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Original poster

need some help wording this to parent...

31 replies

SkinnyMarinkADink · 03/09/2012 16:33

I am a cm. Only look after one child 50 hours a week.

When i found out i am pregnant the plan was to carry on till the baby is almost due (January) then have 6-8 weeks off and get back to work, i have since discovered that i will get maternity allowance and its not a great deal less than i am paid for this child so there is the first change that i am going to take the full 9 months off to spend time with new baby and dd.

Next problem, the child i look after is a totalnightmare, his mother doesn't support me with any behaviour issues nor does she support me in other ways, maybe it is hormones but a couple of examples...

I was admitted to hospital a month ago, she bugged my dh constantly as to when i will be back to Work

we have recently moved to an area out of her way, as a compromise i agreed i would meet her in the mornings at her work, however i did say if her or her dp are not at work they could drop off and pick up from me to give me a break from driving dd out early every day..she agreed however her dp refused to and most mornings for the last 2 weeks i would drive home behind him every mornings at 7.30am.

I feel they are very inconsiderate to me and most of all each week i am out of pocket because the child's food needs have changed yet when i mention she needs to pay more it gets shrugged off.

anyway, i now have spd and made the decision i will go on maternity leave from the end of October, i am feeling to stressed to deal with the poor behaviour and inconsiderate parents for the rest of this pregnancy.

How do i broach this in clear terms? Im not very clear and don't like to confront people with anything. i can't carry on like this though.

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LonelyLou · 09/09/2012 13:40

SMAD! Just when you think it can't get any worse she comes up with more ways to take advantage of your good nature.

There's a saying:
"If you've always done what you always do.
You'll always get what you've always got"

Don't be a doormat and try to reply "Let me think about that" or "I'll get back to you on that." when anyone requests anything of you. This gives you thinking time before you drop yourself in it again.

If you don't want to do it, try:
"I'm flattered you've asked me but..." as saying an outright "No" is not easy for you is it?

She's obviously neglecting her child as she's not a mumsnetter! We know this as she would have seen this thread and taken the hint by now. Grin

Original poster
SkinnyMarinkADink · 09/09/2012 09:39

Missing un in unpaid there

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Original poster
SkinnyMarinkADink · 09/09/2012 09:37

Hi all, thanks for more support replies they mean alot!

on Friday the parent asked me if i would take 3 weeks off u paid as they are short for money..

I firstly pointed out, i wouldnt be able to pay my bills if i did that..(if i could afford 3 weeks with no money I would not be working)

Dh then said to agree to doing 3 day weeks for the time she asks. i get time off away from her and she saves money so its a win win really, i spoke to maternity allowance people too and they have told me i cant get ma till 29 weeks, claims from 26 but no money till 29. so i am going to have to stay on a little longer, but with the 3 day weeks in the middle it will hopefully fly by.

Re eating... he has always been a total nightmare, he was only eating jars (10month) upto a few weeks ago. i have no idea what he eats at home but for me he is now eating property food its taken me a very very long time to get him eating.

OP posts:
SavoyCabbage · 09/09/2012 06:38

I think you should give the notice straight away. Don't discuss it with her. You might pick up some easier childminding duties once you are feeling stronger. Once people see you are free they might ask you.

bigpaws · 09/09/2012 06:26

Meant 'Dont wait...' but 'Dont wail..,,' is actually a good error!!

bigpaws · 09/09/2012 06:24

Give immediate notice. Don't wail til the end of Sept. They are giving you no consideration. Some kids are always snotty, but 6 ear infections in 12 months?!

Don't totally rule out returning to childminding. You have just had bad luck with this family. It can be such a lovely job when you work with grateful parents and their adorable children. Like someone else said, you might meet a friend at Baby Group looking for childcare.

Have time to enjoy your child before baby arrives. Good luck with pregnancy. Relax, and review things in 9 months time. X

mathanxiety · 09/09/2012 04:31

She is neglecting her sick child.
I would be very tempted to call ss anonymously when you are finally on mat leave. What actual parenting of this child do the parents do? They don't attend to him when he is sick and they are too busy to even bring him to you. Do they feed him? You said you were the one who got him eating solids.. Had they even tried?

However, you need to look after yourself first. Any way you can take off sick earlier than the mat leave? Even a week might help you keep your spirits up.

Write the short letter suggested. They know you are pg. You don't owe them anything more by way of explanation.

LonelyLou · 07/09/2012 21:15

Congratulations on the girlie news! I'm sure they'll keep a close eye on you. Keep a close eye on yourself though aswell. Thanks

Original poster
SkinnyMarinkADink · 07/09/2012 10:37

Sorry I've not been back.

i ended up taking him back on Wednesday, he still is full of snot and I've given up telling her he needs to see a Dr.

His behaviour is appalling, i am at my whits end, i just wish there was a way i could stop working no but its not possible with finances it would cripple us.

Had some good and bad news yesterday, were having a girl (good) but will need regular scans as she couldn't make out the heart properly it was all a big blurry fuzz(bad)

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LonelyLou · 06/09/2012 22:37

Any update SMAD?

LonelyLou · 04/09/2012 20:28

Yes. I agree. No GP visit no minding. This is neglect on the parent's part. Lazy bgrs!!!

You have a right to refuse to look after him and tell her you have a 'duty of care' as a childminder to refuse.

ReetPetit · 04/09/2012 19:34

oh my goodness Shock that is terribly neglectful... my ds suffers badly from ear infections and has exactly as you describe. he has one atm and I have waited hours for him to be seen today. that is just awful.

please,please call/text this woman and tell her you can not take her child until he has been treated, it is not fair on him or on you, it is not your job to care for HER sick child. She needs putting in her place.

ZuleikaD · 04/09/2012 18:05

Yes - refuse to have him back until he's been to the GP.

