Kicking myself re new au pair - advice please!

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Maybe she didn't know prior to the 17 yr old announcement. Knowing 17 yrs, very likely situation!

Probably best that the 17 year old didn't put herself forward on the internet to be an aupair.Or she and her mum could have been upfront from the start re their concerns etc

Well said Sofia. My youn gest sister is 17 now and she not very worldlywise, even though she thinks she is. If she had decided to become an au pair for the summer in Italy, where we live, I woud be inspecting the place of work to ensure she was safe and secure. I'm not an overprotective parent BUT in this day and age its better to be safe than sorry. I sure you agree fistfull, no?

However you ended up inthis situation you are clearly not happy about it. I think you could just make an excuse, and book mother into a hotel.

I would feel better getting to know new Au pair and establishing a bond when mother is at a distance i have had similar experience with an Au pairs eldest sister, in hindsight I would have invited her sister maybe 2 months later, when i got to know my Au pair better. They were constantly talking in polish at the dinner table obviously about the kids and us, it was difficult trying to explain our routine ect.

I agree completely with chandra. What country does this aupair come from. I do think you aren't making enough allowances for how different cultures communicate. I am an Italian American and while I lived in England, I found myself forever insulting people with my "forwardness." Generally I was just asking for things in the way I would be expected to do so in either Italy or the USA. If I had a spare bedroom and my aupair's parents were coming to town and booked into a local hotel without asking for a recommendation, I would have been insulted that they didn't ask me for a recommendation and upset that they were spending money on a hotel when they could have stayed with me and hadn't even given me the opportunity to offer them a room. It's all about culture! How abou the possibility that the last aupair (the crying one) was overwhelmed by the "reserve" of the english and found herself not knowing what was expected of her because it didn't fit into her culture. I lived in london for a year when I was 17 and I found it really difficult to grasp what people really meant when they said things to me (and I was an extremely well travelled 17 year old from a bi-culture family).

I also think that meeting the aupair's mother may tell you a lot about the au pair. If she has a strong, healthy relationship with her mother, then chances are she will be a good "mother" to your children as she has had a good example to follow. Also, I think it's very wise that the mother is coming to inspect the place where here 17 year old daughter will be staying for the next 3 months. You said that you found her on the internet (?). How does this mother know that you are really a woman with children and not some male pervert, tricking her daughter into coming out to england?

You're obviously really nervous about this and I don't blame you, I wouldn't fancy the situation either. It's hard not to worry about people judging you and your situation because people generally do just that, don't they? We all do if we're honest and you're reliant on your au pair so I understand it's all a bit fraught.

You are offering the girl a safe place to stay whilst she practices her English in return for some help with the children, in the home. It's a fair deal. It doesn't matter whether your home is luxurious, whether you have a car or whether there is a man in the house.

Have they arrived yet? How are your first impressions? Come back and let us know how you're getting on when you find time. Good luck with it all.

Agree with Earlybird, you were not maneuvured into it, you offered.

As for telling the woman to "get a life", that seems a bit harsh. I agree with the other posters - if my dd was going to another country to live with a family at 17, I would definitely want to know that everything was OK. I would also prefer to stay in a hotel as opposed to a foreign family I had never met!

My friend had the mother and father of her nanny staying for 4 days!,it was fine honestly.
Your bad experiences have obviously made you anxious but it might be ok.
I expect an aupair is the best option for you,especially if you are a single mum.Have you had any good ones?
I am thinking when i go back to work about employing an aupair.
Don't panicand do let us know how it goes.

Umm - you weren't maneuvured into it....she asked for a recommendation (perfectly normal thing to do in an unfamiliar place), and you volunteered your home. And now you're having second thoughts about your impulsive offer.....

Think you need to take a deep breath, as you're coming across anxious,suspicious, and even paranoid... as they say in America, chill out!

What I can't understand is why, after having so many dreadful experiences with au pairs, do you insist in having one.

Sorry,but i'm not really getting this...
You are concerned about what the girl's mother will think,so ok,fair enough,but something here tells me you might not be offering a very good deal to the au pair-it's just that she doesn't know it yet.
Maybe I'm wrong,but something stinks.
You're not one of those employers who makes their au pairs work from morning till night for next to nothing,are you?

Erm... when I ask for hotel recommendations to people who are not my friends that's what I get (And I would hate to stay with them as well, I don't fancy sharing my holidays with strangers TBH) ... and that's what I offer to people I don't know well. I think the idea of the scheming mother is slowly growing in your mind, she may be all those things but I think that you are building your own monster in your own head.

I come from a culture where people has to repeat the invitation 3 times before you can assume is not just a question out of politeness. DH comes from a culture where people says what they mean. Perhaps she may be worrying at home that if she had say no she might have offended you and could have caused troubles for her DD?

Ok you've made bad experiences with au pair mothers before. What went wrong then?

Now, for the positive side: You have a positive impression of the au pair herself and that is the most important thing. Her mother being there will help ease her in to her new surroundings. It's a shame you can't communicate directly with the mother, but then again that could also be a blessing.

So she'll be in your home for 2 days. Plan ahead a bit now and structure that time, so it doesn't end up getting you down. Just little things, walk around the area you live, go to a little teashop, leave her to do some shopping with dd and pick them up 2 hours later. Take them to one nice place of interest near you if you want to.

If I were in the aupair mother's shoes, I would be most interested in seeing that the woman she was staying with was warm and kind and that my daughter was being treated like an elder daughter and not a maid. That's all really. Hope it goes well for you. Good luck

it's a risk you have to take really, i would be worried, but then if my daughter was going to another country aged 17, i would be worried.

there are probably alot of horror stories about people working in the uk. i would be welcoming and see what happens

i agree that the mother is maybe reassuring herself about her daughter and will pleased that you are a nice family.

However, i would not be comfortable with Au pair plus mother. I find it very stressful for the first few day when a new A-P arrives...from my experience the kids behaviour is at is worse and it takes a week for this to settle down

If it was my house, Au pairs mother would be relieved about staying in a Hotel after first encounter with my kids.

I think you are making too many asumptions, and tbh, is not that the woman planned to stay with you, you invited her. FWIW many people buy flight tickets in advance and then book the hotel (I do it all the time as it's easier to find a reasonable hotel than a drop dead cheap flight).

If you are not so happy, just stop get worked out about this, find a reasonable hotel or 2 (not too far not too expensive, you can check in Lastminute.com), and ring her saying that after you offered your house you realised that there would be not so much space, you have other visit staying that weekend (that hypothetical visit may cancel at any time ), etc. and in order to make her stay more "comfortable" you have found such and such hotels.

I think it will be OK, at the moment the poor woman should be thrilled about what a nice woman her daughter is to stay with but may be that she would preffer the privacy and freedom from other people's needs a hotel stay allows.

oh snap Mary P, crossed posts..

Well you have to just make the best of it now I think. Feel sorry for you.

If they're from Russia, you could have a fun weekend ahead... There are some countries (Eastern Europe particularly) though where young women get these offers to work somewhere in summer, think it is all above board and then it turns out they get forced into sex slavery. Just my guess, if they're from Eastern Europe, that the mum wants to be very sure of what dd is getting into. Understandable really. I'd do the same in that situation.

It's just a job for the summer, so what would be the point in them leaving again? Difficult for the mother too, since she's partaking of your hospitality.

Not being funny or anything, if I were sending my 17yr old dd to another country I would want to KNOW everything is A okay. Especially since alot of these sex slave scams are done through using au pair jobs as front. When speaking to the mother please try to ensure she knows her daughter is safe and not about to disappear!!!!