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Original poster

Just been Lectured to by one of my mindees parents! Need to rant

215 replies

saltire · 23/01/2006 14:24

Sorry, this is a bit of rant but i need to get it out of my system. I have just had a lecture from one of my mindees parents about me using "loud and intimidating" voice tones whne talking to his dd!!!!!!

Apparently one of his wifes friends overheard me shouting at the mindee last week, and told the parents. Then later the same day, the mindees Gran had heard me shouting at her. Apparently they don't raise their voice to her because it s
"threatening" "Unco-opertive" "aggressive" etc etc.
Well i did shout at the child, twice, for the following reason

She is a child who goes around in a dream everything takes for ever with her, the 6 minute walk to school takes 20 minutes on the days i have her. Well, on the way to school, which is when the granny heard, we had crossed the road, and X had stopped, in the middle of the road, and was singing and dancing going lalalalalala. I got over the other side, and shouted "X, get off the road", no response, shes still going lalalalala.I had to adandon my 2 ds, double buggy and toddler on roadside and go back into middle of raod to get her.

On the way home from school, again with 2 ds, double buggy and toddler, the rain came on suddenly. We were all standing round in the rain like idiots whilst she's dancing round the trees in the playground, an still going lalalalala. I shouted at her to come on, she did eventually, but i had to aske her three times and then go and grab her hand. I told her that we had all got wet standing around waiting for her.

At this rate i'm the one whos going lala. The dad wasn't pepared to listen to what i had to say and told me that they left thier daughter with me and expected me to treat her the same as i would treat my own. Well if my two were standing in the middle of the road i would shout at them too.
I am really angry, but now i have written it all down i can calm down a bit now, and take deep breaths. Sorry for ranting, i just get so fed up with childminding sometimes

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crunchie · 23/01/2006 17:30

Yeah but the parents are not helping Saltire by backing her up and saying teh child has to hold on. They say she doesn't. The child gets the message she doesn't have to hold on.

As a parent you maynot agree with shouting, but my kids know if their CM takes them home they HAVE to hold hands, with me they know they don't HAVE to. But I still ensure they know that with the CM they must. I think this is why Saltire is in an impossible situation.

Hulababy · 23/01/2006 17:28

I think that, no matter what has passed as that can no longer be changed, the time has come to make sure that this little girl ALWAYS has to hold your hand or onto the buggy when crossing a road. TBH I don't think a 4yo is old enough to cross without doing so. At 4yo they have no road safety at all and they do daydream and go into their own world.

DD's nursery will only ever take out 2 children per adult out at a time, to ensure that each child is holding an adults hand whilst on or near roads. Think this makes sense. I wouldn't be happy with anything else.

I also think the parents are not helping by telling you that she doesn't have to - lay down your rules or say they may need to consider alternative child care. However I do think the parents have a right to be upset at their daughter (a) being in the middle of a road on her own and (b) being shouted at by a professional child carer.

starlover · 23/01/2006 17:25

even if it means a talk with the parents again... just to point out that it's easier if there is the 2 of them and just her to make sure she is safe.
but when she is with saltire then she HAS to hold on, because she has other kids to consider and can't just dash after her

starlover · 23/01/2006 17:24

but surely the safety of the hcild is the priority here.

if i was taking a 4.5 yr old across a road i would make her either hold onto the buggy or i would hold her arm, even if she didn't want me to.

it isn't enough to just say "she doesn't want to"... if a car had hit her would it still be the child's fault?????

crunchie · 23/01/2006 17:24

See Saltire's post here
'She used to hold my hand when crossing the road, and held onto it all the way to school (or she would hold onto the buggy). Since Christmas though, she keeps telling me she is a big girl, and doesn't want to hold on. I did mention this to the dad, and his reply was
"well she is a big girl now, we are so proud of her, she can put her coat on by herself now, she learned over Christmas. We don't make her hold our hand, she's big enough to walk besdie us because shes our special big girl" '

So how can you win??

crunchie · 23/01/2006 17:22

Starlover, may I just make a point. Saltire asks the child to hold her hand/buggy, child says no 'she's a big girl now'. Saltire talks to the parents about holding hands, they say 'she doesn't need to hold hands, she's a big girl now'.

Now that puts Saltire in an impossible situation. Her rules are child X should hold hands, the parents of said mindee say she doesn't need to. Hence you end up with Child X lalalalaing in the middle of a road, and Saltire not being told off about leaving a child in teh road, but for shouting at the child to get it's attention to get out of the road.

omega2 · 23/01/2006 17:16

I would make her hold on while crossing roads - despite what her parents say. I am a nanny and have some rules which are different to the parents and it doesn't hurt the children as they understand what i say happens. I insist the 4.5 year olds i look after hold on to the buggy everytime we cross a road even though they are very sensible and grown up girls.

sorry about my kick up the backside comment - it was a very fippent lighthearted remark that maybe i shouldn't have said but i am afraid that is me!

starlover · 23/01/2006 16:48

saltire i think you're missing the point... you say

However it seems that it was unprofessional of me to be concerned about her getting knocked over by a car.

No, it was unprofessional of you to be in a position where she was left in the middle of the road! sorry if that is harsh... but it's true!

you should insist on her holding your hand whilst crossing.

Blandmum · 23/01/2006 16:47

Just as an aside, I desagree that shouting means you have lost control per se. It may mean that you have lost control, but I have shouted to my children to come back, to stop doing x, whatever, to make sure that they can hear me, and have always been in control in these circumstances.

If the gran also shouts, and she was the one who complained to the parents, I think the child may well be geting mixed messages, this is one you need to sort out with the parents.

oops · 23/01/2006 16:44

Message withdrawn

starlover · 23/01/2006 16:41

i would be appalled if a childminder had been shouting at my ds

and i'd be worried if i found out he had been left to stand in the middle of the road!
sorry, but you don't just cross a road and THEN realise that you've left one on it!

