Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

Separated parents- who is the contract with?

33 replies

oldsoaksally · 25/10/2013 18:10

Please could someone tell me, when in the case of two parents who have split, who is the one that the childminder 'refers to', so to speak.
There is a very long story, but the short of it is, that I employed my lovely cm 3,5yrs ago to look after my dd before and after school. I signed the contract, and I pay her. My ex did go to see cm after I hired her to meet her etc but it was me who sorted it all out. The problem I now have is that ex's wife has fallen out with my cm over a pick up/drop off issue and screamed that the cm was employed by all of us and is answerable to all of us. She has also now reported my cm to ofsted. My CM is devestated and I fear she will let me go because she cannot handle the conflict of our situation. I do not involve her in anything btw- she just doesn't want to be treated this way.

I feel so trapped by my situation. Ex's wife also gave my very first cm a hard time. Her dislike of me knows no boundaries and I don't know what to do. Does my cm have any rights here? Is she answerable to my ex even through I pay her?

TIA

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
hettienne · 28/10/2013 14:28

Agree with everyone else - you arrange care for your days, let him arrange care for his days.

The only thing to bear in mind that as he has PR, if he turns up at the CMs and wants to take his DD she can't prevent this (unless there's a court order). However, the SM has no rights to your child and the CM does not have to deal with her at all - you can tell the CM she can call the police if SM threatens her or tries to take your DD.

Kemmo · 28/10/2013 09:15

Tbh I think this is good news.
Only other option was her giving notice completely.
This way your ex is forced to take responsibility on his days and there is less need for debate and discussion.
Just tell him (in writing) that you were happy in the past to arrange child are on his contact days, but due to recent developments this is not longer possible and you expect him to make alternative arrangements.
Don't get pulled into discussion about why this is.

Good luck.
And buy your lovely CM some wine with the money that you will be saving :)

Original poster
oldsoaksally · 27/10/2013 20:57

I will follow this advice, it's excellent. Thank you so much!!!

OP posts:
MaryPoppinsBag · 27/10/2013 18:08

Well just ignore him until tomorrow, and email him letting him know your decision. And tell him he has to make his own arrangements on his days.
Be firm with him, pulling your DD out of a place that she has be for the last 3.5 years (is that right) is just cruel.

holidaysarenice · 27/10/2013 18:05

My advice and I'm not a legal person would be.

Use ur cm for ur care and pay for those sessions only. This would need a new contract with cm. In which only u can collect.
Inform ur dh that for his part he needs to arrange care for ur dd. Inform him that u have appropriate care in a stable environment for dd, with a person she loves and u are putting her needs first.

He has to pay for the care he uses. Also contact csa, if there is any suggestion he will try to cut maintenance. If u want to tell him this its up to u. He may backtrack if he thinks it will cost him a lot more.

Formally put in writing that you consider this to be damaging to ur child.

Converse by phone if u want but I think email is better.

As an aside, do the report for the cm and get a few other glowing reports. If u can have some evidence for her that they are being malicious all the better.

Original poster
oldsoaksally · 27/10/2013 17:48

It's half term thank god..:.i am so upset. My cm is an utter professional, everyone loves her. My child loves her. How could he do this?Confused

OP posts:
MaryPoppinsBag · 27/10/2013 17:35

Don't speak to him. Make him sweat. What an utter twat, Im a CM and what he and SM are doing is just ridiculous.
Is your DD due with CM tomorrow? And is he supposed to be taking her to the CM's.

Original poster
oldsoaksally · 27/10/2013 17:28

My mx is in pieces because they've said they will get her 'done' off ofsted and for 'siding' with me (wtf?)

I am terrified. He is calling me now telling me to ring him back. I don't want to speak to him as he is a bully. He wants to discuss new child care arrangements but as far as I'm concerned he is the only one that needs to make new ones.

I've been paying for this care. Paying for him to abuse my poor cm:(

OP posts:
TheDoctrineOfAnyFucker · 27/10/2013 17:24

Even if the contract was with both if you, you'd be fine to sign a new contract just for your needs (which might involve paying a retainer for the night you don't need now)

DumSpiroSpero · 27/10/2013 17:14

sorry...can't bully you.

DumSpiroSpero · 27/10/2013 17:14

I can't see how he can, but I'd suggest you try and get some fast legal advice so you know you are on solid ground and he can't you.

He and his W sound like a right pair of twats - the more back up you have the better.

Pachacuti · 27/10/2013 17:13

No, he can't (AFAIK, but I am not a lawyer). He doesn't have a contract with the cm. At least, he could try taking out a Prohibited Steps Order to stop your using that childminder, but the chances that he'd get anywhere with that are infinitesimal.

TheDoctrineOfAnyFucker · 27/10/2013 17:11

I don't believe he can.

You have arranged child care on your days. You have a contract for that childcare. Just as if he had his mum looking after DD on his days, you couldn't object, even if your exMIL always put her in front of the TV or in some other way made you uncomfortable but still provided a safe environment.

