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Original poster

Concern over MIL and BLW

37 replies

babrow13 · 10/02/2014 23:48

Sorry for long post.

I am due to return to work next month 2 days per week and MIL will be looking after DS who will be 11 months. I am concerned that she will be trying to spoon feed DS behind my back as she does not agree with BLW for a variety of reasons.

Me and DH have both made it clear that DS is not spoon fed and MIL had previously seemed to respect our decision. However, the other day I was feeding DS mash, loading the spoon up for him and passing it to him to to feed himself which he does very well. After about 5 spoonfuls he didn't want any more and started to whinge. MIL decided to take over and tried to put the spoon in his mouth in front of me. DS just whacked it away from his face and over the floor it went.

MIL is great with DS and he adores her. I am happy in all other aspects of her care of him but I now have this doubt in my head that our weaning methods are being undermined and she will care for him as she pleases behind my back. Also he has made so much progress with the BLW that I want to continue.

Am I reading too much into it? Has anyone else experienced anything similar and what did you do? Or should I just let her get on with it?

She has seen DS eating whole foods and knows his capabilities but I think she believes he needs some extra help with eating or needs more food. I gave her the Gill Rapley book to read in October and she hasn't read it yet, told DH she wouldn't read that rubbish and it is all just money making. I truly don't mind if she disagrees with it but I want her to read the book so she knows what to do as this method is so alien to her.

Another big concern is that DH is overweight and does not know when he is full up. He eats excessively. DS is a big boy, 98 centile for weight and height from birth to 10 months. I believe DS may have the potential to become overweight as an adult so am keen to install healthy eating habits now. MIL also told me that when DH was a baby she ignored the midwives who told her DS was overweight for his age and claimed they didn't know what they were talking about and that she know what was best for her child!

ah dilemma, all opinions welcome.

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pluCaChange · 14/02/2014 19:34

I have the overfeeding worry about my MIL, too. DH is overweight and has a pathologically sweet tooth, and we can both see DD (who was BLW!) might go the same way if her diet is too heavy on the sweets. Even when it's fruit not carrot sticks or cucumer, oh, noooo MIL is following both DC around with it, after lunch, then again only an hour before supper. DS hasn't got that same sweet tooth, but that just makes it even more shocking, the pressure sge puts on him, yo "just have a bit of cake!" His resistance is also in line with FIL's austerity, which, TBH, seems like just another dysfunctional relationship with food! Sad

Passthecake30 · 14/02/2014 07:06

I have one that was spoon fed and one that was blw. There is no difference in their eating habits, if I were you I'd just be happy with free childcare tbh

Original poster
babrow13 · 11/02/2014 21:38

Hi shoewhore, yes I think this might be part of the problem as well as her thinking DS will fade away. That's why I hoped she would read the book to put her mind at rest.

There is as much evidence for BLW being better as there is for spoon feeding being better, I.e. None!

There is this though, however I believe the reliability of participants has been questioned.

www.telegraph.co.uk/science/science-news/10555503/Spoon-fed-babies-more-likely-to-be-overweight.html

I don't think any method of parenting is generally better, I think it is really about what works best for parents and baby. Unless your parenting is abusive of course in the eyes of the law. I looked into BLW due to seeing LOs of friends with excellent eating skills, the more I looked into it the more it suited us.

OP posts:
ShoeWhore · 11/02/2014 19:57

I'm sure it'll be fine OP. Sounds like you have come up with a good plan.

Fwiw I don't think blw had been invented when mine were babies (although the middle one refused to be spoon fed and ate everything with his hands - should have written a book about it!) and we managed just fine - they had a mix of purees, mashed stuff and finger foods. I would probably focus on the letting him eat to appetite aspect and not worry too much about the spoon.

Possibly your MIL is feeling a bit nervous about being in sole charge and the possibility of choking? Purée might feel a lot safer to her, partly because it's familiar?

