, I'm sure cat's gone off to get the support she needs, somewhere she can talk about the nasty MNetters and how horrid they all are .

Wolf do you mind sharing what line of work you're in? I'm just trying to imagine a professional setting where it's acceptable to ask about a prospective employees love life/relationships!

That was to Wolf btw.

You're free to disagree obviously, but you are wrong. There are laws that cover this. It's not a matter of opinion. You cannot as an employer quiz your future employees referees about their religion or their partner. You just can't.

It's not about a 'meaningful answer', it's about an unacceptable question. It doesn't matter whether the answer is 'her boyfriend is the greatest man who has ever lived' or 'he's a serial killer'. It's the question that is the problem.

the boyfriend question is totally irrelevant - do you take your partner to work? My nanny mentions her dh but there is no suggestion he would ever come to work with her. Firstly he's at work and secondly why would he? Only time it might be remotely relevant is if you were interviewing for a live in.

As for what she does in her spare time - again none of your business. this is something you could have gauged in her interview. if you thought she sounded like a hellraiser you would have that impression anyway.

the other parent brought up the religion so i don't think you did anything wrong there, although if you immediately said 'oh we're jewish' after she told you nanny is muslim, the referee may have taken that as you not being happy with it.

You have to remember that your nanny will be your employee and not your friend. That friendship may come through your working relationship through time but you need to approach it as the professional relationship it is.

Hmm - I disagree. The probing questions were asked of a former employer - not digging through personal friends.

Q: What's her boyfriend like
Only gets a meaningful answer if the previous employer had some opportunities to meet the chap. From which you can deduce if the boyfriend is likely to interface with your kids, and in what way.

Q: So she's religious
Only gets a meaningful answer if the religion impacted on her ability to do the job. Otherwise why would the previous employer have any view on her religion - other than easy-to-filter-out prejudices.

Judjud the spy

It's not helpful when it isn't true though and the OP wasn't being 'pretty reasonable'. That's not just opinion, it's the law. She crossed the line and the people telling her so are being helpful because hopefully she won't do it again. Being supportive is fine, but not when it means lying to someone. She needs a nanny and if she carries on the way she's going she isn't going to get one.

I agree with you that if you want 'awww babes that sucks' hand holding then netmums or babycentre are better. If you want actual advice, use mumsnet.

I think that telling somebody they are being 'pretty reasonable' is supportive... but maybe not on this forum!

cat anyone can search anyone stops trolls takes 30secs to put name in search and then can find out if 1st post/newly joined etc

slight hijack, but cat you were not seeming supportive and your words of not wanting to feed and water some poor teenager in a foreign country probably pissed a few off, we are supportive to those who post on here when they deserve it

back to op, yes you went over the line but i do like cadmuim red suggestion, text and say sorry