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Original poster

My last day of employment was a nightmare

57 replies

bettina46 · 27/07/2012 13:10

Hi, I feel devastated. I didn't get a reference. What did I do wrong?
Yesterday was my last day of my employment as a nanny. I arrived with thank you cards, a bottle of wine and a big box of chololates for the parents and a present for the little one. It was something very special for him and I will never forget how happy he was when he opened it. When I came up with those things the lady was lying on the floor playing with her son and didn't bother to stand up. Her husband collected those things from me. She said thank you but looked offended and went upstairs to have a shower. Later on she gave me a card sighed by her husband and herself, another card sighed by her son and a photo of the child in a frame and and left for work without saying goodbye. Both parents came back home exactly at the time I was supposed to finish work, said thank you for organising another exciting day for their child, the boy said "You won't come again?" And his mummy said : "She won't come again unless to say hello". I felt really miserable when I heard that, I gave them their keys back and left. I know she is not happy with me at my leaving but I didn't expect her to behave like that.

I was their nanny for 2 years and started looking after the child when he was a little baby. They liked me because although I'm not a native speaker I've got a uni degree and I was a teacher back in my country.
I loved reading books with my liitle charge, doing arts and crafts, attended groups and classes, went on regular trips often with other nannies and their charges, organised plenty of play-dates, cooked lunches from fresh ingredients only and did everything else I was asked for but first of all I loved the child with all my heart and gave him as much attention as I could. The child was not allowed to watch TV - he didn't, was not allowed to have sweeets or biscuits - he didn't, had to have his afternoon nap in his cot - he did. I obeyed all the rules and did not do anything against parents' wish.
In the first year I felt that I had a very good relationship with the parents but that changed in the autumn last year when I was told that I had to work back 8 days. I worked 4 days a week, Monday to Thursday and had 16 days paid holiday + Bank Holidays (I chose 2 weeks they chose the rest). My employers had obviously more days off from their work and last year they went away for 6 weeks (24 of my working days). After that they asked me to work 8 Fridays for free to make up those days they were on holidays. I thought it was not fair but I worked those 8 days. And I often worked on Friday and got another day off at a very short notice. Meanwhile my finacial situation got worse (my husband didn't have a job for a while) and I told my employers that I would be more than happy to work also on Fridays or do some babysitting to earn more money. As they could not offer me more work I started doing babysitting for other people. My employers were not happy about this and were not as nice to me as they were before. I found a permament babysiting for every Friday and could not do ad hoc Friday work for my 4-day family. At the beginning of this year I was offered a full time job from the new family and I accepted. I've got two children at school age on my own, huge bills to pay and I really needed full-time job and more money. I gave 3-month notice and gave them contact details to 2 friends of mine who would take up the job after I leave. My employers decided not to employ another nanny but to work from home from September as the boy will start nursery then. I don't understand why they didn't give me references.
I would appreciate your comments.

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maples · 28/07/2012 16:29

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Original poster
bettina46 · 28/07/2012 11:14

eastnorth, I'm sorry, but you just don't understand my post

OP posts:
eastnorth · 28/07/2012 07:32

Niamh I was being sarcastic she can't really love the children with all her heart.

My own nanny is very professional I can see she is genuine with my child and loving that's fine by me, she does not need to love him with all her heart I can do that.

Bettina has said she has a picture on her phone when her Mb has bothered to frame a picture for her how ungrateful.

Maybe the boss is horrible or maybe there is a reason for no reference. Who knows?

Still don't think her last day was devastating just because her boss didn't give a suitable present or come in early.

HolyCameraConfusionBatman · 28/07/2012 00:37

OP I wouldn't worry about your English, it's fine. Some people just jump on one phrase and attack. What you meant was perfectly clear from the context and your other comments.

Eastnorth I wouldn't bother with a present/speech/coming home early if you don't actually mean it. Instead maybe give your nanny (and everyone else) the benefit of the doubt. If one phrase, from a good nanny who doesn't have a English as a first language would set alarm bells ringing for you, you need to take a look at how you judge people tbh. It's a shame for your children that one of your requirements for a nanny is that they don't love your children.

Strix · 28/07/2012 00:08

I think she is very wrong to refuse you a reference. But, if you force her to write a reference... how flattering is it going to be? I'm not sure you are going to actually want the reference you receive if you have to force it.

Blondeshavemorefun · 27/07/2012 23:59

So you have bluntly said to them in person - please can you write me a reference?

What did they say?

I still don't think your last day was a nightmare as your title said :)

Hope you get the reference - ifthey don't then not sure what you can do tbh

NiamhThomas30 · 27/07/2012 23:55

eastnorth Fri 27-Jul-12 20:25:10
I suppose she can't really love the child with all her heart as she would not be leaving.

That's quite unfair to suggest?! She has her own family commitments, and children. Should stay at the cost of her own family needs? Love doesn't pay the bills!

Original poster
bettina46 · 27/07/2012 23:51

As I said all I can see that your employers have done wrong is not giving you a reference
And that's the point. I didn't need a card or a photo - I have some photos of my charge on my mobile. I needed a reference!
I spoke with them about it last week and I send two e-mails to both parents and they didn't get back to me with it.
It was a proper job with a contract but not through agency. I advertised in the Internet. They registered me with Offstead nad nannytax but I have no idea where to go if they don't give me the reference. CAB?

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 27/07/2012 23:39

Yes I did. There seem to be 3 kinds

Those like I have had who try and come home early / exchange presses / take out for farewell meal / say thanks etc

Those like some my friends have worked for who say nothing / not even a card

Those like yours who gave a card and said thank you

As I said all I can see that your employers have done wrong is not giving you a reference

Original poster
bettina46 · 27/07/2012 23:35

You wrote blondeshavemorefun that some employers don't even give a card or say thanks. I know lots of nannies in west and south-west London and all of them have lovely employers. My last employers used to be more friendly.
Just yesterday they were so cold and made me feel guilty for leaving them. I gave them 3-month notice because I wanted them to know that I care. Leaving the job was not an easy decision.