Btw is there any actual evidence to prove blw is better or is it just Rapley's idea?

givemeaclue · 11/02/2014 19:42

You have it all worked out it will be fine

Original poster
babrow13 · 11/02/2014 18:46

Vulgarwatch - DH has tried to talk to her about it, not too much about the overheating side of things as don't want it to seem like we are critical. I was hoping she would pick this up from the book! To our face she seems to respect that parents do things differently, however what will go on behind our backs is a different story. She keeps making blended chicken soup for us every week in the hope I think that we give it to DS, which we do alongside more solid food. I took her to our local soft play and she loved it, they do children's sandwiches there so I will leave her some money to encourage her to buy his lunch there.

Patchouli - it is at our house. Although MIL is fine with mess, she understands baby's will make mess although he is getting much better. Fair point reg money making, didn't think of that but sure money can be made of spoon feeding as well, anabel kamel and the like.

Orangefizz99 - I though the same about the book at first however I did get some useful tips such as the milk feed half hour before feeding and not feeding when tired. Also useful for getting a better understanding of the science behind it, especially around choking. Another concern of MIL, makes a huge fuss when DS gags, not so much now.

I couldn't say that spoon feeding leads to being overweight. I was spoon fed and I am very slim and not a fussy eater at all. DH does a lot of exercise but has to in order to keep the weight off. He does put a lot on over Xmas though.

Runoutofideas - his feeds are much less now with eating solids. Never been a problem leaving him as he will drink formula. Such a happy baby rarely cries, he knows I'm not there and doesn't make a fuss. Luckily job is 5mins drive away and will be doing 6hrs a day. I might need my pump though.

Give me a clue - here's the plan.

I am working term time so I think I might come home at lunch for the first 5 weeks until Easter hols. I can empty breasts and also hopefully MIL will see how good DS eats on his own. I can prep lunches the night before.

After Easter DS will be 1yr so can drop the daytime feeds and can wean him over Easter hols. No need to come home at lunch, DS can have cows milk.

After Easter I will prep lunches, something easy like sandwiches or pasta. I will then just let her get on with it.

If at any point there are any issues with DS weight or eating habits we can address them then. I'm sure all will be fine.

MIL loves to make us homemade cakes that are not too unhealthy. I will just keep emphasing how much DS loves them, which he does, I will also remove junk from the house so hopefully this will discourage her from feeding him any junk.

Thanks everyone for your comments. Really appreciate them.

OP posts:
Runoutofideas · 11/02/2014 16:42

I would think DS breast feeding on demand will cause more potential problems with grandmother if he's with her for two days, than whether she feeds him with a spoon.

BonaDea · 11/02/2014 16:21

Jelly, I agree with you. The mess comes eventually it is just a matter of when! Plus if they feed themselves from a young age they don't become frustrated when you want to stop feeding them. Although I will say that DS makes a helluva mess most meal times Wink

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 11/02/2014 16:13

Patchouli there was very little waste when we did blw - we just gave him small portions of what we were having and he ate what he wanted. If we had been doing spoon-feeding, we would have pureed that and he still would have only eaten as much as he wanted. We weren't doing special separate meals for him.

And babies do make mess. You can start out spoon feeding but at some point they will all take control and start feeding themselves and at that stage they may spill and drop things. Ds never flung his food around. I don't agree that blw is necessarily wasteful or much messier than purees.

my2bundles · 11/02/2014 14:52

Dont worry, by 11 months you cannot tell the difference between a BLW baby and a purree spoon fed one, so it will be a none issue.

OrangeFizz99 · 11/02/2014 14:40

I don't think you need a book to tell you how to blw.

It is fairly obvious.

I ended up blw dc2 and she just ate the food I have her with her hands. I didn't need to buy a book to tell me that.

I don't subscribe to spoon feeding or treats being evil either though. Spoon feeding is not what creates an overweight adult - that is just bad eating and being too sedentary in adulthood.

Patchouli · 11/02/2014 14:13

I think it can be difficult for the older generation to accept the waste of food.
Is the mess happening at her place or yours?

I'm pretty sure that Rapley makes plenty of money on DVDs, endorsements, talks etc from coining the phrase BLW.

