Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

Au Pair problems. WWYD

34 replies

springlenner · 16/05/2013 22:56

Our current AP has been with us 3 months and most of the time she is good ... Except when it comes to school pick drop offs and babysitting.

Basically, she loves to clean - I had specified some cleaning from the outset but stressed this was not her primary role. She does all of our washing, ironing, empties the dishwasher, cleans floors, bathrooms etc. I have to stress SHE wants to do this. I often tell her she's doing too much but she really likes to do it. I pay her extra for this £180 per week as the house is so clean there's no need to get a cleaner.

We both work full time. DH leaves the house at 7, I am supposed to be at work at 8.30. DS1 is in school from 8.40-3.20 and DS2 in nursery from 9 -12 five days a week.

However, here's the problem. I dont think she likes childcare!! Firstly, she doesn't want to bring the kids to school, its a five minute cycle / ten minute walk. She refused to do it a few weeks ago and since I've been quiet at work I've brought them but she had to take them this morning as I needed to turn up on time! I try to get home by 5 - usually earlier. Today i was back at 4. This evening we had been invited over for a cup of tea to an elderly neighbours house at 8pm. She has had one weeks notice that we would be out for an hour.The kids were in bed but not asleep. As I was leaving at 8.10 she announced I needed to be back by 9 as she needed "some free time and some peace and quiet"
I know she is working up to refuse to babysit tomorrow night. My brother is here just for one night from abroad, and I gave her more than 6 weeks notice that we'd be out tomorrow night. She already asked on Monday what time I was going out and told me I needed to be back by 10pm.
She is always grumpy like this about babysitting and I'm not sure how to approach this.

She's not a cleaner, she's an au pair, she's paid well and I think I treat her well. But the whole point of having an AP live in our home is so we can have some help when we need it i.e. school drop offs and occasional babysitting.

I am absolutely useless at confronting people and she's very direct in her manner - I know I need to sit her down and talk to her but I don't have the skills. Please put words in my mouth.

My DH was going to talk to her in the morning but she's just texted ( from upstairs ) to say she's too tired to get up and would I mind taking them to school !!

Help please! Sorry, that was long after all!

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
Original poster
springlenner · 17/05/2013 00:12

Sorry, missed those posts, thanks all. Yes, she's our second au pair so all of her duties written down, documented and agreed on.
Neolara - thank you! Will talk to her tomorrow.

OP posts:
Original poster
springlenner · 17/05/2013 00:10

PhyllisDoris, thanks, she is a good kid and I think she wants to do a good job but I do not have the vocab to deal with essentially a teenage sulk. I just can't understand her reluctance so can't even think where to start the conversation. So that helps, thanks.

Cloverer, I guess I'm just a nice person who likes my kids and doesnt want them crossing busy roads with someone whod rather be cleaning, and yes, I have a very good job. I am the chief earner in the family. Luckily for me my skills are hard to come by so I could get away with it, after all I have been late to work most days for weeks.
I don't see how the situation is bizarre, she lives in as our au pair gets paid well - I consider £90 per week is taking the piss in this day and age to be honest - and has all if not more of the usual au pair perks. Yes, it's all above board and we pay NI and tax for her. This is not her first au pair job but she is young (20) so I do go out of my way to support her and make sure she doesn't have prolonged spells of sole childcare.

She was great at first but one of the problems that has arisen is that she met our former au pairs friend in town recently, who old her that we paid the last au pair £300/wk---- not true! She got the same but was obviously prone to exaggeration. So this one thinks she's undervalued and wants more money too!!

Did I mention I think she has OCD? All the cleaning is wierd.

OP posts:
BriansBrain · 16/05/2013 23:56

You Realy need to speak to her about the expectated basics of her role.

NatashaBee · 16/05/2013 23:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

neolara · 16/05/2013 23:50

Blimey. She sounds crap. I've never had an au pair so don't know the ins and outs of it all, but could you address it in the following way.

Tell her in advance you want to have a discussion about something. Don't grab her in the middle of doing something else. She needs to be giving you full attention. When you talk to her you have to be completely emotionally neutral. If you show anger then she will almost certainly respond aggressively back. If you are completely matter of fact and acknowledge the difficulties of having the discussion, it will be fine.

Acknowledge feelings / awkwardness of the situation - Au pair, I feel worried about bringing this up, but there is something we need to discuss.

Explain the problem - Rrecently you have seemed reluctant to take the children to school and to babysit.

Say how this makes you feel (nothing wrong this. Don't underplay your emotions. If you're really pissed off, say so) - I'm confused by this and to be honest, I'm also feeling quite cross, because you're an au pair and the reason we employed you was to help look after the children.

Take responsibility for your role in the problem - I can see how I might have given you mixed messages before because I took the kids to school after you said you didn't want to do it. I'm sorry for that". OR "Maybe I haven't been clear in the past about what I expected you to do. If so, I'm sorry.

Tell her what you want to change. Be specific - However, in the future, you need to take the kids to school every day / pick them up and you also need to babysit one evening a week as we agreed in the interview."

Then quickly close the conversation and move on to something else e.g. discussion of latest TV programme.

Cloverer · 16/05/2013 23:43

Do you have a job?

If, in the first 3 months of your job, you refused to do things, text your boss to say you'd be late to work because you are having a lie-in, just not doing the major part of your job - would you expect to keep your job? I don't think I'd have even got to 3 months.

Obviously it's up to you how you handle it, but after 3 months of just doing whatever she wants I can't really see her attitude changing.

This whole situation seems a bit bizarre to me - presumably you are employing her properly, deducting tax etc. And yet she just tells you no and you accept it?

PhyllisDoris · 16/05/2013 23:41

You do need to talk to her. You need to explain that her primary role is childcare. That you really appreciate the cleaning, but that if she's tired, then she must do less cleaning not less child care. Give her a month and tell her that she needs to collect /take kids every day. Tell her that if things haven't changed after a month you will have to ask her to leave.
Not easy, but you are the boss.

Btw, au pairs salaries seem to have gone up a bit since we last had one about 6/7 years ago. We used to pay £55 per week.

Original poster
springlenner · 16/05/2013 23:32

Really? Sounds a bit harsh? I know I'm making excuses but doesn't she deserve a chance?

OP posts:
Cloverer · 16/05/2013 23:17

I wouldn't bother talking to her.

She doesn't want to be an au pair. Give her notice and find someone else.

Swipe left for the next trending thread