Nanny groundrules?

ah.. well you can't approve people in advance..

I don't think anyone is saying that the nanny should have 'more say' and the issue isn't what they do, but who with.

The OP said the nanny asked if she could take them bowling, so she knew where they were and what they were doing. Her concern is that there were some other people bowling with them who hadn't been approved in advance.

I wouldn't call a nanny over the weekend but I do think it's reasonable for a parent to have a say in what the nanny plans.
I have been home with my kids for nearly a year now and they have made local friends and I have tried out activities I know they like, so I would want them to continue that routine. If the nanny had other suggestions, I'd like to hear them, but at the end of the day, I would want to know where my kids were. Part of the reason for hiring a nanny over a CM is because although I can't be with them as much as I'd like, I'd still like them to do stuff I did with them. If they have MORE fun with what the nanny plans fine, but otherwise, why should she have more say?

aww shucks novice :)

Cinnabar - you'd be the perfect parent to work for :)

I love pictures of what's going on... One thing I am aware of tho is that some nannies don't have a phone tariff that allows them to send cost-free, so I suppose that needs to be borne in mind.

I do think the OP has had a bit of a hard time though - she's asked for advice on how to strike a balance. It is hard to leave your children with a new person when you're used to knowing where they are, what they're doing all the time.

OP - it does get easier, and you are quite within your rights to request your nanny does things your way - you will find you get more comfortable as time goes on - and if you don't, she may not be the nanny for you x

Aaah phone!

....Shouldn't met be met with horror. I prob get piccies once every 6 weeks and if I don't get a text the world doesn't end. I do appreciate my nanny that she likes to keep me involved even though I am not around.

HolyLenten, nope my kids aren't at school. I have a baby and a toddler. When they are at school I will have no idea what they're up to and that's fine. They won't be babies. I also didn't say that parents who don't text/call home or get piccies are any lesser parents as that would be absurd. Talk about stretching . Eg my husband doesn't get texts or piccies from the nanny but it doesn't mean that he loves the dcs any less than I do and he has more than a passing interest in them.

There are some nannies on here who sound absolutely ace eg Nick and Blondes and am fairly sure they don't do what my nanny does. My point was that a parent wanting to know what is happening while they are at work shouldn't be met with

Childminder here.

Plans are so hard. For example, yesterday I planned indoor activities, but the weather was so lovely we went out to the park for a picnic.

You could ask nanny to text you to let you know what she's doing? And download photos of the day onto your laptop each day/week?

I don't think you should phone on Sunday evening.

novice do any of your children go to school? If so, do the school text you during the day to tell you how they're getting on? Do they send a picture when they're out at playtime? Probably not! It doesn't mean all of the parents only have 'a passing interest' in their children. It doesn't mean the school don't recognise that the parents are the parents.

If you want the text/photos etc then that's of course up to you and fantastic that you've found a nanny who works that way, but it doesn't mean that parents who don't want this level of involvement are uninterested/not bothered and it doesn't mean nannies who don't do this are discourteous.

chocolatecrispies I agree with everything you've said, and that was certainly how it worked with our nanny - right down to the DC visiting her house.

But, all that being said, I still think for the first couple of weeks, at least, you're building up the relationship and it is nice to know at the start of each day what your nanny has in mind for the day ahead. Of course things change, the weather changes, the DC come up with another idea, etc, etc., so nothing's ever set in stone.

I have a nanny and one of the things I like best about it is that she can be much more child led than a nursery or childminder - she may come with an idea but often my ds will have a different plan and they go with that. I would find it bizarre to ask for plans ahead because that would mean she was having to try and anticipate things like the weather and ruling out spontaneous meetings etc. Also I love the fact she sometimes does things I would never have thought of. She has taken ds to her house a couple of times and he loved it, it really seemed to enhance their connection that he knows where she lives and who with. I trust her to focus on him and also to manage risk in the same way I would. I would never make my plans a week ahead when looking after my dc so why would I expect her to? I also never ring her on a day off altho I might sometimes email if we need to discuss something. When we had a childminder we did get plans every week though, including meal plans- tbh it made me a bit sad as I felt ds was losing all autonomy.

Wow! OP - you really need to relax a little and stop being so controlling. I would also suggest - very gently, as I realise you're new to this, and have only just gone back to work - that you try and set some ground rules for yourself!

I employed two nannies, over a 12 year period, (separately, I didn't have two nannies at the same time ), and I was always very clear that whilst they were working then they were in charge. Obviously I didn't expect the nanny to be doing anything irresponsible, and she always told me what they were going to be doing - but I didn't expect to have to 'approve' anything! Especially not who she was spending time with - that is simply ridiculous.

And please, please, please don't call the nanny over the weekend to talk about work. It's her time off - and she works a very long week for you as it is.

She may well be a believer in planning, but she does also have to get to know your children - I would have thought a fairly low key few initial weeks would be a good thing.

Go back to work and do your job well - and show your nanny the respect that she deserves. Let her do her job well.

To be honest it depends on the parent I do two jobs one mum doesn't even ask what we have done all day, the other mum wants a nanny diary with everything we did during the day. Really it depends what the mum wants not what the nanny wants.

The OP is being unreasonable. Having said that I always find these threads bizarre for different reasons. There always seems to be a knack of acknowledgment by some of the nannies who respond that the parents are well....the parents. Wanting to know where your children are and who they are with shouldn't be regarded as the parents interferring but as basic parenting.

