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Original poster

Not sure what to think about this....

156 replies

HeadFairy · 23/08/2013 10:48

I started work early this morning so left before our nanny came. Dh left once she'd arrived. He got half way down the road when he remembered he'd left a vital document at home so went back to get it. As he arrived he saw our nanny taking her dd (whom she brings to work with her) and wearing her coat and carrying her bag back to her car. Dh said she looked "sheepish" and said she was looking for her phone as she couldnt' find it. She apparently went back in to the house, left her dd and her bag and then went back out to her car to look for her phone. Dh says the front door was double locked and he's convinced she was going to drive back to her house (5 mins away by car) to look for her phone leaving our kids alone at home (they're 5.11 and 3.7).

I can't stop thinking about it. How on earth do I get to the bottom of what she was doing? If she was just popping out to her car to search her car why did she have her coat on, was carrying her dd and had her bag with her, and why was the front door double locked? If I ask her outright if she was going to leave my children alone in the house she will deny it.

Of course, nothing actually happened, does it matter that it appears the intent was there?

I don't want to drip feed so I will mention she's had form for this sort of thing in the past and I gave her a warning it must never happen again. Last time it wasn't malicious in the slightest, just poor judgment.

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Original poster
HeadFairy · 23/08/2013 13:31

I'm going to see what ds says.... if he says anything that makes me more suspicious then I will ask to see her over the weekend and talk to her properly about it.

I do shifts that I can only leave if I'm physically ill or there is an emergency. Unfortunately as it's a 3 hour round trip I can't pop home to check on her. I'm going to speak to my mum now and see what she thinks...

OP posts:
Nannyowl · 23/08/2013 13:29

OP you need to have a chat with her tonight. Ask her outright, were you going to drive home? Maybe she was only popping to the car to look in it. If she knows you occasionally leave the children to get bits out of the car this would be reasonable; as long as the house if safe, no open fires, oven on etc. Not ideal obviously.
If you are happy with her in other ways then maybe you could arrange for your mum to pop around, leave work early yourself on a few occasions. But your children would probably tell you if she did anything very different to you.

Belugagrad · 23/08/2013 13:28

You're never going to know what her plan was this morning so you have to go with your gut on this one.

For me its a no brainer, you'll forgive yourself if it ends your childs friendship and you'll forgive yourself if sacking her turns out to be the wrong decision (you might be annoyed at yourself and me and others on this thread though). You won't forgive yourself if something terrible happened in the future.

Original poster
HeadFairy · 23/08/2013 13:16

Charleymouse She texted me to say her phone had a battery problem and had been off all morning (I'd sent her a couple of texts before I knew about this situation, ds was going on a play date this morning and I sent her the address)

nannyowl yes, if the car is in sight of the house I will pop out to get things occasionally.
The younger two do occasionally bicker, but nothing serious.

belugagrad Thank you for your bluntness :) My reluctance is nothing to do with what we pay her, we do pay her slightly less than the going rate because she brings her dd with her to work, that was her suggestion. When I was interviewing her I didnt' even mention money, she was always the standout person in terms of how she related to the children. Her rapport with them was by far and away the most relaxed, natural and fun. We did two interviews, and in the process of those two interviews she came across fabulously. She's been with us for 2 years, her dd and my dd are incredibly close. Like sisters really. My ds adores her, I really don't want to take any hasty action if I'm wrong.

OP posts:
Belugagrad · 23/08/2013 13:10

that was really blunt - sorry - i know she is innocent until proven guilty so you have no reason to sack her other than gut instinct - its just you're very defensive of her.

SPBisResisting · 23/08/2013 13:10

I'm guessing he didn't realse the implication of what he was seeing until too late

Nannyowl · 23/08/2013 13:08

Shame your husband didn't hide when he saw her leaving, then you would have known if she had driven off. Instant sacking offence imo.

Belugagrad · 23/08/2013 13:00

is she good childcare?

Re: the previous incident at the shop- you said she was mortified, was that because she was caught? Sounds like she was embarrassed to be caught this morning.

I'm going to be really blunt - is she cheap? is that why you ar reluctant to sack her too? or is it just that you're friends?

SPBisResisting · 23/08/2013 12:56

Yes, completely agree. I just thought if the TV was off that would actually be evidence in her favour.

Nannyowl · 23/08/2013 12:54

OP do you ever leave the children in the house when you pop to the car?
It is difficult to judge on this without knowing what your children will say. If you do occasionally leave them for a few minutes; and they were told by the nanny that she was getting something out of the car and would be straight back, it might be a reasonable situation.

Do the two younger children fight? Would she take one to prevent that, while she was out of the house?

