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Original poster

Oh gawd, second problem with nanny this week...

92 replies

headfairy · 22/11/2011 15:09

after the hitting incident we've established she didn't really hit him now one of the women at ds's nursery says she saw ds in town yesterday on his own in a toy shop. She asked him if mummy was around and he said he was with our nanny. The nursery woman looked around for our nanny and she was in a different shop the other side of the shopping centre. When the nursery worker told her about ds she continued shopping and about five minutes later went to collect ds from the nursery woman.

Ds is four and I'm really shocked our nanny just let him wander around the shoppin centre unsupervised while she shopped for herself, but how on earth do I approach our nanny to ask her about it without shopping the nursery worker? She was understandably cautious about telling me, she sees the nanny every day and if I ask the nanny about it, it's obvious it came from her.

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ChippingInNeedsSleep · 22/11/2011 21:08

Headfairy - I would not be upset if she had said where she was going (as she did), if DS was happy to be in the toyshop (as he was) and she was that close. I would be fucked off completely and she would be out on her arse if she had not noticed him wandering off.

As I said before - everyone has their own idea of what is OK and what isn't OK for a specific 4yo in a specific place etc etc etc

You seem unsure - why not talk to her and see how you feel after that.

BrianAndHisBalls · 22/11/2011 20:58

I don't understand this either:

"I do need to get the full story though... I can't come down on her like a ton of bricks if ds ran off from her and she hadn't realised"

surely she should have noticed if he ran off immediately, because either she'd be holding his hand or he would be right next to her in her line of sight and she'd see him go? Either way she'd be gone if she was my childcare.

I think I must be the worst helicopter parent in the world Grin

BrianAndHisBalls · 22/11/2011 20:56

I'm not sure it matters what shop she was in or how close it was really, if she was looking for something (tights) then she wasn't watching her charge. At 4 he could have been abducted or (more likely) wandered off and got lost.

Blondeshavemorefun · 22/11/2011 20:55

yes you should have pushed for a contract - but hindsight is a wonderful thing

what is your gut instinct?

StillSquiffy · 22/11/2011 20:53

From a legal perspective, I'd be pretty comfortable firing for gross misconduct, without notice, in such circs.

Get the story first, but TBH I cannot see any mitigating factors. She took the kind of risks she is paid not to take.

RitaMorgan · 22/11/2011 20:52

It's your responsibility as the employer to provide a contract - you have two months after employment starts to sort it out. It's not up to your employee to request one. Are you paying her legally?

I still don't understand - the nursery worker took ds to the nanny, and then the nanny went off shopping again leaving him with the nursery worker for another 5 minutes before collecting him?

Original poster
headfairy · 22/11/2011 20:41

shiney the shop the nanny was in is directly opposite the one ds was in... Clear line of sight, probably about 10m across a walkway. But... She was at the back of the shop and her attention was elsewhere.

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Original poster
headfairy · 22/11/2011 20:39

The nursery worker didn't leave ds in the toy shop on his own to find the nanny, she went with ds to find the nanny. Ds did know where the nanny was, which makes me think she said to him I'll just be in this shop... But I'm still really uncomfortable with the whole thing.

blondes our first nanny left during her probationary period as she found a 5day job (we only need someone 3 days a week), our current nanny is the second one... I'd we got rid of her the next one would be our third.

chippingin and others... The nanny doesn't know I let ds go in to toyshops occasionally on his own while I stand at the entrance. We aren't having a good week at all!!!

Stupidly we don't have a formal contract with her. She's not formally qualified though she's been working as a nanny/au pair for ten years so she didn't ask for one. We should have pushed for one I guess. When I was interviewing she was the stand out candidate, her dd is two weeks older than my dd, she lives 10 mins walk from my house and is really flexible without costing the earth. I'm so disappointed this has happened.

I do need to get the full story though... I can't come down on her like a ton of bricks if ds ran off from her and she hadn't realised.

OP posts:
BoffinMum · 22/11/2011 20:37

You can't trust her now. Time to let her go.

ohnoshedittant · 22/11/2011 20:34

shineon do you know if the nanny could see child? Do you know how far away the shop she was in was from the toy shop? Do you know how busy it was? Do you know if she'd asked the person in the toy shop to just keep an eye on him while she popped over to the other shop for a minute? Truth is we don't really know in which 'way' he was left and so no can't be black and white.

RumourOfAHurricane · 22/11/2011 20:31

This reply has been deleted

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BrianAndHisBalls · 22/11/2011 20:28

Chipping - I get your point but a 4 year old, really? I can't imagine anyone leaving a 4 year old on their own in a shopping centre shop while they go to another.

redglow · 22/11/2011 20:18

Get rid this is one thing that got back to you there could be more.

