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Original poster

Au-pair's bedroom - sacrosanct space, or spare room?

57 replies

TooBusyByHalf · 18/02/2014 22:07

We currently have a kind of au-pair but she's the niece of a good friend so we treat her very much as part of the family. This includes her (very occasionally) giving up her room to an older relative coming to stay for a night - when she would sleep on a sofa-bed instead, and (slightly more often) allowing us to use 'her' room for guests when she is away anyway (e.g. for a weekend visiting friends). She has no problem with either of these arrangements.

She is leaving in May and we are planning on getting someone new. But it is unlikely to be a family friend, so we are worried about what to do in these situations. The bed in the au pairs room is the only one suitable for a couple, or for older visitors, so though we are happy to put visiting young adults on the sofa bed there will be some who can't do that.

My worry is that the room an au pair gets is their only private space and should not be used by others at all; my DP says they are young, flexible and won't mind, and where she's from (New Zealand) it's quite normal for kids / teenagers / young adults to be moved around for guests and no-one thinks anything of it. She thinks I'm quite barmy even for worrying about it.

The other option I suppose would be to give up our own room instead (and sleep on the floor somewhere).

If we make it clear when we recruit that they may (rarely, e.g 3 times a year) be asked to give up their bed for a night or two, would that be acceptable do you think? and is it normal to use their room for guests when they are away for a weekend?

Do you agree with me or DP?

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Blondeshavemorefun · 19/02/2014 07:42

B is also a no

If you need a spare double guests can use your bed

If you need a spare single guests can use your kids bed

It is her private space and tbh shouldn't even be asked that occasionally can someone else use her bed etc

BobPatSamandIgglePiggle · 19/02/2014 07:38

No - I wouldn't like it. Why can't you give up your room?

Toptack · 19/02/2014 07:28

No no no no no. This happened to a friend of mine, who went away for a weekend and came back early to find surprise visitors sleeping in her bed. Friend was so irate she left the next day, leaving her employers completely in the lurch for childcare. As far as she was concerned that room was both part her remuneration and absolute private space.

pictish · 19/02/2014 07:17

O don't have any experience of having an au pair, but even so, my instinct says no. You can't expect to regard the au pair's room as the spare room as well. It's either his or her room, or it's not...and if it's not, then you have no space for an au pair.
He or she will have personal belongings in there, even when they are not there.
That space is sacrosanct.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 19/02/2014 07:10

Odd but the people sleeping in there aren't the family of the au pair. If the au pair had her mum to stay, or her friends, whilst OP was away, could they just use OP's room?

Botero · 19/02/2014 07:04

I'm a live in nanny and really wouldn't be happy with having to be out of my room. Luckily my bosses have never asked me.

You have to understand that it's not just a 'a place to sleep' for the AP but their only private space and their only non working place.

OddFodd - If people occasionally get turfed out of the beds for relatives to stay then in this case it should be the parents.

OddFodd · 19/02/2014 06:25

Gosh I'm really surprised at this thread! I thought an au pair was supposed to be part of the family and in my family that means occasionally getting turfed out of bed for an older relative.
Having said that, I regularly let friends use our house when we're away so maybe I'm just a bit weirdly laid back about beds

Crowen85 · 19/02/2014 03:22

As a live in nanny..no it's not right, it's her personal space and even if I go home to my parents for the weekend I still except that room to be mine.

MistressDeeCee · 19/02/2014 02:03

I don't think au pair would be happy to give up room. Presumably if room being used by guests for a couple of days then theyd have stuff in there, and au pair may feel awkward going into the room to access her own stuff - whats to do, knock on the door every time she needs something? What if she fancies chilling out in her room? Obviously she wont be able to whilst guests are there..so what does she do, hang around with others elsewhere in the house?

If this is what you want I think its best to say from the outset, then anyone put off by that won't apply. Easiest and most courteous thing though is to give the au pair their private space. After all, Im sure you'd say there is a room available, and au pair would assume a room was available...it cant be available 'sometimes' it should be available for personal and constant use throughout the period she's with you.

VeryStressedMum · 19/02/2014 01:58

No. And I wouldn't have done it with your friends niece either. That was her space and she shouldn't have had to give it up for your guest but more importantly you shouldn't have asked her to.

ItsNotATest · 19/02/2014 01:46

No. Of course not.

Is this really so hard to understand?

IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 19/02/2014 01:44

And are you sure your current nanny is actually ok with it or just doesn't wabt to say actually, no I dont bloody want people in my rokm

NickNacks · 18/02/2014 23:23

I'm embarrassed for you that you even need to ask!

IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 18/02/2014 23:10

No no no no no

It's still HER room with her personal belongings so absolutely not acceptable to use it when she's not there...no...just no

BrianTheMole · 18/02/2014 22:56

No I still wouldn't ask to use her space when she's away. Completely wrong.

Poloholo · 18/02/2014 22:53

I appreciate it is different but we have a live in nanny which obviusly constrains bedroom space and thus what we can accomodate with visitors sleeping over. Like you it is only a couple of times per year so we just pay for a local hotel and accept that is part of the "cost" of having a live in nanny.

Having said that, when our nanny has been away for a signifcant period over Christmas she has been happy for us to use her room for guests. But I wouldn't ask if she were just away for the weekend.

Jirvine · 18/02/2014 22:33

Think how you would feel if some one asked you to let soemone sleep in your room while you wee out - ok they are known to you and perhaps less likely to snoop but I would feel very uncomfortable with someone in a personal space....

I had a couple of au pairs over the years and I couldnt have asked them to do that - to me the use of a room was part of their wage and as such no longer mine to be used by anyone else - wether they were in or not.

Heebiejeebie · 18/02/2014 22:30

No.

TheScience · 18/02/2014 22:29

No, it's still her room and her stuff. How would you feel if you went away for the weekend and the au pair let her friends stay in your room?

Pimpf · 18/02/2014 22:29

NO NO NO NO NO.

It's still her space full of her belongings. What if she changes her mind and comes back early, or doesn't go away at all

Original poster
TooBusyByHalf · 18/02/2014 22:28

Thanks everyone that's very clear. No sleeping on the sofa and no clearing out the room (which we wouldn't ask anyway). What about scenario (b) - when she's away for the weekend anyway. Obviously her stuff is still in the room, but if the bed is empty, can we use it?

OP posts:
Pimpf · 18/02/2014 22:24

Not al all acceptable. It is their private space.

I've been an au pair and a nanny, only one family did this to me and I was furious. Yes their home but my room.

Your guests, you give up your room

Reinette · 18/02/2014 22:23

Absolutely unacceptable. That is her ONLY space in a foreign country living in a stranger's home. As a former au pair here, if my HP had come into my room without knocking, gone in searching for something without asking, or asked me to LET EVEN MORE STRANGERS STAY IN IT, I would have rematched immediately. You'll have to consider it off-limits for anything and find another solution.

Blondeshavemorefun · 18/02/2014 22:22

As everyone has said it is unacceptable

If you have guests then they sleep in your room and you have sofa bed or floor

It's her own private space and somewhere she can escape to if need be - which she def can't do if people are staying in there

So tell dp he is wrong :)

BettyBotter · 18/02/2014 22:21

No. You are right. DP is wrong.

Fine for a friend of the family. Definitely not OK for a visiting employee/guest. He/she will need their own private space that they don't need to clear out of every month or two.