Mum / MIL doing child care when I go back to work

Zoo, I don't think set hours or days have anything to do with it. It is no different to employing a self employed cleaner every weds for example.

Worth checking though, but I don't see how it would be an issue.

I did this about a year ago when I returned to word two days re week. Although MIL had my dc one day and nursery the other.
Don't want to repeat othe rpoints mentioned but just to add, what would your back up be if She was I'll one day?
My MIL naturally caught a cold etc from time to time and didn't feel up to taking my dc that day. Was a pain as she was my only option so I would have to miss a day working.

Apart from that it worked for us.

'I think the first thing to say is that you don't have to pay tax or NI for her. She would register as self employed and file a tax return'

Check this for your own situation. The rules for being self-employed are very strict and nannies (which is what she would be I think) are very, very rarely able to be self-employed.

It may be different for doit as her mother lives with her.

Generally to be self employed you need to dictate when you work, what hours you work, how much you charge etc. In your situation it seems your MIL would be needed on days set by you and for times set by you, and would be paid a rate set by you so I'm not sure how that fits with self-employed status.

Oh, I took so long to type, I missed your post. I see which camp you fall into re emotional attachment to GPS!

My mum does my childcare and we temporarily live together, DH included.

I think the first thing to say is that you don't have to pay tax or NI for her. She would register as self employed and file a tax return. HMRC wok out how much tax she is liable for. She can pay voluntary NI contributions. Wrt to the childcare vouchers making childcare cheaper, perhaps you need to look into how much it would cost that way and see if it is a doable wage for MIL at that rate.

Secondly I don't mind if my kids are really emotionally attached to my mum...I think it's nice.i accept that other people want to be the most special person in their DCs life, so you need to think about which camp you fall into!

Re living in, my mum has her own living room and bedroom, so can be quite separate. This works well as everyone gets their own space.

Also as my DCs get older, my mum does the before and after school care, which is fab. I come home from work, they are fed, entertained, often bathed and in their pyjamas, meaning I get stress free time with them, which is lovely. She also does homework!

It can be difficult at times, especially if we disagree about something to do with the kids, but we try and be adults about it.

Can you discuss all of your thoughts in detail before you start?

I have a friend who has this arrangement with her own mum and it works brilliantly for her. She works 2 days per week, her mum comes Monday night and leaves wednesday night or Thursday morning. My friend loves it granny gets the kids ready on morning, manages to get some housework done and makes dinner for everyone! They've been doing it for just over a year. It has meant her 3yo can go to the nursey attached to local school in the mornings and now has loads of friends she will start reception with.
The granny loves it, she's a very active person who loves looking after everyone.
I think it depends on your relationship, I could do it with my DM, but my MIL is a nightmare, my DH would move out if his DM moved in!
If you and DP have a good relationship it could be ideal, but you need to long talk about it, with alot of 'what would happen if...' questions.
Personally, I think your DCs being looked after at home by a family member who adores them is ideal. (and any set up where you don't have to get DCs up, dressed, fed, and delivered to nursery before your working day starts has to reduce stress levels!)

'we would likely stick with plan a, ie both kids in nursery'

Whatever you decide about your MIL, please don't put your 11 month old baby in a nursery you are not 110% happy with, and don't send your DS there if he isn't happy.

A nanny would probably cost slightly more than 2 nursery places, but can take childcare vouchers, you have the option of nanny-share or a childminder. Do look into these if you're not happy with the nursery.

So you'd pay her for the 15 hours you get free for your 3 year old?

They are actually advertised as saving over £1000 per year and as parents can both do it, that's over £2000 per year. He much it actually affects your pay depends how much you earn or pick. But yes, I was only £100 worse off than normal after full vouchers taken out

Child care vouchers - I used to pick up £100 less after £243 vouchers was taken out. Dh did the same so yes we did get £500 vouchers for £200. For well over two years

she could be come a ofsted refg nanny so you can used childcare vouchers but of course you will have to pay her tax an ni

i know some one who mum came and stay with them for 3 days a week

she did 3 week on one week off
on the week off the locally living mother in law did it

they did for a few years
the dad also only did a 4 day week and mum a 3 day

but i think the 3 weeks on one week off was the key to keeping it working

and having both mother in law and parents all working together to do the best for kids and everyone got time with kids on there own.

i think it depends on your relationship with your mil/dm.

yes, you cannot use childcare vouchers with family but as well as allowing your lo to build up a strong relationship with her grandma rather than a childminder/nursery teacher , you're also helping her out with a bit of money. surely giving money to family is better than giving money to outsiders? I also find it quite alien the fact that some people will become resentful if LO bonds more with gran than mum. Its sad that someone should feel that way.