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 22/11/2011 20:16

You only have to post something on here like 'AIBU to let DS, aged 4, play out the front' and you will get a lot of people saying it's ok and a lot of people saying it's not ok then another group saying depends on the area/who is there/whatever. There is no 'one' correct answer.

If she had left him happily there (as you do), he knew where she was and she'd gone to the shop opposite I would be fine with it. If she had gone half a dozen shops away or to another floor then no I wouldn't. Everyone has their own 'ok' or 'not ok' line. Nannies make judgment calls too - if it's a different one to the one you would make yourself & you aren't happy with it, then you need to talk about it.

People will post with their own situation in mind - how their 4yo behaves, how busy their shopping centre is, what the people there are like... all kinds of things.

TheOriginalFAB · 22/11/2011 20:14

Yes, just pointing something out.

ohnoshedittant · 22/11/2011 20:02

'She might take it out on ds? If there is any chance she would behave like that then surely she shouldn't be staying!'

There is absolutely no evidence for this other than FAB saying it might happen!

Blondeshavemorefun · 22/11/2011 20:02

your nanny left your ds alone in a shop while she went to do her own shopping in another shop Shock

and you are dithering whether to say anything or fire her

talk to her first, obviously a nanny should never leave a child alone in a busy area with lots of other strangers about - but as like chipping i did wonder if she did this as you do - and didnt think you would mind

my memory is a little vague, why are you on your 3rd nanny in a year?

Fishpond · 22/11/2011 20:01

Absolutely no explanation she gave me would be permissible I'm afraid. What would she have told you heaven forbid someone stole your DS while she was shopping for tights? Sets me on edge anyone would consider keeping on someone employed to safely and responsibly look after your child after such an incident. She is not a professional in more ways than 1 just from this singular incident.

ohnoshedittant · 22/11/2011 20:01

'I would be wary of using that tack as if she ends up staying she might take it out on your DS for telling'

OP has already told the nanny DS said she hit him...in for a penny in for a pound!

'I used to be a nanny and just because a parent does/allows something it doesn't give the nanny carte blanche to do the same'

No, but you must take guidance from this. As a nanny you can't necessarily do what you feel is right, you must do as the parent does/requests.

TheOriginalFAB · 22/11/2011 20:00

Exactly! But she shouldn't be staying anyway imo. I got sacked from one nanny job for a lot less. And I hadn't actually done anything wrong!

RitaMorgan · 22/11/2011 19:57

She might take it out on ds? If there is any chance she would behave like that then surely she shouldn't be staying!

TheOriginalFAB · 22/11/2011 19:55

I would be wary of using that tack as if she ends up staying she might take it out on your DS for telling.

I used to be a nanny and just because a parent does/allows something it doesn't give the nanny carte blanche to do the same.

Ingles2 · 22/11/2011 19:54

Earth would have to freeze over before I allowed this girl to continue as our nanny, (if this happened as described)
You're going to have to be brave and ask her bluntly to explain the accusation.
Good luck.

RitaMorgan · 22/11/2011 19:53

I've left a 4 year old alone in a shop while I've been to another shop as a nanny - but in a different country where attitudes to that kind of thing are more relaxed than here. It's one of those things where different people will have different boundaries I think.

If she's an otherwise good nanny, and you can trust she wouldn't do it again once you've made clear you don't find it acceptable, then I would consider just giving a formal warning.

ohnoshedittant · 22/11/2011 19:50

I think this might be a first, but I totally agree with chipping!

'but i'm his mother, thats my decision. Its not up to her to take those risks'

That's true, but the thing is you do need to take risks with children to let them try new things, to let them live. As a nanny you take guidance with what risks you let the children take from the parents i.e. if she knows you allow him into the the shop alone, she can do the same. If she was working with parents who insisted their child always hold hands, she may not have allowed it.

Personally I'm hugely paranoid about the kids being taken from shopping centres and so would never have allowed this, I think you're totally right to be furious.

I think whether it amounts to gross misconduct depends on the specifics. If 'the other side of the shopping centre' is the shop opposite in a narrow passage then being in the doorway of that shop isn't that different from being in the doorway. Was he in sight? If she could see him from her shop then I think not as bad etc. Really depends on the exact circumstances.

If you don't want to drop the nursery worker in it I'd go with 'you'll never guess what DS has told me now? That you let him go shopping on his own, while you were buying tights!'...watch her reaction.