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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Cm advice re screaming 2 year old

36 replies

thing1andthing2 · 06/02/2012 13:58

Hi,
I have a 2.1 yr old dd who has been going to the same cm 3 days a week for 17 months. Dd has always been quite clingy with me but has settled quite well at the cm and usually goes there happily.
My DH has to go away for work for anything up to 3 weeks at a time semi regularly. Recently when he goes, dd gets terrible separation anxiety and apparently "screams all day" at the cm's. Cm was so concerned about it last week that she called me home from work on the 3rd day at lunchtime to pick up dd.
There is nothing physically wrong with dd, she's healthy, sleeping and eating well and happy at home. She just doesnt want to be away from mummy when daddy is away.
I kind of feel the cm ought to be able to deal with an upset child, as it's kind of her job to help children settle and feel secure. I'm just getting worked up at the idea of leaving dd again this week, her being sad, and on top, having to deal with the cm's long face and reproaches in the evening ("it upsets the other children").
AIBU? Should I just expect the childminder to deal with it? Or should I be scheduling time off and working from home every time my DH goes away? I don't know what to do...

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

thebody · 09/02/2012 23:26

It will work out as she has a g8 mum and cm, and of course she a clever little monkey as all kids should b! Also it's very easy to give advice on other peoples kids, mine ran rings round me too of course, hope all goes well for u all

Original poster

thing1andthing2 · 09/02/2012 20:44

Thanks thebody. The good news is although this morning was bad she had a really good afternoon so hopefully the new hardline approach is working. Crossed fingers for tomorrow.

OP posts:

thebody · 09/02/2012 17:05

Just to add I don't in any way see your dd as naughty just that she knows how to push both of your buttons and is doing just that. Can't say I blame her because it's lovely to get all the attention , she just has to learn that attention us given for positive and happy behaviour not for screaming.

Also get ur dh involved, he has to help with this and don't agonise or go into much detail before he goes away, be calm and matter of fact.

My dh used to bring the kids little chocci gifts when he came back fro
Trips and we would have family video and pizza night. Make his coming back positive not the going away negative.

Good luck and remember just a phase.

thebody · 09/02/2012 16:51

Also get ur dh involved, he has to help with this and don't agonise or go into much detail before he goes away, be calm and matter of fact.

My dh used to bring the kids little chocci gifts when he came back fro
Trips and we would have family video and pizza night. Make his coming back positive not the going away negative.

Good luck and remember just a phase.

thebody · 09/02/2012 15:28

I said this in my post and was flamed for being hard for putting your dd in time out.

Your cm sounds lovely but letting ur 2 year old control her is plain daft.

Also although your ideas for settling your dd were good to take all if those things every day to a setting is not sensible, in my opinion you and your cm are trying my h to hard to 'understand ' her behaviour.

Your dh works away, so has mine since my Dcs were little, you need to work, stop pandering to her both of you, cuddles and kisses, lots of activities and fun, keep her busy but if she screams then your cm needs to ignore her in time out.

She will soon learn, it's not cruel it's sensible or between the two of you she will be spoilt and that's not fair on her.

Original poster

thing1andthing2 · 09/02/2012 11:01

Well DD had another screaming day yesterday despite all the stuff I took for her. I went to pick her up half an hour early and me and CM had a bit of a chat. It sounds like CM changes her plans quite a lot if DD is having a screaming fit. Which sounds to me like DD has found with screaming she gets the whole household to revolve around her! At home she just has to do what me and DH say, protests or not . Anyway, I said please don't stop doing your planned activities just because of DD, that's just incentivising the screaming! Hopefully if CM is more boundaried not only will DD feel safer but also she'll eventually realise screaming doesn't get her anywhere.
This may sound harsh towards DD, but at home she talks quite happily about her day, eats well, sleeps well and doesn't protest about the idea of going to the cm. It's only outside the door of the cm's house that the "cuddle mummy" starts. So I can't believe she's traumatised by her day with the cm! Also the cm gives her loads of attention, love and cuddles, so she knows she's safe there.
Isn't 2 the age where they start realising they can control their situation a bit more and throw their weight around? Maybe DD has found screaming at the cm's to be a good way to get a bit more attention focused around her?

OP posts:

scummymummy · 08/02/2012 20:05

That sounds brilliant, thing. Hope it works. :)

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 08/02/2012 18:21

How was your daughter today when you picked her up, OP?

I agree with PP that said it must be so hard for all of you - CM, your DD and you, OP!

Unlurked · 08/02/2012 18:02

That sounds really positive thing1, I hope it all works out for all of you

Original poster

thing1andthing2 · 08/02/2012 16:24

I took DD to the childminder today with a big bag of things from home - all the pictures of mummy, daddy, grandma etc from her bedroom wall, 3 teddies she chose, Daddy's t-shirt, mummy's scarf, her blanket. She talked quite happily about going there and the cuddles she would get. She still cried and clung to me when we got there but I went and sat down with her and we got out all the things and showed the cm and she seemed quite positive.
Today at work I have slacked off made a book for DD with photos nicked from the internet and a story about how daddy goes away, how he works there and how he comes back and gives DD cuddles. Then I have a page that we will fill in each time Daddy goes away about where he's going and how long for. The CM thought it was a good idea and said she would read it with DD.
Hopefully it's enough to help DD turn the corner. I have every confidence in the CM's care of DD but we've always had communication issues between her and us as parents.