Gladvent · 11/02/2014 14:04

OP we did BLW with our DC, but they spent a day a week with MIL who did her own thing - fruit shoots and all... I have special memories of the time that (on medical advice) DS was on a dairy free diet, and it transpired MIL didn't agree with that and had been shovelling custard pots down his neck. Grrr.

However they are old enough now to lecture MIL on healthy eating etc - but more importantly they do have a great relationship with her. They know she likes to spoil them and they know it's not the same rules at home!

Your DS will spend most of his time with you and will get his eating habits from you. I'm sure he'll be ok with 2 'different days'.

vulgarwretch · 11/02/2014 13:53

Don't worry about the blw thing. I am broadly a proponent of blw but my dd was spoon fed and always stops eating when she's full (she is 9 now), my ds was blw and stuffs so much food into his mouth that he can't even chew it. He will also stop when he's full but his food regulation is definitely less good.

Can your dh have a chat to her about the overfeeding issue? It will be hard, because there's some implicit criticism of her parenting, but if he can say, 'Mum, it's really important to us that ds doesn't eat too much sweet stuff and learns to stop eating when he's full. I am very unhappy with my weight problems and I don't want him to struggle with the same issues. This is how you can help...', I think that would be hard for her to brush aside.

Your MIL wants to find ways to make your ds happy. Food is a quick and easy way to do that with kids, I think many of us find ourselves falling into this trap. Too many toys is another example of the same thing but it's not really damaging so not a battle worth fighting for you at the moment, probably. But maybe you could help her to find a really fun activity for her to take your ds to on the days she is looking after him so that she can have something special that she does with him that isn't related to food.

givemeaclue · 11/02/2014 13:32

So what do you plan to do op?

Original poster
babrow13 · 11/02/2014 13:29

Jellyandcake - no exaggeration, 10 mins after eating a huge dinner MIL comes out with 4 different puddings in one bowl. She is definitely a feeder. Then later in the evening cakes and biscuits. This is not Xmas day I'm talking about!

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Original poster
babrow13 · 11/02/2014 13:27

Natweb79 - no DH isn't doing just fine. He suffers with his weight, controlling how much he eats and not knowing when he is full up. As stated earlier he was overweight as a baby as MIL informed me. DH fully supports BLW for this reason as well as advice from HV as this being a good method for our DS.

Regarding free childcare - yes I am very lucky to have a lovely MIL who wants to look after DS for free. We could afford nursery but very important to DH for DS to have a good relationship with his parents and I support and understand this, I believe in the importance of grandparents in children's lives, especially his own time with them without us taking over. If I didn't feel comfortable with them looking after him I would give up work all together. I don't think this would make me want to end the arrangement all together, MIL would be very upset. However if something is quite important to us am I wrong to want this to be respected, no matter who is caring for DS?

BonaDea - Great thanks for that suggestion. Maybe this is the solution at least until all his teeth come through and MIL is more comfortable with him eating food.

Orangefizz99 - I don't quite understand the money making concept. I have only ever seen 1 book and the only other thing you need to buy is food. Puree on the other hand, lots of books, blending machines, pouch machines, ready made food, the list is endless.

Minderjinx - I only asked her to read the book as she was asking a lot of questions about it but wasn't convinced on my answers. I have found that people (especially of the older generation) find my advocation of this method as an insult of the method they have chosen so I usually keep my mouth shut. I am not a doctor and I sometimes feel as I only have the one child that I am not taken seriously. Hearing comments such as 'young people have no common sense these days'. Btw my mother also in disagreement. I have nothing against pureeing, DS was spoon fed before switching to BLW. I am very open minded and believe there is more than 1 way to cook an egg.

Walterwhiteswife - it is basically letting the baby lead their eating. Offering a variety of textures and flavours and letting them explore the food. By 12 months coming off the milk they should have gained the skills to feed themselves and recognise when they are full. You can use a spoon for soft things like yoghurt but let the baby use the spoon themselves just like you eventually would with puréed food.

