AIBU - Au Pair

Who was looking after the DC's while you and DH spent the night at the hospital? Was it the au pair who won't help out in an emergency by any chance?

Rushing to the hospital/being in hospital is an emergency. Going to a wedding is not. She could definitely have been more helpful, but I don't think its fair to say she won't help in an emergency.

I wonder OP how you asked the au pair about the wedding etc. Your attitude at the start of this thread wasn't great. Is there any chance that the stress and upset caused you to be short or rude to the au pair and put her back up? If she is normally helpful I would wonder why she turned you down.

Forgot to say while I do feel your pain and stress it is her right to say no and you can't hold it against her that wouldn't be fair and would end up ruining your relationship with her. Maybe she has plans she can't (or just doesn't want to) change but as others have said what goes around comes around if one day she wants a day off maybe you don't want to change your plans.

I don't think you are being UR. I guess she isn't either as she has the right to say no, I am just a completely different person and would change all my plans to help out in an emergency and have just done so quite recently. DB ended up in the hospital and I cancelled my holiday straight away (MB out of country with work no family close by) I just didn't hesitate its what was needed. I was rewarded very well for being so flexible, which I tried to decline but they wouldn't hear of it, so am now actually off to buy myself a few nice presens :)

Sorry to hear about your DH, it sounds like a really stressful time. YANBU for asking, she is NBU to say no.

To all the people saying the au pair should clearly help out, would you be happy to work both days of the weekend (making for 12 straight days of work) if your boss's partner had broken his/her arm? You might, but you could also - very reasonably - say that you need the time off and perhaps the boss could hire a temp or find another workaround. And if that boss got angry and held that against you in future, it would be unfair as well as illegal.

No matter how well treated she is, she is still an employee and has the same right as any other employee. I've been an AP and loved it, and hope to employ APs in future, but I think it's important not to confuse treating someone like family with BEING family. Looking after someone else's children can be tiring, especially in a foreign language. and that time slobbing out in her room might be what keeps her able to do a good job for the rest of the week.

If you are keen to go, then is there a friend or family member who can help? Or maybe your AP has a nanny or AP friend who needs extra cash?

Yanbu to ask ap to work overtime but yabu to be cross she said no - it's her spare time

Saying that

Seems weird she said no but maybe she had plans - ie why does she have to cancel what she is doing for you - but most nannies would bend over backwards for their family (but obv is an ap not nanny)

I know you are now not going to the wedding - but if dh wasn't in an accident how would you have got there - ie you say car too small other end

If you wanted to go I would have taken all 3 kids with you - that's life - without being harsh but if you can't look after 2.5 and 2 older ones by yourself then you have a problem

Or if you wanted help to get emergency nanny and take them to wedding to help you - or leave at home with youngest who tbh wouldn't give too shits about going to a wedding but would cost you lots for 48hrs care

Sorry to hear about dh - ouch at sore ribs and broken arm :( but he is alive

So have a large glass of wine and maybe Tom take 3 kids out somewhere nice as not at wedding - plus gives dh a few hours of peace

And then have a gentle cuddle with him when all dc asleep in bed

How long has ap been with you? What would have paid her ?

Your husband may be injured but you going to a wedding, and you leaving your youngest, are NOT an emergency. You could easily take the youngest. Don't pin this on her - YABVVU.

Hmmm, this aupair, whilst well within her rights, has just squandered all her goodwill with you. Pretty shortsighted thinking on her part.

I have no doubt all the good aupairs I had in the past would step up to the plate and if they could not, would not just shrug their shoulders but call around to see whether their friends could help out.

If I had such an experience with my aupair where I was practically on my knees and she let me drown, well, what's to say that I would suddenly find myself in need of a different aupair not too far off in the future. I would also be well within my rights ...

Good luck, OP

I agree with Keemanan above. OP I know you've decided not to go but I was getting enraged on your behalf. YWNBU to ask and I would have been hurt too if she really did shrug her shoulders at the chaos. However I suspect that what may have put her off was the idea that she may have to wait on your DH too. It may all have felt a bit too much for her.

I hope you have a lovely relaxing weekend

Cake sounds like a great plan OP.

Mrsoakenshield- she said this~ Yes, happy to pay her more, money isn't the issue. Am now looking into getting an emergency day nanny to come in for the two days instead.

That is the stranger i was referring to.

Ralph - can you get some other family member to take your daughter to the wedding and look after her for the day so that she gets to do her turn? do any of them live near enough to pick her up?

No, Driz, I didn't make the decision not to go because of the au pair. I made it because I thought "if I had just broken my arm in multiple places, and my ribs and was in pain I would want my OH to be there and not at the othe end of the country, wedding or no wedding".

Did not read this part. I would not have liked DH doing this to me when I am with broken arms etc.
As a child I would have probably cried a lot. I remember mum cancelling plans. To me it was so unfair. I cried and cried as we always stayed at home at it was so boring.

Ralphsmummy
Right decision.
Can't believe lack of empathy from your mum.
DH needs you more than ANYONE else right now.
Morphine, bridesmaid dress and cake sounds like v much fun.
Agree ref skip!
Hope you all have a good weekend.

May be you should offer to pay for the whole weekend or give her extra day or two off. Talk to her. What would you do being in this situation? Would you stay? I think I would but this is just me. But I also would not go to a wedding if my husband was ill even if the kids really really wanted it.

Jesus christ

It would seem the OP will get slated no matter what she does!

OP, I'm so glad you've made the decision that works for you!

Driz because the dh is bedridden (more or less) and needs support. If the family is that bothered about a child bridesmaid they could come and get the DC and supervise them all weekend. Would probably help the op.

Your daughter is the bridesmaid? And you are not going? Wow. Just because your au pair won't look after your two year old?

I knew it! You didn't want to go really, and are secretly quite glad of the excuse! .