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Original poster

Not sure what to think about this....

156 replies

HeadFairy · 23/08/2013 10:48

I started work early this morning so left before our nanny came. Dh left once she'd arrived. He got half way down the road when he remembered he'd left a vital document at home so went back to get it. As he arrived he saw our nanny taking her dd (whom she brings to work with her) and wearing her coat and carrying her bag back to her car. Dh said she looked "sheepish" and said she was looking for her phone as she couldnt' find it. She apparently went back in to the house, left her dd and her bag and then went back out to her car to look for her phone. Dh says the front door was double locked and he's convinced she was going to drive back to her house (5 mins away by car) to look for her phone leaving our kids alone at home (they're 5.11 and 3.7).

I can't stop thinking about it. How on earth do I get to the bottom of what she was doing? If she was just popping out to her car to search her car why did she have her coat on, was carrying her dd and had her bag with her, and why was the front door double locked? If I ask her outright if she was going to leave my children alone in the house she will deny it.

Of course, nothing actually happened, does it matter that it appears the intent was there?

I don't want to drip feed so I will mention she's had form for this sort of thing in the past and I gave her a warning it must never happen again. Last time it wasn't malicious in the slightest, just poor judgment.

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Original poster
HeadFairy · 23/08/2013 12:26

SPB I know, that's what troubles me more :(

I want to give her the benefit of the doubt, maybe her dd was being clingy and she couldn't even go out the front door without her yelling, maybe she took her bag with her because her car keys were in her bag and she just grabbed it, maybe she double locked the front door because ds can open the door if it's just on the Yale lock, maybe she had her jacket on because she was chilly (it was 8.30).....

But it doesn't look good. However, I would never sack someone on my gut feeling. That's just not fair. I would be outraged if someone sacked me because their gut feeling told them I wasn't right.

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Viviennemary · 23/08/2013 12:25

I didn't see the shop incident before. She does not have sound judgement and I don't think she should be in charge of children. But on the other hand she took her own child so her judgement was sound enough there. Very very bad indeed.

SPBisResisting · 23/08/2013 12:20

"But I know in her heart she's a good person. She cocked up once, and she was mortified"
But is she? She obviously didn't think it was safe to leave her own DD (the same age as your youngest) at yours while she popped back so she knows it is not appropriate.

Original poster
HeadFairy · 23/08/2013 12:09

Thank you ruey and outraged for your considered and thoughtful comments.

I have started looking around on nannyjob just in case I need to find someone quickly.

I can't pop back to make a sandwich, I work 90 minutes away from home. I'm going to speak to my mum this afternoon, she's out at the moment at a hospital appointment. She knows our nanny too, if her gut is feeling the same as mine I'll send her over there this afternoon. I was due on shift all this weekend and bank holiday monday, thank God it's been changed. I've got some breathing space as our nanny won't be back in with us until Thursday next week

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lborolass · 23/08/2013 11:56

I think you're being a bit OTT Leopoldina.

The OP can't necessarily just drop everything and leave work. She knows the nanny and the situation best and I'm sure she's weighed up the options and is happy that her children are safe for the rest of the day.

Even if the nanny was planning to pop out this morning I'd be willing to bet she certainly won't be putting a foot wrong today now she knows she's been rumbled. I'd guess that obs she can take her child to are few and far between and she won't want to risk loosing it.

I'd definitely reserve judgement until speaking to the children. If this had happened before I'd have thought it would have come out in conversion.

whatsleep · 23/08/2013 11:53

I agree, it's important that either you or your DH gets home pronto to ensure that your children are safe. Your not popping back to make a sandwich it's important therefore and manager would surely understand and allow you or DH to go? Your nanny appears to have no concept of safety and who knows what other risks she takes that you are unaware of. Please please one of you, down tools and get home, you will never forgive yourselves if something were to happen.

rueyrichardson · 23/08/2013 11:51

A similar situation occurred with our (now ex) nanny, ie a possible poor judgement call, that I felt very uncomfortable with. My gut told me it was wrong, but due to the emotive situation (nannies look after our most precious cargo) it was hard to make a sound judgement myself. If your boss thinks that she has evidence of an error on your part at work, though, it's discussed and the due process is followed, isn't it? You and your nanny both deserve for similar to happen here. Good luck, you are not alone trying to manage these difficult problems amongst the rigours of your day job Thanks

Bambamb · 23/08/2013 11:51

Gosh Leopoldina why are you going off on a tangent about whether or not the OP can leave her job at short notice? You don't know what she does, you come across as very nasty and a bit bitter to be honest.

Viviennemary · 23/08/2013 11:50

It would be more or less impossible to discover for certain whether or not she intended to go back to her own house. It sounds to me that she was intending to do this. For your own peace of mind I wouldn't continue with this nanny. Especially as it looked as if she was taking her own DD with her. Shock

OutragedFromLeeds · 23/08/2013 11:47

I remember the shop thread.

