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Original poster

I'm an AP and I am wondering whether any of this is normal(long)

181 replies

QueenieRae · 27/01/2014 19:19

Hi all, would welcome some advice from people with experience of an AP. To set the scene, I'm an English AP in Western Europe and have been for two months now. There are three kids, 5, 10 and 13. After checking the guidelines for my host country online I am wondering whether I need to leave ASAP or if I'm just being a bit precious.

The good:
The youngest kid is lovely.
The mother is a SAHM.
I am allowed to attend a language course once a week.
I have a lovely large room with a balcony and shared use of the kids' bathroom.
I think my language skills are improving.

The slightly iffy:
I am paid 150 Euros a month. The internet seems to suggest I should be on at least 50Euro a week.
I have to pay for all my transport and language course.
I am expected to clean the house fully 4 times a week. This includes hoovering, polishing, cleaning the bathrooms, cleaning the kitchen floor, hob and oven, and dusting.
I do a lot of cooking, unless the family go out for dinner.
I babysit most evenings.

The uncomfortable:
I am not allowed to eat with the family, but eat whatever the kids leave from the meal. I'm also not allowed to help myself to anything.
The middle child is almost 9 stone(!). There don't tend to be leftovers.
I haven't actually had a paid day off yet. That said, the host family count my morning language course as time off.
I am not allowed to shut my bedroom door, ever. I change in the bathroom.
The older children are possibly psychopathic. Due to an 'accident' where one jumped on me while the other tripped me I now have a broken wrist. I was taken to hospital yesterday and now the parents have gone away for the week leaving me in charge of the kids.

I have little way of knowing whether I'm a good AP or not. Maybe I'm just crap or everything has been unlucky. That said, I have a broken wrist and I've lost almost a stone and a half.

To be honest, I'll probably leave before I was supposed to, but rational talking would be welcome.

OP posts:
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CarlaVeloso · 27/01/2014 20:34

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Original poster
QueenieRae · 27/01/2014 20:32

Pocket money

In Germany, an au pair receives monthly pocket money of 260 euros. In this context, the number of working hours is irrelevant. You are also entitled to your pocket money during your holiday and in case of illness.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 27/01/2014 20:31

That sounds absolultely dreadful. Poor you. You need to leave ASAP. What a shame families like this exploit people.

PortofinoRevisited · 27/01/2014 20:28

Um which country?

Original poster
QueenieRae · 27/01/2014 20:27

The guide lines i saw for my country say 50e per week. I was then told that some of those wages would pay for my mandatory health insurance. It's not like I haven't eaten for two months. I eat small meals from what the children leave and I use my pay to buy snacks which I hide in my room.

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenieRae · 27/01/2014 20:19

I will try coaxing the grandparents' phone number out of the children. I am a bit financially embarrassed at the moment as its the end of the month. I want placed by an agency which I know now is a rookie error.
I actually don't have any family I can ask for money. My plan is to get paid next weekend then tell them I'm leaving.

OP posts:
PortofinoRevisited · 27/01/2014 20:18

Au Pairs should get at least 450 euros plus per month, plus language lessons, plus insurance, plus food. They are expected to do light household duties/childcare, and help out in family life much as an older sister would If this is genuine, why on earth would you accept such low pay - you must have done SOME research, used an agency etc. I don't believe for one minute you have lived 2 months without eating a meal.

LtGreggs · 27/01/2014 20:13

The lack of food, lack of privacy and sole charge of three children for several days with a broken wrist and no parents answering phone are all end-it-now concerns. I'd make ready to leave and go as soon as there's someone else to take over with the children.

Do you have contact details for local family - grandparents or similar? If you are not comfortable leaving kids with them, you could as them for help and to contact parents.

Are you placed through an agency? If so, I'd get in touch with them tonight or tomorrow and get them to help you leave.

Have you got enough cash to leave? If not, can you call your parents for help?

If you are worried about getting upset or panicky, try thinking through a backup plan just in case. Is there a youth hostel in town or a friendly face or teacher at language school for advice? Would you be wanting to get straight back to UK, or find temp place to stay for a while why you try to find new AP role?

(We are a UK family with a W European AP)

SolomanDaisy · 27/01/2014 20:09

I quit an appalling au pair job when I was 21 btw, it's not easy to quit and travel back alone at that age. Which country are you in?

