Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

Au pair conundrum

29 replies

Cat111 · 18/10/2014 00:38

We are on our second au pair. We had a successful time with our first who was a lovely Spanish girl, but she had to go back to university as she was only in the UK over summer. Several weeks ago our second arrived and it is fair to say that the experience has not been particularly successful. She is 19 and has never been away from home or had a boyfriend and is very childish. She is also lazy and very demanding. I feel like I have another child in the house - and not a very charming one at that - which was not my previous experience of having an au pair.

Then last night she came to us and said that she was not happy and wanted to leave. I think she may have been expecting us to beg her to stay but we agreed that we are not the right family for her –but said there might be a better match out there and it was worth another try through her agency. She said that she wanted to make a decision on whether to try to find another family or whether to go back to Germany and asked for a few days to make this decision. We said that this was fine and said we would support her in whatever decision she made and that we should just carry on as usual with her 'working' and us paying her - which she said she would do by Monday. All good. However tonight she came to us and asked for a lift to see a friend in a week's time. We had hoped that she might have left by then but she informed us that she was going to stay for two weeks as this was part of her contract. We have two small boys and since she has made the decision to go I do not want to confuse them by having her hanging around –and don't really feel like feeding and watering her when she provides us with very little help.

She came through an agency but the owner is on holiday at the moment so I cannot ask her for her advice. Does anybody else have any experience of a scenario like this - or what do you think? If needs be we can sit it out for another few weeks but I don't feel like being a taxi service for her in the meantime and under the circumstances I am not sure that requests like this are reasonable.

Cat

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
cheesecakemom · 30/10/2014 15:15

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster
Cat111 · 28/10/2014 23:00

@SuperFlyHigh - my regular childminder has worked for me for four years now, my previous au pair said she would have loved to have stayed had it not been for university and is still in regular contact (but obviously she is a doormat and I have cast an evil spell on her that extends all the way to Spain). I employ a team of people of all ages with many having worked for me for years. Yup, I'm a terrible employer Hmm

Of course I told her she was scheduled to do childcare. She had a clear timetable of hours. She also had an extensive job description before she accepted the role.

For the record, the au pair agency said they couldn't place the ap with another family as when they met her - as opposed to going on the recommendation of her agency - they found her too demanding and immature. They are not charging me their usual placement fee, even though I offered to pay as I feel they still did the legwork finding her even though it didn't work out.

Next time I will buy the right kind of teabags and it will all be fineGrin

OP posts:
SuperFlyHigh · 22/10/2014 16:59

Barbarian - the mother here just seems to state that the au pair in question is very spoiled and doesn't clean up after herself and the children.

It's only the OP's second au pair but she seems to have taken a dislike to the au pair (nothing wrong with that) based on assumptions of her character etc.

As I and a few other posters have stated I think it's due a breakdown in communication. I'm sure if she said to the au pair if you want a different meal (eg jacket potato, pasta, frankfurters etc) but you have to cook it yourself the AP would do this.

Au pair as some seem to forget here is "mother's help" not unpaid cleaner, childminder etc and there should be ime a list drawn up and proper talk on arrival so everyone knows the rules.

BarbarianMum · 22/10/2014 15:37

Wow I think the OP is getting an unfairly hard time on here. She sounds a complete pain. When I was an au pair I was probably a bit clueless (and didn't have a boyfriend either) but I helped clean, cook and looked after the children a fair bit. And I didn't expect someone to cook an extra meal if I didn't fancy what was on offer.

LIZS · 22/10/2014 13:58

Agree re teabags , she probably means Lipton Yellow Label which are hardly specialist but then I'm sure were it that important she would have gone to the supermarket and got them herself likewise chosen meals to suit herself. Things have clearly broken down between you . Focussing on the minor irritants may simply be an extension of basic communication issues and a personality clash. Have you agreed a date to leave ?

SuperFlyHigh · 22/10/2014 13:38

All you do re the tea bags is buy some extra ones with tags on - surely that won't break the bank?!

SuperFlyHigh · 22/10/2014 13:37

To be perfectly honest it sounds like a breakdown in communication.

I don't think have told her that she should clean after herself or the children. Do you have a cleaner too?

Hang on a sec thought she might be willing to do some childcare did you ask her or did you just set this on her? Would you want your DC to get the cold she had?

And there's nothing wrong with her other ways eg not being mature enough etc - and the food - words fail me - so she doesn't like what you're having FGS can you not ask her and plan round that?

You don't sound great as an employer unless you have an au pair who panders to your every need like the first one.

Original poster
Cat111 · 20/10/2014 15:54

No, she didn't clean after herself, or the children. On one of the early on days when I thought she might be willing to do some childcare - and had scheduled this with her - she announced that she had a cold so would not be able to look after the children all day. Thankfully a relative stepped in as I had a meeting that could not be avoided and my husband then took over. I'm going to let the agency lady make up her own mind though and hopefully she will find a suitable family for ap.

OP posts:
OhReallyDear · 20/10/2014 15:08

It's not so much the fact that you complain but the things you complain about. If you had said

  • She isn't cleaning after herself
  • She is not playing with the children

It would be fair enough. But

  • She never had a boyfriend
  • She is less mature than some 14 years old I know
  • She had to ask how to do tea...

WTF????