It's not looking good for the nanny, but I'm not sure the call the police/sack her immediatley is practical. Being outside on the drive with a bag isn't a crime or a sackable offence. You need to investigate further. I'd start by asking her outright what happened and watching her response.

Iwaswatchingthat · 23/08/2013 11:43

Oh dear headfairy what a nightmare.

I understand you don't want to upset her as you are all so interlinked within your lives - location, nursery etc. Plus you say she is kind.

BUT, you would never forgive yourself if something happened to your precious ones whilst in her care.

She has done this to herself - you have not done this to her. She might be a nice person, but she is not capable of doing her job. Would she live her dd in a shop alone?

Begin looking for other options. Give her notice. Be strong - get your DH to talk to her too since he saw the incident. Would it be easier if her dealt with it altogether?

Good luck.

Leopoldina · 23/08/2013 11:41

even air traffic controllers have deputies / subs / backup. Seriously, people understand that families have emergencies that need dealing with. Given that you are much, much more important, can't DH deal with your children today?
You're asking a question with what seems to be an obvious answer but you're incredibly defensive of the nanny in a way that suggests you won't do anything to cause potential awkwardness at the school gate next year (which presumably the new nanny will deal with anyway, since you're doing your v important job).

drinkyourmilk · 23/08/2013 11:40

I would ask your children (both should be able to tell you what they know) and I would ask her outright. I would also speak to CAB and your employer insurance people to find out where you stand legally.
I would be livid if I were you, and would find another nanny.

Surely most childcarers think "safety first!"

Original poster
HeadFairy · 23/08/2013 11:38

I know ruby :(

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Rugbycomet · 23/08/2013 11:34

The other thing to mention is that it appears she doesn't mind leaving your children but appears to not to want to leave her own child!!! Very odd behaviour....

Original poster
HeadFairy · 23/08/2013 11:32

Leopoldina I do indeed do something much much more important than just shuffling paper round a desk (but it's not open heart surgery, I'll admit that much) so I absolutely cannot walk out of work now without there being no job to come back to on Monday.

I'm dithering around because I personally know her, which does make a difference. if I was reading a thread like this about someone I didn't know I wouldn't hesitate to say the same thing as you, and say she needs to go. But I know in her heart she's a good person. She cocked up once, and she was mortified. I have no evidence she did anything wrong this time, but your reactions make me realise that it wasn't just me being suspicious. The circumstances obviously look suspicious to everyone, not just me.

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NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 23/08/2013 11:29

I don't think there can be any doubt what she intended to do. She left the house, double locked the door, put her coat on and had her bag!

If she'd meant to look for the phone, she'd simply have run out in her ordinary clothing without her DD and bag!

I wouldn't trust this woman again. She's done one thing which made you have doubts already....2 times is too many....you may end up regretting giving her a 3rd chance OP....get rid. Your children are too precious.

valiumredhead · 23/08/2013 11:21

She's already left a 4 yr old in a shop? She needs to go. Not sure why you are dithering about it.

Leopoldina · 23/08/2013 11:21

she left a four year old in a shop and it hadn't occured to her that it might not be right to leave him? I'm pretty astonished she's still your nanny. If her judgement is that poor that she didn't even realise that was inappropriate, she shouldn't be in charge of your children. Can you really not just skip out of work now and go and deal with this?

Unless you're scheduled to carry out open heart surgery today, this really is more important than shuffling paper round a desk.

Original poster
HeadFairy · 23/08/2013 11:20

It's all a right balls up, because if I do have to sack her, her daughter goes to the same nursery as my dd, and we'll see each other every day, and she'll probably end up going to the same school next year too.

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GoAndAskDaddy · 23/08/2013 11:18

Get rid. If you are even thinking she might have done this you need to re-look at your childcare arrangement.

Original poster
HeadFairy · 23/08/2013 11:18

I havne't spoken to ds yet as I'm at work, I'm not likely to get home before he goes to bed. But dh is going to try and have a gentle word with him without putting words in his mouth.

I don't want to accuse her of something she hasn't done. I can't report to the police because she didnt' actually do anything wrong. She might have done if dh hadn't turned up, but I have no proof.

She's a nanny so she's not Ofsted registered.

Previously she left dh in a toy shop looking at toys while she went to a shop next door to buy a personal item. He was 4 at the time. She was really upset that she'd done the wrong thing, it hadn't occured to her that it might not be right to leave him as she was only next door. I told her it could never happen again. No matter how much ds persuaded her he was capable of looking after himself. He's not old enough to make those calls.

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MikeOxard · 23/08/2013 11:17

I'd ask outright. If you don't believe her then say so and get rid. I would not have her looking after my kids.

AntoinetteCosway · 23/08/2013 11:13

Yes, ask your DC and then ask her and see if the stories match up.

valiumredhead · 23/08/2013 11:06

Ask her straight out why the door was double locked and take it from there.