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Original poster

Advice for an au pair.

114 replies

Lucyinthesky14 · 09/06/2012 13:55

Hi mumsnet, i've been on so many websites seeking advice but alot of it isn't very useful and some can be quite mean. someone recommended this site to me before and i hope i can get some help. I am not a mum, but i am au pair living abroad and i would be so greatful for your help. I have been here for almost 2 months, when i came here everything was perfect but now things are starting to go a bit downhill and it doesn't seem so peachy. i dont know what to do or whether im overreacting.

The thing is i feel very uncomfortable around the dad. When his wife goes out he often asks me round to keep him company, to drink wine or to watch a movie. I went once and he was a bit strange with me, asking how things were with my boyfriend etc. and i have made a point of not going there alone since. He asks if i will go on a solo trip alone with him to Berlin, Which strangely enough his wife supports him with! When i got here i agreed to it, as i had said how much iwanted to go to berlin, and first thought that he was being friendly but now i wonder if there is an ulterior motive. His wife knows about this trip and him asking me round. i said i will be happy going to berlin alone, as i quite a confident, independant person, but he insists on going with me as he knows where to go etc....i dont know if his wife knows about all his invitations. He often sends me emails or skypes me when he goes away, asking questions sometimes to do with the children but sometimes just general chat. i try not to give him much cut, but as i said before sometimes you dont want to come across as unfriendly. The other day i had lotion on my shoulder and he was like, oh here let me get it for you, and rubbed it in! He gets emails when i update my facebook with anything and puts little things on his fb in english now, when he doesn't speak that language and neither do any of his friends. He also insisted on walking me back to my flat one evening i'd been out, and just stood at the door staring at me. i literally live a second away from their flat and wouldn't have needed to be accompanied back. he never does this when his wife is there. I generally feel uncomfortable and feel like he always wants to talk to me and be near me. He looks at me alot, and i dont know if his wife is oblivious to this or aware of it, either way she doesn't say or do anything, or doesn't see it as a problem. And the other day he told me i was being 'bitchy' and acted wrongly after he and his wife tried to persuade me to let a 17 year old boy stay in my flat who is going to be working with them. I don't think this is very acceptable as i wouldn't stay with a stranger back home, so i wouldn't do it here. I also thought it was rude the way he talked to me saying that. They had mentioned this man staying to me three times, even though i told them blatantly that i did not agree with it the first time. I felt a bit pressurised the third time they asked and he said that because i got upset, that i reacted badly and was 'bitching'. I am in my early twenties, and he is only 5 years older than me. I just want to go home now, but i dont know if im possibly over reacting or what? is this normal behaviour? Is he just being overley friendly? I wanted advice on this site as i know you will be honest with me. If it isn't right, how should i leave. should i give notice, or just go? please help!

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Sarcalogos · 10/06/2012 17:14

Please book the first flight you can. You know you don't want to stay, don't wait for something terrible to happen. Imagine this was your best friend, what advice would you be giving her?

Original poster
Lucyinthesky14 · 10/06/2012 16:56

Thank you ladies, i won't be able to get a flight from near where i am living for a few days anyways, and i will judge the situation from there. If anything happens i will leave and go the city for a few nights instead. thanks again.

OP posts:
catepilarr · 10/06/2012 14:15

didnt read the whole thread so sorry if i repeat too many of the answers. get out of there, as soon as you have arranged what to do next. if i am right you can easily change families in germany now /unlike few years ago/. if you wnat to saty in germany and can last that long until you find a new family, do. if not, just get out and go home if at all possible with situation at home. dont blame yourself. you are not to blame!!!! things like this happened to lot of girls /including my friend who aupaired in london aged 17/. good luck!!!

