Parents sending children to cm while they are on holiday themselves

Wow some of the posts on here have been positively vicious, and remind me of why I don't spend much time on MN any more. The CM is providing 60 hours a week of childcare, so unless this mother works right next door to the CM, she works a 60+ hour week. And some posters on here have the nerve to begrudge her a day off? FFS.

I worked FT until DS1 was 5 and until DS2 was 2.5. Now I work 3 days a week (DS1's at school, DS2's with the CM for 4 (not 3!) days (so shoot me, I get to spend one day a week going to the gym, doing all the washing, cooking, food shopping, household admin, ironing...how lucky I am!)). I worked my arse off for years and years, working 50-60 hour weeks with 15 hours of commuting time on top of that. My plan was to work FT while my children were young, get up the career ladder so that I could then be in a position to work PT as they got older because IMO my 6 month old DS1 really didn't give a shit whether it was me or his nursery key worker that changed his nappy, but my now 5 yo DS1 really does give a shit that it's me that picks him up from school.

Maybe this mother is doing the same thing? Or maybe not. Either way, it's nobody else's bloody business.

Hi there OP. Glad to hear you are enjoying you new career as a childminder. I haven't read through all your replies as there are so many. Firstly, I advise you to change your contract with all families stating full fee for their child's absence (holidays/sickness etc) - as time goes on you will be out of pocket else.
Also, I have had a similar family to the one you speak of. Had the baby full-time from 4mths old. Even on birthdays; mums days off; snow too bad to get into work but they can drive a mile to get to me!!!!! Like you say, I feel sad for the child.

"There is the rare woman who wants to work full-time and doesn't need to (like Nicola Horlick for instance) but I would say that type is pretty unusual."

Really? I'm one of them. I don't feel like an endangered species.

Why are you not sobbing over poor baby bee not seeing Dad, Floggingmolly
That's equally sad, but according to the op, it's the Mum who has the day off and is still choosing to spend it elsewhere, that's why I was so specific

"I don't get why you would think that was dubious AThing? If I don't remember it, how can it affect me?"

I'm a little confused TBH. I'm struggling to imagine that you don't know about widely accepted beliefs about early childhood development and the effect it has on children's ability to form relationships and learn effectively throughout their lives.

I presume you reject conventional thinking about the importance of early childhood experience to long-term outcomes. I would be interested to hear why. Certainly I think a lot of that thinking is unnecessarily deterministic.

but but but again :

why are you not wailing and gnashing teeth over men working long hours, poshbird1?

also not keen at ALL on conflating fulltime work with selfishness

I don't get why you would think that was dubious AThing? If I don't remember it, how can it affect me?

I was with a CM before I went to school. I know who she is because she is also a family member, but I certainly don't remember being with her. I know my mum loves me but I dont remember being with her IYSWIM.

If perfect weekend drip-feed dad is so brilliant why isn't he doing weeks and career bitch mum doing weekends then?

I am a nanny and my boss has to pay me regardless of whether I actually work or not. therefore she sometimes uses her annual leave as time to herself; doing coursework, paperwork, running errands or actual time to herself. otherwise she spends time with her child. i know my charge would prefer playdates and groups with me instead of amusing themself while mummy is busy

"I for example am going to the gym tonight before collecting DS1 from Karate. I won't get home until 7.30 and won't really see ds2. This happens twice a week."

Do you think I would think there is anything remotely unusual about a mother going to the gym a couple of times a week?

I agree with you, it's about balance. And a baby in childcare 60 hours a week is in a situation that is already very much balanced against the baby spending time with her parents.

So in a situation that extreme, restoring balance has to involve putting time with the baby at the top of the list of priorities.

I'm accepting the explanation of "me time" given by the mother, because that's all I can do. But absolutely there might be reasons why a day away from the baby was necessary. I would feel sad for the baby though, if that were the case (without judging the parent).

"I reassert though that the baby is absolutely not missing its mum, or even knows who or what a mum is at that stage in its life. As long as it is cared for it doesn't give a damn who by."

Sorry, but I reject that assertion. It doesn't tally with my experience at all.

I also think the idea that things you don't remember have no effect on you is extremely dubious.

Although I agree with making time for children as they get older and not prioritising the baby stage above all else.

Why are you not sobbing over poor babybee not seeing dad, floggingmolly? sheesh, honestly the attitude that mum is all important and dad, well, nah, he doesn't figure is pervasive

There is an issue around why presenteesim* at work in the UK is so common, but that's not for this thread

*I think that's a word [ponders]

Flabbergasted that a Mum who works 12 hour days 6 days a week is being judged harshly for having 1 day to herself! You must all be very lucky to not have to work stupid hours to feed your children!

60 hours! I think that is sad for the baby, actually, would the mum ever actually see the child awake during the week?

I don't really give a fuck if people judge me for going back to work.

There is not even a tiny corner of my conscience that thinks I did the wrong thing.