I am open minded and read a lot. I also listen to health professionals, parents, friends and now it seems you guys on mumsnet and pick the bits that are useful to my own circumstances. However, I do not follow these sources and do exactly as they say, for example DS has sweet treats which I think is fine in moderation. rapley says to keep them away. I think this is the problem with both sets of parents as I think they believe I should listen to them only. I am 30 btw so capable of making up my own mind! Nothing against Gina but not for me I'm afraid. DS breastfeeding on demand, sleeps in our bed and has only just got himself into his own routine at 11 months. Parents very opinionated about these things too. But suits me and DH just fine and have never complained about DS once so their options going straight over our heads!

Alibabaandthe40nappies - new to mumsnet and couldn't find the section on weaning. But relevant to childminding also.

Jellyandcake - I totally understand. MIL has told me that she won't be able to say 'no' to DS, that they will have sneaky treats when mummy and daddy aren't around. But to be honest I am not worrying too much about this as I know grandparents like to spoils GC. The amount of toys is another story I need to rent out a garage to keep up. She too offered 5 days free childcare But 2 Days is def the max for my comfort especially as they often spend all weekend with us as well. I think my main issue is having our opinions respected especially with the amount of time they spend with him. I am quite easy going but I don't want this to be taken advantage of. Sometimes if you don't nip things in the bud they can escalate, and then it will be 'oh you should have said something to begin with!'.

OP posts:
givemeaclue · 11/02/2014 10:01

If you aren't happy with mil doing it has way them you need to make alternative arrangements. Otherwise it will create a lot of tension with you wanting her to do it your way and her thinking her way is best. This could ultimately destroy your relationship. So if you can let her get on with it, great. If you can't you need to re think.

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 11/02/2014 10:00

It's not the spoon feeding that is the problem, it's the over-feeding imo. My parents also wanted to do childcare for us and we got it down to one afternoon a week (they wanted three days which for various reasons did not suit us). They weren't very comfortable with BLW in practice though they did like the theory. I didn't want them to worry or stress over mealtimes so I said it was fine for them to spoonfeed him if they wanted. They did a mixture and it really didn't matter.

Overfeeding him though really did become an issue. I wasn't bothered if they wanted to spend money on Ella's pouches for him once a week but I wasn't happy with them taking him to a cafe for a mid-afternoon 'snack' of an adult-sized portion of cake plus biscuits at home whenever he asked, apple crumble with ice cream for dessert at dinnertime, never putting veg on his plate because 'he won't eat it', sugary yoghurt no matter how many times I explained he likes plain Greek yoghurt...

It's not as simple as 'use paid childcare' when that would hurt grandparents so much. Mine will not listen when it comes to 'treats'. However, we are now moving to them doing their afternoon at our house so I can have control over what food is here. I know they will bring cakes etc with them though!

So, I wouldn't stress about spoon feeding so much as the attitude towards encouraging over-eating. I haven't found a solution to that!

walterwhiteswife · 11/02/2014 09:57

ah ok your following a book that tells you what to do!!! gina ford all over againWinkWink

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 11/02/2014 09:53

Why have you posted this in the childcare section?

If you want someone looking after your child who you can dictate to then you need to find an Ofsted registered nanny or CM or nursery and pay them.

So - is it so important to you that you want to pay?

We did BLW with ours btw, and the odd spoonful to help them along when they're tired or whiny doesn't hurt at all.

walterwhiteswife · 11/02/2014 09:49

I dont understand what this blw is? do you only want ds to feed himself? with a spoon?

walterwhiteswife · 11/02/2014 09:49

I dont understand what this blw is? do you only want ds to feed himself? with a spoon?

BonaDea · 11/02/2014 09:42

I think some people are being unfair to OP.

Yes, ideas change, but that doesn't mean that the new ideas are wrong or that older relatives can do as they please. Of course the mil is doing her a favour but this is op's child and she can ask that things are done her way without being rude about it!

minderjinx · 11/02/2014 09:40

I agree with most of the other replies. MIL is doing you a huge favour. It could easily seem ungrateful to try to force your own ideas on her. I think most mothers of her generation would find someone of yours trying to get them to read any sort of book on childraising a bit daft. If you want that level of control, hire a nanny.