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Original poster

Feel uneasy about a nanny - should I tell parents?

36 replies

lechatnoir · 04/06/2013 21:54

Bit of background:
Nanny 'A' has been with this family full time for 3-4 years. She started when 1st child was about 6 months old, baby 2 arrived within 18months then a year later baby 3 arrived. So fairly full on role for a young girl who took on her first nanny job caring for 1 child but soon had sole charge of 3 children under 4 (now 1, 2 & 4). I live near the family (know them to exchange pleasantries but nothing more) but nanny + charges regularly attend the same groups/park as me.

We've spoken many times & she's very nice BUT she really doesn't seem to be interested in, or even like the children Sad. It's always takes someone else telling her one of her charges needs changing/nose wiping/is crying etc (so not great but not enough to get involved in someone else's business over) but in the last 6 months since she's had all 3 children in her care there has been a noticeable decline in her attitude & demeanour towards the children to the point where I & 2 other mums ended up discussing her today (after witnessing her being heavy handed almost to the point of being rough with 1 of them) and I'm clearly not the only one who has noticed that she seems constantly cross with them & disinterested to the point of almost ignoring their needs Sad. I suspect she's over her head & isn't coping with the hours/number of children but don't know her well enough to do or say anything meaningful and actually, she's probably in the wrong profession!!!

As a parent I'd want to know if this was my children and as a child-care professional (cm) I also feel I have some sort of duty to act upon what I've seen but given I barely know the family, I'm not sure how they'd react to virtual stranger knocking on their door saying what a crap nanny they've got!! WWYD?

OP posts:
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ChippingInWiredOnCoffee · 05/06/2013 00:08

Bolshie - disagree all you like. I am happy to place a child on a seat when they don't want to sit down. If you'd like to point out where I, or the OP even, said anything about 'shaming a child'...?? Hmm

Lougle exactly!

lougle · 04/06/2013 23:58

Actually, I have no issue with gently pushing my children into position. Telling a child off for a wee accident...depends on why the accident happened and how long they've been continent. DD3 was dry day and night before her 2nd birthday, so by 2.5 I'd be unhappy if she wet because she was careless. Not upset if she genuinely couldn't help it.

Context, is everything.

bolshieoldcow · 04/06/2013 23:00

I don't agree with you, chipping - you don't push children into position and you don't shame them for toilet training accidents. You just don't.

I'd want to know, if it were my kids. A letter or something, to give me the info, and then it's my call whether to take it further.

Good luck, OP, and good on you for speaking up.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee · 04/06/2013 22:51

Pushing the oldest down to sit in a chair (when he didn't want to sit down) - I don't really see the problem? Kids can't always do what they want to do can they?!

Telling a 2.5 year old off for wetting herself - if she was newly tt then it's not on, but if she's been out of nappies for a while and she chose not to go to the toilet then (again) I don't really see the problem.

Roughly putting a coat on the baby - depends on your definition of 'roughly' really. I think I possibly look 'rough' with the kids sometimes, but I've never hurt one while dressing them :)

However, you are there, you are a CM - so you are best placed to decide if you think the parents need to be told or not. If I were you, I'd write down as many specific things as you can think of because if I was the parent I would want to know, but having had a relationship with the nanny for that long (and presumably having shared care with her when on ML) it would be very hard to accept that her relationship with the children wasn't good if they weren't complaining. On the other hand the children may be complaining and your contact might give the parents the 'push' they need to re-think their childcare options. Just be very sure it's not just a 'different' way of doing things before you wade in though.

Original poster
lechatnoir · 04/06/2013 22:33

Thanks a note through the door might be an idea or I wondered about asking (not mentioning why of course) if any of my local friends know the family who could at least mention my concerns & pass on my number if they wanted to discuss it further.
Just to clarify, I've really tried to not to be judgemental as there's been many a time with my DC that I'd sit at groups or in the park having a chat whilst they get on & play, but, there's a big difference between taking a step back and completely ignoring them. Thinking through the things I've actually seen, it's just little things like pushing the oldest down to sit in a chair when he clearly didn't want or particularly to, reprimanding (humiliating IMO) the 2.5 yrs old for wetting herself when it was home time, roughly putting a coat on the baby - again they might not sound too bad but it's the way she does it almost makes you wince for fear of them being hurt (IYKWIM) .

Gosh, the more I put down the worse it sounds Shock. I'll definitely have to say something Sad

OP posts:
lougle · 04/06/2013 22:10

Tell the parent.

Eastpoint · 04/06/2013 22:07

I had an inexperienced nanny (faked references via an agency) and was very pleased that another friend's nanny spoke to me about her pulling my 21 month old around. I knew the other nannies in the group very well and trusted them. I also had a bad experience with a babysitter (I've got 3 children and the oldest is now 15) and again someone spoke to me. Please be brave, she had left my three year old in a pool on her own and I would never have known if someone hadn't told me. I was very grateful for both interventions.

adagio · 04/06/2013 22:07

No personal experience here, but if it was my child I would prefer to know - even from a random stranger.

As I hate confrontation I would be tempted to send a letter to the home just asking the mum or dad to get in touch as I am a bit concerned by some things I have seen concerning their kids, and can they please contact me directly as soon as convenient with phone numbers and email addresses. I wouldn't say the Nanny is the concern in writing. If they delegate the task to the Nanny then I would make something up and forget about it. Assuming one or other parent is interested enough to follow up, I would try and explain my worry.

OutragedFromLeeds · 04/06/2013 22:04

I would try and differentiate between what you've actually seen her do and what you perceive her attitude to be i.e. 'she doesn't seem to be interested in...' etc.

If you've seen her do something inappropriate then report that to the family, in a formal, 'I saw x do y'. Don't say 'heavy handed almost to the point of being rough' because that's a subjective view, say exactly what she did and what the circumstances were and let the family deal with it from there.

gaggiagirl · 04/06/2013 22:02

If they were my children I would want to know and I would be so grateful of anyone telling me,you have worded this really well just repeat what you have posted to the parents. Could you send them a letter? Might make it easier for them to take in.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee · 04/06/2013 21:56

If she was their Mum how would you feel?