New nanny. Would this comment worry you.

You sound very experienced I totally agree

I'm a nanny and have often been part of a situation like this.

Every child, parent, nanny and parenting style is different and I don't think that either yes or no is the right answer to this - everyone has to decide for themselves what they find works best. Of course a mother wants to pick her baby up and cuddle him when he cries but this is the age when they start to realize what they a doing and what reactions their behavior causes. I was with my first little one all day every day including weekends for 2 years from birth so we had a very good relationship and mum and I were kind of on the same level. I am lovely and kind but firm and all my kids know that. Meal times are never really a problem - except if a parent is around. Children know how different people react each in a different way and they will start to use that knowledge at a certain age. For example with my little one if we were alone she would always eat happily. Mum coming in you could see her facial expression and then changing behavior, starting to throw food etc and mum would go and get her the much loved cheese which is what she wanted to have and she got it.

Your baby needs time to adapt to a new face but once he is used to that he will have to understand that that person will look after him and be more than just a person who's around sometimes with mum always next to him which he will only learn if you are not around. I would suggest a few days, maybe a week, with both of you around but every day you leaving them alone for a while slightly increasing the amount of time every time i.e. starting with just going out to get some groceries for 20 mins, then maybe 2 hours and so on. I find that it is best when mum is around for the most important things (especially bed time) for at least a week for security so baby doesn't think that the new person will be the new mum but just a new playmate and mummy will always come back at the end of the day.

I find it quite helpful to take new babies out for activities I.e. play groups where they are distracted and can concentrate in playing with the new playmate instead of sitting at home and looking for mum all the time. This can also teach them to trust the new nanny I.e. when they fall over she is there to catch them etc

Good luck, children get used to new things quickly - the most important thing is your gut feeling and make sure to show your baby that YOU like the new nanny and trust her so he sees that it is ok and he can like and trust her too.

Food is also an area that is controllable by a parent in their absence. I think that is a major part of why some nanny employers get particularly hung up on this one issue. As a working parent you can't easily control what your child does or even when they sleep as there are so many variable factors. It is possible though to be very prescriptive about what your child is given to eat.

You know I've been thinking about this thread and the other one about not making a new meal and really in neither case is the nanny 'wrong'. Your nanny doesn't have a fundamentally flawed understanding of developmental psychology although she might not be expressing/explaining it well and yes, her professional communication is a little on the didactic side but your approach just happens to differ from hers in your general attitude to food but she won't know that unless you explain it. Whether it would worry someone or not depends on the relative importance of many factors.

Food can be such an emotive topic and differ so wildly between families that it's not surprising it's often the source of problems. Most interview questions are around healthy eating and what nannies would prepare unless you know you have a child with particular needs or tendencies.

I think you are definitely right and not nanny. I would be worried by her comment, although I think she can make suggestions if she does it sensitively. She could have said, "have you tried such and such, it has worked for me" if she thought you were having difficulty.

It's up to you to choose the parenting style. People obviously have different views from this thread, but there is no way that your approach is wrong or should be ignored by the nanny. It is up to you to say to her "this is how we do things" rather than the other way round.

Personally, I would feed a 10 month old if they were hungry (within reason, not if it interrupted something you were doing with other children or similar) and not worry too much about "times" for snacks.

Mind you, I would give my nearly 5 year old a piece of fruit if she was hungry because if I was hungry I would eat one. I think it's about healthy eating rather than making meal times into a battle of wills.

I don't have any comment about the settling in period because I have never experienced this with a Nanny. Two days isn't very long though - I wouldn't have expected them to bond within that time.

..wow. .. :-o

I always find posts like this weird. ofc nanny wasn't right.

Nannies aren't there to dictate a new parenting style. .it needs to be fluid and consistent. You find a nanny to suit you and then discuss any particular issues between you so that you are both in agreement and on the same page.

using the word manipulation is horrible imo, and if I were boss id be having a hard time not worrying.

Ive always had 1-2 weeks of 'settling in' with mum around. Yes its unusual for babe to just suddenly take to you in that time but I think it gives me time bto observe their parenting. . give baby time to recognise me in a familiar and safe environment and a decent time for us to get to know each other...for the exact reason the op posted this...she obviously said all the right things in her interview?

Manipulation was a poor choice of word imo but I don't think she was wrong.

I'm surprised she suggested a long handover, most nannies want anything but so they can get on and bond with the children.

Manipulation at ten months?! Eh I don't think so your nanny needs some training in infant brain development.

There seems to be a mixture of opinions on this... some would pick up baby, others would not.

Ultimately I feel it comes down to the match between nanny and parents, you either want someone who will do things in a similar way to you, or you want someone who will do things differently. Up to you which works for you.

