Mum / MIL doing child care when I go back to work

I definitely wouldn't. My own DM said she wanted to do was go part time watch the kids on her days off ...so I gave in DS' s nursery during DD's mat leave, and thought "great!" But she often cancelled on us last minute, found that she couldn't afford PT and did not want to come over as early as we needed her (think she envisioned us dropping them at her house at a much later hour...not possible as we both start early in our jobs).

Have you even asked her yet? Despite your gloomy prognosis about her employment prospects, childcare may not be something she wishes to do. Having seen lots of grandparents complaining together at the supermarket etc that they have even corralled into looking after their grand kids because they are thought to have nothing better to do with their time ( and discussing this openly in front of said children), it would be an option of last resort for me.

That said, BIL and SIL have had huge amounts of live in help from MIL which seems to have worked out well. However, they also employed a full time nanny and house cleaner ( working overseas). The kids loved it.

I wouldn't like the living in part in afraid. My parents and pil do all our childcare for us, but we only live 20 mins apart.

Ditto the boundaries mentioned, when they drop off DD doesn't really want me for a while, which is hard, so I like it when they leave and don't hang around too long so i can spend some time with her.

I would say it is important to research groups and things for DC to go to. Pil weren't too keen initially but my DD really needed something more, she's now in preschool so they do less. She has a good balance of mixing with others and developing a lovely relationship with her grandparents.

Sometimes they will do something that I wouldn't do, or don't like but I generally leave it as it's rarely major, i can imagine that would be harder if they are living with you and think it would put quite a strain on the relationship.

I also meant to say, that your OP is very "me, me, me". You only seem to be thinking about possible negatives for you, where I can see far more negatives for MIL!

I don't want to be the voice of doom, but, what if you give up your DCs' places at nursery & then either MIL or FIL (if there is still a FIL about) falls ill and cannot continue with the arrangement?

What you are asking is fairly huge TBH. Does your MIL have any social groups/clubs/friends in her home town? Would living with you half of every week mean that she had to miss out on things she would like to do for herself at home? I don't know how old your MIL is, but a 5 hour round trip & 3 days babysitting every week would require a fair bit of energy!

Both of my parents have died, both fell ill unexpectedly (if you ever expect terminal illness). I suppose that is why I have to ask whether you have thought it through properly from every angle.

Having to live with my mil/mother would be enought to put me off sorry.

'your children will miss out on interaction with other children as your mil is unlikely to go to mom and tots groups etc.'

This is not necessarily true. There are grandparents who look after their DGC at every playgroup/singing group/story time/ soft play session I go to, but I do live in an area where it is very common for Grandparents to help out with childcare.

I go to one playgroup where it's 50% childminders/nannies/au pairs and 40% grandparents. There are usually a couple of SAHD's and maybe 5 or so mums.

Sorry if missed this bit but have you actually asked your mil?

Have to say the fact that she would be living in and not as a professional nanny does but as a family member would be a definate no no for me.

You couldn't access child care vouchers and your children will miss out on interaction with other children as your mil is unlikely to go to mom and tots groups etc.

The delicate boundaries and tact needed as a professional childminder are endless but to have to do this with your mil sounds very very difficult.

Also she may absolutely hate living away from her own dh.

This could all end badly and it's not a nursery or a cm who you part company with but it's your own family.

Think very carefully.

My friend did this 2 years ago and has regretted it since for these main reasons!-

What she agreed to pay her mum ended up much more than nursery as you can do child care vouchers through your wages for nursery and not family

She felt the kids missed out tons with mixing with other kids. In nursery kids paint, cook and get messy pretty much all day which family may do snippits off but no comparison to nursery

Once kids in preschool age 3 child care costs drop loads but you may feel torn reducing your mils pay? My friend agreed to pay her mum £500/month for 3 days (using vouchers she could have got this for £200!) and even now her kid is in preschool she still pays mum it as she became reliant on the money and if she's doing preschool pick up its not like her mum can get work elsewhere

Then there's the fact nan becomes as important as mum and sometimes my friends child wants nan more than mum which my friend really hates.

Having had two kids in nursery I can't think of any significant benefits of taking a child out and having them looked after by family... long term. Ok as babies, but once they reach 2 or 3 they really do need to be mixing with kids.

For me the fact you can't save cash using child are vouchers would be enough to put me off.

personally,i wouldn't think this is a good idea. particularly the fact your mil has to travel to you and live in - i can imagine that being quite hard going, no matter how good you think your relationship is. will she know when she's ;off duty' and back off the kids? when do they become your responsibility? confusing for the children i would think.
i would think it easier to get a nanny/nannyshare or even a childminder if you are not happy with nursery, especially as your dd is so young.

i think your mil may eventually get fed up with the arrangement, particularly the travelling and may become resentful and then you risk the fall out from that.

I haven't done this myself, but the though of MIL living with us half the week is giving me cold sweats and palpatations. You must get on well with you MIL to be considering it though. I have seen people warning against this, maybe have a seach for old posts if no-one comes along.

Things to think about are; 1) if you're paying her I think you'll still need to pay tax/NI and employers NI, because she will be working for you and being family doesn't change your tax obligations (although I imagine it's much easier to pretend you're not paying her if tax evasion is your thing!); 2) You can go to work if the DC's are sick, but what if MIL is sick? Is she likely to be ill often?; 3) Have you considered a nanny? How much are you paying daily in nursery fees? It's possible you could get the benefits of MIL looking after them, but without the drawbacks of someone living with you half the week and of mixing family and business.