LUKYMUM · 27/01/2014 20:09

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Just like everyone else said. You need to go.

Original poster
QueenieRae · 27/01/2014 20:09

I'm kind of in the middle of nowhere right now; a small village but not much else. I've been browsing au pair sites over the last couple of days but the one family I contacted said they would prefer to wait until I was better as they have two boisterous young boys.

OP posts:
anothernumberone · 27/01/2014 20:09

surburban how did you pick up on the psychopathic comment in the context of this post. OP that is wrong, wrong, wrong call your parents get a flight and get out if there as soon as you can. That is slave labour not ap. alternatively get onto an ap website and find another family locally. I imagine it does not need to be said but don't leave the kids alone.

SolomanDaisy · 27/01/2014 20:08

Just leave now. For 150 euros it isn't worth waiting for the pay. You might be able to find another placement in the same place quickly if you're in a major city.

NannyLouise29 · 27/01/2014 20:08

Be prepared for the backlash when you hand in your notice. I was an au pair in Switzerland to a nutty family who treated me terribly. I was very nice, and handed in my notice telling them I'd stay until they found someone else - I was evicted the next day. No flight, no money, and nowhere to stay.

Have a Plan B arranged in case they don't take your notice very well. They seem the type to think they have treated you wonderfully and can't quite believe your "attitude" after "everything they've done for you" - such a common sentiment amongst these types of slave drivers.

They are treating you appallingly, and the fact that you have just got on with it is evidence of your good character. Don't worry about leaving them in the lurch if they change completely when you tell them you want to leave.

Original poster
QueenieRae · 27/01/2014 20:07

I'm in my early 20s but sadly lacking in family members. I wanted to come to this country and brush up on the language while still earning a bit with the aim of perhaps moving out here sometime soon.

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MillyONaire · 27/01/2014 20:04

I was an au pair back in the early 90's. I had a wonderful experience with a fantastic family and am still in touch with all of them - I didn't realise how lucky I was; Three of my friends went to France at the same time as au pairs and all three had rotten stories of various degrees of horror. Now we are all horrified that they stayed their full term; You should be packing your bags and planning your exit (would it be possible to find another job in the same area this week???) for the second those parents walk in on Friday or Saturday!

Moreisnnogedag · 27/01/2014 20:04

Leave and leave now. Notice? Meh. As soon as they arrive back I'd be out like a shot.

Out of interest, how old are you and where are you? Not meant in a bad way, but you sound really unsure that this is a bad set up and it blatantly is.

Original poster
QueenieRae · 27/01/2014 20:04

I was wondering more whether as I was living in somebody else's house, whether it was acceptable for them to impose the bedroom door thing.

The job was via the internet, not agency per se, more like an au pair 'dating' site.

I think if it wasn't for the little one I would already have gone but now I think the broken wrist is the final straw. I need to get my months pay and then I can fly home.

OP posts:
clam · 27/01/2014 20:03

How old are you? I'm just thinking that if you were my daughter, I'd be flying out to pick you up right now.
This is NOT acceptable. Get out as soon as you can. Please.

RuinedAndNotorious · 27/01/2014 20:00

Although I have never been or had an au pair, that sounds horrendous and not at all normal. Please leave as soon as you can. Do the children have any other relatives who could look after them until the parents come back? Obviously you can't abandon them but you shouldn't have to look after three kids for a week with a broken wrist either.

Lamu · 27/01/2014 19:59

I'd be out if there in a flash. There's not much to consider IMO. Did you get the job via an agency?

Levantine · 27/01/2014 19:58

I would leave. Not normal and not acceptable. Leave in whatever way you think is responsible

StrawberryMojito · 27/01/2014 19:57

Surely you don't need Internet strangers to tell you that you should be allowed to eat normal size meals and shut your bedroom door?!

Original poster
QueenieRae · 27/01/2014 19:57

I do get the impression I need to give my notice fairly soon.

OP posts:
SolomanDaisy · 27/01/2014 19:56

That sounds shit and you should definitely leave. I live abroad, also in western Europe, and there were lots of au pairs on my language course. They all complained about the tiny amounts of food, portion sizes tend to be tiny here.