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Original poster

Child extremely upset at au pair leaving

33 replies

ThePoisonwoodBible · 19/08/2014 21:01

This year we hosted our first au pair. She was very good and became like part of our family. Our daughter became particularly close to her. The au pair left at the end of the academic year and our daughter was distraught. Three weeks have now passed and still our daughter cries herself to sleep most nights.

I am really concerned by my daughter's reaction. Has anyone else experienced similar? I now worry that our next au pair, who starts in September, will either be rejected or that my daughter will go through this attachment and loss each year which would be too cruel.

While it is great to have a good au pair who integrates into the family I am beginning to question whether it's a psychologically healthy form of childcare given most au pairs stay one academic year.

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Original poster
ThePoisonwoodBible · 20/08/2014 08:26

Thanks for all the replies.

DD is 7. She is not overly sensitive but she does have a tendency to fixate on people sometimes. She had a nanny for years before the AP and was fine about the nanny leaving. I think it was different with the AP as she lived with us and was like a sister to DD, always playing with her, watching films with her etc even when off duty.

Next time i will talk more about the AP leaving although we did mention it many times before.

The AP invited DD to fly out and see her in Oct half term. DD is incredibly excited and now I don't know whether to knock that on the head. Its a hard balance though as i don't want to further upset her or hurt the AP who I do care about too. I have just told DD we cannot Skype the AP today and she cried :-(.

OP posts:
Springcleanish · 20/08/2014 08:06

I think you're right, the contact is making it worse. My dd gets really homesick if she stays with gp, she's always much more tearful if she has daily contact than if we don't contact her at all. The contact just reminds her of feeling sad when we left and it becomes almost an instinctive response.

Floop · 20/08/2014 08:05

3 weeks is a long time for such an extreme reaction, but I suppose it's like grief. Sad

Does she know where the au pair has gone? To university perhaps? Could you talk to her about all the wonderful opportunities the au pair has now, and how we should be happy for her?

Is she usually very sensitive?

LIZS · 20/08/2014 08:00

How old is your dd ? Hopefully she will be less upset once a new ap starts . Can you involve her in the preparations and welcome ? She also needs to be weaned off the previous one as surely her life will move on and it might be doubly hard to feel abandoned again . Maybe start reducing contact once school starts and distracting her.

nannynoss · 20/08/2014 07:51

It could just be she didn't really 'get' that the au pair was leaving. I left a post after 3 years and one child regressed massively with bed wetting and the elder child said to the au pair that took over from me 'you have to stay as our nanny for 14 years!' - obviously she only stayed for one year and then another au pair started, and both kids are just used to it now. They knew I left because they were too old for a nanny but I didn't move too far away from them so invited them over for tea now and again.
I live quite far from them now though, and so do their previous au pairs, and they just send the odd postcard when they're thinking about us, but they take it very much in their stride now.
Not much help for right now but hopefully means your daughter won't be this upset every time?

Selks · 19/08/2014 23:11

Was your daughter helped to prepare emotionally for the au pair leaving? Bit late now, but for the next one, if your daughter attaches again, help her understand that it is a temporary thing and maybe use some concrete means to demonstrate how much longer the au pair will be with the family e.g.

  • count down in weeks marked off on a calendar until au pair leave date,
- maybe do a scrapbook with your DD, while the au pair is with, you of times DD shares with the au pair, with the idea that doing the scrap book is so that she has something to remember the fun times with the au pair when she goes etc ...in other words, prepare your DD from the very beginning for the ending. Then maybe let DD plan a special thing to celebrate the au pair leaving e.g make a special cake and have a goodbye tea party etc.
Original poster
ThePoisonwoodBible · 19/08/2014 22:55

Thanks Florence.

My daughter has Skyped the au pair, and written, they WhatsApp daily as well. At first I thought the contact was great as it showed her that the au pair still cared about her and will always be our friend but now I think the contact might be prolonging the agony.

I don't think anything else is bothering my daughter, she has a tendency to fixate on some people and she fixated on the au pair all year. I think she had a sort of girl crush! I have never heard of other children reacting like this but in a way it's not surprising after losing someone who lived with us, ate with us, came on trips with us and cared for the kids everyday.

OP posts:
FlorenceMattell · 19/08/2014 22:30

How sad, that must be very hard for you.
Are they able to stay in touch by Skype and sending cards. Maybe encourage your daughter to send a fun card and gift.
Hopefully she can learn that when people move on we don't always loose them.
But crying her self to sleep most nights - is worrying, are you sure that's there is nothing else bothering her?
Hope she feels happier soon.

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