"Not nice to judge anyone, is it?"

I don't really buy that, no.

Talking about the rights and wrongs of what is ultimately a hypothetical situation isn't really judging a person, it's just a discussion.

If the OP was the mother, asking whether people though it was a good idea to take time away from her baby under a set of circumstances she described more fully, then it would be about judging a person.

And still I think I might judge someone harshly for taking AL for a day of "me time" when they have every weekend free and a baby they barely see.

I don't really agree that people should be unquestioningly "supportive" of choices they think are poor choices made for shit reasons.

And I'm pretty sure everybody has a limit to their supportiveness.

At least I hope they do.

But AThing, no-one, not even the OP knows that the mother was taking the day of for some 'me' time. For all we (and the OP) knows she was going to a bloody funeral in Edinburgh or having Chemo, or sandblasting her dining room or even intending to shag the Welsh Rugby team in tandem. All she said to the OP was she was having a day to herself. Maybe it was for me-time , who knows and who bloody cares?

I reassert though that the baby is absolutely not missing its mum, or even knows who or what a mum is at that stage in its life. As long as it is cared for it doesn't give a damn who by.

My view is that more time, more quality time, should be spent when the child is older, is able to form coherent memories, emotions etc.

My DD didn't go into Nursery until she was 2 1/2 - is now 7. Not only does she have no memory of her dad taking care of her at all, neither does she remember her Nursery Worker, or the names of any of the kids she was in Nursery with. We've got a picture of them all, and I'm the one who has to point them all out!

What's your earliest memory AThing? Mine is being bitten by Malcom Mustoe when I was 6. Before then, not a scooby.

It's about balance if that's possible and if not sanity of the mother comes a close second. I for example am going to the gym tonight before collecting DS1 from Karate. I won't get home until 7.30 and won't really see ds2. This happens twice a week, and I am a better mum for it.

It's all a spectrum though isn't it, athinginyourlife? Lots would judge you for being back at work full time with a less than 6 month old. Lots probably judge me for not working at all right now. Not nice to judge anyone, is it?

" It's not a judge about a single day off, it's a judge about leaving a 6mo baby for 60 hours a week, but dressed up as being about a different issue."

In my case it's a judge about the whole package of a full day off for "me time" when you barely see you baby.

I have no issues (as a FT WOHM who was back at work long before DD1 was 6 months old) with parents working.

But I think if a baby is spending a lot of time in childcare, that the parents should prioritise time with the baby when they have time off.

I'm amazed that's a controversial opinion.

There's a lot of stuff mentioned on this thread as being important that I rarely if ever get to do, because I don't have family nearby and life is very busy with two working parents and small children, and something's got to give

To my mind the things that give are haircuts and a tidy house. Apparently for a lot of people the thing that gives is a baby's bond with its parents.

And yes, it does affect your bond with a baby if you barely see them during the week. I think you really have to be fooling yourself about the choices you are making if you think it has no impact on a baby whether they see their parents or not.

Is this the appropriate thread for me to confess I left my 13mth old DS for nearly three weeks so that I could meet a mate for a holiday in Fiji, stop in on another mate in Sydney, and have some fizz with a mate in Joburg on the way home? Three weeks of pedicures, massages, sunbeds, sushi, shabu shabu and champagne.

HTH.

Am sure it will come back to haunt me when child turns into psychotic loony on account of being abandoned. Still waiting for that to happen, though, and he's 9 now.

I've got no support network around me - the bit of family I've got live 5 hours away, DH is a workaholic. I'd have no qualms about the CM having her for a day if I had a day off - there's loads of stuff I haven't done in the past 7 months: dentist, smear, hairdressers, gym. I'd hate to think my CM judged me, I think I've "proved myself" for the past 7 months since I've only spent 2 hours away from her, and if I want to go to the dentist and DD is better off with a CM who is happy to have her then everyone's happy.

My CM also does the half-price discount thing btw.

It's not that easy for those of us with no family around (or a family who are nervous being left alone with DC) of which I have both types!

(can I also just say that I am not, and haven't passed any judgement on it).

When I was on maternity leave I left my 6mo with my parents for 12 hours so I could go to a wedding that DH was best man at and I doubt many people judged me for it (and couldn't care less if they did). So I really don't think it's about having 'time off' a 6mo baby.

lteve.

I actually think the whole thread is a bit of a red herring. It's not a judge about a single day off, it's a judge about leaving a 6mo baby for 60 hours a week, but dressed up as being about a different issue.

well i hope all these posters who dont like the mum having a day off work never leave their children with relatives or friends or childminder so they can go and do something fun or have some time to themselves? i left mine with a friend to go and visit my sister. and will leave them with my dad tonight so dp and i can go out, we are all entitled to some time off, maybe the next time she has a day off she will keep the baby with her but this time she has decided she wants a day to herself, so bloody what!