My nanny texts me a once a day to let me know how the kids are and what they are up to. If she's taking them somewhere new, she let's me know in advance. If its a nice day and she suddenly decides to take them to the park, she doesn't need my permission but I tend to then get a picture of the kids at the park. I see it as common courtesy and acknowledging that I have more than a passing interest in my children and that doesn't cease just because I am not physically present. Some nannies would regard it as "micromanaging" and I get that so it does make me glad that my very experienced nanny is happy to recognise that I am the parent and her role is to support me. I do make damn sure I pay her well (we're not in Central London but I set her salary according to those benchmarks), throw in perks and treat her well as it would seem that if she left, finding someone with her attitude (if I go by mumsnet anyway) would be rarer than hen's teeth!

Anewyear. My child's friends are welcome to come here when I am in if I do not know them. If I am at work and I do not know this friend they are not allowed in.

Redglow, how do you get to know your childs/childrens friends if they're not welcome to come and meet you at your house.
dont want to start a bunfight or anything, just curious..

Interesting... As a parent I am a bit taken aback by the slightly aggressive comments of some of the nannies. Although eventually my personal view is that you have to trust your nanny to do her job, see appropriate people and do appropriate things (and if you can't then you need a new nanny!) you are both new to this particular working relationship, with the nanny having more experience of how these things usually work out, and I would expect your nanny to treat you gently to start off with and understand what a difficult transition this must be for you.

If I had felt the need to know in advance where my new nanny and my child would be and who with for the first couple of weeks, then I would have hoped that she (having far more experience than me of these things) would have humoured me and helped me to settle in to the new arrangement. Some of the nanny answers on here have been a bit unsympathetic I think...

On the other hand, I don't think this is a workable permanent arrangement, and I'm sure that once you get used to the new situation, you will probably see that too and feel happy to let your nanny make spontaneous decisions.

Having said that, I wouldn't contact your nanny on a Sunday, unless you think there is something you need to know on a Sunday to get ready for the Monday activities....

I really hope it gets easier for you - going back to work is a heartwrench (and I only had 10 months off).

That's interesting cinnabar. For me it's definitely a case of trust building up over the initial weeks / months. But I think what you've posted only goes to show that - as always - it's horses for courses and every parent-nanny combo need to come to an arrangement that works for them both.

I wonder what the OP did decide to do in the end? Are you still there, OP?

If I trust her with one aspect of the boys' lives, I trust her with all.

As a parent rather than a nanny, I trust our nanny to take care of the three most important - and fragile - people in my world. Every day she makes judgement calls about their safety and well-being, whether that involves starting DS3 on finger foods (7 months), teaching DS1 about crossing roads (4.5 years), or stopping DS2 from climbing up the bookcase (2 years old today).

I also trust her implicitly to make appropriate decisions about who to meet up with and where, and have done from her first day with us. In fact, DS1&2 have both met their "best" friends through our nanny's nanny network. Yes, it's nice to know what the boys have done each day, but I get that information from the nanny diary. I don't need to have it in advance.

Finally, our nanny used to ask permission before inviting new people into our house, but I've long since told her that if she wants to make a spontaneous decision to invite new people round then it's fine with me.

As an employer it's the idea that the nanny is doing what she wants (seeing her friends) rather than what's best for my DC that would concern me.

I don't really like finding out about things after the fact as it were. I have no problem with my nanny meeting friends, say, at the beach whilst working even if they're without kids or looking after children of different ages but I do prefer to be informed of what they're doing even though she's been here for 3 months. At the beginning I think is have been less relaxed!

Really it comes down to acknowledging the DCs parents as the ones who get to okay activities, even if it's only lip service.

Sorry if I wasn't clear. I wasn't suggesting the nanny being banned from seeing her friends initially, I just meant that, if you were a nanny, it made sense to phase that in over time and as your employer came to trust you. This was this nanny's first week in a new job, which I don't think is the time to be retrospectively telling your employer about meeting up with people she doesn't know. I can see that it might come up on the day, but I still think best practice when you're new to the job would be to drop the mother or father a text telling her about the change of plans - 'X is free and her charges are the same age so I thought it would be nice to make it group trip. I hope that's ok'. It just makes the employer feel informed and involved, which is nice when you're all getting used to each other.

Ok, so the concerns are;

1. who the adult is with these other children
2. that the children won't get on
3. that the nanny is drinking coffee and socialising and the children are not having a nice time/being watched

I think in the case of the OP all of these things are unlikely at the bowling alley, as with a 2 year old and 5 year old it's going to be very interactive as they just wouldn't manage by themselves/ if the nanny wasn't being hands on.

Generally, I can see where you're coming from you'll. I would suggest though, that banning the nanny from her friends during the trial period and then letting her see them may be more problematic. Surely, it's best to discover a slack nanny early on? If your children are old enough to talk about what they did/did they have a nice time etc then them being neglected while the nanny has a coffee shouldn't be too much of a problem.

I think if the nanny had kept it a secret it would be a different issue, she did tell the OP, just in the diary after the event. IME it often happens that we decide on an activity and then I get a call from another nanny/parent asking what we'll be doing that day, I tell them and fairly often they'll say 'oh we're at a loose end, we'll tag along'. I think a playdate at your house/their house is very different from an activity in a public place.

holy I think the previous two posters have just made most of my points for me . That's pretty much where I'm coming from.