Sacked the AP, atmosphere in house.

Just worked out it's 7 nannies if you include those two.

Can I add that twice I have hired people who have decided they can't be arsed to commute after signing a contract, one never started the job and left me in the lurch, and another worked one month and then left me in the lurch. Both only ever intended to use me as a Plan B, as they were really looking for more local jobs all the time, but never had the courtesy to tell me that. Both we blacklisted by the agencies afterwards.

You can see why I might feel a bit battle scarred sometimes after all this.

Need gin.

I have had three normal nannies, and indeed one of them, aka LovelyNanny, was on my sofa this morning working out with me how she can help out until I find a more solid solution (she is due to give birth very soon so we are having to take it a day at a time).

I had my first AP in 1987! I have had something like 20 APs and 5 nannies over 27 years. Some APs were only ever engaged for 3-4 months over the summer, that was always the intention. Very few around here in the UK do more than 9-12 months. 6 months is very common. Some have extended their stay with us because they were enjoying themselves. Some come back to babysit sometimes, if they are still in the UK.

As MN old hands will remember, our record for nutty nannies is the one who came for one hour or so, had not actually started work yet, was having a coffee and took a call from her mother who said she was in hospital having a heart attack, DH said, "You must go to see her!" and waved her off, girl never spoke to us again, after 3 days we rang The Place We Don't Name and asked what was going on, we were told the girl had changed her mind about taking the job. NOT very professional. Eden Nannies said she had form doing this and they didn't like trying to place her as she was so unreliable, she preferred riding her pony and was a bit of a princess.

The runner up to the nutty nanny prize is known to Nom de Clavier, as this nanny's college cohort were no better than her. She refused to lock the front door or car as 'That is proxy parenting' and tore bibs off my baby when I wasn't there and made his neck have raw red lines, and refused to acknowledge the fact she was doing it. She tried to serve the kids almost raw meat on one occasion, and on other occasions just didn't feed them properly, they were hungry. She crashed the car (no kids in there at the time, luckily). She was trained at the private college We Do Not Name and had done a two year cookery/nutrition course, food hygiene course, special driving course, and studied baby care for two years. I think they may just have struck her from their register but I can't be sure (maybe Nom de Clavier can tell me as I have always wondered).

I have neighbours who have nannies and APs around here and their experiences are very similar. One of my neighbours just sacked an AP as he slapped her DS, and another AP she had stole a lot of money from her (and other people). I also had a thief once. I just think it can be as fraught a relationship as any working one, except you are often living with people as well, which exaggerates any problems.

I am not sure. Obviously we screen out people who can't answer the question "Why do you want to be an au pair?" (and about a third can't understand this question!) We ask them about their childcare experience and interests, whether they can do a bit of cleaning and put a wash on, whether they can do a bit of cooking, what their hobbies are, how they would expect to discipline a child, how their friends would describe them, how they plan to make friends in the local area, whether they plan to go to English classes, and so on.

The ones who succeed in the job have:

1. Working mothers, indeed the more hours the mothers work, the better.
2. Previous experience of paid work where they have had to graft a bit.
3. A sense of humour.
4. A good sense of organisation and a sense of focus.

Things that appear on AP CVs that strangely don't seem to impact on success in the role:

1. Training as a youth leader.
2. Experience of entertaining children in summer camps.
3. Babysitting locally.

I think this is because this is highly directed work, either with qualified people telling them what to do all the time, or the kids are asleep, or the parents can be brought back at short notice if there are any problems.

My best ones were:

1. Former ice cream seller from Switzerland who went on to become an economist.
2. Trained nursery nurse from Germany x 2.
3. Trained chef from Spain.
4. Student from Switzerland who went on to become an oceanographer.
5. Foodie from France who could make a meal out of anything.
6. Teacher trainee from Germany, mid course.
7. Serial AP from Norway - we were her third AP job!

Red flags from past interviews (people we didn't hire):

"I am very afraid of insects"
"I can't go out in damp weather because I get asthma"
"I want you to be my new family"

Retrospective clues it was going to go wrong:

Inability to organise bank account/SIM card for themselves
Arriving with hand luggage only (!)
Parents delivering them to our door (!!)
Turning up to have a leisurely breakfast in PJs when we are all dressed and about to leave the house - usually starts in week 2 if they are going funny.
Shouting at the kids
Reporting to me that my children are ill-disciplined and unresponsive to them after they have been bellowing at them repeatedly in an authoritarian way.
Scruffy appearance (e.g. turning up to school in old sports kit or poorly fitting clothes), bad haircuts and little care of skin/personal hygiene through not washing clothes often enough (usually an indicator they are socially unaware, with hindsight)
Weird way of looking at us, slightly unsettling, again socially inappropriate.Neighbours usually comment on this as well.
Sleeping during working hours (probably the biggest indicator - should always get rid of people caught sleeping on the job, apart form anything else dangerous for the kids)
Spending all evening every evening on Skype speaking to people back home

Things that do not seem to have as much impact as you would think:

Boyfriends/girlfriends coming to stay
Going out nightclubbing a lot
Doing additional babysitting for other people

LUKYMUM self knowledge is very useful.

I get APs at my kitchen table moaning about their employers, and now and then I think I have pointed out it is the AP that IBU. The light goes on, and things get better for them sometimes.

Bear in mind I know many of the employers too. I reckon 20% is tired women being a bit bossy, and 80% is immaturity on the part of the APs.

Maryz, a voice in my head told me to avoid doing exactly that.

Marylou, I used to teach some very wealthy/well known kids and some of their parents were total fruitcakes. One of them left her child at school until early evening for me to look after, without any notice whatsoever, 'because it was the rush hour'. Poor kid. I had to go to pick up my own child by 6 so I left her with the caretaker. The mother eventually turned up at 7.30pm! No apology or anything!

Another just didn't come to pick her DD up from school after the kid had been on a trip overseas, because she couldn't be arsed, and expected the organiser of the trip, who had basically given up her half term to take the kids away, to drive her DD the five miles home before going home herself, or for the kid to WALK HOME. This was a Year 6 we were talking about.

There are indeed princesses out there, seriously.

I have heard some really juicy stories from some of my nannies and APs about other people. They don't name names but it's all riveting stuff. You seriously wonder what is going on in some people's heads.

I am seeing the Daily Star headline right now, by the way. "Boss ate my Hamster". Nom nom. Had a nice chianti with it. Not.

There are indeed crap bosses too, Marylou. There is one guy out there this evening who sincerely believes I am one of them