Is SAHM better than childcare? Does no one worry?

that's my problem at the moment, it's not worth it for me to go to work until i can afford to do something like retrain on a full time degree. i was in a position where i had to give up work so have nothing to go back to.

i started out (pre dc's and v.naive) as one of the women who had an axe to grind with babies being put in full time nurseries so the mother could go back to work but after 3 kids and many hours reading MN posts i have been well and truely educated! when my friends went back to work i honestly wondered how they could do it when it was my intention to stay at home with my baby.

my problem with xenia's schtick is that it's all very rosy for her but she has a very well paid job and her kids are not babies/toddlers, so she can paint her picture all she wants about how great it is to be a guilt free working mother but it seems very unattainable for the majority.

well it wasn't my intention to feed anyone's guilt or be smug, if anything i'm trying to understand the guilt of working women because i'm now starting to look for work or a course to retrain.
i appreciate it's hard to be sympathetic and understanding when i'm not in the situation myself, am i not allowed to try to understand it?

i'm not smug, i have as much guilt as anyone that my kids are missing out on something because i have convinced myself that being a sahm is the best option for me. i am the woman wondering whether to go back to work or be a sahm, that i mentioned in one of my previous posts, i'm wondering if i'll believe i'll be doing the right thing when i could continue to be a sahm for the time being.

i'm still not entirely sure what i have said/how i have said it that's been taken so offensively

Also natural when you take into account whether it's worth going to work, you really need to look at the long game. It's not about what you take home today, but about how your career will pan out in the long term.
You may ony make two quid for a few years but what will you lose if you giev it up?

Some will look a that equation and think on blance they're happy to give it up, others will feel it will prove well worth it in the long run.

It's like anyhting in life, you have to forward think.

I'd go insane if I didn't work. I am more than a wiper of bottoms and faces (obviously with different wipes.) I WOH and at home part time. The DCs have yet to explode.

Nope, I don't worry about it at all.
And have a healthy disinterest in what anyone else chooses.

Can't believe people actually fell for this OP tbh.

Fair enough - I htiught you were saying that women who didn't need to return to work (presumably becuase they had rich husbands) shouldn't do so, for the sake if the DC whereas those women who have to...well...

But for those women who feel guilty...perhaps it would be better to try to stop making them feel so guilty? In her mad way that is Xenia's schtick. She wants to point out that you can have a career and be a good Mother. You don't need to feel guilty.

That's why these threads make me s cross. I have no personal axe to grind as I don't use child care but I cannot for the life of me understand why women set out to make other women feel guilty. And that is exactly wheat they are doing every time they say child care is awful and women should be at home with their DC. It is the most unsisterly thing I can think of.

Men don't do this shit to each other. DH went out to meet some mates last night. When he told them he'd been to NY for a few days I bet not one asked him if he felt guilty.

the words "shit nurseries" were not in my post, how on earth do you conclude that from any of what i have posted?
i've listened/talked to plenty of mothers who 'have' to go back to work comforting themselves with the nice setting, other kids, exciting activites. i'm not judging their options, i just feel sad that it has to be that way for them and that is how they ease their guilt. i also wonder if some women really have to go back to work, and wonder how i am able to afford to stay at home. especially when some mothers work out they take home £2hr.

i don't have a rich husband, is that what you assume is needed to be a sahm??

But your trying to justify you being a SAHM by feeding of the guilt of working women and then using it to feel smug about your choice

i'm not piting myself against anyone, especially not working mothers!
have i put down working mothers??

have i said people should go without security???

i don't aspire to be a managing director of an international company because i am not and probably never will be a career woman, i never criticised those who are.
sahp's aren't the only people who can't get back into the workforce so i don't see that as a reason to rush back to work.

i have only wondered if there are guilty part/full time working mothers who could be sahm's who have convinced themselves they have made the right choice. i have only wondered it in the course of considering whether to go back to work or not because i don't want to be a guilty working mum.

natural heaven preserve me, are you really saying that those shit nuseries are alright for those women who have no choice but that women who have rich husbands shouldn't use them?

Last sentence should read 'if it works for you, go for it but I wouldn't go making assumptions about other peoples' lives'

The thing is if you really like being a SAHP then grand. Lucky you, you got exactly what you want.

Why the need to make everyone think it's the only way to raise a family? Or the only way to be happy?

this isn't about the parents who need or want to go back to work though, or at least that's not what i'm focusing on based on the OP. I'm thinking about the grey area in the middle with mothers who could go back to work or be a sahm, like the Op who are wondering which is the best option. they comfort themselves with the bright nursery, other children to make friends with, new and exciting activities and toys.

i'm wondering if there are some working parents who believe they are doing the right thing by going out to work when they don't have to.

i call other carers (not relatives) strangers because that's what they are! obviously the child and parent gets to know them but until the child is settled in nursery and has got to know them it is a strange building with strangers in it from the child's perspective. he may settle in and get to know them but at a very young age that will still not compensate for the lack of a parent or carer with a very strong attachment to that child.

Franca I'm sure you are great with the kids you work with but how well can an adult really know a child when they see them once a week for a few hours?

