Almost feeling suffocated by nanny in home

Why on earth would a nanny suddenly want to register as a cm / to have children trash in her house to have to buy tons of toys etc and then be se instead of employed and lose out on sick pay /holidays / ssp

No sane nanny would agree to that moogy

Callaird - welcome :)

Hairy - sahm would see other adults as they would organise play dates / meet people

I would have done a 12hr day when I've finished today - with the exception of seeing a friend for a play and lunch (an yes same age) the nanny was the only person I've had adult contact with today - and it was for 2hrs

With exception when the dc napped (hr) and now watching ceebeebies after bath - I've spent most of the remaining 9.5hrs playing with them - jigsaw - painting - cooking - trains - dolls house - bingo - duplo etc

Of I hadn't of seen my friend for a bit of adult conversation prob would have gone mad - as would have the children with each other's company

Obv playing /entertaining /educating the children is my job but to never see anyone would be very lonely

I'M Glad you have found a nanny hairy to is happy to not have people round - but most nannies would - just as a sahm would - and the role of the nanny is to replace mum while at work

Op - you have very right to say to nanny you are happy with play dates but for them to 90% to be with similar aged children

Does your nanny go to the other child's house?

Would a CM be a better option? Then they won't be in your home at all.
Or could your nanny register as a CM and then work from her home?

Sorry but having her friends over to my home would be a deal breaker for me. Yes my nanny doesn't get much adult company but neither does a sahm! That's part of the job surely?? If she's a live in nanny that's a different story but i dont see why a live out nanny who doesn't work 7 days a week and gets to socialize evenings and weekends needs to also socialize during the day in her employers home. That's what libraries, cafes and parks are for! Op I think you need to set down some ground rules!

HairyPorter It's not the same thing at all. When you go out to work you talk to your co-workers/clients and I'm betting you will meet friends, relatives, partners for lunch occasionally.

A nanny spends 10-14 hours a day in someone's home, going out only to take the child/ren to 1-2 hour classes, the people in these groups are very rarely friends, more acquaintances. People you know enough to say hi to and ask how their children are doing. The rest of the day is spent in the house or outside with the children.

I work mainly with babies, it's quite monotonous and lonely having no-one to talk to all day, my general routine is morning group for 1-1.5 hours, home for lunch, nap til 3, 1.5 hours outside if the weather is good (or even if it is not good!) or indoor play, tea, bath and bed, I work 12 hours a day and see people for 1-1.5 hours so the other 10 hours is talking to babies who don't answer back! It's boring! It's my job and I love it but if I couldn't have people over for lunch/tea, I would go crazy. Thankfully all of my employers have been more than happy for myself and my charges to socialise with my friends and theirs.

Like I said, I wouldn't work for a family would would trust me to look after their precious children but not trust my judgement on friends. I don't invite people over I barely know, I don't invite people over who would snoop or use my employers things, I don't invite people over who I don't trust.

I understand how hard it is. I love having visitors but quite quickly want them to leave!

But as a nanny, I respect the parents privacy. I know it is their home and that I am essentially a stranger wandering around it.

I am a professional nanny, I don't go snooping through cupboards and drawers. I don't go in to the parents room/rooms unless completely necessary (I was brought up that I never went in my parents room or the sitting room without their express permission. Although I doubt my boss would be impressed with me texting her every time I needed to go into her room!) I always ask at interview that they leave me a note if there is something they don't want me to use/eat in the fridge/freezer/cupboards and I would definitely not use any of her personal products! That is very weird.

Regards to having nanny friends over, even if the children are older, your child will learn a lot from them, especially learning to share their toys if they are an only child. It needs to be reciprocal though, if her friend is eating lunch/snacks at your house, then it is only fair that they go there an equal amount. Maybe limit it to one day a fortnight.

I wouldn't take on a position where I wasn't allowed friends round, meeting them out all the time is difficult, you can't go to theirs as you can't return the offer, with our weather, meeting at the park is not always easy and then you have the added expense of soft play or a cafe or whatever.

Being a nanny is a very lonely job. Being restricted on who you can see is horrible. I have gone days not speaking to an adult sometimes, even though I make sure my charges go to classes once a day to socialise but then sometimes I feel that I am in the wrong job as I am very quiet and introverted and find it difficult to speak to strangers and make friends, thankfully there are nannies out there who are extremely extrovert and drag the quieter ones kicking and screaming gratefully into their social circle! (Yes Blondes, I am talking about you!)

If you can't change your childcare then I feel that you have to change yourself! Do you want your child to be the same way when they are older? As adults we have to change parts of our personalities to give children the best options in life. I make myself go to groups so the children can make friends. I pick up spiders and worms and bugs so that I don't give children a phobia of them. I eat foods that I do not like so that my charges will try anything so they don't become fussy eaters. Sometimes it is for the greater good!

Hy on earth is your nanny having guests at your home?!? She's meant to be at work! Not entertaining!! My nanny always asks in advance if she is meeting someone (very rare bed only of someone has forgotten keys etc) and it is never at home. You wouldn't entertain guests while you work in your office would you?! It's the same thing.

It wouldn't be unreasonable to specify that you don't want her friends coming over unless their charges are of similar age to your DC, and/or to limit the number of weekly "playdates" at your house. some nannies would dislike this, but it's just one thing so need not be a huge issue if otherwise you get on well.

You could also make your bedroom "off limits", even if place is small this should be do-able? And hange washing there!

But if nanny is overall the best childcare option, not much more you can do, other than manage your feelings about it.

Also sounds like you could benefit from working on the level of your anxiety over this and the phobia.

