Life Dilemma : pregnant with no 3 accidentally

I agree with others who have said a third baby may not be the easiest thing in the world. I am currently pg with my 3rd after a bit of an accident (damn that French sun and wine) and I have to say sitting down last night and trying to work out maternity leave and pay and childcare was a nightmare.

Good luck in your decision. It seems like a real miracle to be pg after two lots of IVF so if I were in your position I would be tempted to feel that the hand of fate is in there somewhere!

I really hope this isn't a wind up btw, sorry to have to be the one to mention it.

Ginso,
I hope you find peace in whatever you chose. Have you and your spouse made up a list of pros and cons? This is a really personal decision for you AND your family/spouse.

I would agree with the others (MI and Aloha) - a third baby doesn't always just "slot in", especially if you are working and want to stay working. my 3rd was very much planned but still it was quite an upheaval to our lives. now she's 20 months she slots in very nicely but it wasn't totally easy having her, and she's the easiest baby around.

ginso i hope you work out what you really want. if i was pregnant again by accident now I'd probably terminate, much as i love my 3 it is enough.

"if you desperately dont want another child you do something before hand!" Um, the OP needed IVF to conceive her first 2 children, don't you think she was entitled to think she could not conceive naturally??!

Yes, she asked for opinions but to keep shoving home the opinion that termination is wrong is not on. You can't force your own beliefs onto other people. Termination is not for me either, I'm certain I cuoldn't do it in anything other than exceptional circumstances but I am still pro-choice. You (and others! I'm not getting at you personally, honest ) posted your opinon and that should have been that.

Hi ginso,

I fell pg accidentally when I already had a 2yo and a 4yo, and really didn't plan any more for at least a few years, if ever. I was jsut starting to get my life back and think about a career and I ended up with twins! It's hard work with them, and there are times when I do think how much easier life would be if I hadn't had them. I wouldn't be without them tho, and love them to bits. I love havign a big family and can't wait til they are all running around together. Having said that, we all have our limit, and I thnk if I fell pg again I would have to consider termination. I couldn't go through it again and I don't think it would be fair on the kids I have to have another one this early, as I know I wouldn't handle it well. You have to do what is right for you and your family.

Ginso asked for an opinion and i gave it..is that wrong?
I understand she got pregnant by accident and didnt think she could so it is unfortunate, but if you desperately dont want another child you do something before hand!
sorry for my opinion..but a life is a life. I would feel the same if it were my 13 year old daughter pregnant!

I unexpectedly found I was pg with No4 when my other children were nine, 17 and 21 yrs old. It was quite a shock and I panicked somewhat when I found out. We were just at the stage where romantic holidays for dh and me were on the horizon etc and the idea of a baby was a upset to how we visualised our future. But dd2 duly arrived and everyone was besotted with her, family and friends. She's now nine and endlessly wonderful to us.

The worrying I did about our future was a waste of time because, irrespective of dd's arrival, our lives have changed in other, undreamed-of, ways. Dh has had the chance to work internationally and we've lived in Indonesia and are moving to W Africa this month, something that was not even a blip on the radar when I was pg with dd2. Life's a lottery, we've no way of telling what lies up ahead.

Please have the baby! None of my business but that's my heart talking, not reason. How would you feel about terminating the pregnancy? If it would be a relief... tough call but yours to make.

Do what YOU want to do.YOU will be having the baby or not,so i dont think opinions from mums net should make any difference

AuntyBrandyButter, I think you have to let this one go. Of course this is not about convenience! if you find it so difficult to appreciate why someone may want to terminate in these circumstances then perhaps stay away from the thread?

I have been in similar circs more than once, although I have no IVF history. I chose to carry on with the pregnancy and was glad for that decision. Cruelly, when I was faced with having my fourth baby when I really didn't want to be I had a miscarriage after deciding early on that I would continue with the pregnancy. I was 16 weeks pregnant.

To many not in this position it is hard to understand the rationale for termination. Although I didn't choose this option in the end, I seriously considered it so I do understand.

Even the thought of getting fat again was a big factor in my decision. Shallow and selfish? I don't think so, these things are representative of overall doubt and lack of commitment to having a baby that you find yourself pregnant with.

Strength of mind and determination, including belief in your final choice will see you through so make sure the decision is YOURS and do not be swayed by others. That stands whatever you decide.

Not trying to say that gonig to work and leaving 3 vs 2 in nursery is not hard - of course an extra baby brings extra pressure whatever your circumstances. The pressures are just different - that was the point I was trying to make

Aloha - I see your point but I'm not sure it's any easier to accept another baby into the home if you are a SAHP. Maybe you wanted to get back to work and another baby will delay it further? Plus, for me, an extra baby at home right now (already having 2 under 5 at home and one at school) would make an enormous impact on my daily life. If they were all going to nursery 5 days a week while I went to work, other than financial, what's the difference between putting two in or three? I still go to work for the day.

