Child Special needs mothers never told me

I had an interview where the patents talked vaguely about tantrums and pushing boundaries. Turned out that little boy had problems too, which were being investigated, but the parents didn't want him labelled.

Yes, I was angry. I felt like they hadn't been honest, I felt they didn't tell me the while truth about why previous nannies left and I considered quitting.

I didn't because the parents were receptive to my suggestions and after the first couple of months things calmed down a lot and I sometimes forgot that he could be very challenging for other people. So it may not be that the mother intentionally mislead you, OP. He doesn't have a diagnosis and for her it's not necessarily a problem, she just hasn't communicated well. It depends whether you feel you can work with that.

maybe some parents dont want to believe that their child has special needs - hence not mentioning it but by mentioning can be difficult is a way of expressing her views?

this is what the mum is like that im working for at the moment-as i said the little boy im looking after is being accessed but mum says he is fine and wants to send him to a private school in my area which is well known for its pushiness and tbh this boy wont manage to keep up there :(

Just that's what I've understood from your post not as Asparent thought. I think Just you have been more than fair and the mother should be ashamed of herself. In the job I'm currently I found the oldest child child was asthmatic because when I was cleaning his room up I found the inhalers. I was really cross about it. I have never and will never understand why some parents don't see how important it is to be honest with the people they entrust their children, for their children's safety.

Happychappy I agree with you entirely. The original poster did not say that she was thinking of leaving because she had not been told that the child had difficulties (she said that she had been told this). She said that she was thinking of leaving because the parents had not mentioned autism.

OP needs support from the family to work through the issues, this requires communication. Something the parents seem to have difficulty with.

It doesn't need a label but it does need discussion.

Well said HappyChappy.

I have worked as a child minder and a nursery nurse, and have a DS on the autistic spectrum. From a parent point of view I would be mentioning this at interview stage as I would want to hire someone positive and proactive who was willing to learn about my son as an individual and work with me as a team, mentioning challenging behaviour or SENs tends to thin the herd.

I did child mind an older child with challenging behaviour who was very likely on the spectrum and had a lot of challenging behaviour. All I was told to start with was he "could be a bit sulky", he was violent, moody, aggressive, etc - I was his 13th child minder! (I found this out 6 months in). I was determined to not fail him and he really came out of his shell. He needed a lot of patience, attention and thinking outside of the box!!

OP I can understand your frustration that you came into this situation blind, but I hope you will consider staying - this will depend though on how the parents handle their home situation e.g how do they handle meltdowns, violence, etc.

Asparent I am a nanny, I have worked with a number of SEN children and I am also dyslexic and my son is dyslexic and dispraxic. I would never dream of asking someone to look after my child on a long term basis without informing them of my son's situation if it was relevant. It doesn't need a label but it does need discussion. The nanny should have been told that ** has difficult with .... and needs some skillful handling and at times can do XYZ. Physically can be very scary and unnerving. Had she known she would have mental prepared to deal with it but she isn't and wasn't. It simply is not fair on anyone in that situation.

A simply example in my family is my son can't tell left and right and also has a slight eyesight problem in his left eye. I informed the coach so he can put him on the right sight and when doing exercises requiring quick comprehension and action on instruction suitable clear instructions were given. For my sons sake so he didn't feel stupid and coach didn't get angry with him because of not being informed of the facts. I would be livid if a family did this to me.

If you believe that working as a child carer is about attaching labels and acting in response to the label then yes you should definitely leave as this family needs someone who is able to work as a part of a team with them to discover what this child's individual needs are and helping to provide for them.

A parent of a child with undiagnosed SEN is in an impossible position - depending on what part of the country you are in it can take years to get the appropriate help (if ever), in the meantime the playground gossips are attaching all sorts of labels from "disturbed" to "retarded", the education authority are refusing to do anything for a child that is achieving educational targets, health professionals present a series of possible diagnoses requiring further differentiation and may be suggesting everything from family therapy to medication...

As a professional nanny you should be working out what you can do to HELP, not feeling sorry for yourself.

IMHO

The mother definately should have been upfront, for her son's and your sake. You've known this boy since August? In terms of autism, the whole transition of getting to know you and your routine has probably taken him that long (and longer) just to get familliar with you. Transitions, whether big ones or small daily ones, can be very hard on people with autism. Find out how the parents respond to challenging behaviour. If you're doing something different, it won't work. You all need to be consistent. Find out everything they know about what triggers the behaviour and a few strategies to head them off. Find out what relaxes him and what he likes in his daily routine at home so you can replicate it as much as possible. If the boy is a good communicator, you and he might work on him being able to have set words to tell you when he needs a break from a crowded/busy situation or if he is feeling overwhelmed. And do let the parents know asap if you are thinking of leaving. The next transition doesn't have to be as difficult.

I can't help feeling that if the mother isn't upfront about her son's SN she's going to have a string of nannies quitting on her. It's not fair to the nanny or the DC for her to be hiding this and presumably the boy with SN is not getting the additional help he may need either and his brother sounds like he's suffering. What a shit situation all round. Mother needs to face up to this and get some proper help.

Haha sn experience! Did you know that as soon as you add sn to anything you pay three times the price or can't get anything.
Mum didn't mention it as clearly he doesn't have a dx and she's not keen on "label" and therefore isn't likely to tell people.

You need to tell her your planning on leaving because it might take a while to find someone with "experience" and also she will need to prepare him too.

cansu I think that's a bit harsh. The mother wasn't honest upfront about the demands of the job and nobody's ever obliged to tell their employer they're thinking about leaving. Justaname said she was going to see how it went and give it another couple of months. I think that's fair enough. If she does decide to leave hopefully the mother will look for someone who has experience with SN or at least be honest about it.

tbh if you are already looking for a new job I think you should be upfront about it. If this child does have sn such as autism then consistency and routine is really important. As a parent I would be quite irritated if I had just got my child settled only for nanny to leave as he or she had sn.

You need to speak to the mum and find out the facts - she could be in denial or simply the boy is being difficult or that he does have problems / special needs but no one has assessed him or picked it up

I'm Temping for a little boy at the moment and the dad thinks he had severe sn - I think possibly mild autism or aspergers from his behaviour - the mum thinks he's ok - and at the moment is being assessed

This poor child has been labelled so many times, autistic or Asperger, ..speak to mum for clarification and then contact your Early Years team for support and training...don't second guess

My 12 yo ds has been experiencing extreme behavioural issues including excessive anxiety & anger since starting secondary school. School think he may have mild Aspergers & his is undergoing counselling & assessment but he has no actual diagnosis. It may be that your charge might be in a similar position of having suspected but not diagnosed autism.
Either way it would have been helpful if the parent had discussed this with you not so you could refuse the job but so you understood how best to meet her sons particular needs and deal with any outbursts appropriately (or indeed recognise triggers & head them off before they start). Definitely read up as there are many strategies you can use to help prevent meltdowns & deal with the ones you can't prevent. Don't give up on him though and talk to Mum

The parent/s should have told you but i d think you are bieng a little harsh. Read up on Aspergers/Autism.

good luck

Tony Attwood has written a good book about Aspergers Syndrome. Borrow/get the Parents guide version as the big book he has also written is probably too much for your needs right now.

The parents may be members of their local NAS (National Autistic Society) branch and they may have a lending library.

Yes I feel they should of told you and given you information about it, strateges they use to cope with meltdowns, known triggers. Consistency and routines can help.

Of course, we don't know if this child actually has a diagnosis, in which case of course the mother hasn't mentioned autism.

I think she should have mentioned the tantrums, though. (Having said this, I play down DSs challenging behavior to people, hoping it won't happen too much when they are around. )