Original poster
Lucyinthesky14 · 10/06/2012 09:37

no no not at all. I just met them through a popular au pair website, i'd spoken to two other really lovely families, but they weren't needing me until later on in the year. So i sort of rushed things with this family, and even though i felt it was a bit strange with them at first (he dealt with everything, he would talk to me on the phone, if i emailed and asked anything she'd wait for him to come home before the question would be answered etc) but the money seemed better than most other au pair jobs so i went for it. i know now it was only better because im with them so many hours! The first wee while i got along with them really great, and went places with them and the family, and we'd go sightseeing etc. But now everything has sort of changed a bit, she's still nice to me but i dunno what she is saying to her friends....most of them arent very nice to me when i meet them or when im around them...and they tend to always talk German around me, but where i am at the language is spoken in dialect, so i can never understand what they are saying. Apart from the occasional english translation they give to me. so that can be quite difficult also. Of course he always translates everything for me when he is around.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 10/06/2012 09:11

Just a thought: were either of them a friend before this au pair relationship started? Is that why you find it so difficult?

Original poster
Lucyinthesky14 · 10/06/2012 08:43

Thank you ladies, i will keep you updated with what goes on.

OP posts:
Frakiosaurus · 10/06/2012 07:12

I'm going to hazard a guess and say you're in accounted beginning with A.

You're a free agent and there are so many places you could go on a weekend trip so if you're worried about trying to leave that's scary.

This is practically an abusive relationship and you need to get out. It has nothing to do with ages (we have a similar age difference with our live in nanny and if I thought DH was trying it on I'd castrate him). I'd hate to think what they would be like with a naive 17yo. Being friendly is one thing but they should respect your space. Restating the invite after a first refusal could be okay of they thought you were saying no out of shyness or because you would like to but felt it wasn't your place.

Besides if you're going off with one of the parents it should be the mum unless it's something you and the dad both have a passion for.

savoycabbage · 10/06/2012 01:44

Don't worry about that. It isn't your fault that this has happened. You didn't do anything wrong.

They will manage.

Original poster
Lucyinthesky14 · 09/06/2012 23:57

Thank you! No i have plenty money. I'm just worried about leaving them in the lurch, i think i'm too much of a softy when it comes to things like that. But i know thinking about it that it's not normal behaviour and i will have to go.

OP posts:
tiggersreturn · 09/06/2012 23:44

Please get out of there ASAP. This is not normal behaviour to an AP or to any teenage girl living with you. It is inappropriate and unlikely to change. You are feeling threatened and you need to act on your gut feelings as they will be right.

Are you worried about money? Can you call your parents and ask them to book you a flight from their end and have the airline have the ticket for you at the airport or if a cheap airline - email you the eticket? Just leave a note and go or if you are worried they'll come after you and the flight is short send an email once you've landed.

Good luck and I hope you find a nicer family the next time you try. There are lots of us out there.

Original poster
Lucyinthesky14 · 09/06/2012 23:40

Yeah you are definately right, i think it's because we are so close in age-wise. about 5 years difference. Which , looking back now, was a huge mistake.

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QuintessentialShadows · 09/06/2012 23:36

They are bad.

I speak as somebody who has been the "mum" of three au pairs.
When you have an au pair in the house, you try to be in locus parents, NOT friends on an adult level. The relationship you develop is on a totally different level than the one they are trying to get off the ground with you.

We have remained friends with all our au pairs, and have been visiting, invited for weddings, etc. Our friendships have developed years after they left us, not because friendship were foisted upon them when they were working with us.

I have been through homesickness, coursework and exams, relationship beginnings and break downs, late evenings out, spiked drinks, and tummy bugs and what not with "my girls". They have changed my kids nappies and mopped their fevered brows when sick. Over time mutual respect develops, even though we were originally "old farts" when the girls first came to stay, agef 17-20.

Original poster
Lucyinthesky14 · 09/06/2012 23:23

Thanks guys. you are right. I am talking myself into thinking that its me thats wrong. and they arent that bad.

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savoycabbage · 09/06/2012 23:20

Stop talking yourself back into the job!

There are other jobs. I worked as a nanny when I was your age and it was a blast. The parents weren't together but the dad was there a lot. Not once did I feel uncomfortable with him.

They treated me nicely, did not expect me to house 17 year old boys, didn't get upset when I wouldn't do what they wanted, didn't ask me to go away with them without the children.