If you want things done your way, then say so. Nanny isn't a mind reader so does not know if you are unhappy about something.

I think it's a question of schools of thought whether you would use the term "manipulating". I wouldn't, and wouldn't have been happy with someone being my child's main non-parental carer who used it.

But, we have always favoured quick handovers, now at school, my boy waves me off, and is baffled as to why the other parents hang around so much. Even being dropped off at Grannie's, I get asked "when are you going to work. Bye now."

A nanny needs to bond with a baby esp of the clingy 10mth age so having a 'hands off approach' for first week is crazy.

Wonder why a nanny would advise that

How old are your other children?

The food issue / yes obv comfort a crying baby - but again babies need to know that meal times are for eating - if they don't want the food then missing a meal won't starve them - esp if has afternoon milk - but personally I would then give next meal a bit earlier

You need to let the nanny bond and as other have said babies sense if parents are about and winge play up

It depends on your parenting style... I'd have been horrified if this had been said about my 10 month old baby, but then I'm quite a crunchy, hippy, attachment parenting type of mum ... I saw nothing wrong with giving my baby cuddles during meals, so would have wanted child career to follow my lead and also offer cuddles. But that's just my style of parenting which works for me, yet not for others. If it really makes you uncomfortable to have your child treated like this then mention it to the nanny and also how you would have dealt with it/like her to deal with it in the future.

For example I know our current au pair is baffled that we don't use timeouts as punishments, (we do time ins instead) but she is happy to follow our method, we just had to explain it clearly to her (I think she'd watched a couple of episodes of nanny 911 to prepare for the job and was initially quite shocked that we roll differently in our house).

Babies absolutely do learn to manipulate adults by 10 months of age - typically 6-8 months is when they learn how to elicit specific, desired reactions, so her comment wouldn't bother me. I think she was probably correct.

What would bother me much more is how long you're planning on dragging out this handover. DS is never going to bond with the nanny if you're around like this - of COURSE he prefers you and is unsettled by your shared presence! And of course he hasn't warmed up to the nanny after 2 days... it can take a couple of weeks, particularly at this age, and longer if mom stays around for a while. He knows now that nanny is trustworthy, because he's seen you together, so now is the time to leave and let the two of them get on with their bonding.

At 10 months I would probably suggest a quick handover because separation anxiety is at a peak then, although all babies are different and it isn't always an issue. With a much younger baby a long handover is fine as they will get used to a new person gradually without finding it confusing or upsetting.

I've been the nanny in this situation and it's hard. Even when well settled with me usually babies can get distressed if a parent is around but trying to work from home or get on with jobs around the house. Basically if they know a parent is there but is not responding to them as they would like. It's understandable from the baby's point of view.

Out of interest why did you choose to follow the handover pattern you did?

There are advantages to long handover and advantages to short ones, but to deliberately separate the nanny from the child who most needs to form a bond due to their developmental stage and who needs to see their mother supporting and accepting a new caregiver seems a little odd.

i would be worried. i think at 10 months it's fine to pick up a baby when they are in distress (in fact i think it's crazy not to). and then not letting them eat when they're hungry is a dangerous game to get into with young children (basically withholding food to create obedience).

I would think the baby was crying because she is unsettled by the presence of the nanny. I think there is research to show that a short and sweet handover between careers reduces separation anxiety, or at least the visible signs of it. It is probably making things worse having you around. It's establishing a pattern of behaviour whereby your baby cries when she sees the nanny, and I'm guessing this is happening quite a few times a day. If you were not there the crying would be once in the morning, wouldn't last long, and the two could build a proper bond.

I would have a concern about the terminology though, but that's me being very picky. It's not manipulation, it's learning about cause and effect and that their behaviour has consequences as well as an impact on other people's behaviour. Manipulation is a pretty advanced term for a 10mo.

It's a tough one. You say they were crying for no reason but distraught but still hungry. Was there an underlying reason you could discern by picking them up? Nappy needed changing? They bit their tongue and needed comfort? Or were they just bored?

If it was boredom then I probably would have tried to continue without taking them out, but offering a yoghurt or something different. If that failed and they were just experimenting with their power to refuse food I'd have taken them out and finished the meal. They will learn at 10mo that playing up gets them out of the chair until they want to go back. They will also learn that they can refuse food but they then don't have any. A good nanny would also have managed the next feed appropriately offering more/earlier.

If it was needing a change I'd have done that and continued.

If they'd hurt themselves it would have been quick cuddle and back in.

So I don't think there's a clear rule, but equally nanny should be respecting your wishes and if finishing what's in their plate is more important than them learning mealtimes are mealtimes and have defined boundaries then that's your decision.