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Original poster

New (ish) au pair has written off the car....

64 replies

OvertiredandConfused · 08/04/2014 22:29

Our au pair has been with us for a month. We haven't gelled with her especially well and there have been a few niggles. However, our last au pair was our best by far, became part of the family, and we felt things were coloured by that and wanted to give things time to settle. I should say that never, at any point, have we had any concerns about her driving. I would never compromise on that. And our DC (10 and 12) haven't said anything either.

Driving is an essential part of the role. Not long distances, usually 10-15 minutes max. With it being half term, she offered to drive my eldest to a theme park place about 30 minutes away on local roads.

On the way back, so no children in the car fortunately, she was in an accident. Three cars involved, police, fire and ambulance called. One car had to have the roof cut off. Fortunately, no-one seriously injured and no hospital admissions.

It looks almost certainly as if it was our au pairs fault. She has said as much and traffic officer at the scene implied it in conversation with my dad (who was closest and so able to go to the scene). In fact, careless driving is a serious possibility. DC have since told me that her driving today was really bad and they nearly had an accident en route to the drop off. Whilst there may be some exaggeration after the event, there is clearly truth in what she says.

I am really struggling to unpick it all and decide what to do. I'm obviously making sure au pair is okay (she is physically) and telling her to rest, making her meals etc. However, I am furious. There is no way she can continue with us now - I can't let her drive my children or their friends again. Our car is a right off and we can't afford another one. I have no idea how we will manage with only one car. And I have no childcare. Really I want to send her home as I can't see any way of salvaging this - not least because safety is utterly non-negotiable.

WWYD?

And for those who want to flame me for using an au pair, can I clarify that I pay above average, give them plenty of time off, use of a car (ironically), have DC who are fairly self-sufficient at home and I always go for someone 22 or over, so not a homesick teenager.

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Blondeshavemorefun · 09/04/2014 23:01

Misread - not op's roof that got cut off

Does make you wonder how fast she was going if didn't stop at little crossroads and another car was so badly damaged that roof had to be cut off ......,

LadyHarrietdeSpook · 09/04/2014 22:39

The police officer's comments plus the email forwarding with no comment and the refusal to engage/apologise is outrageous. I wouldn't hesitate to terminate. Your only obligation here is to your kids and there isn't a compelling reason to let her have another go behind the wheel. Too harsh? TOUGH!

littleducks · 09/04/2014 22:23

"In terms of the insurance, I was once able to increase the amount an insurance company offered me for a written off car by sending them copies of adverts for the same model in the same area with comparable mileage that were priced higher. I know you'll still end up out of pocket but you may be able to minimise the gap."

We did this too, apparently you never, ever accept the first offer.

No advice on the au pair problem though..........she isn't in shock is she?

Blondeshavemorefun · 09/04/2014 22:12

The roof was cut off so def not repairable and a write off

Floralnomad · 09/04/2014 21:11

How badly damaged is your car ,just because an insurance company says it is a write off doesn't necessarily mean you have to write it off. They will still pay out and you can have the car repaired if its viable . I think I'd be getting rid of her just because of her attitude after the accident .

Original poster
OvertiredandConfused · 09/04/2014 20:58

Good tip verystressed thanks.

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VeryStressedMum · 09/04/2014 19:22

Value your car yourself using glasses guide, you'll have to pay a fiver or so. The insurer is supposed to offer you the price a dealer would sell the car for but in most cases the insurer will try to offer you the part exchange price.

Original poster
OvertiredandConfused · 09/04/2014 14:51

Thanks blueshoes. She is nearly 23 and English is her first language. Other nanny was only about 25-26 so not that much older.

I want her to give her statement and for me to be able to speak to the police officer dealing before I decide exactly when and how to send her home. I suspect that's a conversation for this weekend. Also, I want to see how she is and what she's done when I get home tonight.

I've stopped the automatic payment of her pocket money due on Friday but still have the option to do some, or all, manually when I see how the next day or so pans out. She is not penniless - I know she has access to more than £200 cash as well as a ticket home.

Fortunately, DH is off on Friday and I'm off next week. My DP and friends have covered today and will do the same tomorrow.