Original poster
oldsoaksally · 27/10/2013 17:04

My cm has just said she will not provide a service for my child on ex's days:(
Ex is now furious and said he will withdraw our child completely. Can he do this? On my days? Please someone answer me, I am so upset :(

OP posts:
HSMMaCM · 27/10/2013 16:58

I would get some professional advice on your maintenance payments and Childcare payments, as it looks like you are missing out.

redcaryellowcar · 27/10/2013 07:29

My initial response is that shred residency shoukd mean you and exh are responsibke for pick ups etc, cant see (as others have said) why step mother needs to be involved at all, if exh isnt available, then can you collect and do a hand over later?
I think on separate note, sounds like sm is prety vile, and i am not sure, especially if i could see my exh was not standing up to her that i would trust my dd is safe and happy in her presence, i had a sm growing up who was fine most of the time, but at others i really disliked her, my dmum was fantastic at making sure i kept a relationship going with my ddad, but think had she known how unhappy my dsis and i were she would have rathered us spend less time there, i cant remember exact details on how it all happened, but i remember my sm shouting at my usualy quite rational mother, which led to my ddad and dmum changing our hand over from mynddads house to a half way meeting point.

Original poster
oldsoaksally · 27/10/2013 01:10

ok, thats actually a good idea. I have some concerns though, please will you help me with them?
Firstly and most importantly is my child doesn't suffer with this idea. For example, ex needing to find a new cm for his time could distress her. To be honest though, ex only has an every other weekend and one night in week arrangement, so he wouldn't need to cover a lot of care. Do you think ex will be able to find another childcarer for this time, and do you think it will upset my child?

Secondly for me is that ex will not want to pay for separate care. Suddenly though this situation has hit me and makes me realise that ex has been benefitting from a care service that I PAY FOR and more importantly that him and SM are using it as a chance to attack me through my CM. How have I allowed this to happen?//// Almost now its like the last post has made me realise that using another child carer is the way to solve the problem! ( thank you to the last posters!)

So now I'm thinking how can this work?. I don't want to lose my CM any money so I will continue to pay her the full week, but tell her that her service is not required on xyz days? is that right?
Also, what shall i tell ex? The thing is.....even though he uses the CM on some of his days with dd, sometimes he doesn't - so the problem is that out of a whole month he may only use 3-4 sessions but I pay for it. I realise now that this has been a foolish mistake because both him and sm boss my cm around, demand development reports from her, email her all the time, etc etc and generally give a hard time to her. This feels liberating to me but also scary because i dont want to break any rules and I dont want to upset my child.

BTW I know if i make ex use another childcarer he will cut my childs maintence (is is only 25 per week as it is) but i think i dont care now anyway.

thanks for advice all of you!

OP posts:
NothingMoreScaryThanAHairy · 26/10/2013 21:04

I think your CM would be sensible to refuse to have your dd on the day they are collecting.

Tell your exh HE needs to find and alternative care provider for that day. (if you have shared care it IS his problem. Then your dd will not lose out completely on her positive relationship with her cm.

I would also write a letter of support for the cm touching on the difficulities between yourself the ex and his wife and how the cm has become a pawn.

HSMMaCM · 26/10/2013 20:42

I'm afraid your CM may well say she can't have your child the day they are involved. They are threatening her whole business and she could lose all her income, quite apart from any legal investigation (child protection) which may ensue.

Original poster
oldsoaksally · 26/10/2013 18:48

Does anyone know if my ex can go ahead and allow sm to collect my child give that he had shared parenting?
Also- I know from experience that my ex will now 'turn' on cm- he does exactly what his wife tells him and I've had years of grief to prove it. Legally, can I keep him away as well?xx

OP posts:
Original poster
oldsoaksally · 26/10/2013 08:08

This woman claims to love my child, but I promise you that she hates me more. There is no way ex will be able to talk sense into her. He's afraid of her.

OP posts:
minderjinx · 26/10/2013 07:31

Can you not talk some sense into your ex? Remind him that his wife is maliciously stirring up trouble and risking your daughter losing the care of a lady she loves to be with. If he cares about his own daughter HE should be putting the pressure on his wife to withdraw this ridiculous complaint.

Original poster
oldsoaksally · 25/10/2013 20:02

Do you think when I send the reference I should mention the history or what I think lead to the complaint?
Btw- I know i could garner at least 5 other amazing references from past and present clients. She is loved.

OP posts:
HSMMaCM · 25/10/2013 19:52

I agree MsPickle. It would be lovely if you could send a glowing reference to Ofsted about your CM (and give your CM a copy)

Original poster
oldsoaksally · 25/10/2013 19:51

That's good advice. Thank you.

I have a horrible feeling that right now, cm is making plans to let my dd go.

There was an incident at the childminders months ago, and dd revealed something to her that involved her dad. (Can't go into too much detail, nothing serious though) Cm told me straight away.
Ex and sm said mx had a duty to tell ex and that she broke confidentiality by not doing so. Sm is also furious because she believes that cm 'sides' with me, as it were, throughout our conflict. This is rubbish obviously- my cm is very professional but she can see that ex and his wife 'hound me' and she thinks I have a lot to deal with.
Are these grounds for complaint?

OP posts: