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I'm an AP and I am wondering whether any of this is normal(long)

181 replies

QueenieRae · 27/01/2014 19:19

Hi all, would welcome some advice from people with experience of an AP. To set the scene, I'm an English AP in Western Europe and have been for two months now. There are three kids, 5, 10 and 13. After checking the guidelines for my host country online I am wondering whether I need to leave ASAP or if I'm just being a bit precious.

The good:
The youngest kid is lovely.
The mother is a SAHM.
I am allowed to attend a language course once a week.
I have a lovely large room with a balcony and shared use of the kids' bathroom.
I think my language skills are improving.

The slightly iffy:
I am paid 150 Euros a month. The internet seems to suggest I should be on at least 50Euro a week.
I have to pay for all my transport and language course.
I am expected to clean the house fully 4 times a week. This includes hoovering, polishing, cleaning the bathrooms, cleaning the kitchen floor, hob and oven, and dusting.
I do a lot of cooking, unless the family go out for dinner.
I babysit most evenings.

The uncomfortable:
I am not allowed to eat with the family, but eat whatever the kids leave from the meal. I'm also not allowed to help myself to anything.
The middle child is almost 9 stone(!). There don't tend to be leftovers.
I haven't actually had a paid day off yet. That said, the host family count my morning language course as time off.
I am not allowed to shut my bedroom door, ever. I change in the bathroom.
The older children are possibly psychopathic. Due to an 'accident' where one jumped on me while the other tripped me I now have a broken wrist. I was taken to hospital yesterday and now the parents have gone away for the week leaving me in charge of the kids.

I have little way of knowing whether I'm a good AP or not. Maybe I'm just crap or everything has been unlucky. That said, I have a broken wrist and I've lost almost a stone and a half.

To be honest, I'll probably leave before I was supposed to, but rational talking would be welcome.

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Blondeshavemorefun · 28/01/2014 00:35

Of course not being allowed food and leaving bedroom door open is not normal behaviour !!!

Let alone bein tripped over and breaking wrist

Really not sure why you have stayed there that long - and didn't you research pay and have a contract stating hours and duties and board and food etc?

Always make sure you have funds to go home / get to a friends safely when you take a job abroad

Not sure granny will be much help. Contact school and police and leave asap

Glad you have for funds off someone and hope wrist better soon

splasheeny · 28/01/2014 00:06

You poor thing. You're story is really shocking.

I'm glad you are leaving. I hope all goes well.

mousmous · 27/01/2014 22:48

good luck!

yes, in case the gm doesn't show up let school/kindergarten know and the 'jugendamt'.
tbh, the cat it not a priority right now.

VoyageDeVerity · 27/01/2014 22:35

I can't believe they jumped on you and tripped you up , this is horrific... You poor girl.

expatinscotland · 27/01/2014 22:31

Pack up and call the police and SS and LEAVE. Get the cat out, too, if you can.

QueenieRae · 27/01/2014 22:22

Youngest was in bed, older ones were in their rooms. Not been a very responsible AP this evening.

Portofino -I've just been talking to ex partner who is floating me some money and will let me stay there for a few nights while I work out what to do. Pride well and truly swallowed.

A train to brussels tomorrow would cost around 230euro so it's actually surprisingly cheaper to fly home. I have to make sure its 48 hours since my cast went on though, which it will be by the time i get to the airport.

I have the numbers for the jugendamt with the help of google translate. If Oma is a no show and I cant reach the parents then the JA should help, right? I'll contact the JA and some kind of animal protection when I'm out of this house.

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ggirl · 27/01/2014 22:15

You have to eat the childrens leftovers..hope you make them nice big portions then?

BoffinMum · 27/01/2014 22:09

PS In 26 years of having APs myself we have had three nights away with APs in charge, and in each case the APs happened to be fully trained teachers or nursery nurses, so not your average AP. A week away I would never consider though, unless we had a proxy parent in place (£££).

PicardyThird · 27/01/2014 22:08

I've just told my German dh about this thread. He was saying involve Jugendamt before I'd finished.

Kindergarten should be aware that this is the course of action they need to follow, but there can be an attitude of reluctance to rock the boat and a lot will depend on who you speak to.

it's important, I think, that you involve the authorities. If those kids can break their AP's wrist and torture the family cat (and I would give the local Tierschutzbund a call about that once you are safe), I don't necessarily think their young sibling is safe with them.

LtGreggs · 27/01/2014 22:07

Be very clear to the grandmother that she will have care of the children and will need to pick up the youngest. Tell kindergarten the same. Text and email parents the same.

Seriously consider Picardy's advice re telling police or jugen people what arrangement you have made for immediate care, and general concerns that lead up to that.

Do have a think about plan B in case grandmother is a no - show or turns up drunk or something.

Good luck!

BoffinMum · 27/01/2014 22:07

Just to say I have had lots of APs over the years and some of their friends occasionally use me as a shoulder to cry on when things go wrong, but this sounds a lot of worse than any of the horror stories I have heard. I also know Germany a bit, BTW.

  1. It is unacceptable not to feed you.
  2. It is unacceptable to leave you with a broken wrist to care for children overnight.
  3. The children sound undisciplined to the point of being abusive to you, hence the broken wrist.

What would I do?
Exactly what you have planned, I think. Summon the grandparents, explain clearly the three reasons above, and leave. They are nutters.

PortofinoRevisited · 27/01/2014 22:03

Jeez are they all still up? It is 11 here after all. My dd went to bed hours ago.

PortofinoRevisited · 27/01/2014 22:00

Do you have enough money for a ticket? I had the impression you had no money til they came back?

QueenieRae · 27/01/2014 22:00

Really need to put as many kids to bed as possible so i can pack

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QueenieRae · 27/01/2014 21:59

I'll write everything down and give it to kindergarten.

I've just been talking to ex partner who is floating me some money and will let me stay there for a few nights while I work out what to do. Pride well and truly swallowed.

I have to echo pedlars... i really appreciate your advice.

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Stopfighting · 27/01/2014 21:59

Leaving ASAP is NOT cowardly.
It's taking back control and getting yourself out of an abusive situation.
Good luck!!

QueenieRae · 27/01/2014 21:56

I hope the kindergarten is sensible enough to go to social services if they think its necessary. I kind of just want to do the cowardly thing and leave

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ggirl · 27/01/2014 21:56

well done Queenie...
I am concerned about the cat tbh..suprised it doesn't scarper

PortofinoRevisited · 27/01/2014 21:55

Where will you live when you get back to UK?

PedlarsSpanner · 27/01/2014 21:55

blimey poor you OP

marvellous MN advice given, you guys are GREAT

PicardyThird · 27/01/2014 21:54

Tbh, I think IIWY I would speak to the police if only to cover your own back, in case the family makes a complaint that you 'abandoned' the children. You need to write stuff down, especially the sequence of events over the last couple of days and what the parents said to you as they left, how much warning they gave you, etc.

expatinscotland · 27/01/2014 21:54

Pack tonight, take the kids to school, relocate the cat and LEAVE. Report these fuckwits.

LtGreggs · 27/01/2014 21:52

Get packing!

VoyageDeVerity · 27/01/2014 21:50

Get the fuck out of there !

QueenieRae · 27/01/2014 21:49

Ok looks like I could make it back to UK tomorrow or wednesday.

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