I HATE being an au pair.

And it's not really even a childcarer. An "au pair" can be contracted to perform duties which are not childcare. She might be asked to do the family's laundry, or cook a meal for everyone, or a million other domestic duties.

I realise the matter is dabable, but I ind life in simpler, clearer, and everyone is happier if we write a contract and sign up to an emplyer/employee relationship.

It is obviously not everyone's cup of tea. But it works for me.

I also find that state of the art smart phone and posh gym membership go a long way to building a happy relationship. Apparently, all the other "au pairs" are jealous.

The classification of au pair doesn't exist any more though, so it is just a Home Childcarer, which can mean many things.

I don't think British people working in the UK can be classed as au pairs.

I agree with Strix. At the end of the day, you don't go waltzing into a childs life and then walk out within a few weeks, it's not fair on them. OP should have though it through properly. Leaving because staying would cause problems, fair enough, but leaving because you didn't think things through knowing that you had a partner at home.

FWIW it's how I got into nannying, taking an AP job in the UK, was more of a mother's help job anyway. I stayed with my family a year, which is what was intended from the start.

I think my comments are fair. OP appears to me to be wallowing in her own self pity without any consideration for the family who will have undoubtedly put a lot of time, effort, and cost into hiring her.

I wonder what their view is?

Why on earth didn't you think this through before accepting the job?

5hrs away from friends and family really isn't that bad and you could travel home or meethalf way at weekends

there are times when I don't see my oh for a week as I work nights and he works days and never in the house at the same time - it happens - its work - we call each other - yes I miss him but it not forever and as I said its a job

If I were the family I would be annoyed

Glad you have handed your notice in and hope you think carefully before accepting another job

So basically there isn't a legal definition (unless you're an A2 national) but even going on what the gov.uk site is passing off as a definition most of them are related to being a foreign national....

None of that really helps you, OP, in deciding what to do. I don't get the impression that you're going to walk out on them but neither do I think this is a goer for you so you need to talk to them, and accept that they'll be upset, but find a way forward.

I'd be cautious about relying on the info on that site. The info is founded on nothing but erased legislation and 'custom'. In fact there's case law stating the opposite (see Justice Burnton's judgement, upheld at appeal here) with particularly interesting implications for EEA nationals:

'In a letter dated 3 May 1995, the Immigration and Nationality Department stated:
?Au pairs

6.​An EEA national who is working in the UK is of course considered to be exercising a Treaty right here. Because au pairs are in receipt of payment for their services (a combination of payment in kind and pocket money) our practice is to treat them as workers (whether female of male!) and to issue them, on application, with a residence permit. That an individual was working as an au pair would not be indicated on the residence permit, in the same way that we do not identify type of employment on permits issued to workers in other forms of employment.?'

So in 20 years there's been a u-turn unsupported by any kind of legislation. In fact anything that might have supported it (the au pair scheme and visas, residence permits etc) has been systematically removed.

And in any case the guidance comes from the now defunct au pair scheme which only applied to foreign nationals anyway so I agree it's impossible to argue that the OP qualifies.

Living with a family only exempts you from minimum wage, not being part of the wider labour force (with attendant rights). Equally earning under the threshold means they don't need to operate PAYE and make deductions but doesn't stop you being employed. 25 hours work a week is economically significant, especially when you consuder that for 16-24 year olds and those with children meaningful employment is as of 16hours work per week.

I was looking at this.

I don't think there necessarily is a legal definition of an au pair, and workers living in the family home/as part of the family don't qualify for minimum wage.

What hours are you working? I'm not convinced that you are legally an "au pair" and it seems to me that if you aren't an au pair you might be entitled to the minimum wage. That suggests that you are being taken for a ride by the family.

They probably arnt stupid and know your unhappy, just explain, apologise, don't be shocked if they get hacked off and give notice.. Don't give 20 minutes notice like my last one and then get shocked when I'm angry !!

If it affecting your health then sometimes you do have to put yourself first. If you can stand it for another month then give a months notice. If you're on the verge of a breakdown then give a week. Tbh, you're not gonna be giving a decent standard of care when you feel like a zombie so it might be best to leave sooner rather than later.

