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Original poster

Advice needed - nanny friends/working arrangements (long)

66 replies

bluechik · 08/07/2013 19:06

I need some advice. I have just hired a sole charge nanny to look after my two children - DC1 2.8yrs and DC2 16 months. The nanny is working 3 days per week and my partner and I are covering the other days between us. Up until recently one or other of us has been at home full time with the children so this is our first experience of any formal child care, and our first time hiring a nanny. We have had our nanny for 3 weeks so far and we are all adjusting to the different world of both of us working full time and having someone else looking after the DC.

When we interviewed our nanny she made a point of checking whether or not we minded her seeing other nanny friends while looking after our children. We said that this was fine, but this is where problems are arising for us, as we presumed this would be occasionally but it seems to be practically all the time.

Our nanny seems to be spending the majority of her time with another nanny who works up the road. This nanny also looks after two children. The two seem to plan their days together; they go to the same groups in the morning, have lunch together with all the children and then spend the afternoon together in the majority of cases. On two occasions we have come home to find them all in our house - last week, my partner came home at 5.45 to find the two nannies doing dinner in the kitchen. Dinner is usually round 5 and our nanny normally finishes at 6 so the day had obviously run late. The other nanny's mindee was sitting in DC2's high chair and DC2 was sitting on a corner of the table being fed by our nanny. DC1 was outside. The children were all being fed the same dinner which had been prepared in our kitchen. Today I came home a bit early, at 5.30 and saw a strange woman come up to our door with an empty buggy. She turned out to be the mother of one of the other nanny's mindees - they had all spent the afternoon at our house in the paddling pool. The mother thanked me for having them all - I didn't want to tell her I had no idea. All the children had eaten lasagne for dinner which once again must have come from our freezer. On another occasion our nanny mentioned that they had all spent the afternoon at her friend's place - she has a flat. It had been the most beautiful day and I knew they had been to an indoor playgroup in the morning so I asked if her friend had any outdoor space - she said only a roof terrace.

I have thought carefully about this. I have no problem with the concept of our nanny having playdates with other nannies and their mindees. I do have a problem with not knowing who is in our house and when; not knowing when our children are spending lots of time in other people's houses; and having the children share food - in particular regularly feeding other mindees in our kitchen, without me knowing. I also worry that if the nannies are always together then the priority is not spending time and focusing on the children, but rather planning time socially as a priority. In addition it seems tough in our first month together to have the children get used to not just a nanny but all her friends as well. It feels like a nanny share by default. I also worry that the days are massively stimulating for the DC with no opportunity for quiet one to one time or activities just planned around them.

Am I being unreasonable/unrealistic about this and if not then how to address with the nanny? In other respects she seems great - friendly, experienced, and I really want this to work.

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Lavenderloves · 09/07/2013 09:09

Are like!

Lavenderloves · 09/07/2013 08:59

I'm a sahm, two days a week my life is like your nannys. It's great for the children, great for me/ your nanny. My DH pulls his face at all the fun we have twat

Maybe talk to her about balancing it out with some quiet/ home time. What does she do at home with them? Do they do lots of craft with her?

I wouldn't want mine at playgroups/ activities all the time, it's not enough one to one attention. They can also be stressful for little ones. It's all about balance.

ActionLog · 09/07/2013 08:49

OP I wouldn't feel comfortable inyour position either. Some socialising is fine but in the way you've described I would be unhappy.

Blondeshavemorefun · 09/07/2013 08:37

Asking to see other nannies isn't a red flag imo - she was checking

I've had friends who employers said yes go out then change their mind and nanny is lonely and leaves

Op you say you are happy for nanny to see people - that's good :) you don't need to limit and say can only see xyz once a week - but make clear you would like some home alone time just the 3 of them

Your eldest could be unsettled as not used to you going to work and having a nanny - but is she happy? many children say to parents they don't want to them go to work etc

Not filling in a diary seems weird - takes a few mins and may make you feel happier as know what your children have done

The late tea may have been as children playing and having fun in the garden etc - and least you have met one of her friends employers but agree nice to come home and have house to self - tho if you arrive early and a friend there then not a problem ie come home at 4pm instead of 6pm

Have a chat and see if you can find an equal balance of seeing friends that have similar ages children and time at home with the nanny

nkf · 09/07/2013 07:53

When she aske if she could get together with other nannies, that was a red flag. Lots of nannies do this. Endless plsydates that.suit their need for adult company. If you don't like it, then you have to be clear. Only so many playdates a week etc.