I do feel for you having to face this, you really need to think hard. Can you face a termination just because its not convenient to have a baby?

I think if you go out to work babies don't just 'slot into' your life the way they do if you are at home. There is the loss of income, the childcare probs etc.
However, Ginso, you don't sound absolutely devastated by the news that you are pregnant, which seems to suggest to me that you don't actually want to have a termination. How amazing that you needed IVF twice, and then to get pregnant by accident!
Sadwoman - I feel very sad that you are finding it all so hard. Don't your older children help you with their baby sister?

And I have to say that I wouldn't feel another one would 'just slot into my life' - I don't think that's a bit too much of a gamble. You almost have to take, not necessarily the worst case scenario, but a realistically gritty one, and then pit that against the alternatives.

Many of the logistics, though, like work and childcare, can be sorted - I don't, myself, think that you should feel that it's a baby versus your job, if that worries you (it would worry me).

I agree about not feeling guilty if you decide not to go ahead with it.

Sadwoman, I'm sure you're not alone.

Ginso,I think WWW has summed it up for me - especially the necessity to think about if it's a boy. Does that change your feeling about it all?

It has to be your decision, but I would say please do not feel guilty if you decide you cannot feasibly go ahead with the pregnancy.

cant get this thread out of my head!!

sadwoman, sorry you feel this way btw.

It sounds to me as if one of the hard things about being pregnant is that it wasn't the plan you had in your head: you say you've thrown out clothes with glee and gone back to work and I guess you are/were ready to move on. So this doesn't fit the picture you had in mind. I'd find this VERY hard too, I absolutely don't want any more (have a boy and a girl) and yet I think if I was pregnant again I'd find termination hard (not that it's ever easy) and would very likely have the baby. (I did have a termination btw in between my 2 and I don't regret it in the least.) What's your gut instinct? How do you feel when you look ahead to a baby and your other 2? And if it's a boy? Sod your work/team, none of their business imo! This will have more impact on you than them!

I have toddlers and teenagers and really dont see a problem. Yes sometimes life is a little demanding,but its fun. Yes I get cross tired stressed out, but would with just teenagers or just toddlers.
Little chubby hands feeling for yours is wonderful and big manly 15 year olds saying 'I love you' is wonderful too. wouldnt swap it for the world!

I do feel for you and understand somewhat the way you feel. I had IVF treatment and thankfully conceived dd1. After having years of investigations and lots of messing about I didnt want to go through any more IVF, I was an only child so having just one didnt bother me. However, I fell pregnant naturally with dd2. Part of me was overjoyed, first we done it ourself and I loved being pregnant. But I was torn in half, I coudlnt see how I could love another as much as dd2 (all totally unfounded) and in my mind I was geared up to having just one. But now with an 18 month old and a 3 1/2 year old I would like another. But, dont think we will, I really think it would impact dd2 and it would make it more difficult to do things as a family. However, if I fell pregnant naturally part of me would be overjoyed and part of me would be quite worried. If it was me I would go ahead with the pregnancy, after going through what I went through there is no way I could get rid of a baby. But you have to do what suits you. Good luck in whatever you decide.

Although I have never been in this situation, dh and I have duscussed what would happen if I accidentally fell pregnant with no.6. I can honestly say i wouldn't be over the moon but I wouldn't be able to terminate either. I do think that it would put a terrible strain on me and dh probbably to the point of us splitting.

I too have older kids and having A 14 year oldd dd is a godsend at times. Even ds1 at almost 12 is brilliant with the younger ones. Having said that, it is an awful strain juggling the different needs of almost teenagers and toddlers.

The older ones tend to get a bit left out as the littles ones take up so much physical energy which sometimes leaves me very low on the mental energy needed for older kids.

ginso, I would go with whatever your heart is telling you, if you can. Even if you make a logical, head decision now, i believe the heart will over rule that in years to come. You would need nerves of steel to cope with that. However, a friend of mine terminated and she only had one at the time aged 10 but felt her life was sorted enough and didn't want the bind of a baby again.

A tough decision, and I wish you all the best with it.

My mum fell pregnant with me when she was 40. She had a 16 year old, 11 year old and a 7 year old. She requested an abortion but was refused.

She says now that I was her 'belated little blessing' and how glad she was that she had me. She said she did find it difficult as dragging around a baby/toddler/younger child and having a younger one did hold her back and she had done all the farms/parks etc too but she says in her later life (she is now 76), she is watching her family still grow (I have baby 9 months old) and sees her friends who stopped at 2 kids and thinks how much fuller her life is.