"My friend agreed to pay her mum £500/month for 3 days (using vouchers she could have got this for £200!)"

No, she couldn't.

Childcare vouchers are paid for from your wages before tax, so you save whatever tax you would have paid on £243 (or whatever the amount is per person).

You don't save anywhere near £300 per month.

Would there be a way of trying it out for a month? Then your DMIL and you and your DH can see how it goes. It is the type of thing that could be a huge disaster or a huge success. It could bemore relaxing or you and the DC's and I am sure you DMIL could take them to playgroups or whatever to meet up with other DC's
Do you have a spare reception room that you could set up or your DMIL so that you could escape each other if need be? She might be happy to retreat to her bedroom in the evenings.

You need to be honest about how fussy you are about how the DC's are looked after. (there are zillions of threads on MN about this ). If it were me, I would love my DC's to be looked after by a loving DMIL or a DM.

Oh, you also asked about boundaries :)

We don't really have any. My DM is at my house, essentially being my 'housewife', for nearly half of the working week. She washes up, sticks clothes through the washer, hangs the resulting clean pants on the line, signs for parcels, takes phone calls from banks/utility companies/doctors etc, feeds the cat .... all the things that I would do if I were there. I don't think it would be easy to keep the same barriers you could with a Nanny, because she will want to do things a Nanny wouldn't do in order to help you. Again, I find this extraordinarily helpful and would struggle without it, but to DH it feels odd that his MIL is so involved in his life.

My DM has my children two days a week.

You asked whether it is hard to ask them to look after the DC in the way you would like - the answer is yes! You have no real control over how they are cared for whoever they're with, but at least at nursery there are procedures and standards that you can ensure you're happy with. I am lucky in that my DM raises the children in a very similar way to me, and we spent a lot of time together during my maternity leave, so the kids have always known DM and I work as a team. I still don't know precisely what she does/says to them all day though!

Does it put a strain on your marriage? Absolutely. My DM normally stays over the night before she has the children, but she arrives late at night, often when we've gone to bed. So we have an 'evening in' with DM maybe once a week. I think it's fine, but for my DH it is his MIL not his DM, which I know is more difficult. I hope our marriage will survive it, because the DCs really benefit from the days with their GM.

Does it work long term without causing resentment? Sort of! We've been doing this for about 18 months, and my DM says she's happy to continue. But we use a very flexible nursery for the other days of the week, so my DM is able to pick the days she comes with a few weeks notice. That means she rarely has to miss a social event, can do two spaces days or two days together depending on what she'd prefer, and can normally change days at fairly short notice if she wants to.

Does it work financially? It does for us as my DM doesn't want any money. I don't know how it would work if you paid your DM - as someone else said, you'd probably have to pay her as if she were a nanny, which would cost you and her NI, tax etc. it would also mean she is employed - would that affect pensions?

In conclusion, it works for us :) But we have a very flexible system, my DM is less than an hour away not 2.5 hours, my DM can pick her days, we only spend one evening a week with DM, DH and I together (not half a week) and we're all willing to put the children first when we get shirty with each other (which does happen). In your case, it sound like each of the things that I think make my system work will be a little bit tougher (less flexible, more travel time, etc).

For what it's worth, my DM was hoping to do a similar thing for my DSis. I don't think it is going to happen now, because DSis is 2.5 hours away an will have fixed days. My DM doesn't think she'd cope with the extra travel and organisation in her life (e.g. Leaving my DF a dinner on the night she travels, because whereas she can eat with him then drive 50 mins to us, she'd have to travel earlier to go 2.5 hours). I think it is a pressured system, and the extra travelling time and rigidity of days would make it too hard.

Good luck, whatever you decide :)

I think it's a great idea. At least your motherinlaw will love your children and show an interest in them in a way that a nursery could not.

The living in might be a pain but its only three days not all week.

Think it depends really if your mil would take them out. I see lots of grans with their grandchildren at toddler groups and parks etc. think you would have to have a really good chat and show her this thread so you can discuss the negatives.

so you havent actually asked them?!
although you suspect they will be keen - i would think the enormity of what you are asking - will be eniugh to make them want to say no - you are effectively asking them to live seperate lives for half the week to save you some money? unfair imo and be careful how you suggest it, they need to be able to say no without feeling they are letting you down

What about when she wants to take a holiday? You might feel obliged to holiday with them or at least at exactly the same time.

Do you even have a spare room for her to stay in overnight? If you do, what about having a lodger (Government's rent a room scheme allows tax free income up to a certain limit) so you can pay for nursery more easily?

PS I would look around for better childcare though if you are not happy.