Original poster
saltire · 23/01/2006 16:40

happymumof2, i don't always have 6 children in the mornings, mostly its just my, plus 2 mindees.
I think some people on here think i totally lost it with child x and screamed at her. I didn't, however i did raise my voice as my main concern was the fact that she was lalalaing in the middle of the road, and despite asking her, she wouldn't move. However it seems that it was unprofessional of me to be concerned about her getting knocked over by a car.
The second incident again involved me raising my voice, along the lines of "X will you please come here now as we are all getting wet waiting for you".
If my child was in the middle of the road and not moving then i hope whoever was looking after him would raise their voice at him to get him to move.

OP posts:
IckleB · 23/01/2006 16:33

Maybe it is because the child has never been shouted at that she gets away with her dangerous behaviour tbh I really think she needs to be told and firmly. I try to talk to my eldest dd rationally and always have tried to keep my temper but when it comes to things like this its not always easy. All it would take is someone driving too fast or not paying attention whilst driving and then her parents would have something quite different to say. I know childminders who look after as many children as you do and i think we should all leave it up to ofsted to decide on these numbers as they have met you and registered you etc...., it sounds as though the numbers are fine if X would co-operate. What happens at school? do her parents tell the teachers they can't shout at her? In most situations a little chat can be the answer and whenever possible I think thats the way to go but if X was my child and lalalaing in the road you would definitely have my permission

HappyMumof2 · 23/01/2006 16:15

Message withdrawn

crunchie · 23/01/2006 16:09

But there is shouting and 'calling loudly'. If my dd was in the middle of the road I would call her, then if she ignored me I would call more sharply, then if I were ignored I would probably shout. If she is ignoring the CM totally and 'tuning out' then sometimes the shout is what is needed to get attention. Saltire didn;t necessarily shout nastily IYKWIM

Blossomhill · 23/01/2006 16:04

I really would not be happy if anyone shouted at either of my children. I personally don't think it's very professional and once you have got to the stage of shouting you've lost control.

KateF · 23/01/2006 15:54

It does sound as though this little girl has some issues with attention/living in her own little world.

crunchie · 23/01/2006 15:41

Is this the same Granny who told the parents they had overheard you??

I would defineatly have that conversation with teh parents ASAP

Original poster
saltire · 23/01/2006 15:20

Just a wee update. have just met child X and her granny, who was picking her up from school. X was way in front of the granny, and had gone onto the road, doing her usual lalalaling. Granny then shouted at X to get off the road! On the way past i said to her
"its so difficult when they just run off isn't it?"
Perhaps i should tell parents that i saw the granny using "intimidating" and "threatning" tones to teh child.

OP posts:
ayla99 · 23/01/2006 15:12

saltire - Some of my mindies are used to running free with their parents. I explain to parents that they only have one (or 2/3) children to watch - its easier to run after/grab their child if necessary. I have a huge responsibility for each of the children in my care to ensure their safety & I insist on hand holding until they can show they can walk sensibly.

I put everyone in pairs (the most likely to run off/not listen holds my hand). Under fives hold my hand or the buggy.

Some mindies don't like it at first, but if you are firm & consistent they get used to doing things a little different at the childminders just as they have to learn different routines at preschool and school.

crunchie · 23/01/2006 15:04

Saltire I can totally see your frustration, but at the same time I can see other points here and I think the parents aren't helping matters tbh.

I would talk to the parents again regarding this matter and explain that you did indeed shout and you apoligise for that, but that by refusing to hold your hand or buggy to go to school is putting their DD's life in danger. I would tell them that the rules when their DD is with you is that she HAS to hold hands/buggys whenever you are near a road. If they are not prepared to help you with this and be consistant, then I would feel perhaps you are minding the wrong child.

With the lying, I would ask the parents in front of the child when they drop off if they have fed her breakfast. Do this everytime and she will soon see she cannot lie to both of you.

madmarchhare · 23/01/2006 15:03

So 6 kids on some days? I know I wouldnt feel that she was safe if she wasnt holding my hand near a road (given that shes prone to running off/lagging behind).

Serious chat with parents on oder I think. Its you thats going to cop it if there is ever an accident.

Blu · 23/01/2006 15:00

It does sound as if there is a mood of general upset, which must be horrid for you.
Could you explain that it isn't practical for her NOT to hold on when she is with you, and for health and safety, would they tell her that she should co-operate, when she is with you? Then they might see the connection with the shouting! It is unfair that they undermine you if you are trying to get her to hold on.

Original poster
saltire · 23/01/2006 14:55

She used to hold my hand when crossing the road, and held onto it all the way to school (or she would hold onto the buggy). Since Christmas though, she keeps telling me she is a big girl, and doesn't want to hold on. I did mention this to the dad, and his reply was
"well she is a big girl now, we are so proud of her, she can put her coat on by herself now, she learned over Christmas. We don't make her hold our hand, she's big enough to walk besdie us because shes our special big girl" This is word for word what he said. I feel sometimes i'm banging my head off a wall. thanks for your comments, even the ones who said i shouldn't have shouted.

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soapbox · 23/01/2006 14:55

I still stop to take my DS(5yo) hand crossing the road, and he'll often still walk most of the time holding my hand. With DD(7) I always make sure she is right next to me and tell her when to cross. Sometimes I let them take turns in telling me when it is safe to cross - depends how busy the road is.

I think I would stop just before the kerb, ask her to hold on to buggy just to cross teh road and then set off. When she gets to the other side she can just let go.

Leaving the house 10 mins earlier might be the answer, that way you've built in doddling time rather than feeling you;re up against the clock IYSWIM!