nightmare with au pair and she has been here less than a week

So glad to hear that things have improved and as you say, you can relax a little now that you have a back up plan.

That's brilliant :)

I am glad you feel you have enough back up that you aren't being held hostage by her.

I think 'ad hoc' nannies and a cleaner or housekeeper who will stay over or whatever will be a much better option for you going forward, it will also be very easy for you to find a nanny to do overnights because it's not as if they can't be on their own for a couple of hours in the early afternoon or morning - so it would be very easy for a nanny to work around her day job.

I still think you need to be careful that your DD doesn't see herself as 'Boss of the Au Pair' (or the cleaner or the nanny or the housekeeper) she's not and if she is coming across that way then it isn't going to work out with anyone you employ. Irrespective of their age or title, you employ them to mind her, they are in a position of authority over her, not the other way around.

You said My daughter could run a household now as she is so organised and hard working so then you need to question what sort of help you actually need in the house and make sure everyone's position, responsibility and authority is well understood.

You cannot have your DD 'having a word' with anyone, then expecting that anyone being able to lay down the law with her when you are away. You need to accept that if you are going to allow your DD to have that kind of role in the home then the person you employ can't be responsible for your DD when you aren't there.

Sorry that's long winded, but it seems like you are heading into a period of having various forms of 'home help' and I think you need to think some of these things through to make your life easier - and whoever you hire to help.

Given the time you posted that message, you still aren't getting much sleep :( You need to get it sorted as best you can, you have a lot on your plate and being sleep deprived isn't going to help.

Look after yourself

What's the latest Fried? I hope things have improved hugely, or that she is long gone!

Fried - i really feel for you. I think you have been very understanding and too kind with your Au Pair, and unfortunately now she is walking all over you and taking the P. You were nice enough to give her the first few days as paid leave, and haven't insisted on making up her hours or questioned her actions over her 'family emergency'. If I was at work and had a family emergency I would have the courtesy and decency to let my line manager I wouldn't be able to work - before my starting time. It seems that she only apologised after she had a nudge from your daughter. She didn't even offer to make up her hours, or even tidy up after herself, which indicates she has the wrong attitude all round.

I have had many APs over the years, and have had some excellent advice from experienced host mumsnetters. I recommend the following:-

1. Get rid of her as soon as possible - I personally find this very hard because I am a wuss, but once they leave, my house and family and my personal well being feels SO MUCH BETTER. To date, I have never regretted a decision to fire them - simply that I didn't do it sooner. (I still hate having to do it though)

2. An AP with the right attitude will be bending over backwards to create a good impression in the first few weeks. (After all, if you started a new job, wouldn't you?). Anyone who doesn't has issues. Cut your losses, and get rid of this one

3. A bad AP will rarely - if at all get better. It is not worth trying to performance manage them, and as it is not their long term career, I doubt they care. I tried for 11 months to performance manage one AP. It was exhausting, and really not worth it. Although they may up their game for a few days, they invariably slip into their bad habits....

4. Start with tough rules. It is far easier to relax them afterwards, but much harder to become strict or impose new rules later. A strong start when they arrive also puts you in the position of setting your expectations and rules.

5. remember that there are many fantastic APs out there. If one doesn't work out, you will in time, find a great one. I have had some fantastic ones who we really do consider as part of the family, and we couldn't function without them. These APs would always offer to help - even on their days/hours off as they genuinely wanted to help out. I would be the one refusing their help and insisting they go back to bed or relax instead!

I agree with unexpected, that finding an AP who can look after your dc will be difficult due to their ages and the hours that you want - but it is not impossible. Perhaps you could consider other options too.

When I was a student I lodged with a family. It was a single mum and her daughter.
The mum worked in a different city and her work required overnight stays, but didn't want to move her daughter, who was 16 away from school and friends.
So she had first year students come and lodge with her. They were the 'adults' in the house as DD was mature enough to cope alone. It worked very well. There were clear ground rules and she only took in female students.

vital

don't feel bad - deep breath and tell her you're sorry, but it hasn't worked out
ignore ex totally
get eg Waitrose/M&S dinners to save hassle
get nice person to clean etc, tell them EXACTLY what you want done

A family emergency that required her to stay in bed until 1pm?