OP posts:
blueshoes · 09/04/2014 14:23

The fact that your aupair will not engage seems to suggest that it was her fault. She has shut down and refuses to engage. Is it possible for the officer to take her statement sooner rather than later? I am thinking the sooner you can get rid of her (she can just fly home) the better because she is not functional.

The fact that she not only cannot (due to bad driving) and will not (for her own reasons) perform her duties this week is reason enough to dock her pay. But whether you want to depends on how much you need her to be around for the police.

What did the police say about whether they have an issue if she flies home? Seeing that she has clammed up, I am not sure how useful taking her statement is.

How old is she? She sounds immature. Your previous pt nanny's reaction is much more the reaction I would expect from someone who takes responsibilities for her mistakes and who sincerely still wants the job.

Original poster
OvertiredandConfused · 09/04/2014 14:09

Update

I have spoken to the investigating officer and he is coming round on Friday evening to take a statement - didn't seem to be in a rush to come before then. Said whether I am with her while she does that is up to her, which is fine with me. He will then speak to me immediately afterwards and give me his full assessment.

I explained we were cautious about allowing her to drive again and he said, if it was his kids, he would be too but that he couldn't say anymore. That said volumes to me. I also explained that if she leaves us she is likely to fly home and I want to know if they have an issue with that.

In terms of working this week, she doesn't want to. I have had to make other arrangements for childcare - deal was she would cover 4 days of the two week school holiday and then do no childcare the other 7 days.

She isn't physically hurt - I have checked again. I understand she'll be shaken-up, but she simply won't engage with us at all. She forwarded the email about the other drivers that the police sent with no message from her and won't respond to emails. It's this that makes me want to reduce her pocket money.

In terms of getting home, she has a flexible return ticket that she can activate.

FWIW, years ago when I had a part-time nanny, she was in an accident as well. It clearly wasn't her fault, which helps, but kids were in the car. Her reaction was much more appropriate (for want of a better word). She had a day off - also shaken but otherwise uninjured - and then came back to work. Despite not being at fault, she was full of apologies and I had to keep reassuring her. Trusted her totally.

OP posts:
ThePrisonerOfAzkaban · 09/04/2014 13:49

Wait until you have an settlement offer, one car I wrote off I was given more then what I paid for it, as it was in good condition and low mileage.

I however wasn't allowed a curious car as the accident was my fault.

NurseyWursey · 09/04/2014 13:41

She would be out of my house quicker than a quick thing. She hasn't even apologised?!!

blueshoes · 09/04/2014 13:40

slowcomputer, in my 9 years of hiring aupairs, I have never had a host family call me to get a reference from me. I don't know what that means but clearly there are a lot of aupair employers out there who are not particularly thorough in their due diligence.

However, I always ask to speak to the referee and if the aupair is unable to furnish one, I consider that a red flag and quickly move on to the next prospect. I also only ever hire experienced aupairs so expect them to provide a reference from their host family. If a family called me to ask about a previous aupair, I will be prepared to be quite frank over the phone.

Different families have different requirements for their aupairs. For example, I do not require a driving aupair and this aupair not being trusted to drive is not a deal breaker for me.

LIZS · 09/04/2014 13:29

You need to establish if the police plan to take action . She may not be able to leave while this is pending. Maybe she is in shock and isn't thinking clearly enough to apologise? If it was a genuine mistake then should you discipline her for it , would you stop driving your dc around if it had been you ?

MissUumellmahaye · 09/04/2014 13:13

If she was driving carelessly I would struggle to let her drive again.

In terms of the insurance, I was once able to increase the amount an insurance company offered me for a written off car by sending them copies of adverts for the same model in the same area with comparable mileage that were priced higher. I know you'll still end up out of pocket but you may be able to minimise the gap.

slowcomputer · 09/04/2014 13:04

I love how threads where people have serious problem with their au pairs always end with people suggesting that the au pair os encouraged to move to a new family with no reference. would you be happy to find out that you had taken on this woman witbout knowing any of the circumstances in this thread?! Hmm

Degustibusnonestdisputandem · 09/04/2014 11:05

Why did she need an international licence anyway? When I first moved here from Australia my full Australian licence was sufficient for me to go on others' insurance, & there's never been any problem putting my family on my insurance when they visit. (I'm really hoping she was on her full licence...)