OP posts:

scummymummy · 07/02/2012 20:07

I would expect the child minder to be able to deal with it and if she couldn't I would change child carers. If she's unable to settle your daughter she can't do the job you need her to do. Find someone else who can.

zipzap · 07/02/2012 19:44

Or a special bear/cuddly toy that goes off on an airplane when your dh goes away and then comes back when your dh goes away... Get your dh to sleep with it a couple of times beforehand so it will smell of him.

rockinhippy · 07/02/2012 19:32

Have you got a piece of old worn clothing belonging to DP, something that carries his smell & could be made into a soft toy for DD??? - it might help her to have something that reminds her of him, that she can love & cuddle whilst he's away - something of yours too perhaps - Mummy Bear & Daddy Bear, to give ciddles whilst Mummy & Daddy work ?? - just a thought

ArMax · 07/02/2012 19:20

Having a LO that cries all the time is draining, I speak as a childminder. I had to give notice in the past to a LO who was so distressed most of the day that it was causing upset to the whole setting. The LO was very premature and apparently seperation anxiety is quite often a problem they suffer from. Her parents were very understanding and placed her in a nursery which turned out to be the answer,she settled very well. I tried all the suggestions other posters have mentioned but in the end the setting wasn't right. I know my experience is a little different but thought it might help :o)

thebody · 07/02/2012 16:21

Good luck and try to remember its only a phase and she will come thru probably sooner than u think.

Original poster

thing1andthing2 · 07/02/2012 12:24

Thanks all I'm making a list of the really good points you've brought up and I'll talk them through with my cm when I call her tonight. I'll let you know how I get on.

OP posts:

HSMM · 07/02/2012 11:05

Agreed the body. Some of mindees parents would like to be called. Others wouldn't. (Disclaimer... I am minding, but sitting beside cot of mindee who won't sleep unless I sit here being boring)

thebody · 07/02/2012 10:38

Can I just add to b fair to the cm, many threads on here deal with issues of child being upset in care settings and many parents post that' they would defiantly cross if cm or nursery didn't call their child was upset' sometimes u r dammed if u do and dammed if u don't.

thebody · 07/02/2012 10:31

Time out isn't a punishment, it's simply time out, often a good opportunity to get away from the other children and to have a one to one cuddle with me and a private chat.

Spendit, sorry but it's not always possible to give up work or for dad to stop travelling! If my dh stopped working abroad we would loose our house, the op needs workable solutions.

Hssm made some fantastic points.

HSMM · 07/02/2012 07:30

Should add ... he's 26 months and fine about it all now. It's part of his life.

HSMM · 07/02/2012 07:29

I look after a little boy who has 2 parents that keep jetting off around the world for days at a time. He went through a phase where he was finding it very difficult to cope with. I met with his parents and we developed a coordinated approach to help him deal with it. We were all kitted out with the facts about who was out of the country and how long for. We made picture books for him with pictures of planes, the parents, the countries they went to, etc. He still found it difficult and would say things like "Daddy coming back" (or Mummy), but he was much less unsettled, because we all made it very matter of fact and were all saying and doing the same things with him. He would sometimes borrow something, like Daddy's hat, or Mummy's scarf to 'look after' while they were away and this also seemed to help.

spenditwisely · 06/02/2012 23:06

Try to look at this from your childrens point of view. To them, Daddy isn't really there, they have worked out that he might be there and might not be. You are also not there, because you take them to the CM and leave, then come back. For young children this can (not always will be of course) make them feel extremely vulnerable.

Separation anxiety can have serious consequences if it's not dealt with - my only suggestion to you is to tell DP to either change his job and be home more, or you will have to stop work to look after DCs. Alternatively you could get a nanny so there is more continuity for the children. If you are having another baby soon it might be the right time anyway. Would it be possible for you to put work on hold for a while?

Unlurked · 06/02/2012 22:57

Definitely sounds like cm could be dealing with this without getting you out of work then. Have you been generally been happy with the cm in the past? Supporting your DD with changes in her life (dad being away and new baby on the way, mum being tired with pg etc) is a big part of a cm's job description. Maybe she was just having a bad week and now she's had time to process and think about things she'll have a plan in place for helping your DD to feel more settled and put your mind at ease.

Original poster

thing1andthing2 · 06/02/2012 22:25

I'd be very sad if my cm was putting my dd in time out because she's upset and scared. She's not a naughty child and I've never needed to use time out with her or any other consequence because she is so cooperative in general. Apparently on Friday she would engage in activities and every so often stop, start crying and saying "cuddle mummy!" so I don't think it's tantrums so much as upset/tearful. But she seems very angry about being left as well as upset. I have texted the cm saying we need to talk before I leave dd with her on wed. Hope we can talk things through constructively. I've got such a lot on my plate at the moment I really could do with finding a solution to this ( am 19 weeks preg).

OP posts:

Unlurked · 06/02/2012 21:32

I agree with everything except the time out thebody! It's not something I use anyway but I just think if the child is upset because her dads disappeared (as far as she's concerned) and her mum has left her to go to work, to then be isolated from the cm will just make matters worse! Anyway as I say I don't use time out with my mindees or my own dcs so I don't actually have experience of using it so I'll shut up about it now .

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