Don't worry about their childcare. They will be fine.

Sarcalogos · 09/06/2012 23:16

Please go before next weekend.

What's in this for you? Even if he turns out to be a bit socially inept and not actually a threat, you don't have to hang around and find out. You are a free agent, you only have to please you.

For what it's worth, i think you would be safer elsewhere. And I think you know that- or you wouldn't have been worried enough to start this tread. Put yourself first, you've got everything to gain.

Original poster
Lucyinthesky14 · 09/06/2012 22:49

It's quite difficult in regards to my hours, as i knew i would be committed to the family for a bit more than 20 hours, but not as much as 40, or above. The law in this country states that i can't work anymore than 20. I didn't realise this until before i came, silly i know. But i'm not getting paid what i should be getting paid for that hours at all. for 20 hours a week you should get paid a minimum of 380 euros a month, but i do around 40 say, which will be more probably next month, and i get paid 500 euros a month. At the same time i don't mind working so much, if it's just me and the kids it's fine. i love being around them. But not when he is at home lingering about.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 09/06/2012 22:43

Arent they letting you down by taking advantage of your good nature?

Original poster
Lucyinthesky14 · 09/06/2012 22:27

I'm quite a dutiful person i suppose and i hate the thought of letting people down, especially because i really do adore the kids and at times they can be really so nice to me, especially the wife. So in my head im thinking, am i imagining this, is it as bad? however even tonight when i went round for supper, he is trying to persuade me to go out with him and his sister in the city for drinks, and when i say no, he's like, oh nooo you have to come! i don't know the big deal as to why i've got to be there. and then they arrange that me and him go alone to a skiing competition in the town next to theirs next saturday!! i said, yeah with the kids aswell and they both are like, nooo, probably no kids, the kids will just get bored. just you and Hostdad!!???? it was the mum who said this though. i dunno if this is just cause they think i might be lonely? but i've said a million times i like my own space and like doing things on my own, so its not like im crying out for company.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 09/06/2012 22:07

I am really worried that you seem to put your responsibility to them above your responsibility to keep yourself safe.

They are already manipulative and controlling.

They have you work more than your contracted hours.
They are monopolizing your spare time, even you trip away to explore another city.
They want you to have a stranger living with you. They become abusive when you dont comply.
They can keep an eye on your comings and goings through the court yard.
You are worried about leaving.
You are worried what they may think.

You are a commodity!

They seem to have a very unnatural "hold" on you.

I see so many red flags here.

Original poster
Lucyinthesky14 · 09/06/2012 22:05

Hi guys. thanks again for all the advice. I will keep you up to date with everything, please don't worry. I have really good intuition and i will let you all know exactly what happens.

OP posts:
Sarcalogos · 09/06/2012 21:43

Lucy there is something about this that makes me worry. Please leave this weekend, just go. Take your passport and your favourite things and go to the airport/a hotel and then home as soon as possible. The alternative is too horrible to think about. This could be over as soon as you leave.

nutellaontoast · 09/06/2012 20:01

He's trying it on with you (and from a postion of relative power too Angry), and they're taking the piss by making you work TWICE the contracted hours. You have already done more than enough, you don't deserve to be treated like this, you will find another position and they'll find alternative childcare. Remember, their children are ultimately their responsability not yours, and it's they who have overstepped the boundary thus losing their help.

This sort of thing is fairly common unfortunately, the only solution is to get out asap. You'll feel relieved when you do Smile.

blueshoes · 09/06/2012 19:58

How weird for them to ask you to go on hols with them alone. Maybe they are swingers or have strange open marriage . It would be best to get out of there.

ImperialBlether · 09/06/2012 19:50

Don't forget that she may worry if you just don't come back, so make sure you do tell her so that she doesn't panic.

SoldeInvierno · 09/06/2012 19:26

When you are home and safe, you can always start again and find a nice family. You don't need to mention this one to anyone. You've only been with them for a short time, so just pretend it didn't happen.