OP posts:
Selks · 27/07/2012 23:10

Bettina, it sounds like you are - and have been for your last family - a lovely Nanny, and I don't think there's anything wrong with acknowledging that you grew to love your charge. It would take a hard hearted person to care for a child for two or more years from babyhood and not grow to love them.
I'm sorry you feel that you've been treated coldly by this family when finishing work with them. It sounds like they didn't want to lose you and have been ungracious.
Re the reference, unless they actually said that they would not give you a reference they might be expecting that you request one at a future point should you need it.
Best wishes, and I hope you enjoy working with your new family.

Blondeshavemorefun · 27/07/2012 23:03

My comment was in jest :)

Please dont think you can't post on here again

I'm lovely really - just rather blunt :)

As I said Many employers don't come
Home early - some don't even give a card or say thanks etc

Original poster
bettina46 · 27/07/2012 22:58

Thank you maples :)

OP posts:
maples · 27/07/2012 22:54

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
bettina46 · 27/07/2012 22:52

I'm not English and I didn't know that there is something wrong in saying that I loved the child with all my heart. I liked that child very much and I was happy when he was happy. What's wrong with that?
English is not my first language and I still don't understand many expressions. For example ' the hand that rocks the cradle ' is something I don't understand but I feel that it means I'm a freak.
BTW I didn't expect to get a present. I just thought the parents would come home a bit earlier, would talk to me and give me the reference.

OP posts:
eastnorth · 27/07/2012 22:30

If my nanny said she loved my son with all her heart alarm bells would be ringing. Your adopted child is like your own and won't go out if your life like a minded child would. I love my families children because they won't go out of my life either. I can honestly say I love my own child more than anything else in the world.

Just text them in a week say you would love to see the child and could you pick up a reference at the same time.

Blondeshavemorefun · 27/07/2012 22:18

No one said you can't love your charges - just the average nanny doesn't love them with all their heart

Obv any child you give birth to or adopt is different - they will be in your life forever so course you will love them

I ws kinda joking with the hand that rocks the cradle remark but I never called you a vengeful psychopath

I still think your last day wasn't a nightmare and your employers havnt done anything wrong apart from not giving you a reference

maples · 27/07/2012 22:08

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Redglow · 27/07/2012 22:01

My point was I bet you love your adopted child more than the child you nannied for. I could never leave my own children but could leave the children I mind because I do not love them in the same way. I think you English is fine by the way.

Original poster
bettina46 · 27/07/2012 21:55

Yes, redglow I should remember that I'm only a nanny and thank you all for telling me that I was not allowed to love that child I looked after.
Well, I don't think I'm a vengeful psychopath but for some people I really am. 13 years ago I adopted a child and, yes, I love him but probably for some of you I seem very strange. How can you love a child who you didn't give birth to? That's impossible, isn't it.
I shouln't write that I loved my charge with all my heart but I was really fond of him and in my opinion good relationship between a nanny and a charge is very important. I asked for a reference and didn't get one. I thought somebody will help me understand why.
I've just realized that I shouldn't write here as my English is not good enough to express myself. Thank you for your comments anyway.

OP posts:
prayingmantisgroupie · 27/07/2012 21:37

OP - you've had a lucky escape. Obviously it's sad that you will miss their DC and that you feel slighted by the way they said goodbye to you, BUT - these are people who made you work 8 of your days off, for nothing! All because THEY chose to take an extended holiday, and then realised you 'owed' them the days. Sorry, but that's bollocks. I've never, in 20 years of nannying, had parents treat me like that, and I would leave any job where they did because it shows such huge disrespect. They sound hideous. I hope you enjoy your new job and they treat you right. Smile

eastnorth · 27/07/2012 21:37

I think blondes was sort of joking ! She just sounds really odd to me . Having said that she should get a reference. If my nanny leavesI must remember to come in early and give a speech .

Oh I must also buy a decent present as it is obviously expected.

Blondeshavemorefun · 27/07/2012 21:36

Yes In all my jobs mb/db come home a bit earlier and they gave me presses/ take me out for a meal etc

But it's not as if op's employers ignored her/ didn't say thanks/give a card

As I said some parents are more forth coming with their emotions

Tbh the only thing they have done wrong imho is that they havnt given a ref within the last 3mths

NapaCab · 27/07/2012 21:25

The reason to get one now is because if this woman is not able to be mature about the situation now, you have no guarantee that she'll be professional in a year or 2 or even 5 years time, should you need a reference from her again. It's better to get a written one now, I think.

NapaCab · 27/07/2012 21:22

You sound like a great nanny and that you took your job seriously and did it well so you deserve a reference. Even though you have a job lined up already to go to, you'll still need a reference from this couple and you deserve one too because it seems you've done nothing wrong except leave the job. You spent 2 years with this family so any future employer will want to see a reference from them as it's common to get references from the last two employers that you have. This couple don't own you and while they may hope you will continue as their nanny and be a nanny to any future child, they can't expect it.

Sorry they are being so mean. Did you have a written contract and proper employment terms with them or were you hired through an agency? If so, I would ask nicely for a reference a couple of times by phone and in writing and if this woman still refuses, I would press the matter and be very firm, using your agency, if you have one, if necessary. Make it clear to them that it's not fair to hurt your future employment chances because they're put out by you handing in your notice. They sound a little self-involved and seem to not understand how important references are, especially for a nanny.