The lack of apology is appalling.

blueshoes · 09/04/2014 10:46

If driving is an essential part of her job and you no longer trust her to perform it, then she has to be let go.

It is not difficult to get rid of aupairs. If you wish to go down that route (after checking the insurance claims side of things), then just tell her that perhaps she should find another family and give her sufficient notice to do so and time to attend interviews. It is much easier for her to find another family once she is in the country. She would probably prefer that since the cost and trouble of going back to Australia may be too great. If she has not been working for you for that long, she can easily discount the time she has been with you (i.e. pretend she did not work for you) and saves you having to give her a reference.

Many of the aupairs who left me left to go to another family or job. You can also ask whether she has friends she can stay with whilst she is looking. Once you broach this subject, I suggest you find another aupair asap if not before you approach her because there is a risk she may decide to leave you in the lurch soon after.

I don't have confidence that an aupair who does not apologise to her host family after such a serious error would be a decent sort of person.

meditrina · 09/04/2014 10:31

When will the police have completed the investigations into the incident?

If she is to face charges in Court, she will not be allowed to leave the country until they are dealt with. Have you factored this in?

If the accident is not her fault, then you need to make sure you sack her properly - presumably relying on DC account of dangerous driving at other times?

thoughtsbecomethings · 09/04/2014 10:26

While I was a nanny I crashed my employees car and it was a write off. Thank goodness I wasn't hurt and the kiddies weren't in the car. Accidents happen my employees especially the woman treated me terribly afterwards and didn't even ask if I was ok.

TheScience · 09/04/2014 10:26

Not sure where you stand legally on reducing her pocket money - was there anything about deductions or paying more for a driver in the contract?

If you do send her home, won't it cost you a bomb to fly her back to Australia?

LongPieceofString · 09/04/2014 10:25

The situation with your car 'insurance value' v 'value to you' is what I meant earlier. Ours is probably an old banger to anyone else but because we know it's history/reliability it's worth more to us. I really feel for you.

Can't believe she hasn't apologised! That would be a deal breaker for me.

Blondeshavemorefun · 09/04/2014 10:22

And course you have to pay her. She can't do duties as has no car
But it is holidays and can still look after kids at home till a car is sorted

Most insurances have a curtesy car for least 14days while you sort out another car

Yes it's annoying but in the end it's a car and no one is hurt

Blondeshavemorefun · 09/04/2014 10:18

Accidents happen. I rolled my employers car years ago with kids in it

To get rid of her coz of the accident seems petty - tho you said hadn't jelled

Obv a sorry helps and I felt awful over my accident and said sorry countless times

Both db and mb fab - said cars can be replaced - kids and I can't and as we were ok the accident didn't matter

It's not like me or your au pair did it on purpose

Surprised police didn't breathalize. They normally do when other cars are involved

Did you go out with her in the car to check /judge her driving?

In the end we have insurance incase have an accident and yes payout usually less but as car is written off ie no roof then the company should pay out asap as long as fully comp

Original poster
OvertiredandConfused · 09/04/2014 07:49

Morning.

She is definitely allowed to drive and is covered fully comp. At the time we added her to the insurance we specified the type of licence and were irritated that an Australian costs much more to insure than a European, despite the language and the fact we drive in the same side.

I am going to try to speak to the traffic officer who attended myself and DH will speak to insurance company.

Insurance payout will be minimal due to market value of car. We bought it from BiL who had it from new so know it's history etc and it's worth more to us than market value because we know that IYSWIM. Not suggesting what we get won't be fair. At the moment, my focus is getting that resolved ASAP as we really need a second car.

Out of interest, assuming she wasn't a totally blameless victim of a random idiot driver, how much difference would the degree of culpability have on what you'd do? And do you think it's reasonable for me to reduce her pocket money while she is still here - not as punishment or because she is off sick (wouldn't do that) but because she is unable to perform many of her duties and I'm having to make alternative arrangements.

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