Feel uneasy about a nanny - should I tell parents?

As others have said context is everything

I have 'told a 2.5yr off' for wetting theirselves as been dry for 4mths - keel saying go for a wee and they didn't - and got wet pants - I didn't humiliate them

Maybe talk to this nanny. Perhaps she is finding some aspects of the job hard - 3 under 4 is hard work - maybe a friendly ear over a cuppa while children are playing

Then mention concerns to the mb - are the children happy with the nanny generally?

Of want to know as a parent. While I understand that it is a snapshot, the parents can piece it together with the rest if the information they have. So they may have concerns already and this is the final straw, or they may know that the nanny has had a difficult time recently and they could support her better.

Do not pop a note through any doors, notes can be lost and found by anyone.
The fact that you have come on here to seek advice tells me that you are unhappy with what you have been seeing. No one else can comment on the scenarios you have mentioned as we were not there. As someone else said, context is everything.
We have a duty to children and if you think she is not fulfilling hers, then you need to step in for the children.

Oops sent too early. Clearly it is a snapshot and subjectivity creeps in - but if it was your child how would you feel?

I would want to know as a parent

I'd just slip a little note through the door, that way the parents aren't going to be embarrassed if its face to face and they can choose it ignore it. I would want someone to tell me if my children weren't being cared for properly.

I had a similar situation with swimming lessons, one nanny consistently turned up for the lesson 20 minutes late (for a 30 minute lesson costing £45) and then left the little boy sitting without a towel around him for 20 minutes after the lesson. He wasn't able to stay in the pool by himself as he wasn't old enough.
Poor little thing was freezing and crying. One of the other mums would usually end up comforting him.

Anyway, I got the parents email off the swimming lesson organiser explaining what was happening. The following week the parent came to find me in the pool to thank me for letting her know.

The thing is LeChat it's your conscience. If it's weighing on you and your instinct is continuing to urge you to tell the parents, that's what you should do.

Well, maybe Minderjinx, if the op was more like you, and the culture more welcoming the nanny in question would perhaps not have the same kind of problems?

I sympathise a lot with her, because in these parts, nannies stick to nannies, cms to cms and mums to mums, and I suspect it is the same in the parts where OP is. It just strikes me that the nanny might be quite lonely.

I remember our playgroup and I mads the mistake of trying to chat to a group of cm and they were SO rude to me. Stuck together like glue they did. It made me suspicious of them tbh.

"It is quite typical. If you are nanny, the mums wont talk to you, neither will the cms"

I am sorry if that is your experience Quintessential, but it is certainly not mine, and I do go to several groups where nannies, CMs, parents and other family mix very amicably.

debuck that would fill the poor mother with terror! Far better to briefly explain the concerns in the note and leave it at that with an offer of more talk if wanted.

I'd pop a note through the door "i have concerns about how your nanny is treating your children, I see her at toddler group a lot. would you like to discuss them with me?" and leave your contact details.

Ok, our first nanny wasn't great in many ways. We had a neighbour who rang me up a couple of times about her. I obviously wanted to know that she was smoking whilst pushing DD in the pushchair (!!!) but in terms of the other stuff she talked about there was an element of nosy neighbour about the calls.

And then guess what?! As we were coming to ending things with this nanny the woman turned around and goes: "Oh do you think she could day a day for me?" WTF, if you had 'concerns' about her to the extent you were phoning me to gossip about her.

I guess my point for you is - you don't want to sound like that nosy neighbour! I am not sure there is enough in what you've said for it not to come across as mostly subjective. If she's recently taken on looking after the third child, maybe she is struggling a bit BUT if I were you I would leave it another couple of weeks and then see. The last thing you'd want the parents to conclude is that the nanny is just somehow being marginalised/sniped about by the parents and CM. I'm not saying you are doing this but I just think you need either stronger examples or a more sustained pattern of behaviour.

For example, if she were on her phone while they were crossing the road unsupervised I would be standing in front of the parents' house until they got home to tell them...being facetious but you see what I mean.

Quint I see how you're explaining it....the Nanny could feel self concsious when the DC won't do as they are told and so react. But again...that's a sign that she's not able to manage well.

I also agree that a proffessional child care provider should never push, pull or shove children. My own DD at age 3 (very articulate) explained to me that her Keyworker had pulled her by the wrist into the toilets and that it had hurt her.

I went straight in to speak to the manager. NO pulling, pushing or shoving is ok with little children. It's completely unnecessary.

Bear in mind, when you write your letter, that would you see is just a snapshot, and only at the park/play group?

You say nobody knows her, but you may know somebody who knows her family. So, I take it this young girl is alone at the park/playgroup with her charge of 3 young children, and the local mums and childminders use this time to judge her, rather than befriend her?

It is quite typical. If you are nanny, the mums wont talk to you, neither will the cms.

It could be that the only time you see her, is when she is doing the most lonely and isolated part of her job, which is taking the children out to play, and she feeling looked at and judged?

The things you mention does not seem too bad. Seems to me she is in an uncomfortable position.

OP your instinct says to say something. I agree with others that it's subjective but in my opinion, where DC are involved SAFE is better than sorry.

I don't shove my ds into a chair if he doesn't want to and I don't rough my youngest to get a coat on.

Anyway the point is, she is a nanny. She should have the skills to manage these situations without resorting to force quite frankly. I've seen nannies operate (I have one as well) and my god they are brilliant at getting the children to do what I and many mums may struggle with.

If it were my nanny I would want to know.

oh fgs..bloody touch screen. sorry for typos etc.

For what its worth (while everyone else argues over what is right and wrong in their own opinions! ) ..

as a nanny, it is of MY opinion that if these actions you witnessed were by the parent then as the children are there own it is up to them how they treat their children. However this woman is emoloyed. She is being trusted to care for them and it is not ok for her to be pushing a unwilling child into a seat. Or generally being rough putting babies coat on etc. If this was my girl id be so upset that someone I employ to care for her is disinterested in her charges, careless and rough. - I think you need to say something. The fact that she behaves this way publically attracting attention of otherparents would make me coconcerned about her attitude towards them in private. It sounds like this girl is poorly suited to childcare but is enjoying a probably well paid job and rarely has anyone around to monitor or pull her up on her attitude so has declined as her years with the family have continued.

Devora - yes, as I said 'However, you are there, you are a CM - so you are best placed to decide if you think the parents need to be told or not'. Sheesh.

Yes, but the OP is the one with the fullest understanding of the context in this case, surely?

OP, I would be very upset as a mother if you DIDN'T tell me. It would be up to me then to verify the information and decide whether it fitted a pattern that was making me uncomfortable, or if it seemed so at odds with what my happy children were telling me that I wouldn't want to take action. But I would want to be able to make that choice for myself.

It is the OP's opinion that telling a child off for wetting themselves is humiliating... that's not the same as shaming a child and it's not my opinion that telling a 2.5 year old off for wetting themselves is humiliating. I don't see anything wrong with telling a child off for wetting themselves in some circumstances - as Lougle said, 'context is everything'.

chipping, my apologies, you didn't say shaming, but the OP said "...reprimanding (humiliating IMO) the 2.5 yrs old for wetting herself when it was home time" - which sounded like shaming to me.