I worked in a similar job to what yours sounds like when I first started working as a nanny. No contract, paid £150 a week (cash in hand, no tax paid etc), called an 'au pair' but am English and was working in England, worked 60 hours a week - and sometimes more when the parents didn't bother coming home for 36hours at a time. They did this without letting me know, they just left me with the kids with no explanation, it caused me so much stress that in the end I constantly felt sick and wasn't eating or sleeping properly.
I didn't have a contract so knew I legally only had to give 1 week notice, but I gave 2. The dad physically threatened me and said I needed to give 4. I stood up for myself (for once) and got the hell out of there after the 2 weeks.

Some parents do just want cheap childcare and really don't care about taking advantage of people.

Op, are you paid cash in hand? Are the parents set up as employers? (even though you are paid below the tax threshold I think they should still be paying your NI contributions). If you're not having things done legally then the parents don't sound like great people anyway so I wouldn't be bothered about giving them too much notice.

Really hope your situation gets better for you.

I have a rough idea how you feel Op.

I worked as a Live In, Temporary assistant to Matron for a Term in a boys Prep (boarding) school when I was in my late Teens, 25+ yrs ago,
Had never lived away from home before
I worked long hours for very little pay, a lot less than your weekly pay.
It was only 7 miles from my parents Home, I didnt drive, and I hated it.
I was very shy, Found it hard to talk to people/make friends,
I dont think Ive ever felt so low or so unhappy.
I was so glad when the job finished.

Prehaps a 'Live in' job is not for you.
I agree with Nom, if a job in Childcare is what you want, prehaps stick it out for a little longer? Difficult when you feel low I Know, but it is experiance in the long run.

Well the high court and the ECJ ruled that they were, so if it came to a court case precedent is firmly with the au pair. Plus the 'au pairs aren't employees' references people coming from another country for the cultural/language benefit (despite - in the absence of an official scheme - that going directly against the principle of free movement of labour and equality for EU citizens). So if you take that out there's no way you can really argue that a British person in Britain isn't an employee.

You do have 2 months to provide a written statement but until there is a written statement the statutory minimum notice applies.

£100 + room + board is probably cheaper than paying a childminder or other form of childcare, so while it's still a substantial amount the intangible benefit that 'tops up' to make it worth it for an au pair just isn't there. The scheme's just not designed for people to do in their own country - it's a live in nanny on a 25(?) hour contract but being paid less than the going rate.

Personally I think you are jumping the gun a bit! You are home sick we all get home sick! 3 weeks isn't really giving it much of a go!

I'm not sure £100 a week plus room and board necessarily constitutes cheap childcare. Depends how many hours are in there.

This family has put a lot of time, money, and personal investment into hiring you, and now you are leaving on short notice. I see this as you letting them down,mostly.

If you were my au pair, and you walked before I had a reasonable amount of time to replace you (about a month), I would be very annoyed indeed.

I always provide a contract, but I'm not sure it islegally required with au pairs. It is debatable whether they are employees or not. I prefer to treat them as scuh (and expect them to behave as such). But, not sure we can say this family has broken the law by not doing so. And in fact, I thought the law for an employment contract wa one month after start of job. I may be out of date on this though so feel free to correct me if I am wrong.

Well that's their own fault for not providing you with a contract when they're legally obliged to in one way but letting them down isn't a particularly nice thing to do.

The experience of being an au pair in your own country is never going to be the same as doing it abroad. You don't have the excitement of a new culture and language and lots of new things to see. You don't get the same camaraderie with other au pairs. You're not going out to language lessons to make friends. You don't need a surrogate family. You're basically providing cheap childcare.

So if you were actually interested in au pairing or working with children I'd tell you to go abroad or stick it out so you can get a nanny job in the future, but it seems that neither of those things floats your boat so just sit down with the family, say you're unhappy but will stay until they find someone else as long as they pay you and then go back home.

Gosh I thought being an au pair was all about experiencing another country and improving another language in exchange for child care, but if I read your op right, you are English in England?! So are they just using you for cheap child care? What are you supposed to be getting out of the experience?!

If you have no contract then you probably only have to give a week's notice - are you paid weekly? If you are worried about them not paying then I wouldn't risk giving lots of notice.