Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Unflip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Unflip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

nightmare with au pair and she has been here less than a week

86 replies

Fried · 26/08/2014 21:45

Please help me I just don't know what to do.

Au pair arrived on Wednesday evening. I collected her from the airport all fine. Let her rest on Thursday and Friday and paid her for the rest days. At the weekend I showed her around area and took her to Oxford Street and the Notting Hill carnival as she wanted to go.

She was meant to work today at 8 - 9 am but stayed in bed until 1 pm. She has not lifted a finger in 6 days. Tomorrow is her day off so she won't work then. We only see her when dinner is ready. She does not even put her plate in the dishwasher.

To be honest I just want her to leave. My children are fed up as we are wasting £100 per week on someone that does nothing and we can't really afford it.

Any ideas? I have asked her to get up. I sent her a detailed timetable before she accepted the job but now she is here she does nothing.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Original poster

Fried · 27/08/2014 10:19

She appeared today at 9 am as she is off out - her scheduled day off. She said she was sorry for yesterday but there was some sort of emergency at home. I have told her that from tomorrow she must keep to her timetable 100% or she will have to leave immediately. I said that from tomorrow at 7 am I expect her to do all the tasks she is paid to do and that I will not be doing anything as I am now working from home.

I can't prove it but I think my very forthright daughter has said something as she seemed to already know the score...

Unfortunately I do need an au pair at the moment as occasionally I have to be away overnight. She knows this but if I have to I will just have to pay for an overnight babysitter.

OP posts:

WanttogotoDisney · 27/08/2014 09:58

Wake her up now and say what you have to say. You do not have to respect her day off - she took that yesterday. Never again let someone else make you feel uncomfortable in your own home. I know how hard it is but you need to deal with this head on if only to set an example to your DC.

And if it was me I'd be flinging the dirty plate at her and telling her to deal with it.

And tonight, once she has gone, have a .

WanttogotoDisney · 27/08/2014 09:58

And if it was me I'd be flinging the dirty plate at her and telling her to deal with it.

And tonight, once she has gone, have a .

Gusthetheatrecat · 27/08/2014 09:39

Oh dear, you sound very fragile and down. This is NOT YOUR FAULT. Not. Not in any way. It sounds as if you have a perfect storm caused by a lazy au pair plus your reluctance to confront her. We've had one au pair, and I'd thought she would have a few days settling in, but she started busying herself around, clearing up, washing up, almost as soon as she arrived. I think it does sound like an au pair - or even a student lodger - could be a good solution for you. So don't despair! The right person is out there.

Lj8893 · 27/08/2014 09:25

IM sorry but you are allowing her to treat you like a mug.

also, i really don't understand why you need an au pair for a 15 and 16 year old!?!?! My mum was a student nurse when i was 15 and my brother was 13, we were fine when she was doing anti social shifts/studying. We all pitched in to clean and cook and didn't need any childcare!

LadyWithLapdog · 27/08/2014 08:38

I'm not a confrontational type, I would hate for something like this to happen to me. I know what I should do but I'd find it so difficult. Good luck, OP.

Floralnomad · 27/08/2014 08:17

Don't wait for her to 'appear' today ,wake her up now - she is really treating you like a mug . Where is she from?

PourquoiTuGachesTaVie · 27/08/2014 08:16

I can't see any need for an au pair for a 15 and 16 year old. I second getting a cleaner and would suggest a rota for everyone in the house to pitch in with cooking.

Longtalljosie · 27/08/2014 08:13

You poor love.

Look the gist of the advice you're getting is bang on (although probably a bit more shouty than you need at the moment). I totally get that you need this like a hole in the head. But it has to be dealt with so you will need to have the shape up or ship out conversation with her. And sod the scheduled day off. Say since she did no work yesterday, you've swapped it for yesterday and you expect to see a decent standard of work today. If she leaves, well - that's unfortunate. But just say to your ex it's bad luck and if he starts with the "it's all your fault" malarkey, tell him you're not responsible for other people's bad behaviour.

PotteringAlong · 27/08/2014 08:09

I can't get over the fact that she's in your home and you emailed her rather than talk to her...

elastamum · 27/08/2014 06:35

Hi Fried, I feel for you. I also ended up with a series of Au pairs after my husband left me. some were great, others not so good. Now my DC are teenagers, I have a housekeeper who does enough hours a week to cover my housework, ironing etc and picks the DC up from school if I am away with work. She costs about the same as your AP and doesn't live with us.

I think you need to just grit your teeth and get rid of the au pair asap, it wont get any better.

As regards your ex, remind yourself that you don't have to answer to him on anything. Would recommend you read 'Leaving him behind - how to cut the cord after the marriage ends'. It really helped me establish some space between me and my ex and move on.