Must be horrible for you being at work and worried. If she looked sheepish for your husband I expect she knows she did wrong and will be on best behaviour rest of the day. But sending your mum around for a coffee might be a good idea so you can relax.

I would also be looking for another nanny if your feel her judgement is poor.

Charleymouse · 23/08/2013 12:52

Was her phone in the car? Did she find it? If not and you ring her mobile from a different number to yours if she answers then she has probably been home since and got phone if not and she found it in her car then I think you can have a word with her but you might have to give her the benefit of the doubt.

I sometimes put clothes back on when looking for something so I can check pockets more easily.

Original poster
HeadFairy · 23/08/2013 12:51

Lord no, I would never rely on CCTV in place of good child care!

To be honest, they tend to have the tv on usually in the morning while they're pootling about after breakfast. More so in the school holidays. I don't have a problem with that, they do enough activities anyway.

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SPBisResisting · 23/08/2013 12:45

Sorry I mentioned CCTV, was a bit tongue in cheek, apart from anything else it presumably only covers the house and wouldn't help when out and about.
No, CCTV or anything like that does not compensate for lack of trust. CCTV is for stuff you value. Trust is for people you value.

SPBisResisting · 23/08/2013 12:44

electronic babysitter then??
(not complaining about TV as such, mine watch far too much, and there have been times where they've been watching it happily and with no arguing and I've thought I could pop out to the shop for ten mins absolutely fine...but I never would!)

Belugagrad · 23/08/2013 12:43

I feel compelled to write. CCTV is not an alternative to decent childcare. Yes, today you would know the truth, but in a serious incident, which could have happened today the CCTV would only show you what happened - it doesn't intervene! Get CCTV if you want but first harden up and sack the nanny.

SPBisResisting · 23/08/2013 12:41

ah I see. Completely different set up then and so actually reasonable to lock the door if she's popping out to the car.
I still don't think that changes my opinion...how clingy can I 3.7 yo be??
As we both have almost 4yos, I know I could tell mine I was popping to the car and would be right back. Unless she was already upset about something else (in which case I'd just put off going for the phone!) she'd understand.

Original poster
HeadFairy · 23/08/2013 12:41

SPB, dh says they were watching tv. When he came back down from upstairs our nanny's dd was sitting at the table having some breakfast.

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Floggingmolly · 23/08/2013 12:40

Oh and by the way; I'm sure your job is "much much more important than than shuffling papers round a desk" Hmm, the question is; is it more important than your children's safety?
If you resigned tomorrow, your company would continue with hardly a blip, you know. Nobody is quite that indispensable.

FoxyRevenger · 23/08/2013 12:37

HeadFairy you sound incredibly kind and very fair minded. But I think, when it comes to the safety of your children, this is the time when you absolutely should go with your gut instinct.

Even if she left your children and they came to no harm; they would have been frightened at least. Sad

Hope it all works out for you.

Original poster
HeadFairy · 23/08/2013 12:36

SPB, there isn't a drive. The parking is all on the street, and as we're close to the station she may well have had to park out of sight of the house if there were no spaces closer.

I'm seriously tempted by the CCTV option.

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SPBisResisting · 23/08/2013 12:35

If you'd caught her with your online banking page open, you'd strongly question her intent even if she'd not got round to doing anything naughty yet

SPBisResisting · 23/08/2013 12:34

Actually no the more I think about this, and reading your last post there is no sensible alternative assumption.

You lock the front door, have your bag, coat and daughter (the importan things Hmm) and you're walking towards your car...you're going to get in and drive off. Anything else is ridiculous.
What were your DCs doing at the time BTW? Were they by any chance, toileted and infront of the TV with a drink and snack?

Floggingmolly · 23/08/2013 12:33

No, it doesn't matter that nothing happened if the intent was there.
When you add in the fact that she has previous form... No, you can't (and really shouldn't) trust her again.

That's really appalling Sad

SPBisResisting · 23/08/2013 12:32

And while you can't sack her on a gut feeling, short of installing CCTV you can't always see what she's doing. So if her judgement is this poor (or her attitude to your children so careless) you really can't leave them in her care again :( I can see it's a really difficult situation, and I'm sorry.

SPBisResisting · 23/08/2013 12:31

What sort of setup do you have at home? Is there really a need to lock your door if you're just popping to a car on the drive?
My DCs are now old enough to wander in and out as long as I know they are doing this. Even when they were tiny there would have been no need to prevent them leaving the house if I was just on the drive. but if you live on a very busy road I can see it might be different.

I think one of you needs to ask her outright and see if you think she's lying. I'd be unimpressed if a friend had done what you think she was planning tbh - even less impressed if this 'friend' is being paid to take care of my children.