What, was she astrally projecting to a family meeting or something?

Have you posted about this before OP? Just rings a bell about the children's ages and an au-pair.

Why can't your 15/16 yo stay with your ex when you work away?

Oh and I fail to see how a family emergency meant she couldn't work (for one or two hours?) yesterday. How exactly was she helping the emergency by staying in her room thousands of miles away from her family?

Your situation is not really the typical aupair family set-up. Your children are older than the norm for starters and if you only require 10 hours of help per week that leaves a heck of a lot of time for an aupair to do something or nothing. Most aupairs are looking for positions with 20-25 hours of mostly childcare and some cleaning or general housekeeping involved. Many would not expect to, or be able to, cook a complete meal. Some, obviously, will be able to whip up three courses of gourmet food with no difficulty.

Given the slightly more unusual nature of your requirements, you were probably never going to be attractive to a lot of candidates. On the other hand you were always going to attract the small minority who just wanted a nice trip to another country and for someone else to pick up the tab for their extended sightseeing. I have found that once you deviate from the norm with aupairs, finding a good fit is always far more of a gamble. You've lost this one and you need to get rid of her - you also do not need to give her two unpaid weeks, presumably living in your house and eating your food, to sort herself out.

Moving on, I'm really not convinced that you need an aupair at all. Unless these 10 hours of care are in some really unusual combination, you could employ a good cleaner/housekeeper instead. For the occasional overnights, can your ex not help? The children are still his responsibility too! Otherwise, the idea of an overnight babysitter is a better one than having someone in your home permanently to cover these rare occasions.

But OP if she feels so bad about yesterday, shouldn't she then be proactive about working today? instead of taking the day off? she's 'aving you on.

aww OP I so feel for you. I am on the verge if splitting (ha!) and I know I would need an au pair- what a fucking nightmare

she either shapes up , or you boot her out. Give her a (small) chance and if you think damage is done, fire her

bless you

IT WILL GET EASIER

So she still got her day off today? She is taking the piss - it seems that she knows she is the one in control in this relationship. Has she done any work at all for you since she arrived?

This woman is taking the piss. If she had a family emergency yesterday then (a) she should have discussed it with you rather than staying in bed all morning and (b) offered to make up the hours today. Plus that hardly excuses her inability to locate the dishwasher.

Ask her to leave! Life is difficult enough without a freeloader on board. Quite honestly I think Au Pairs are more trouble than they are worth, can't bear the thought to be honest.

No doubt someone will come on to prove me wrong

I had read the ops post but must apologise as i missed that one.

although her 16 year old sounds perfectly mature enough to be left overnight on occasion with the 15 year old.

Lj8893 - if you had read the OP's posts you would have known the answer to that one :)

Just two children involved aged 15 and 16. 19 year old is home from university so is around for a few weeks

Do you really need overnight care? Isn't your 19 year old able to supervise overnight?

Could it be that your au pair doesn't see the need for her being there? Your dc are of an age where they can look, after their own needs and should be doing so. I agree with the poster who said you probably need a cleaner or housekeeper type person instead.

Given your 15 year old kicks off about going to get uniform that he needs, you probably do need an adult in the house. He doesn't sound mature enough to be left alone with his sister. But you need an adult.

I would get rid of little-miss-useless and find myself a 'house keeper/cleaner' who is happy to do the hours you need when it suits you, with the odd overnight. You will get the house cleaned properly, supervision when the kids need it and harmony.

Au Pairs are not for the faint of heart. They really aren't.

I don't know what you have been through with your ex, but it sounds awful and like he's completely eroded your self confidence. You need it back, you are a parent to three children - two teens still at home. You need to be in control. Do whatever you can to rebuild your strength and confidence - ok :)

By the way, your children should not be 'telling' the Au Pair anything. You have brought her into your home because you cannot trust your 15 & 16 year olds to be home on their own - how can you expect her to work in an environment where she has 3 bosses, two of them children??

Well done OP - You've tackled the issue. Now you need to keep on top of matters and follow through with your ultimatum of work or leave.

I strongly suggest that you reinforce your conversation with an Email to the AP confirming what has been said and the consequence of her breaking her contract (again).

Written records are always helpful if things turn into a full blown dispute involving who said what.