Your DC sound lovely

FlorenceMattell · 27/08/2014 06:18

Hi Fried
You have had some good advice already on here. But I feel for you; the divorce has made you very fragile and I understand you not wanting any further conflict. Big hug sent, you will eventually get stronger.
I was a single parent many moons ago and had several au pairs. Some were very good some not so good. But generally it is exactly like having another child.
So you must tell her to go. Then advertise for local woman to come after teenagers home. Do some housework, cook tea and be a friend to them.
And re Ex, you haven't mucked up with au pair, she us lazy and you got rid.
And your children sound great btw

iK8 · 27/08/2014 00:44

Do you really need an au pair for a 15 and 16 year old?

Get a cleaner and a regular order from Cook so you can stock the freezer with food you'd choose to eat. Sorted.

If it's company you're after how about renting a room to a student? They pay you and you can vet them yourself. They also have almost no rights as a lodger unlike an au pair or employee. They also tend to go home in the holidays when your own student will be home.

Beahun · 27/08/2014 00:41

Hi Fried,I was an au-pair for 5 years and I know how these things are going.If as you said her English is excellent then I don't understand why she didn't started her work today.You have to talk to her.Give her a day and if she is not pulling her weight just pack her bag and kick her out!She is not a child,so she can take care of herself!Also,don't worry about your ex as you didn't make this a mess-she did!!Any questions let me know!

Original poster

Fried · 27/08/2014 00:41

She was already asleep by 10 pm and she is not working tomorrow. I will talk to her when she appears for her evening meal tomorrow. Also, I wanted a written record of what she had not done so she cannot pretend she does not understand tomorrow. I sent her a timetable of what I expected her to do a while back before I offered her the job and she replied in the email that it was all fine...

OP posts:

grandmainmypocket · 27/08/2014 00:36

Sometimes when you have had to fight so much in life, the last thing you want to do is fight with an au pair too.

She's not going to get better OP. Your better rid of her now rather than down the line. Good luck.

Original poster

Fried · 27/08/2014 00:34

I think you are both right. I feel like a fool. I just wanted an older sister type for them. I am going to ask her to leave tomorrow. She can have two unpaid weeks to get ready to go if she needs it. I have just been downstairs and the lazy girl did not even put her plate in the dishwasher just left it in the sink. She was meant to cook and clear up tonight. Instead it has been left for me to do it all. My teenagers are good but not that good.

Even if she attempted to turn this around I don't think my teenagers would ever respect her after this. They are well aware of all the effort I went to to spell out the role in great details as they were involved right through the process.

OP posts:

Floralnomad · 27/08/2014 00:29

Sounds like you have adopted yourself a 26 yr old ! At 15 &16 your DC should be perfectly ok on their own , the AP probably thinks you are a bit barmy ( sorry ) .

allisgood1 · 27/08/2014 00:23

You emailed her?! Presumably she is in your home, yes? Why did you not go knock on her door and talk to her?! For the love of god man up and deal with this sensibly. Sorry if that's harsh but seriously!!!

MrsSchadenfreude · 27/08/2014 00:15

I would get rid and get a cleaner. I wouldn't have any problem leaving teenagers of 15 and 16 on their own, even quite late into the evening. Is there any particular reason why you don't want to leave them?

AlpacaMyBags · 27/08/2014 00:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Fried · 27/08/2014 00:06

Just two children involved aged 15 and 16. 19 year old is home from university so is around for a few weeks.

I made it clear that it was just 10 hours a week and that it involved teenagers. It is ideal for someone who wants to study as plenty of free time.

I need someone here as I can work some anti-social hours and am now a single parent. The teenagers are well behaved but they are outraged at her laziness more so than I am.

I can understand that she may feel she has made a mistake but I cannot understand her not just saying so instead she wants the money but does not want to do anything. One thing I have noticed in all of this is how close my children are to each other. Maybe that is part of the problem but she does not make an effort when they clearly are....

I have taken her all around our area, to Oxford Street and Notting Hill Carnival. Bought Netflix for her.... I just wanted everyone to be happy after the last two years that have been dreadful.

OP posts:

Unexpected · 26/08/2014 23:56

How many children are involved here? Presumably the aupair is not here to look after the 16 year old? What exactly are her duties? If the role is more cooking and cleaning than childcare she may be realising that she has made a mistake. It can be difficult for aupairs to operate with so many adults around, some of whom are only a few years younger than she is. Having said that, presumably you made all this clear to her before she arrived.

It sounds like this aupair is not going to work out so I would honestly get rid now before she costs you any considerable money. Also, no aupair needs 10 days of handholding to get settled in. I think if you had taken a day or two, plus the weekend that would have ben absolutely ample time. Couldn't your 16/19 year old help with some of the showing around? Can't believe you felt it necessary to take her to Notting Hill for the carnival - you are too nice!

Lj8893 · 26/08/2014 23:24

Although it shouldn't be unusual for your 16 and 19 year olds to be cooking!!! I had left home at 19!!

Lj8893 · 26/08/2014 23:22

She sounds like shes taking the piss and probably because she feels she can get away with it. And shes right, so far she is getting away with it.

repeat to yourself "i am the boss"

Unflip

1 2 3 4