Naturalbaby it's great you love being a SAHM but dont put down others who haven't dont/want to make the same choice. Your trying to justify your actions by pitting yourselg against working mums. Like I said before life's too short to give a flying fuck what other people think of you, if it works for you, go but I wouldn't go making assumptions about other people lives.

natural security and aspiration have nothing to do with one another.

Security is about income stream, pension provision, a roof over one's head, not relying on one income. It is also about the future. There was a thread here recently full of women who had become SAHP and lived to regret it because they couldn't get back into the work force as they had thought.
That is a lack of security.

Surely is doesn't take much empathy to see that that sort of security is what some people want nay need? Without it they feel very vulnerable.

Nope,

But you won't find them (on the whole) on message boards pillorying SAHDs as boring losers. And, if they did, I would be drawing the same conclusions.

Oh please, do you think she sobs into her pillow?

And what about all those working Dads? Are they up all night with angst?

In the case of Xenia the quote "methinks she doth protest too much" comes to mind. I wonder how she really feels in the middle of the night?

larry I would never assume that parents who work love each and everuy aspect of their job. There are things about my work that do my head in. Utterly.

But I hate the idea that women, especially SAH women , try to pretend that each and every aspect of child rearing is endlessly fascinating. And that only hard faced bitches or the unintelligent couldn't feel comepletely fullfilled by it.

As I say I spend a huge amount of time with my DC as I don't use child care and they have looooooonnnnngggg school holidays. Plus I have no family nearby. But as much as love the bones of them, there are some aspect of their care that are...tiresome. I think to pretend otherwise is disingenuous.

Now I accept that I am absurdly lucky to be able to work and spend as much time with my DC as your average SAHP (more if their DC are state schooled) but I can quite understand that that is not feasible for many parents. So for those parents to work they have to use child care. I cannot begrudge them that, I'm afraid. I get it.

it's not a simple matter of staying at home or nursery - that was kind of my point in a roundabout sarcastic manner.

i do wonder if some families think they will feel more secure if both parents work because of assumptions, because being a sahm is not something to aspire to. a good job with a good salary is like a status symbol - a managing director of an international company can't be compared with a great sahm with happy kids. my only badge of honor is my happy, well behaved kids. working parents have happy, well behaved kids so i might as well go back to work and put them in nursery.
all the money in the world can buy you some extra time with your kids but i'm sure there are many working mothers who wonder if it's really worth going out to work when they take home £2hr after childcare/transport. my kids don't want fancy holidays, more clothes and more toys - they want me.

if i go through a phase of not being happy, content, fullfilled then it feels like the answer is to go out to work based on the way other mothers do things. how happy are the part/full time working mothers i come across? great for xenia that she isn't a guilty working mum, but her kids aren't babies/toddler/preschool age which is where a lot of this issue is focused on.

"strangers" is not the ideal term to define other carers. They are not strangers, after some time they become a significant person in your child's life.

As I said, I volunteer in a nursery once a week, and it took me a very short time to care for the children. They are amazing. And when you get to spend time with a child who is not your own it is very easy to understand their personality and really appreciate it.

Ok Wordfactory,

Soft play is basically a relax. You let your child come to you with things to do and play by himself most of the time. I can cope with keeping an eye on both of mine (2.5 and 14 months) and still fit in a Su Doku and a Cappuccino. It is a safe environment and really good for socialisation. Reading the same story again is something I love doing. It gives the child huge comfort and, at the same time, I find it really interesting asking them (well, our older one) questions about it and seeing what he is getting out of it, which progresses all the time.

And, going back to my old career as a banker, I give you confirmations, liaising with back office over deals that have gone wrong, producing pointless business plans for bosses who have already decided what the plan is, endless meetings in stifling rooms where people love to drone on ad infinitum about the same things, to prove their "commitment". I could go on but I imagine you get the picture.

Of course, it is horses for courses. I think everyone needs some free time and time for some kind of "adult" activity. I guess the ideal is some kind of part time work for both parents and some time with the parents, but that is hard to accomplish. And that is just a general rule. Some people love being full time parents, some detest it and most are in between.

Naturalbaby, only Xenia assumes that being a SAHP is not something to aspire to on this thread! As I said earlier I have no intention of discussing the merits of working full time or staying at home, it is pointless.

Meanwhile, it is a fact that most people need and also want to go back to work, after a few months of having a baby. It's life, isn't it, and a civilised society has the duty to ensure that good childcare is offered.

It's not that people go back to work because there is good childcare, but good childcare has to be there because people go back to work. And because parents can't always do it on their own.
It is nice to have options.

122 posts later and I see Zon still hasn't posted where their home country is mmm?

To be honest I dont give a flying fuck if other mothers go out to work or are SAHM. Do we think that back in the day that mothers had all day to coo over their children and do papier mache monsters and re-create the Eiffel tower out of matchsticks. No they were too busy with cooking, shopping, washing, and keeping a house clean without the aid of modern appliances. Children and toddlers would be looked after by the extended family and as the family has been redefined in the 21st century then this responsibility has fallen to childminders etc.

So all day with momma is a recent concept, I dont think it does children harm to be away from immediate family members for part of the day as long as they have a safe, warm loving house to come back to

larry as much as I adore my children and spend more time with them than most, there are some parts of looking after them that are tedious at best, excruciating at worst.

I give you..soft play, re-reading the same story, pushing a swing. Runs for the hills.