Blondeshavemorefun · 20/10/2014 14:44

How very nice of the agency lady

Never known that to happen. Ap to stay with them. Wonder if does for all aps that don't work out could need a huge house Wink

Glad she will be out of your hair :)

Original poster
Cat111 · 20/10/2014 14:28

Our au pair agency says the two week thing is nonsense. The lady who runs it is going to accommodate ap, get to know her and see if she can rehome her but she says that based on the correspondence she has received from the ap it will be difficult as she seems so demanding about what she wants. Sad that it hasn't worked out this time but glad the whole thing will soon be over.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cat111 · 19/10/2014 20:27

We really are trying to be kind. Tonight I made her a separate meal as she didn't like the meal we were having as a family, or the other meal I had prepared for tomorrow which I offered her. She doesn't like green salad and didn't want eggs so I put together some goat cheese and tomato pasta which she had said she would eat. Sigh...

OP posts:
OutragedFromLeeds · 19/10/2014 19:54

...or being homesick or having to live with and rely on someone who really doesn't like her.

I understand she's not very good and it's a pain, but the balance of power is so heavily tilted in your direction, you have to try and find it in yourself to be kind to her for the next two weeks (or pay her off). Two weeks isn't that long in the grand scheme of things.

Original poster
Cat111 · 19/10/2014 19:41

Point taken. But I work with lots of teenagers from the age of 14 up and she is way behind even the youngest in terms of her attitude to life. I guess they don't have a language barrier to contend with though, or living with a foreign family.

OP posts:
smashboxmashbox · 19/10/2014 18:46

She's barely out of her childhood and she's in a strange country with a language barrier - not all kids mature at the same rate - just you wait til your child is that age!

Original poster
Cat111 · 19/10/2014 18:46

My point is that she is not very worldly - which is why we are being very patient with her. This may be why I sound grumpy online.

I'm not sure that any of the people who have been slating me would relish having a demanding, critical, lazy spoilt person who they pay in their house... especially when they are supposed to be being helpful in return for board, food and pay. But maybe you're just nicer people than me!

OP posts:
smashboxmashbox · 19/10/2014 18:01

Why does it matter that she hasn't had a boyfriend?

And as for not feeding and watering her - well, words fail me.

Original poster
Cat111 · 19/10/2014 17:35

We didn't set the contract - apparently this is something she signed with her German agency. We haven't signed anything like this with our agency. I guess I need to wait to see what she would like to do and wait for our agency lady to come back from holiday and hopefully it will all be resolved soon.

OP posts:
LIZS · 19/10/2014 06:36

If it is 2 weeks' notice then you have to be prepared to provide accommodation as well as pay for that period since that is part of the package or compensate her. You don't have to give her lifts , find her a link to the relevant transport agency or B and B for her family. I don't think her requests are unreasonable, you don't have to comply, but had it been your previous AP would you perhaps have been more accommodating ?

SavoyCabbage · 19/10/2014 06:24

She probably doesn't know what she wants to do next, rather than she's refusing to tell you.

I would sit her down and say "I think you should have a fresh start with a new family and if you still decide being an au pair wnt for you, then you can go home". She needs advice as she's in a new situation and she's immature. It's a hard decision to make and she is probably looking for some guidance.

Then you can speak to the agency and they can help her with what is expected in her new role.

OutragedFromLeeds · 19/10/2014 03:06

Firstly, an au pair can't demand anything. They can ask, but the balance of power doesn't really enable them to 'demand' things. If you don't want to have her family to stay then say no. It's really not difficult.

If you want her out pay the 2 weeks and a flight. That's all you need to do. You can't complain about a contract that you gave her though. You wanted two weeks notice (I assume that's why it's in the contract?), you've got two weeks notice.

Original poster
Cat111 · 19/10/2014 00:11

We're happy to pay her for the two weeks. I think paying for a flight could be the way forward too –apart from the fact that she is refusing to tell us whether she wants to try to find another family in the UK or to go home to Germany. We have said we will support her in whatever decision she makes and carry on as normal until then, but I feel that she is dragging it out. She told us she wanted to leave on Thursday but says she will not be giving us her decision on what she wants to do beyond this until next week.

I just don't really want her around the house for another two weeks as she has done nothing since she arrived a few weeks ago –apart from go on about how crap everything British is. When she arrived she had to ask how to use a tea bag; apparently German ones are better as they have tags on them. Scooping it out with a tea spoon was quite beyond her… Within a week of coming to stay with us she also demanded that her parents and brother come to stay at our house less than a month after she had joined us.

She is a very spoilt, self-indulgent girl whose mother has done everything for her. We employ a lot of students and teenagers and we have 14 year olds waitressing for us who show considerably more maturity than this girl. Call me judgemental if you like, but if my children went to somebody else's house and behaved as she has I would be ashamed!

My regular childminder - who has looked after our children several days a week for four years - thinks she is dreadful and says she doesn't think she is responsible enough to look after the children (and not with a view to getting more hours!). Thankfully my husband and I are self-employed and at the moment can arrange our lives in a way that covers the childcare gaps, with help from regular childminder and Granny.

Just sad to have an experience like this after our lovely Spanish girl, who we are still have regular contact with and who calls us her British family.

OP posts:
OhReallyDear · 18/10/2014 20:43

Why is it your problem that she never had a boyfriend? You sound awful and judgemental, good for her that she decided to go.

If you have a contract with 2 weeks notice, you have to pay her until the end of the notice.

fluffymouse · 18/10/2014 19:50

As it clearly isn't working for you, the best solution would seem to pay her for her 2 weeks notice, and a flight home as you are clearly keen to move on.

Blondeshavemorefun · 18/10/2014 19:11

As others have said she is leaving in 2 weeks as her notice /contract says

So yes you need to feed and pay her - or pay her off and give her 48hrs to find somewhere