Flisspaps · 04/09/2012 17:04

Tell her he's not coming back until he's seen the GP and has medication to treat his ears.

Feel no guilt about taking your full ML. I started mine in Jan, DS was born in April and I'm hoping to start work again next week Smile

Original poster
SkinnyMarinkADink · 04/09/2012 17:00

GOOSSSHHH I AM FURIOUS

i have just asked the parent how the child is, apparently he is fine so she has not bothered to take him to the Dr today..yep he was so fine yesterday wax and puss was seeping from his ears and he cried when i gently cleaned them so fine that he couldn't breathe through his nose

Lets bare in mind he has had 6 ear infections in the year i have looked after him....

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Original poster
SkinnyMarinkADink · 04/09/2012 14:59

Not to bad today, although i don't have the mindee so tomorrow may be back to being rubbish.

The thought of giving notice is making it all a bit easier to cope with

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SheilaWheeler · 04/09/2012 14:37

I had a family who treated me in a similar way. Oh, the relief when I finally gave them notice!

LonelyLou · 04/09/2012 11:27

How are you feeling today SkinnyMarinkADink?

ZuleikaD's post seems helpful. Have a look at your NCMA contract and quote the appropriate bit in your letter. Can you afford to stop immediately?

If you haven'y got a contact you could stop immediately anyway. Or go 'sick' after giving notice.

Not my personal usual style but I would in this case if it were me. A bit of her own medicine.

ZuleikaD · 04/09/2012 06:54

Actually if you've got an NCMA contract then what you describe as her response when he's ill is a reason for immediate termination if you want it.

Original poster
SkinnyMarinkADink · 03/09/2012 21:14

I would not wish this family on my worst enemy, i was thinking a few months back a child minder friend could do it but decided against losing friends.

i feel better knowing i am going to do it. its like waiting for a holiday to come, you know when you go into non caring mode?

Of course i will carry on and treat him the same as every other day, i doubt i will be as understanding from now on though!

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MissTran · 03/09/2012 20:42

Talking from experience but as a Nanny, I had a similar issue, having the childs mother constantly accusing, verbally attacking me with abusive language and criticising me up down left right centre.
One day I couldn't take it, I told her how I feel and being treated unfairly, I believe that if you cannot be able to work and perform your duties and what you do best, you should state how you feel and leave,

I do not appreciate being a nanny and caring for somebody elses child and receiving ungratefulness.

I was going to ask if I could cover your maternity but then I thought no, I do not want to go through that again.

JennerOSity · 03/09/2012 20:41

To be honest, anyone employing a pregnant person (in whatever capacity) would be pretty naive not to have in the back of their mind that any stated intention/plan as to how they intend to proceed with their maternity leave (when it will start, how long it will last etc) could be subject to change for any reason at any notice - the nature of pregnancy and possible unexpected factors makes that a given.

As this Mum has had a child she should be doubly aware of this.

Therefore you need waste no time or energy feeling guilty or thinking about how or why you can change your mind.

Just give her your notice as per omfgkillmenow said.

Once your baby is 9mo this inconsiderate family will be a much more distant memory and giving them the flick, if they haven't already replaced you will be that much easier. I don't suppose, based on what you have said of them, they would spend much time thinking about you in the reverse situation.

Get tough, write the letter, and then enjoy the feeling of relief once you have done it!

Original poster
SkinnyMarinkADink · 03/09/2012 20:33

I don't think i am going to go back into childminding after this baby, DD will have her funding in preschool so will find a part time job and just pay for baby to go to someone, I have truly lost my sanity in the last year. This family have really worn me down.

Spoken to DH tonight, i am giving notice at the end of September and leaving the end of october, i will be 28 weeks by then. It is less time off with the baby but to be honest will be totally worth it for the time with my DD before the baby comes along.

there has been a real pain with sickness with this mum, i would always take the child if he had a cold, there has been many ocassions i have asked her to collect him and she hasnt shown for hours on end, One time i took him to a&e myself and he was admitted. A few weeks back he came with a rash, then DD got it, Then i got shingles turned out they both had a chicken pox virus type thing good job i had pox already that was fun in a&e!

So today he turned up with a cold again, i saw his ears were all puss like and leaky so i called her to get him, that was at 1pm..she came at 5pm!!, i actually TOLD her he isnt coming to me tomorrow. I just wish she would have some consideration for me i do so much for her! i got her son eating solids for goodness sake! i wouldnt mind if she is at work but she is on holiday even took her DD home with her and left her DS which i have no problem with... if he wasnt ill!

Just got to stick out a few weeks. I know the piss taking will probably get worse, well i dont actually think it can get worse.. Demanding i be 20 minutes early to pick him up and leaving me sat for 45 minutes rejecting my calls is pretty bad isnt it??!

I stupidly looked her up on twitter, probably i have broken some rules there but it has made my blood boil a little bit

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LonelyLou · 03/09/2012 19:27

Many of us are feeling you are being used if not a little abused so trust your obviously correct own gut instincts and give notice.

It seems you'll have as much support on here as you need to get you through this.

Set yourself a little target. Carry it out. Set yourself another little target. Do it. and before you know it this will be in your past and will be a learning curve for you.

ReetPetit · 03/09/2012 19:04

another one who is going to sound harsh here! it is very hard in this job to be forceful, i find, because we open our homes to these people and bare all to them, in terms of home, family, ourselves etc BUT I really think you should take your full maternity leave and don't worry about it!! You don't have to apologise, you have done nothing wrong. Give them notice and be done with it. They sound like users and you and your baby do not need the stress. You can get another child when you are ready. Please give them notice, for your own sanity. You have done nothing wrong, you are taking what you are entitled to. They would drop you without a second thought. Just do it. Good Luck x