MissStrawberry · 09/07/2013 07:45

Saying she can't find the time to write a few lines in the diary is ridiculous. I kept a daily diary for all my parents and would usually write an A5 sheet each day. It would list all meals and sleeps taken. Where we went, what we did, who we saw and if they particularly enjoyed anything that day. What it wouldn't say is if they took their first steps or said their first word. Once they were talking more than a few words I would write new words in.

MissStrawberry · 09/07/2013 07:40

Feeding my child while perched on the table would have annoyed me.

I also wouldn't like to come home from work to find the kitchen full of strangers.

I was a nanny and am now a mum and I do find it strange how many people seem to give nanny complete free reign to do what they like.

I would always ask before having any one over for lunch/tea. I wouldn't just assume the parents were happy to feed other children. Some jobs people would just come to play, others for the odd meal. I was focussed on what was best for the children and sometimes having extras over at meal time wasn't the best idea for that particular day. For me it was about respect for the fact it wasn't my house.

A nanny works for the mother and father and should do what they want them to do. A nanny doesn't have the right to dictate to the parents imo.

Socialising all day every day is too much. A child needs time to just be in their home without other people there.

The OP's children could be feeling unsettled because this nanny is wrong for them, could be too many strangers around too often or could be just getting used to the new situation but with the nanny going in full on so quick it will be hard to know.

Trusting a nanny to look after your children and keep them safe does not equal giving them free reign to do anything they want.

Original poster
bluechik · 09/07/2013 00:48

Chipping, yes, those are very valid points. In regards to the quality of care I really hope that things are as you suggest, and acknowledge that this is a real possibility. It's just that (especially with our working relationship being so new, and the children being unsettled) that I fear that things are being organised to facilitate the nannies' social contact rather than the focus being on the children.

What we would really like is to work things out with this nanny, who on a personal level I like enormously, and I think your thoughts about styles are relevant here - it may be that her style is not something that will work for us, in which case you are right about the long term options, but hopefully we can find a middle ground that works for all of us.

OP posts:
ChippingInGoAndyGo · 09/07/2013 00:02

Blue - I (obviously) haven't met your nanny or her friends, but I think this 'we might be better off with a nursery as at least in that setting the focus is on the children rather than the interaction between the nursery staff' is a bit, misguided.

You don't know that the nannies just ignore the kids - your two might not have her to themselves but they, in turn, have the other nanny's attention too.

Also, they aren't just taking them to Starbucks every day, they are going to toddler groups etc

I think that as the nannies see each other so much, they are less likely to just 'chat & ignore the kids'.

It would not be at all unreasonable to give the nanny a time of day when you want everyone else to be gone - so the earliest you are normally home for instance... most people don't want to come home to a housefull. If this means there isn't time for a shared dinner - then so be it.

I don't know - you need to work out if you have a nanny who is only really interested in seeing her friends and getting paid for it, or if you have a nanny who loves kids and is just a 'more the merrier' type of person.

Her 'style' wouldn't be for me, but, I think you should spend some time thinking about what your issues actually are and seeing if they can be addressed with this nanny and if you couldn't resolve things to your satisfaction with this nanny, you could get a nanny who is very different and that would be much better than a nursery. It is mad to choose 'nursery' in order that your childs needs are met, when you can afford a nanny - just sort things out with this one, or get a new one :)

I know it's hard at first, but when you have the right nanny, it is brilliant.

Original poster
bluechik · 08/07/2013 23:33

Nannyowl, thanks for your perspective. It's true that we did choose a nanny because we wanted care that was bespoke to the children. It has crossed my mind that we might be better off with a nursery as at least in that setting the focus is on the children rather than the interaction between the nursery staff, albeit at less favourable staff/child ratios.

2plus1, it sounds as though you are working through very similar issues - hope you find a good resolution.

OP posts:
Original poster
bluechik · 08/07/2013 23:13

Thanks for all the replies, this is really helpful and there are some good suggestions about how I can approach this constructively with our nanny. Snazzy, that's true and that's actually how I felt when I came home today.

OP posts:
Nannyowl · 08/07/2013 23:12

Hi another nanny here. I think that's parents employ nannies to give bespoke care to their children in their own homes. The children should be kept in the routine the parents dictate. Obviously this may be relaxed a little but generally what the parents wants re naps structure of the day. They could send their children to a nursery or childminder but choose instead to employ a nanny. Spending all day with other nannies/ and their charges is something that should happen occasionally, and I personally would always consult the parents first. Attending one activity each days eg park, group to meet other nannies/mums is reasonable. But spending the whole day is over the top.
I think it is very disrespectful to invite other families and raid the larder without first seeking permission. It is not a question of trust but just good manners on the Nanny's part.
Sorry if I offend other nannys but this is just my opinion. I appreciate it can be lonely working without adult company but it has to be a balance.

Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 08/07/2013 23:09

Agree with the posts above about scaling back the joint time/outings. Plus I personally would want to know who is going to be there when I walk back into my house at the end of the day. If it's my DC and my nanny fine. If it's another nanny as well and a set of extra kids, then I wouldn't feel it's quite as much my home; I would feel almost like I was entertaining visitors, and that's not how I want to feel at the end of the working day. I want to be able to relax in just my family's company.

PowerPants · 08/07/2013 22:59

Good point Latin, am advising once a week now Grin

Your nanny should also be bonding with your children on her own if she has only been working three weeks.

2plus1 · 08/07/2013 22:57

Wouldliketobethere I think you have read my mind, as you say the children need their own space, time and outings too. I just didnt convey it aswell! Ours now spend 75-100% of days with other nanny so has increased from the initial days. OP I would have a review with your nanny so you can put your thoughts to her about this. She must be coming to the end of probationary period so a good time to have a chat. I would also watch your eldest being unsettled. Could be nothing but one of ours have a severe dislike of our firstnanny and worryinf things have since come out.
Chipping our nanny is not young but likes theme parks which is an issue with young ones and only a 2 to 1 ratio on rides so who looks after child 3?

LatinForTelly · 08/07/2013 22:54

Blimey, forgot she was only working 3 days! I'd want fewer play dates than I said in last post!

PowerPants · 08/07/2013 22:53

I would be concerned about this. What would happen if the children don't get on - would they still be forced to socialise because the nannies like each other?

I am all in favour of nannies meeting up and enioying playdates together but this is too intense - I would limit it to twice a week.

LatinForTelly · 08/07/2013 22:51

I wouldn't be at all happy with this.

I think it's fine in moderation, but what you've described in your OP isn't that.

Play dates are great for socialisation and sharing, but for me, with those ages of children, I would be happy with a couple of hours, a couple of times a week, with maybe a shared meal once a week, particularly if they're going to toddler groups etc as well.

I've not had a nanny, but have had au pairs. I assume one of the reasons people choose nannies rather than childminders or nurseries is that the children would get lots of settled home-time?

I think you need to think about what level would be right for you and set it out very clearly in some sort of trial period review, as other posters have suggested.

WouldBeHarrietVane · 08/07/2013 22:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lechatnoir · 08/07/2013 22:48

Not a nanny but a cm so do sympathise with her in that it can be a lonely job & sometimes another nanny/cm can bring fresh activity ideas to share with the DC so not always true about not being as focused on the children, BUT, seeing nanny friend all day every day, eating your food etc just sounds a bit too much of a jolly IMO.

If she's working 3 days a week with you I don't think it's unreasonable to ask that she keeps the odd day or a couple of afternoons free from meeting her friend and does some more structured activities with your DC or a little 1:1/quiet time which wouldn't be possible with an extra nanny & 2 children on the scene!

Speak up now or this will grow from minor niggle into major resentment.

Original poster
bluechik · 08/07/2013 22:47

I should add that she is about my age, so neither old nor young, and has about 15 years' experience as a nanny. She has worked in this area usually and wanted to stay in the same area although she doesn't live here - I presumed that was because she liked the area but actually I'm realising it's because her friends all work here. We did speak to her referees who were glowing.

OP posts:
WouldBeHarrietVane · 08/07/2013 22:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WouldBeHarrietVane · 08/07/2013 22:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
bluechik · 08/07/2013 22:44

Chipping, we did not mention the diary because we hadn't thought of it. But we have been on a mutual months' trial and we suggested it at the beginning of the trial period - she doesn't seem to have a problem with the concept but is not finding the time to write in it. We specifically said we didn't want masses of detail but just to know in outline the key events of the day - a few dot points or a paragraph only.

I think you have hit the nail on the head when you say 'it does seem she has gone from one job to another, keeping her schedule the same, just swapping children... and it doesn't seem she has really taken any time to get to know the children and to get them to know and trust her (before introducing a lot of new people into their lives)' - yes! Thank you, that is exactly the worry that is underlying my feelings about all this. That doesn't mean that she isn't a good nanny at the end of the day, but I suppose I was expecting her approach to be tailored more to the children, and what they are like as individuals.

OP posts:
wouldliketobethere · 08/07/2013 22:26

I would suggest that you deal with this in the early stages - at the end of the day they are your children so whatever other nannies might do it is up to you if you are happy with it and if not, best to sort it out now. I would have thought a "one month in" review would give you both a chance to chat over any issues. I would say you are not happy with so much socialising with the other nannies and although you said it was fine, you were thinking of no more than 50% (or whatever you think is acceptable) of her time being spent in this way. The children need some time just for themselves and some time to relax with their own things or their own outings and to have a nap etc.

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