Everyone has underwear and washing about their house - Ikwym about people seeing it / I refuse to hang my bra /knickers on radiators downstairs and in summer always hang inside the washing line - have triangular one

Dp sometimes hangs on outside and I will remove

So can you hang on dryer upstairs in your/spare room? That's what I do. You say you have no space but the fold up airers from Argos are fab and take up no room at all

Nannies rarely go into parents rooms unless need to get something ie fav cuddly toy - but if I did then would be a reason and certainly wouldn't be nosing about - sayin that all the families I have worked for have been open and showed their bedroom etc at interview

Personally I wouldn't take a job on where I wasn't allowed people round. If the family trust me with their child they need to trust my judgement to who we see /have round etc - but as I said before should be similar ages children - tho again for the odd occasion it's good for an older one tosh are with younger and younger a love looking up to /playing with older children - just not all the time

Goldichops, you sound amazing.

Sometimes what is practically sensible is not emotionally doable. And sometimes it's ok to admit that you can't change the way you feel to make a situation work.

Maybe try a few strategies to see if you can cope, but be prepared to find another way that works for your emotions as well as your practical concerns.

Oh and I just want to add- although it's my workplace, I am still very aware that the house I work in is just that, a private residence. I feel very uncomfortable going into the parent's room, in fact in most jobs I avoid it unless necessary. In my current job they are very open-house minded and have no problem with me in their room, in fact they prefer it when I do the childrens' story time on the parent's bed. Quite uncomfortable at first but as I got to know the family, I realised how normal it was to them. None of the rooms are out of bounds. But I'm still very aware of the boundaries of private space.

I'm not sure what you mean. I'm in the house of the family I work for 12 hours a day. About 10 mins in the morning the mum is there, she helps me sort the kids out and get them out to the car for the school run. And at the end of the day we do about 15 min handover. So of a 12 hour day only 25-30 mins are me and my boss in the same house, and then yes we are in each others space because we are discussing the children.

Regarding the guests, it's hard to change something once established but you are the boss and if you don't want her to have people over, tell her. She doesn't know how you feel. I only ask other nannies over once I've gotten to know them well in public, spent enough time with them to know they are trustworthy. My boss trusts me to care for her 4 children all day, drive them, take them out and about and meet all their needs so she trusts me to be able to judge who to invite in.

And as a nanny..... don't worry about the underwear. Lots of nannies do parent's laundry too, I have a few HK friends who have to iron their boss's underwear! Everyone wears underwear, no one used to working in a private home gives it a second glance. I've worked with many breastfeeding mums and seen more boobies than Playboy, walked in on dads peeing (former boss didn't know how to lock a door, apparently!)

The only thing is communication. She doesn't know you feel this way, so she can't change. Please don't let it fester, she's only human and would probably change how she works and is around you if you let her know.

I'm so with you op, I hate having other people in my house/space, it is why I don't have a cleaner even though we drastically need one untidy buggers

Ok well you can put stuff in your bedroom so it's hidden away.
You can set rules about who can and can't visit.

Switching childcare would be a headache. I work long hours and having a nanny makes it easier as don't have to rush back and it is better for the children.

If the issue is mostly the nanny having friends over, then I think it would be fine to talk to her about it and tell her how uncomfortable you are.

I also think it would be fine to say only friends of your children can come round (children the same age) - as having over a nanny friend with a much older charge is a bit cheeky.

However, surely other nannies and children are only seeing the "public" spaces in your house - living room, kitchen. They aren't rooting around in your bedroom.

I think in your particular situation , a childminder would be the better option .

wash your underwear at the weekends.

I feel exactly the same as you but I'm a bit confused about your set up. If you are out at work all day then how can you feel suffocated in your home. Presumably when you get home from work the nanny leaves right?

I also have a full time nanny, she is absolutely not allowed to have anyone in our home, that to me is a huge security risk so I would put a stop to that now. My nanny meets people at the park etc.

I would also not allow her in personal spaces like bedrooms etc so there is your sanctuary.

I do know what you mean about people being in your personal space though, my nanny used to help herself to my personal items e.g hairspray etc, eat food I'd bought in for the kids, use the landline to call her mates etc. We tackled each of these in turn but it wasn't pleasant. I'm on maternity leave now and the first thing we did was let the nanny go, there is no way I could be in the house with someone else all day I had to hide in my bedroom to breadtfeed and it was very unpleasant.

I do feel for you. Having anyone in your home is mildly stressful and it sounds like you have a worse time accepting it than others do.

You could say that due to xyz reason you're going to have to put a brake on socialising at home for a bit. A fear of winter bugs and germs that other people might bring into your home may be something she understands or can work with you to enforce hygiene rules.

How old are your DC? Is there any way they might have feelings you could take into account about this other nanny and charge?

You're happy for her to go and meet other nannies and their charges in public places, it seems, but do you appreciate it will make play dates difficult if she can't return them? If socialising is very important, and part of that is being comfortable having people over, you may need to bite the bullet and let her get on with it.

It sounds like she has one particular friend rather than socialising with lots of people the same age.

I don't think changing childcare would necessarily compromise your DC. If you're in the UK a CM could be a very good halfway option - it's collective care so your DC are socialising but in a domestic setting and your children can easily accept play dates with others and you'll return them when you can.

I think that you are wanting to be at home with your children, that could well be part of it.

Why not just tell the nanny they can't have other people over to the house? It is your house and you can impose that rule. Nanny could meet up with others at other venues, such as parks, softplay, toddler groups. Children still get to socialise, they just don't do it at your house.

What country are you in? Are other childcare options viable, given the start/finish time that care is required? Often it is assumed that someone is in the UK but Mumsnet is international and what childcare is available worldwide varies.

If there's no way to change the situation perhaps a course of CBT would be useful.